Stoneman-Douglas - The New Columbine

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

It's becoming old news pretty fast, but I needed to say something about this latest school shooting.

For the last several weeks, as the country has moved on from the school shooting in Lakeland, Florida, we've had a lot of issues come up on the news.  Second Amendment vs. Gun Control.  Better mental health care.  Whose fault it was.  Whose fault it wasn't.  And we've seen this great group of kids from that high school - the Most Likely To Succeed types - take center stage and challenge Washington and Tallahassee to do better jobs.

But I've seen a different issue and started running with it, because I think it comes before the others:

Did anyone ever just say hi to this kid?

Did Emma Gonzalez ever ask Nikolas Cruz if he was having a bad day?  Did she ever sit with him at lunch?

Did David Hogg ever invite him to play at recess?  Did he ever contact the school psychologist out of concern that Nikolas was in a bad way?

These are straight, unloaded questions.  I'm not suggesting that these students did anything wrong.  Instead, I'm asking if they had ever tried to show Nikolas that he wasn't really alone.

They can persist in finding fault with the NRA and the Broward County Sheriff's office.  Whenever something goes wrong, it's perfectly natural to demand to know who was responsible.  But it might also be enlightening to review the choices we've made ourselves.

Nobody has said whether or not Nikolas Cruz was bullied.  From the sound of it, he might have been a real terror if he was barred from wearing a backpack on campus, and then expelled.  That might have made the thought of speaking to him daunting - kind of like Kevin speaking to that weird old man in "Home Alone" - but if he had know that someone was at least willing to treat him like a human being, he might not have been so willing to destroy other human beings.

Yes, there is the possibility that someone tried this and it didn't work.  Maybe Cruz might have thought people approaching him were phony and fake, or looking to manipulate him.  Kids can be pretty good at that.  But if nobody enlightens us on that, we'll never know.

And, of course, I'm not saying that anyone should have pretended to be his friend when there was no friendship.  Friendship is a precious thing that should only be granted to a select few.  Respect, however, is to be evenly distributed to all.

With all of these issues that have propped up, I hope the youth of today and tomorrow will consider these events in their future dealings with their troubled peers.  It's for damn sure that throwing shade, bullying, snarking, and dissing isn't helping anyone.  And this blaming and shaming in the media in't much better.

RESPECT ALL

BEFRIEND FEW

LOVE ONE

HATE NONE


I EXIST.

I MATTER.

I BELONG.

I DESERVE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

runninglaw@gmail.com

Where Does It Start?

Sunday Morning, All - Time to bring back some thoughts and wisdom.

Throughout the halls of government and the tinsel of entertainment, we've borne witness to a Reckoning:  Powerful men who had, for years, used women as sexual playthings, are being accused by scores of women of crossing the line too often.  Nearly every day, new revelations are being made, new belated apologies are issued, and established careers are ending.

Women are lashing out in anger and resentment, and some confessing that they, too, were abused or harassed and know the pain.  Men are, once again, being faced with the reality that unlike our Neanderthal antecedents, we cannot have our way with women as we feel like because they are still just as human as we are.

Any thought to how this type of savagery, and resulting backlash, originates?

I'm pretty sure I do.

Bullying, in and of itself, is clearly a less egregious offense than rape and sexual abuse.  Nobody's arguing about that.  The grotesque physical violence involved with those actions have been properly criminalized, the rights of those accused of those crimes have become narrowed, and the consequences of those convicted of those crimes are the harshest possible without a death sentence.  We should all be in agreement on that.

However, it appears to be that the dynamics between perpetrator and victim in both situations are actually quite similar:
(1) A perpetrator who seeks to dominate the victim;
(2) A victim who is in some way weaker than the perpetrator;
(3) A sentiment that whatever the perpetrator does is completely the victim's fault by way of provocation; and
(4) Even worse consequences if the victim seeks to have the proper authorities execute judgment against the perpetrator.

As a whole, society has attempted to reverse the way rape/sexual assault victims have been treated, as stated above.  Nowadays, it seems antiquated and backwards to suggest that a rape victim provoked the attack, and those victims who do come forward are lauded as courageous heroes.  Also, as stated above, the constitutional rights that are guaranteed to those accused of other felonies seem to be minimized for those accused of sexual offenses.  Ideally, this should lead to extreme deterrence, and a reminder that no self-respecting person should ever even consider committing these offenses.

But even if, as stated above, bullying is a less egregious offense than crimes against sexuality, why does the above dynamic remain the same for bullying when it has changed for sexual offenses?

Why, in the instance of bullying, does the perpetrator face little or no deterrence?  Why is the victim of bullying blamed for its occurrence in the way that rape victims once were?  And why is a victim of bullying labeled a coward when the proper authorities get involved, where a victim of rape is deemed brave for doing the same thing?

I have a few conclusions of my own:

(1) Reverse Sexism:  It goes without saying that most rape victims are female.  It also appears that most bullying victims are male.  For reasons not made clear, the notion that men and boys must be more self-aware of their actions and respectful around women is non-existent in the scenario of bullying apparently weaker males.  Instead, victims are labeled with misogynistic terms for not being "man enough," and they are shamed for not knowing how to "fight back."  This is a short-sighted mistake.  Ancient and medieval societies lived by "might makes right."  They're still extinct.

