A Year of Emotional Maturity

Good Afternoon, Friends and Neighbors!

A nice little run sweated the alcohol out of my system, and the NFL has the last regular-season games of the season.  So where does that leave you and me?

(1) Constantly Seeking Improvement.
Yes, it's a day off from most jobs, but that doesn't mean from all work.  Every day we have is an opportunity to learn from our earlier choices, to improve from our earlier state, and to do things we've never done before.

(2) Reserving Alone Time.
Our high-conflict neighbors simply cannot function unless they are active, around people, and "on" as much as possible.  Our secret weapon is in avoiding this trap.  Every single day, we are to spend some time alone.  To write/journal, meditate, relax, or just be there.  That doesn't mean you stop moving forward, do nothing, and get lazy.  It does mean you take a period of time, not to long and not to short, to clear your mind, stabilize your thoughts, and keep your emotions in check and in order.

(3) Looking For Reasons To Be Happy.
Always find something, every day, that makes you smile.  A joke, a quick word with a friend, anything that gives you a reason to appreciate everything that is right about this world.  Even if you're having a bad day, people are being challenging or difficult to you, or unfortunate consequences have happened, do this.

The Big 1-7 is going to be a year of changes for you all and for me.  I'm looking to become even more successful in my career, get my message out through this blog and other means, and to start a life of happiness with somebody special.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

So What's In A Name?

Hey All - It's Christmukkah!  A rare and welcome event when the first night of Chanukah is also Christmas Eve, and the rest of Chanukah runs right into New Year's.  A great opportunity for caring and sharing.

In keeping with that opportunity, I've come to realize that I need to give more emphasis to the true theme of this blog.  Those of you who follow me on Facebook and Twitter have noticed that I have used the hashtags "emotional maturity" and "respect" more often than "Bold Betas" and "alpholes."  This has happened due to what I consider a natural evolution in my writing, and how things are developing in my life and the world around me.

When I started using the original hashtags, I was at a slightly different place in life than I am now.  Since a lot of blessings have been heading my way, the need to have a "bad guy" to throw things at has somewhat lessened, and the need to focus on how to handle life's challenges with intelligence and not with reactions has increased.

There really are people who are high-conflict, unnecessarily aggressive, threatening, narcissistic, and sociopathic.  They do exist.  And there really are people who've been hurt, put down, done to, held back, and underdeveloped.  They do exist too.  However, as I face the end of this year, I've started to realize that the way to address these problems is by not necessarily demonizing or deifying anyone, but not demonstrating how Emotional Maturity and Respect would change both extremes.

That being said, I'm just not sure about retitling this blog, or doing away with the original hashtags.  I think they still matter.

However, in the coming year, I would like to increase traffic, gain more exposure, expand into speaking engagements, and make a contribution to the world around me other than working and paying taxes.  In order to do that effectively, I have to ask the advice of other people who can see these messages from an outsider's perspective.

So, my readers, I address the following queries to you:

(1) Should I, or should I not, retire the terms "Bold Betas" and "alpholes?"

(2) If so, should I, or should I not, retitle this blog?

(3) If so, do I, or do I not, risk losing the audience I seek?

Only serious responses requested, of course.  And if you're on Facebook, and your comment is likely to exceed one paragraph, please direct-message me instead.

DISCLAIMER:  While I'm not yet sure whether to make Emotional Maturity a title of this blog, I am very sure to let it govern how we address each other.  If your statements to me reveal a lack of emotional maturity, they're getting deleted.  Your subsequent accusations of cowardice will not negate my boundaries.

Happy Holidays, everybody!

Trump Haters? Aim It That Way.

Hey All.  Well, we know what happened.

Were you mad at him for his tone?  His vulgarity?  His crudeness?  What he said about these people, those people, and damn near everyone?

Good.  I'm honestly glad you were.  It's actually very reassuring that this world does not want to live by the alphaganda after all.  This helps my cause more than you might realize.  Now if people could only prove it by keeping their cool and not rioting.

So what to do now, that he actually won?  Divide that anger to be aimed in these five directions:

(1)  Take 20% of that anger at Trump, and aim it at children who bully.  Remember how horrible you thought Trump sounded at his debates and in his interviews, and aim it at every kid who pushes, shoves, wedgies, and threatens those weaker or less adjusted than him or her.  Pretend that kid is Trump himself, and let that kid have it!  Don't hold back!  Just 20% of Trump Hatred should shake that kid's very foundations enough to check the behavior.

