Standing Alone

Hey All -- it's about that time again!

The big issue in the news -- besides watching my team's biggest rival digging a hole in the Stanley Cup Finals -- the release of a soldier held hostage in exchange for five terrorists.

As my regular readers know, I'm a big advocate of individualism and independence.  I value doing the right thing instead of conformity.  That means being comfortable in your own skin.

Most of the time, the right thing means doing what serves you the best, over what serves others.  However, once in a while it's right thing to do a little something to make someone else happy.  For example, let's say a friend of yours is throwing a party for someone else, and wants everyone to dress a little nicer than they ordinarily would.  So you bite the bullet, get some office dress-down clothes, and show up there.  And you see EVERY OTHER GUY THERE wearing the same jeans and boots they do every day, despite the assurance that "everyone" was going the khakis route.

A little annoying, of course.  Ironically, the intent was to conform, but the result was to stand out.  Still, if your host asks everyone to dress a little nicer just because it's a special occasion for a guest of honor, and you actually oblige, given the small effort it takes, it doesn't go unnoticed.  In that circumstance, standing alone and doing what you know is right is a good thing -- a very good thing.

But recently, we've heard about someone who followed his convictions to the detriment of those who needed him not to as a matter of life and death.  This man put on a uniform and took an oath to defend his country against "all enemies, foreign and domestic," and reconsidered that oath at the worst time possible.  Emails back home revealed his dissatisfaction and disillusionment with the army's presence in Afghanistan, and gives credence to the story that he voluntarily deserted his unit and was captured by the Taliban.  Reports indicate that while in captivity, he willingly adopted the language, religion, and worldview of his captors, and they eventually treated him less like a prisoner and more like a comrade.

Unaware of this soldier's all-too-willing conversion to the enemy's way of life, the Army made at least one attempt to rescue this soldier, resulting in the deaths of those who were loyal enough to seek out their captured brother.  While clearly aware of what happened to this soldier behind enemy lines, our executive leadership chose to negotiate for his freedom, in exchange for the release of five known terrorists from Guantanamo Bay.

We've all heard the story and the reactions.  But I want to concentrate less on the reasons why the White House made this choice, and on its likely ramifications, and to concentrate more on what this soldier thought and did.

The United States of America has the mightiest army in the world.  Sometimes it has been sent to engage in popular and justified actions in other areas of the world, and sometimes it has participated in less popular ventures.  However, it is not up to the soldiers to decide if they like it.

Our military is there to protect our freedom, and in doing so, they must give up their own freedom for a time.  This is why they are sent to boot camp, where they are trained to keep their heads under life-or-death situations and to follow orders without question.  This is why they are also trained in combat and firearms.  And this is why they take that oath to give the Army their utmost loyalty.  Every soldier is trained to back up his brothers and to act as teammates.  In this circumstances, the group is fundamentally more important than the individual.

If this soldier was unhappy with this Army's presence in Afghanistan, he could have done his job anyway, regardless of his opinion, and then waited until he rotated back to the world to tell us all how horrible he felt about that war.  Given recent history, that kind of timing might have gotten him appointed him as Secretary of State one day.

It is often said that before one can truly be an individual, one must first conform.  Stated another way, to be a leader, one must first be a follower.  Unlike the party and its guests I referenced above, Bowe Bergdahl had a duty to his unit, his superiors, and his country, and he violated this duty.  Voicing his opinion and following his conscience in the middle of a war zone was a horribly selfish and unbelievably dangerous thing to do.  Party guests have a simple duty to not kill one another.  Soldiers have a duty to remain loyal to each other, and not the enemy that they are fighting.  They have a duty to follow orders and to further their superior's objectives, and not expose their comrades to attack or ambush by seeking out the enemy.

Beta males are not subject to the rules of the alphaganda.  We have not been impressed into the Alpha Army, and we are not subject to their orders, and cannot be taken prisoner.  However, those who join the military actually are subject to something bigger than themselves, and put their own dissenting opinions on the back-burner.