(2) One Thing Leads To Another:  Bullying might not be a crime, but that doesn't make it acceptable.  It seems like a fair inference that when children are not taught to treat other people with respect, and are instead enabled, encouraged, or rewarded for abusing those weaker than them, they will simply graduate to doing it on a larger scale.  And since women are still, for the most part, physically weaker than them, it's not such a stretch to expand from abusing weaker males to abusing females.

(3) Lack Of Empathy:  There is still a strain of society that seeks to criticize faster than it seeks to praise.  It somehow seems more exciting, more self-justifying, and even more fun to point a finger at someone else's misfortunes than it is to applaud someone's successes.  For reasons I have not yet figured out, it is somehow easier to blame a victim than it is to blame a perpetrator - possibly because the self-appointed critic is convinced that their life experience has provided them with untold knowledge and wisdom, and that because of that, they know that they would never have made the same mistake.  This may or may not be true, but a reminder that not everyone has the same upbringing/culture/worldview might persuade them to be less critical.

So What Can We Do About It?

(A).  Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be . . . I'll be nice and not use my official term for them.  Teach them to Respect All, whether they're friends with them or not.

(B).  Stop Enabling.  If you have friends or relatives who get a charge out of bullying, tell them it's not ok.  If you'd rather not confront them, then just stop associating with them.  We don't live in a comic book, so you don't need a classic line - just make it clear you don't accept it.

(C).  Condemn Bullying The Same Way We Condemn Rape and Racism.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

A good Sunday, all!

Our Leader?

Hey All -- Hope you're getting ready for Labor Day Weekend!

Next year's presidential election sure is getting a lot of attention.  Moreso than usual due to the celebrity status it's been granted.

By now, the message of this blog should be apparent.  But as it pertains to Donald Trump, a little clarification is needed.

(1)  Our country is getting closer and closer to another civil war.  We have a government that does not meet the needs of its people, and it's ripe for a change.
(2)  We have people who come this country, most of them for the most valid of reasons, but completely disregard the requirements to become citizens.  This issue can't be ignored, minimized, or swept under the rug because the result is to allow laws to have no meaning.
(3)  We have become weak in the eyes of our adversaries and many of our allies.  This needs to change.

On those issues, Trump is 100% right.  We really do need a stronger leader to "Make America Great Again."

HOWEVER, this blog condemns some of the things Mr. Trump does:
(1)  Megyn Kelly is known for asking tough questions.  Whether her choice to ask Trump about his behavior was right or wrong was a judgment call, but his choice to make the issue personal was unacceptable.  His statements on Twitter to or about Megyn Kelly were juvenile, immature, and unpresidential.  He could have simply explained that he is not concerned with political correctness and that he saw nothing wrong with his prior comments, and ended it.
(2)  Jorge Ramos needs to chill out and get off his high horse.  But using hired muscle to escort him out of the room merely because he's being rude and obnoxious was completely unnecessary, as was telling him to "go back to Univision."  He could have simply refused to engage him until he was ready to do so, or simply elected not to answer his questions.  Ejecting him only backfired on him, and enabled Ramos to go on "The Kelly File" and be treated like a welcomed guest out of knowing sympathy.

Yes, he is leading in the polls.  How could he not be?  It's fun to hear somebody say things we won't because we still believe in respect.  It's entertaining to see someone be a goofball - why do you think the jock/bully types get so much attention below the undergraduate level?  And it's actually fun to hear someone be irreverent when everyone else thinks they need to play it close to the vest.

However, none of that means he will be elected, or that he will be a good president if elected!

This blog will reciprocate the pledge Mr. Trump made to support the eventual Republican nominee, and we will support him if he is nominated.  That being said, we do not condone his bullying behavior, his disrespectful tone, and his undignified manner, no matter how funny it was on The Apprentice.  There is absolutely, positively, no reason to be a bully in order to be an effective leader, and anyone who thinks otherwise has insecurities that we can't remove.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Play Ball!

Hey All!  

It's All Star Week for Major League Baseball.  So here are some baseball analogies!

The alpholes of the world have somehow been conditioned to believe that getting someone upset is a win.  It's mas puntos.  It's a trip, it's fun, it increases their status.  Or, some might say, it makes them the strikeout kings!

Getting angry and flying off the handle is like a ground ball to them.  Losing control is like having them run into the stands to catch a foul ball for an easy out.  Hitting below the belt and having you admit that you can't take what they said is a third strike down the middle!  Instead, what we need is a base hit between third and short, an RBI, or a home run.  In other words, we have to get hits off their pitching!

Any ballplayer will tell you that you have to be smart at the plate.  Look at where the infield and outfield have moved.  Look where he's aiming the pitch.  Watch for the curve.  If it's going outside, be smart and quick enough to not swing at that pitch.  If it's going inside, don't be scared, but get out of the way.  But if you know that it's your pitch, swing for the fences!

By the same token, accept this reality.  About 90% of what these would-be aces are throwing are bad pitches.  If we're smart enough to avoid swinging at these bad pitches, we walk.  They fail.  They missed a beautiful opportunity to fake us out and win over us.  Guess we're not like those bush-league hitters, huh?