(2) Take another 20%.  Aim it at abusive bosses.  Also aim it at boss-appointed bullies who flaunt authority they don't deserve.  Tell them that you think the way you're treated is unacceptable, and if it doesn't change, you're out the door.  (Caveat - unless you're prepared to be self-employed, get yourself a new job before doing this)

(3) Take another 20%.  Aim it at family members who don't treat you with respect.  I mean parents, children, spouses, partners, uncles, cousins, in-laws - no more free passes.  Just 20% of that Trump rage should put them on notice that their behavior will not be tolerated.  (Further Caveat - there is a risk of schism within the family if this happens, because there will always be enablers who think they've done nothing wrong.  Prepare for this eventuality)

(4) Take another 20%.  Aim it at any laws, rules, ordinances, or regulations are unjust, unethical, unfairly prejudicial, harmful, or contrary to reasonable expectations of fairness.  In other words, get rid of stupid rules.  I'm not saying be a foolish revolutionary, since you only get 20% for this assignment.  But make your voice heard.  Write your Congressperson/Senator/State legislator/local legislator and tell them what's not right.  Go to a school board meeting and tell them why things should change.  Act like there's something that might be bigger than your own immediate space, and that it matters big time!  And I'm not interested in whether it's a conservative or a liberal issue - I'm interested in explaining why a rule should be repealed, and not just violated.  And that means persuasion, and not senseless violence.

(5) Take another 20%.  Aim it at the mirror!  We're far from perfect, you and I, and we can admit to ourselves that there are times we've done and said things that even Trump wouldn't!  If you're grown enough to own that, then you can take it upon yourself the responsibility of ceasing it.  If you're still hating Trump, but excusing your own conduct, you can feel free to refer to this process as DeTrumping Yourself!  Think he's so horrible, he's an ogre, he's no good?  Then make yourselves as much of an opposite of that as you can.  Bashing him every minute of every day is an unprofitable venture - demonstrating that you don't emulate those traits will yield huge dividends.

Nobody said he was a role model.  He was elected to be a leader in spite of his foibles, and not because of them.

Ummm, Daaaaaaave?  Can I ask a question?

You just did, so obviously you can.

How could you support him, of all people?!?  You spent how many years lamenting the evil that these men do, and now you choose him to be our President?!?

I'm glad you asked me that most popular and bandwagon-esque of all questions.  For the answer, however, we'll just have to wait until the Inauguration this January.

Until then, I'm looking towards Thanksgiving - where we can all show gratitude, and not regret.  Towards the phenomenon of Chanukah commencing on Christmas Eve - you can't get much more Judeo-Christian than that!  And of course, the year 2017 - foretold by Billy Joel in one of his best songs.


Night All!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

The Opposition's Weaknesses

Hi All - Halloween is behind us, Thanksgiving may or may not be glossed over, and the Winter Holidays are just around the corner.  So what's on the docket for today?

Often times, people try to intimidate us when we say things that we're proud of or happy about.  If they're toxic enough, they'll try to say that what we like is stupid or useless, and they'll say it in the loudest, longest, and most obnoxious way.  And because they know that we're basically nicer, and are less likely to fight back, they sometimes also will say it in front of a crowd of followers and sycophants, since they need continuous reinforcement through enabling to continue living off this toxicity.

Why they do that is not as important as how to handle it.  However, some insight into their quest to silence you might reveal a few tips and pointers:

(Reason 1)  They're not secure enough to handle someone who thinks differently than they do, and can't share the floor with other voices.  
(Solution 1)   Keep voicing your opinion anyway.  The more they try to silence you, make yourself better, wiser, and more thick-skinned.  No matter how loud they get, they'll be forced to reckon with you.

(Reason 2)  They have weaknesses to protect, and the longer they allow you to talk, they're afraid you'll touch a nerve.
(Solution 2)  Keep it in your back pocket.  Don't hit them over the head out of nowhere with it, that's their game plan, and not ours.  Once they cross a line, which they always do, lock on the target and pull the trigger.  You didn't start that conflict, and they sure as heck asked for it.

(Reason 3)  They have been enabled, spoiled, and protected for so long they don't understand how it feels to be wrong, incorrect, or behind the times.  And it shakes the very foundations upon which they stand.
(Solution 3)  Keep it in lower in your back pocket.  It's not our way to fight arrogance with arrogance.  But whenever they make it a personal attack, yes you can hit them over the head with this.  The very concept of choosing not to say something, even though you can, was obviously never taught to them earlier, so teach them now.  

As I've stated before, the way for us Betas to improve our lives, be happier, and attain greater successes is to be Bold and Bulletproof.  That means not letting people bully us into silence just because they don't know how to respectfully disagree.  That means shoring up our feelings airtight so nothing they say can wound us, stun us, or make us feel ashamed of ourselves.  And yes, when warranted, that means take a shot at them to show them what is acceptable and what is not.

Unfortunately, there are still more alpholes out there than there are of us.  For now.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Only With Effort

Hey All!  Are you ready for the summer? 

A universal truth became apparent to me recently:  the only way to have the life, friends, and surroundings we want is through continuous effort.

Sometimes people say, let "nature take its course."  Is that what we really want?

If we have a house and let "nature take its course," it doesn't get cleaned, wear and tear becomes excessive, grass doesn't get mowed, leaves don't get raked, and the local authorities condemn it.

If we have a relationship and let "nature take its course," birthdays and anniversaries get forgotten, plans don't get made, memories don't get created, and feelings don't get reinforced.

If we, as beta males, let "nature take its course," we get manipulated by over-aggressive types, we get ignored and passed over, we get shamed and punished for not delivering what "they" want, and we resign ourselves to a life of anonymity.

HOWEVER, WHEN EFFORT IS APPLIED:

The house is kept in great condition, and possibly increases in value.

The relationship blossoms and thrives.

And as beta males, so do we.

I am not saying that we must overburden ourselves with everything we do to the point of burnout.  That's no way to live.  But I am saying that self-actualization, confidence-building, and basic human respect happen only with effort, and they are not given to us automatically.  It takes practice to become Bold and Bulletproof, and if we stop for too long, we backslide.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Grabbing the Tiger By The Toe!

Hi All -- did you remember to spring ahead?

Many things anger us:  the guy in the subway is a rude jerk, someone on the street is annoying, somebody and school or work seems to always "get away" with things that would get you suspended fired in a nanosecond.  Somebody gives you bad information, somebody laughs at your opinions, someone just always has to say that you're wrong, or just always has to brag about how much better they are than you.

You're actually allowed to be angry at them -- for One Minute.  And I mean one minute only.  That is your window of opportunity to either confront the problem or dismiss it.  This can actually be deferred to a later time when circumstances prevent an immediate reaction, but it cannot be extended.  You also have the third option of venting your anger in a safe place with someone you trust, but it's still only one minute.  After that, your thoughts must go elsewhere.

Stewing, fuming, gossiping, and bashing has never solved a problem in history.  It has only made them worse.

If you must re-visit this anger, either (a) use it from a position of strength to build, create, or take other types of needed action, or (b) diffuse it.  If that anger gives you power, fuel, and gusto to clean your house from top to bottom, write an unbeatable legal brief, or help a child build a toy with incomprehensible instructions, so be it!  If not, then either work it out through various forms of exercise, or smooth it out through various forms of meditation and relaxation.

Point being, as I've stated before, self-actualization means to control anger, and not to be controlled by it.  Grab the tiger by the toe, or it will eat all ten of yours!!!!!!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.   I AM BETA. 

The Have and The Lack

Hey All!  My "producer" advised me to lay off the entry for Sunday night, because the Oscars were on, so here is a slightly delayed blog entry.

Sometimes we feel that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  Sometimes we feel that were might be inadequate in comparison with others.  And yes, sometimes other people win and we lose.

It's OK to admit that we're somewhat fragile, and we sometimes feel sad or disappointed when this happens.  However, this does not make it OK to focus, emphasize, or unnaturally obsess over that which we do not have.

There might be negative values in mathematics.  There are no such things in real life.  You cannot assign a value to that which you do not have, or do not possess, or which does not exist in the first place.

Does someone else have an expensive possession that you can't afford?  An attractive female companion that "would never go for someone like me?"  A more exciting job?  A whole crowd of people who agree with every single thing they say?

Congratulations to them, they must be (making you think that they are always) very happy.  Enough about them, what about you?

The key here is to focus on what you have, and not what someone else has that you lack.  Chances are that these bon vivants lack things that you have!  Maybe your job has strengths that his does not.  Maybe your more modest possessions are of higher quality.  Maybe your strengths are more valuable than you realize, and when you stop mourning over what you don't have, you'll appreciate what you do have even more.

And another thing about what you do have  . . .  once you embrace its strengths and values, don't be ashamed.  Don't let anyone pontificate, guilt-trip, or insult you into thinking that you owe some of it to others who lack it.  When they do that, it's even worse than mourning over things that are lacking.  It's demanding that those who possess it give it to those who don't, just because.

There's nothing wrong with being charitable when you choose to be.  In fact, it's admirable.  But
 just like you don't demand that someone who has something you lack provide it to you, don't think you're obligated, or required, to share anything that you don't choose to share.  Let someone else be deluded by that way of thinking.