But when we're Bold and Bulletproof, we're ready for them when they throw strikes.  As outlined in the last post, we can foul off those pitches when we capture evidence of their misdeeds and present them to the authorities. That means we are quick enough to get a piece of their pitching and not let them manipulate us.  And if they find a curve or change up, we can see it coming, and we can send it downtown!  That means that we know what they're going to do, we won't fall for it, and we'll use their tactics against them.

And more importantly, we will not let any emotional reactions impair our judgment.  That is the only way they can beat us, and we'll deprive them of that opportunity!  They can't force us to play by their rules if we stick to our rules and resist all distractions.

So that's the jam for now.  Enjoy the All Star Game on Tuesday night!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

The Four Pillars!

Hey All!  About that time again!

Since there are now a few new readers of this blog and viewers of the video, it's only fair that I reboot the central purpose of these writings.   So here's the very first blog post I wrote, edited and updated for today's audience.

As I've grown older and reflected on the course my life has taken, I have realized that every young man, in order to survive into adulthood, must accept and adopt the following Four Pillars of Life:

(1) I Exist.

(2) I Matter.

(3) I Belong.

(4) I Deserve.

I Exist.

It would appear to go without saying that we exist.  Cogito Ergo Sum, for all the Latin speakers out there.  But this first element is too easily taken for granted.  There are too many young men who fall short of their potential and resign themselves to lowly or insignificant roles in life because they have incorrectly resigned themselves to the role of a "nobody."  They think they're just someone's son, someone's brother, someone's husband, someone's father.  They either stopped trying to attain dreams, or failed to dream new ones, or both.

When boys are small, they are very aware of their existence. In fact, it's what they're most aware of in life.  However, through no fault of their own, these boys sometimes are deceived into believing that they either do not, or should not, exist.  I’m not concerned with how it happens, but only that it happens.  If that tragically incorrect belief is not corrected in short order, confusion envelopes the boy's mind.  This  confusion leads to guilt, doubt, shame, self-loathing, and other emotions that can stunt his growth and destroy his self-worth.  Otherwise, when that boy becomes a man, he must re-learn the value of his existence, and understand that he is here for a reason. Unfortunately, this is sometimes made more difficult when the boy, now a man, finds himself attracting people who do think he does not, or should not, exist.

I Matter.

Even if these boys come to terms with their existence, they still may not be convinced that their existence is relevant.  Someone may have told them they were "slow," "underachieving," or the worst euphemism of all, "special."  They may have their weaknesses shoved in their faces by predatory elements, reinforcing the notion that they are "losers" or "useless."  If his strengths are not reinforced during childhood, and they don’t receive sufficient positive affirmations to build confidence, the boy will be convinced that he does not "matter," and must again convince himself otherwise during adulthood.  He may find himself attracting those who continue to convince him he does not matter, making the process even more difficult.

I Belong.

Belonging is something that only the boy can decide for himself -- not only that truth that he belongs, but where and with whom he belongs. However, if the boy does make that decision at the right time, he will "settle." He will associate with those who do not help him achieve his potential, but instead merely "accept" him and allow him to occupy space within their ranks.  He will not develop as a participant, or even a leader, but will only be a follower, unable to think or reason in a manner different than the rest of the "herd."  Or worse, he will associate with individuals who are toxic towards him, and derive pleasure from continuously rejecting, abusing, and bullying him, or forcing him to continuously fight a losing battle.  Resigned to a mistaken belief that those who truly would accept him will only reject him instead, and vice-versa, he sabotages this component of his development and fails to make valuable contacts and friendships that would otherwise serve him well.

Again, this must be reinforced during childhood. If not, the boy will either (a) become a recluse, believing that he cannot make any friends; or (b) ONLY associate with the wrong people.  If this is not remedied, the future will include not only difficult, but disastrous consequences.

I Deserve.

The final Pillar, to deserve, simply cannot stand if the first three have not been properly erected.  To deserve is to use the faith, belief, and courage needed for plain and simple success.  This is the underlying theme of everything that our friends Anthony Robbins, Joel Osteen, and Dr. Phil have been telling us for years in their own words -- beyond just being, mattering, and belonging, in order to ADVANCE, you must BELIEVE that you DESERVE to have what you want!  Don't write yourself off saying "it never happened" before you even tried!  And even worse, don't just go around telling people you're doing it when you have no intention of doing so!  DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS ABOUT IT! DESERVE IT, PERIOD!

Why state the obvious?  Don't most guys already know this?  Not if they're faking it they don't!  As for those of us who grow up with one or more of these Pillars missing, we tend to wait on longer lines than the ones our more well-adjusted neighbors occupy. And it HURTS.  And since all four Pillars are interdependent, you can't have one missing.  For a plane to fly you can't have three out of four engines working!

And why am I focusing on these Pillars for men and boys, but not for women and girls?  Because life and nature are not politically correct.  Even if this is the 21st Century, society does not cruelly punish women for having low self-esteem or confidence, but it certainly does punish men.  Very harshly.

If a woman does not have all Four Pillars, she can most likely depend on a husband, a partner, or a family member to support her while she takes all the time she heeds to wallow in self-pity.  MEN CANNOT AND DO NOT HAVE THIS LUXURY!

So how does a man with low self-esteem survive?  Childhood is over.  Pointing fingers at our parents and their failures is not effective.  Repeating these Four Pillars, contemplating them at your job or at school, feeling them during your social interactions, and just plain living them WILL WORK.