That's the jam -- love it, hate it, feel free to say so!

The Four Pillars!

Hey All!  About that time again!

Since there are now a few new readers of this blog and viewers of the video, it's only fair that I reboot the central purpose of these writings.   So here's the very first blog post I wrote, edited and updated for today's audience.

As I've grown older and reflected on the course my life has taken, I have realized that every young man, in order to survive into adulthood, must accept and adopt the following Four Pillars of Life:

(1) I Exist.

(2) I Matter.

(3) I Belong.

(4) I Deserve.

I Exist.

It would appear to go without saying that we exist.  Cogito Ergo Sum, for all the Latin speakers out there.  But this first element is too easily taken for granted.  There are too many young men who fall short of their potential and resign themselves to lowly or insignificant roles in life because they have incorrectly resigned themselves to the role of a "nobody."  They think they're just someone's son, someone's brother, someone's husband, someone's father.  They either stopped trying to attain dreams, or failed to dream new ones, or both.

When boys are small, they are very aware of their existence. In fact, it's what they're most aware of in life.  However, through no fault of their own, these boys sometimes are deceived into believing that they either do not, or should not, exist.  I’m not concerned with how it happens, but only that it happens.  If that tragically incorrect belief is not corrected in short order, confusion envelopes the boy's mind.  This  confusion leads to guilt, doubt, shame, self-loathing, and other emotions that can stunt his growth and destroy his self-worth.  Otherwise, when that boy becomes a man, he must re-learn the value of his existence, and understand that he is here for a reason. Unfortunately, this is sometimes made more difficult when the boy, now a man, finds himself attracting people who do think he does not, or should not, exist.

I Matter.

Even if these boys come to terms with their existence, they still may not be convinced that their existence is relevant.  Someone may have told them they were "slow," "underachieving," or the worst euphemism of all, "special."  They may have their weaknesses shoved in their faces by predatory elements, reinforcing the notion that they are "losers" or "useless."  If his strengths are not reinforced during childhood, and they don’t receive sufficient positive affirmations to build confidence, the boy will be convinced that he does not "matter," and must again convince himself otherwise during adulthood.  He may find himself attracting those who continue to convince him he does not matter, making the process even more difficult.

I Belong.

Belonging is something that only the boy can decide for himself -- not only that truth that he belongs, but where and with whom he belongs. However, if the boy does make that decision at the right time, he will "settle." He will associate with those who do not help him achieve his potential, but instead merely "accept" him and allow him to occupy space within their ranks.  He will not develop as a participant, or even a leader, but will only be a follower, unable to think or reason in a manner different than the rest of the "herd."  Or worse, he will associate with individuals who are toxic towards him, and derive pleasure from continuously rejecting, abusing, and bullying him, or forcing him to continuously fight a losing battle.  Resigned to a mistaken belief that those who truly would accept him will only reject him instead, and vice-versa, he sabotages this component of his development and fails to make valuable contacts and friendships that would otherwise serve him well.

Again, this must be reinforced during childhood. If not, the boy will either (a) become a recluse, believing that he cannot make any friends; or (b) ONLY associate with the wrong people.  If this is not remedied, the future will include not only difficult, but disastrous consequences.

I Deserve.

The final Pillar, to deserve, simply cannot stand if the first three have not been properly erected.  To deserve is to use the faith, belief, and courage needed for plain and simple success.  This is the underlying theme of everything that our friends Anthony Robbins, Joel Osteen, and Dr. Phil have been telling us for years in their own words -- beyond just being, mattering, and belonging, in order to ADVANCE, you must BELIEVE that you DESERVE to have what you want!  Don't write yourself off saying "it never happened" before you even tried!  And even worse, don't just go around telling people you're doing it when you have no intention of doing so!  DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS ABOUT IT! DESERVE IT, PERIOD!

Why state the obvious?  Don't most guys already know this?  Not if they're faking it they don't!  As for those of us who grow up with one or more of these Pillars missing, we tend to wait on longer lines than the ones our more well-adjusted neighbors occupy. And it HURTS.  And since all four Pillars are interdependent, you can't have one missing.  For a plane to fly you can't have three out of four engines working!

And why am I focusing on these Pillars for men and boys, but not for women and girls?  Because life and nature are not politically correct.  Even if this is the 21st Century, society does not cruelly punish women for having low self-esteem or confidence, but it certainly does punish men.  Very harshly.