Let's review, gentlemen:

I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.

This is not the grunt of an animal who cannot respect those around him.  This is also not the wail of a spoiled child who is granted everything without earning it, and only becomes more and more demanding.  This is the battle cry of a young man who seeks to live and profit from life.  This is the song of redemption, fulfillment, and self-actualization. This is the eviction notice to the thoughts of defeat and rejection that have been squatting rent-free in men's subconscious minds for decades.  This is the death sentence to the ill effects of bad childhoods, worse adolescences, and unpleasant adulthoods.  Again!

I EXIST! I MATTER! I BELONG! I DESERVE!

Don't just say it, USE it!

The Big Game

Good afternoon, all!  Took a short hiatus, but chose a quasi-national holiday to come back!  Can't really fault me, many a good TV series has had its premiere right before or right after the Super Bowl - seems smart for me to follow suit.

You don't have to be a football fan to know this, but this is the end of a long season for two teams.  Regardless of what happened in the regular season or the playoffs, what happens today really counts.  This one is for all the marbles, for all the glory, for the big parade in the city that team represents.

Well, that's for the players and coaches.  How about you?

You got an even better deal than they do, believe it or not.  In the NFL, you might get eliminated from the playoffs and not make it anywhere near the Big Game without a ticket.  In real life, your season does not end until Divine Providence chooses to end it for you, and not before.

Your Big Game does not have to only come once a year.  You don't need any kind of regular season record, home advantage, or even a bigger stadium to get there.  You just have to play to win.  And the winning formula is made clear and obvious by the Four Pillars.

It's very likely that some of you reading these words might not feel like such winners.  Maybe someone has told you that you don't measure up to their standards, and you accepted that assessment as fact.  Maybe someone thought laughing at your inadequacies in front of an enabling audience was a fun thing to do, and it left a bruise.  Maybe someone pushed you to a breaking point, and you actually broke.

Good news, everyone.  The damages recited above are all curable.  They can be removed like they never even happened.  And once they are removed, you're ready to suit up for your own Big Game.  The prize will not be the Vince Lombardi Trophy, but if you win, you'll earn something far more valuable:  Dignity.  Self-Respect.  Emotional Maturity.  Confidence.  Power. 

Today, you can watch someone else make it happen.  Tomorrow, it's your turn.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

A Turn For The Worst

Hello All!  Watching my Jets lose to the Patriots, no shock there.

Yesterday, two NYPD police officers were murdered, no, assassinated.  Someone truly evil thought that he could earn payback for the decisions of grand juries in St. Louis County, Missouri, and Richmond County, New York, to not indict officers with homicide charges by somehow taking justice into his own hands. 

A few days before that, a major motion picture studio cancels the release of a simple-minded bro-comedy because the government of another country employed hackers to wreak havoc on its computer network.

Where have we gone wrong?!!?!?!?


Who says that the way to correct society's wrongs are to swing the pendulum the other way as hard as possible?  Exactly what problems did that approach ever solve?!?!?

And what makes us think that just giving in to someone who tries to bully us, because they "can kick our ass," is the right thing to do?

(1) CONCEDING, ABDICATING, AND APPEASING SOMEONE WITH NO AUTHORITY OVER YOU WHATSOEVER IS A HUGE MISTAKE.  It gives them carte blanche to do it over and over again, because they've been shown that no consequences will result.  This can, of course, be corrected later, but that first instance of doing so is very costly.  They have no say in what a studio in our country can or cannot produce.

(2) RESORTING TO BRUTE FORCE, OTHER THAN IN SELF-DEFENSE, IS NEVER AN ANSWER TO SOCIETY'S ILLS.  We do not live in a comic book, and we are not governed by mob rule.  Reform police procedure if you must, enact new laws and repeal old ones if you're so inclined.  NONE OF THIS "OCCUPY," NEO-HIPPIE, PSEUDO-COUNTERCULTURE, ISIS-LOVING, ANARCHIST WAY OF THINKING WILL SOLVE ANYTHING.

As beta males, we encounter very similar choices in our quest for self-fulfillment.  Do we just do as we're told, or do we make a difference?  Do we think about realistic solutions for problems that plague us, or do we turn into animals?

It doesn't take an expert to see the right decision.  It shouldn't anyway.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Nothing Can Stop Self-Love

Hey All - Another Sunday night is upon us.

We're living in extreme times, yet again.  Israel, our only ally in the Middle East, is demonstrating that the best, and sometimes only, defense is a strong offense.  And as the liberal media has always done, it has taken Israel to task for the very thought of defending itself.  

This is not unlike the response school administrators traditionally give to bullying incidents.  The bully rarely, if ever, reveives consequences for their actions, but if a bullying victim retaliates, they are condemned, they are disarmed, they are showered with hearts and flowers and rainbows and told to be good little angels while the bully laughs as their enablement continues.

Applying this way of thinking to a sovereign nation makes no sense to me. As even Secretary Kerry stated today, no country should be expected to just sit there when it is attacked.  

My thought tells me that the world is trying to use Israel's status against it.  Israel is also known as the Holy Land, since it is home to most of the events in the Bible.  It appears that this designation leads to the assumption that Israel must be so charitable and generous as to turn the other cheek whenever threatened.  In a way, they are being mocked for being the Holy Land, and for not being like every other country.

We live in a world where people criticize much more quickly than they compliment.  It would be a much nicer world if the opposite were true, but it isn't. 

The only way to deal with this fact, other than preparing ourselves with our own snappy comebacks, is to truly love ourselves.  To know that our strengths are what put us on the map, and not what leave us exposed.  To know that we must never apologize for who we are.  To know that nobody's opinion of us is more important than that of the one person you see in the mirror.  

If Israel was so touchy, apologetic, and dependent on the world's approval that it stopped its defenses, it would have been conquered and renamed a long time ago.  If every bullying victim obeyed the directives of school administrators, and allowed their bullies to have their way with them, the suicide rate and the mental hospital occupancy would both skyrocket.  If we all did away with our goals, dreams, and identity because someone else just has to run their mouths, there would be no point to life itself.

Beta males are sometimes too willing to appease critics and apologize for being themselves.  Someone recently pointed out to me that the notion of not being ruled by criticism, and refusing to apologize for oneself, is the way of the alpha male, and not the beta male.  This may be true, but I believe that if betas become self-actualized, and make themselves bold and bulletproof, this changes.  I encourage beta males to look to Israel's example.  Nobody wants them to defend themselves, because they are expected to be more righteous than other countries, but they defend themselves no matter what.  Nobody wants beta males to be assertive, brave, or courageous because we are expected to be more compassionate and sensitive than other men.  By the same token, we can make this compassion and sensitivity our strengths by choosing to love ourselves more than we can hate anyone.  When we believe in ourselves that much, and are willing to protect ourselves the way Israel protects its citizens, we win.  And we win by a landslide.

By the same token, I hope Israel wins this conflict by a landslide.  I also hope the moderate Palestinians that do not view Hamas as martyrs or heroes have the courage to speak out and are safe from harm.  I also hope that those of us who crumble at criticism and suffer from exposure are able to set up out very own Iron Domes and shoot thoss rockets out of the sky.  

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

PS - Facebook offers all of us our very own Iron Dome mechanisms.  I've had to use a few of them, and I encourage you to do the same.

Wanting to Win

Hey all - made my annual sojourn to Buffalo.  Ran a good, hard, fast race today, and shared it with some good people.  I gotta say, I got high hopes for this year's NYC, if the last two Halfs I've run are a good indication of things to come.

This race comes on the wings of a recent field day story.  An elementary school sent out a flyer to parents expecting that any competitiveness was to be kept to a minimum.  This brought outrage from many - how can we keep rewarding kids for doing the bare minimum, and telling them that winning and losing don't matter?  They'll never make it in the real world, where winning and losing do count!

They're not wrong to say this.  However, I think that school took this approach to stop bullying more than they did to neutralize the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat.  I don't think children are damaged so much by "sucking" at some game as much as they are by having that fact rubbed in their face by someone else who thinks their win gives them free reign to bully and harass those they defeated.  If they were able to accept defeat without these undeserved consequences, the growth needed to accept defeat, but use it to learn how to win next time, would be more likely to happen.

For example, look at my sport.  In running, the fastest athletes do not shame those who are not as fast.  There is no trash-talking, no nose-thumbing, no jeering, and no "you suck" chants for those who fall short of the Olympic ideal. Instead, there is plain old sportsmanship.  Sometimes, the faster runners will stop by the finish line after their race is over and cheer for the slower runners.  

Nobody wants to hear that "we're all winners."  But in running, it's true.  In this sport, the main idea is not to compete against someone else to win a race over them.  The fact that each runner has chosen to sacrifice creature comforts simply to enter a race REALLY DOES make each runner a winner, whether or not they place.  This attitude is adopted and encouraged throughout our sport, and it persists.

I think that's the message the field day organizers really wanted to convey, but didn't.  It's not about discouraging the more athletic kids from doing something they're good at, or selling short their accomplishments for someone else's bruised self esteem.  It's about letting those who are NOT all-stars realize that there is merit in making an attempt, that there is pride in taking your best shot at any goal, win or lose, and that every defeat, setback, or mistake has a lesson hidden within that just begs to be learned.  But those hard lessons are best delivered with a sense of respect, and not with being booed off the "field," if you will.

As beta males, we are living proof that "hard knocks" and "tough love" are not the fail safe methods some believe them to be.  Sometimes they make things  worse.  Sometimes a pat on the back does more good than a smack in the ass.  Maybe if these field day organizers had recognized this, instead of punishing athletes for being athletic, this story would not have been newsworthy.

That's my story from the Frontier.  Congrats to everyone who ran the Buffalo Full and Half Marathons this year - a great day for a great race.  And I invite all of you Western New Yorkers to come on down to the Big Apple and watch the City play host to a race that runs a close second to Buffalo in friendliness and encouragement from the crowds along the course!  :)

Reconciliation For The Next Generation

Hey All -- sorry I missed you last week, but here's the straight dope from the Good Book:

Just as Jacob and Esau reconciled, so did Joseph and his brothers.  He had him right where he could make their lives absolutely miserable, given the power he'd earned, but somehow he saw fit to reveal his true identity and to forgive them for leaving him for dead in that ditch.