If a woman does not have all Four Pillars, she can most likely depend on a husband, a partner, or a family member to support her while she takes all the time she heeds to wallow in self-pity.  MEN CANNOT AND DO NOT HAVE THIS LUXURY!

So how does a man with low self-esteem survive?  Childhood is over.  Pointing fingers at our parents and their failures is not effective.  Repeating these Four Pillars, contemplating them at your job or at school, feeling them during your social interactions, and just plain living them WILL WORK.

Let's review, gentlemen:

I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.

This is not the grunt of an animal who cannot respect those around him.  This is also not the wail of a spoiled child who is granted everything without earning it, and only becomes more and more demanding.  This is the battle cry of a young man who seeks to live and profit from life.  This is the song of redemption, fulfillment, and self-actualization. This is the eviction notice to the thoughts of defeat and rejection that have been squatting rent-free in men's subconscious minds for decades.  This is the death sentence to the ill effects of bad childhoods, worse adolescences, and unpleasant adulthoods.  Again!

I EXIST! I MATTER! I BELONG! I DESERVE!

Don't just say it, USE it!

A or B -- Why Even Choose?

Hey All -- had a sweet time out east at a few North Fork wineries with some good friends -- and now back to the message and the mission.

With a little downtime this weekend, I read through a few self-help blogs and gender-role sites, and studies up on the issue of alpha males and beta males.  We are led to believe that there are two, and only two, types of men in our society, and their traits are as follows:

ALPHA MALES:

(1).  Get very aggressive.
(2).  Take what they want and reject what they don't.
(3).  Attract females because they're confident.
(4).  Have followers and wingmen.
(5).  Are not constrained by rules, fear, doubt, or guilt.
(6).  Fail to take others' interests into account.
(7).  Are rude, abrasive, and abusive.
(8).  Have no problem disrespecting anyone else, because they usually don't face consequences.
(9).  Don't learn from their mistakes, because they're never wrong.
(10).  Get so many free passes, that when consequences actually do hit, they're destroyed.

BETA MALES:

(1).  Nicest guys in the world.
(2).  Care for others more than they do for their own needs.
(3).  They listen, are attentive, and never forget anything.
(4).  Give to others without even being asked, "just because."
(5).  Respectful and courteous to everyone.
(6).  Allow others to take advantage of them.
(7).  Never set boundaries.
(8).  Never take risks.
(9).  Never confront those who wrong them.
(10).  Never try to improve their situation because they get too comfortable.

As you may have noticed, both groups of men have favorable qualities, as well as undesirable ones.  There seems to be a great debate over which type of man is more acceptable in jobs or families, or even groups of friends and associates.  There are many self-help books and sites devoted to helping betas convert themselves into alphas, but there are also many sources that indicate that betas are somewhat better (no doubt based on ulterior motives).

Since this was originally a blog devoted to assist men and boys with low self-esteem, it would be doing a disservice to abandon the original mission and leave the target audience behind.   My solution?

BE BOTH.

Your Alpha qualities?  I'm not saying you should all bulk up, get tattoos, drink Jack Daniels and get into a bar fight every week.  Nobody dreams about being the toughest man in jail.  That being said, do like the alphas in (a) putting your fear, doubt, and guilt to the side, (b) being confident at every endeavor, even if odds are you'll lose; and (c) demanding what is good for you and rejecting everything that is not.

Your Beta qualities?  Don't be so quick to jettison those, but that doesn't mean you should be a weak, passive, Caspar Milquetoast either.  Without becoming sycophantic and gutless, just start making the needs of a chosen few a priority.  Tune in a little bit more, and try to retain some of what others ask of you - to you, it might be insignificant, but to someone else it could mean everything.  And when you can, smile.  Say hello.  Ask about other people's latest events, and care about them.

Now that I'm looking at this, a lot of these qualities are already contained in the Scout Oath and Scout Law, which many of us memorized.  Lately, the Boy Scouts of America has gotten a bad rap over a single issue that has been drawn out of proportion by individuals who have no clue what Scouting is all about.  But Scouting was right about this message 100 years ago, and it's still right today.  There's no shame in continuing this standard well into adulthood.

The so-called experts out there may say that beta males are the bane of our existence, and must be converted quickly and forcefully lest they be pulverized.  They may also say that alpha males should be partially castrated in some way, in order to become more domesticated and pliable.  I am no expert, but I say they're both wrong.

If you're going to stick with the Four Pillars, you need to be both.  Your alpha qualities will convince yourself that you exist, matter, belong, and deserve.  Your beta qualities will convince everyone else.  At least everyone else worthy enough to receive them, anyway.

Say it with me, troops!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Night, all.  Enjoy Game Of Thrones!