Many times in this blog, I have decried the evil of bullies, targeted the alpholes of this world, and sought to eliminate those who enabled them.  But forgiving them?  Letting it go?  Maybe giving them a friendly reminder that you have the means and the desire to flatten them, but you choose not to because it's better to be nice?!?!?!?!

Let's explore this in further detail . . . .

There's a friend of mine who casts a large and imposing figure.  The chance of anyone pushing him around or starting a bar fight with him is slim and none.  Still, when he was younger and smaller, he was bullied.  There was a classic high school loud mouth, undisciplined, spoiled moron who pelted him with spitballs and called him a lot of names bordering on racism.  Years later, after he'd grown to his full size of 6'5, he ran into this jabroni and invited him to throw a spitball "now."  After giving him the scare of his life, he revealed his true identity, and the two ended up becoming friends.

The way he tells this story, there is too much alphaganda and "might makes right" narrative for my taste.  That's not what this blog is all about, because those rules don't apply to us.  So I will extract the central idea and use it to highlight the theme of this biblical scene:  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

His reasoning is not made clear, but he knew he was right to reveal himself to the 11 brothers who tried to kill him as a younger man.  He understood that, right or wrong, they all had the same father, and they would all have the same responsibility for making sure the nation of Israel would grow fruitful and multiply.  Even though he had achieved a status close to that of the Pharaohs, he never forgot his roots, or his duty to his heritage.  And it appears to me that those higher purposes required him to forgive his brothers, regardless of how hateful they previously were to him.  And, oh yeah, he did instigate some portion of it himself, as he was not just an innocent little lamb.

Israel/Jacob seemed to acknowledge the wrongs of the past by investing in the future.  He blessed Joseph's two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, echoing the blessing that Isaac administered to him and to Esau.  He placed his right hand on the younger son's head, when tradition would have stated otherwise.  Joseph tried to set him straight, believing him to be mistaken, but Israel explains that no, he's actually doing this on purpose, because he knows that the younger son's lineage will be stronger.  This appears to be his penance for tricking Isaac two generations ago.  Or maybe he's trying to set things straight from the beginning.  After all, G-D told Israel's mother that the younger son will be stronger, so she tried to finagle things to make it happen.  But now that Israel has received revelation directly from G-D, he already knows what lies ahead, so there's no need for trickery to prevent a mistake.

Whatever the reason, he's obviously learned from the mistakes of the past, and wants to make things right before he leaves this earth.  That's to be commended.  It looks like Jacob may have been the most self-aware of the three patriarchs, and his most-favored son apparently followed suit.

So it goes with us.  We are just as flawed as this ancient family, if not more, and it's just as easy for us to make mistakes.  But correcting those mistakes, rectifying the consequences, and taking preventive measures to avoid their recurrence is a sign of maturity.  In my opinion, that is one of the most respect-worthy things that someone can do.  Let's make it happen a little more often, huh?

For Your Protection

Hey All -- still on vacation in sunny Florida, but I wanted to post something else . . . .

For the past several years, I have spoken out against all forms of bullying and intimidation.  There's not much more I can add to that, but I'd like to address the flip side -- coping mechanisms for those who are the unfortunate recipients.

If you're new to this blog, having read my new and more accurate title, you're a beta male.  You are good-natured, giving, and moral.  Unfortunately, far too many people take advantage of this.  So use this visualization technique:

(1)  Imagine your heart.  It keeps you alive.  It holds your passions, your desires, your fears, your vulnerability, and your very soul.  It is your very essence.

(2) Before you interact with other people, encase it in armor.  Solid, impenetrable armor, with jutting blades and spikes.  Able to withstand any strike or blow, and to repel any attempt to breach it.  It can't even be dented by the deadliest attack against it.

(if you're in law enforcement, don't make this a substitute for your Kevlar.  Moving on . . . .)

(3) The interior of this armor, however, is soft.  Comfortable.  Soothing.  It matches the material that your heart itself could be made of.  While the exterior protects your heart from anything that could harm it, the interior keeps it comfortable and at peace.

(4)  An added feature of this armor is a cleansing mechanism.  In the unlikely event that something does get through the armor, it acts to dispose of the foreign agent that disrupts your heart's peace.  It corrodes the unwelcome element and removes it before it can enter the bloodstream.

(5)  When you are with people who are good to you, who have earned your trust, and seek to do nothing but good, you are safe to remove this armor.  You may then be honest with your passions, desires, fears, and vulnerability.  But only do this when you have confirmed that there is no danger to your heart.  Yes, you will be able to use the cleansing mechanism should an attack happen, but be sure that it won't anyway.

(6) When you are with anyone else, keep that armor on no matter what.  Don't unlock it.  Don't let your guard down.  Protect yourself.  Don't let them infect your very being with sadness, anger, hurt, or hatred.  Don't let them break through.  Don't let them think they own you.  They don't.
That doesn't mean go all badass on them unless it's warranted, though.  Remember that we don't live in a comic book.  Just keep yourself fully protected.

That also does NOT let the miscreants, bullies, gangstas, and undesirables of this world off the hook.  Not by a long shot, it doesn't.  They still deserve consequences for their behavior of one form or another.  But they don't deserve the satisfaction of watching you crumble because your heart was not protected.

And, just in case Paragraph 5 wasn't clear enough, it does not mean that you make yourself an island.  There are times you can feel safe enough to disarm.  Just know the difference.

Yes, I am a little more focused with the blog lately.  I hope this doesn't send my long-time readers running for the hills, but I also hope I'll reach my target audience a bit better.

Beta Males, it's OK to feel.  It's OK to be afraid.  It's OK to have morals.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  But it's only OK when you use these traits as strengths, and not when they are exploited as weaknesses by the alphaganda.  Protect yourself as much as possible, not just so you can prove to others that "it doesn't bother me," but just so they don't hurt you.  Your heart is the most precious thing you have, more than wealth, more than companionship, and more than your reputation.  Guard it with your life!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Selective Enforcement?

Hey all -- time for the second half of the double-portion.

Maybe this one belongs squarely in the life's-not-fair-suck-it-up category, but I've just seen it happen too many times that something's gotta give.

Sometimes in families, or elsewhere, we see people get off scot free with behavior that would have landed the rest of us in hot water.  Many times this is due to "the code," "the way it works," or because some stupid hen-pecking order has elevated some chump to an undeserved pedestal.

This unwritten hierarchy often permits the aforesaid chump to bully, malign, insult, deride, disrespect, and take pot shots at anyone they feel like with immunity and impunity.  And the enablers and hangers-on who permit this to happen are always at the ready with a plethora of platitudes and excuses why it just has to stay that way and can't ever change. 

What's to be done then?

You may have noticed the link I have to Dr. Benjamin Leichtling's website on my blog roll.  He says it best, but suffice it to say, his opinion seems to be that if these spoiled and enabled individuals don't think they're required to respect you, you're not required to give them further opportunities.  You can set up boundaries that prevent their entry unless and until they learn how to behave.  You can make it clear that the tone and the mouth are unacceptable.  You can repeat these Four Pillars to yourself as many times as you can to remind yourself that they don't get away with it with you.

This may mean causing a dust-up.  It may create warring factions and family feuds.  It comes with a great deal of risk.  But what about the reward?  At the very least, these overgrown trust-fund babies will learn that if they don't feel like growing up and changing the behavior, they had better look for other arenas where it will be accepted, because it won't be on your watch!

Short and sweet tonight all -- work tomorrow!

Comment, like, retweet, follow, +1, just show me the looooooove!

The Intervention

Hey All --

This week, time to re-visit the issue of enabling, and how to counteract it. 

In the past I've spoken about how bullying persists in schools, offices, and families -- NOT JUST because there are victims, and NOT JUST because someone "asks for it."  The one thing a bully needs to survive is an enabler.  Someone who knows that the conduct is wrong, someone who has the power to curtail it, someone who could respond to the behavior with consequences, but doesn't.   Maybe because they're scared, maybe because they're not sure what to do, maybe because they just "shrug it off" or "tune it out" or "turn the other cheek."  Regardless of why it's happening, it's FEEDING the bullying, not "ignoring" it.

Some time ago, I blogged about a memory from college.  I was a member of a certain organization, which shall go nameless, that allowed a bully to control and manipulate its internal structure.  This individual was given carte blanche to slander, demean, belittle, defame, and insult all those who were not followers or cronies with immunity and impunity.  Until one day the good people of this organization said "That's Enough!"  They were ready to expel this individual with prejudice.

A meeting was held regarding this individual's behavior and the organization's feelings about it.  For the first time in this young person's life, which was not much more than 21 years, unflinching honest feedback was given to the abusive and self-centered behavior that had been left unchecked for too long.  This person exhibited eye rolling and contempt towards this criticism, questioned how this behavior should be relevant "after all I've done," and argued that the fact that "my personality is not pleasant" should continue being disregarded.  When confronted with one particularly egregious and inappropriate comment this person made, this person actually giggled at the sound of their own words, and protested that "I wasn't talking to you when I said that."

However, unlike the prior encounters that this person was accustomed to winning without a fight, every protest was met with even more evidence of the unacceptable behavior.  Pooh-poohing it didn't work this time.  Little by little, this person realized that numbers and volume were leading to defeat, and that none of the enablers and cronies were able to continue their defense.  Finally, without admitting guilt or responsibility (it would've taken waterboarding for that to happen), this person begrudgingly conceded that the behavior was "not fair" to the non-cronies, and that this person would "try" to change the behavior.

It was not an overnight success, and this person did not spend the rest of college wearing a halo and wings.  However, this intervention did result in a marked improvement in the behavior.  With the realization that the behavior was no longer funny, cute, or tolerable, it occurred less frequently.

This tool should be just as effective for bullying as it is to stop a pattern of drug and alcohol abuse.  Get yourself a good-sized group of trust friends and families, sit our misguided friend in a chair, lock the door, and don't let up until he or she gets the message that it's not OK.  Being outnumbered, outgunned, disproven, and exposed can have an obvious effect even on the most brazen, hardened, loudmouthed, spoiled, and unabashed bully or miscreant!  In ideal circumstances, children are taught to shed this behavior early on without the need for an intervention, but sometimes it just "skips."

So, without being a surrogate parent or teacher, if there's someone in your life who just doesn't get it, see that they do!

Comments Welcome!

Re-Education

Another problem we have with these bullies:  Unlike Congressmen who get caught tweeting pictures that were meant for porno casting directors, these people NEVER admit fault, even if they're confronted with a mountain of proof.  No matter how judgmental they may be towards others, no matter how much they love pointing out other people's faults and weaknesses, they feign ignorance when shown to their face the many ways in which they themselves are wrong.  Some of them seem to pretend that it's not even happening!

However, I remember a very iconoclastic episode from my youth in which the opposite happened.  Some of you may remember me from college, when I was a member of a co-ed community service organization that attempted to appear similar to a fraternity or a sorority.  One of the leaders of this organization was a bully of the first order.  He/she had all the characteristics I've mentioned earlier in this blog -- he/she was spoiled to the degree of thinking that insulting people in public and behind their backs was a harmless pastime, because they had never suffered any punishment or consequences for their actions.  Even worse, if anyone took the slightest step towards rebuking them, there was an army of followers who worshipped every single thing this postpubescent child had to say!  I'll still never understand how that's ever possible, but it was an unfortunate reality.

I mean, please!  This was a community service organization, and these people behaved as if they were the forerunners to "Mean Girls!"  It's a good thing those "Real Housewives" reality shows had not yet been conceived at the time, because these people would have, unfortunately, become stars!

Finally, after burying their heads in the sand for an eternity (since this man/woman/child decided that he/she loved this illegitimate reign so much, he/she stayed at our school to get a master's), action was taken.  An underground group attempted to report his/her misdoings to the National Office to have him/her expelled as a member.  However, as was often the case, there were no secrets in this group.  Gossip traveled faster than texting, and there was no texting then! 

Nevertheless, a meeting was held, and he/she was finally faced with his/her offenses, and forced to confront them.  As predicted, his/her first response was the plaintive wail of "How could you do this to me . . . after all I've done?!?!?!?"  Yes, he/she did assist in founding the organization.  Yes he/she was a "good leader" (interpret that whichever way you'd like).  And yes he/she did want to do what was best for the organization.  BUT HE/SHE JUST COULD NOT STOP BERATING, INSULTING, BESMIRCHING, OR SLANDERING OTHER MEMBERS OF THE ORGANIZATION WHO WERE NOT HIS/HER CHOSEN FEW!  As predicted, his/her only response to this fact, which became weaker and weaker as the meeting wore on, was "But I'm only being honest!"

And then, before I knew it, I was brought into the fray as well.  One of my closest friends in the organziation rebuked him/her for talking trash about me when I wasn't around to defend myself.  His/her only response was that "But I wasn't speaking to you when I said that!"  And what's more, someone had chosen him/her and me to be co-chairs for a certain committee, prompting him/her to tell anyone who would listen how unworthy and sub-par he/she thought I was, even stating that "When David speaks, I leave the room."  Being confronted with this line actually brought a smile to his/her face.

(By the way, he/she was 24 years old when this was happening.  Scary, right?)

I decided to take the high road when it was my turn to speak.  I did not attack him/her, or accuse him/her of anything.  I did not toot my own horn or make myself sound better than him/her.  Instead, I decided to bring up my own weaknesses.  I admitted that I was not always a very nice guy to the other members either.  I, too, had said the wrong thing at the wrong time.  I, too, was far from perfect.  However, I had also gone out of my way to make amends for those failings.  I had accepted the consequences of my actions, and attempted to replace them with friendlier and gentler ones.  I then told him/her, that if he/she still chose to hate me, he/she was welcome to do so.  However, if he/she could make an effort to change his/her behavior when dealing with me, he/she might be pleasantly surprised.

He/she rolled his/her eyes (again) at the thought of showing me any respect at all.  However, I was the one who was pleasantly surprised in the next few minutes.

He/she said, somewhat begrudgingly, "Dave, you're right.  I have not been fair to you."  He/she then took the time to mention that I, also, had been dedicated to the organization, and put in the time to make it better than it had been.  He/she also stated that he/she would try to work with me on the committee, and would stop complaining about it.

I wasn't sure if this was a "work," as it's called in pro wrestling.  Was he/she faking this just to draw me offsides?  I didn't know.  I did know that his/her followers gave me the dirtiest looks around campus for the next few days.  Who was I to soften up their dear leader?

For the most part, we did work fairly well together as a team.  This sometimes meant I had to let him/her do a lot of things that I would have preferred to do.  But when you deal with someone who's that leadership-oriented (it's OK to read power-hungry), sometimes it's better to do that.  Otherwise, they'll just pick apart and second-guess everything that you did differently that they would have done.

The point of this ancient and dusty allegory is this:
(1)  Although it's not always a successful approach, one of the best ways to deal with bullying is to confront the aggressor with what they do and to explain why it's wrong.  People like this usually lack the humility to understand that anything they do might be wrong.  However, if it's done in a way that is not judgmental or preaching, but rather in a way that shows that we're sometimes as wrong as that person is, there's a better chance of them understanding it on their own terms.
(2)  Sometimes it's not what you do, it's how you do it.  It's not always that you get the job done, it's that you make others happy that you did it.  Or to put it bluntly:

(3)  YEAH, YOU DID IT -- BUT WHAT GOOD IS IT IF YOU'RE STILL A(N) ___________ ?

Feel free to comment -- especially those of you who were there when this episode happened!