Does this mean beta males should not enlist?  Not at all.  The party dress code might not be the best analogy, but it demonstrates that beta males are loyal.  We commit ourselves to principles that satisfy the highest good.  Sorry to disappoint the opposition, but the alphaganda ain't it.

So, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, here's the deal.  Despite your initials, you are not Bold, you are not Bulletproof, and you are certainly no Beta!  If anything, you may be a deserter or a traitor.  I hope you considered that as your good friends in Helman province indoctrinated you in their interpretation of the Koran.  I hope you consider it further as the Army decides what's to be done with you in the face of such disloyalty to the nation you swore to defend.  I hope you wake up and realize that you have made a most devious bargain with the most notorious alpholes the world has ever seen.

Then again, so did . . . no, I won't go there.

Night All!

Sometimes It Hurts.

Hey All, Sunday night once again, and we all know what that means!

A little discussion about Mr. T's prediction for the rematch in Rocky III:  Pain.

As beta males, the key to our advancement is to make ourselves bulletproof.  When we're completely self-actualized, nothing that the alpholes of the world say or do to us can make us second-guess our self-worth, or intimidate us, or make us the subservient followers that they wish we were.

Being bulletproof means that we won't get killed if they fire at us.  But anyone who's ever worn a Kevlar vest will tell you that it still packs a wallop when you get shot anyway.  In other words, sometimes when people give you their best shot in a confrontation, even if you end up winning, it can still hurt.

Unfortunately, some people still adopt the alphaganda's approach to pain.  Shake it off, ignore it, pretend it's not even there.  As beta males, we can't afford to let pain stop us from being ourselves.  But if we act in denial and pretend that it doesn't hurt when it really does and we know it, we're only making it worse.

This is where your close friends and family come in to help.  Beta males are so used to being the shoulder that someone else cries on that we don't know what it's like to open to someone else about our hurt.  We've also been fed the false notion that nobody cares that you're in any kind of emotional pain, and if you tell them, they'll think you're weak.  I'm not saying you should go to everyone with your tales of woe and misfortune, but there are definitely a few close people in your circle who would be only too happy to hear you out.

First and foremost?  Dear old Mom.  I don't care how old you or your mother is, there is no shame in giving her a call and telling her if there's something that's made you sad or angry.  Don't overburden her, of course, keep it short and sweet, but there's no shame in telling her.  She didn't stop being your mother when you moved out of her house, and you didn't stop being her son when you became a grown man.  She should be only too happy to give you whatever advice she can, and to give you a few pearls of wisdom to help you get back on top.

And if you're among the most fortunate of us betas, you have a special someone in your life.  Maybe a girlfriend, or maybe a wife?  How could you even consider not telling them what's eating at you?  They expect you to be their rock and their foundation when their emotions overwhelm them, and they expect you be chivalrous and gentlemanly in all affairs.  Believe it or not, they would be more than happy to do likewise for you.  If they really are your one true honey, they should not expect you to be this comic book caricature who never feels pain, fear, doubt, or worry.  Rather, merely out of love, they should expect you to confide in them with these very feelings, and to trust them the way they would trust you.

Yes, we are still human.  We are on an ongoing quest to be better men -- more responsible, more brave, more confident, more respectable -- but nobody said we were going to be inhuman cyborgs!  We are flesh and blood, therefore we have feelings.  A beta male should never feel obligated to ignore, bypass, or deny his feelings if they exist.  There may be less appropriate times to convey them than others, but if you have close family or friends around you, do yourself a favor and confide in them.  This is why they're here, and they would expect the same from you.

Hopefully, none of you are feeling the kind of pain that I'm talking about.  But if you are, the best way to relieve it is to turn to your loved ones.  You have them for a reason, so don't be so quick to forget about them in your quest for self-actualization.  You may need them one day.

That's my jam tonight, all!

Raw Deals

Hey all, about that time.  We're now beginning the Book of Exodus!

Joseph may have been the Man in Egypt, but his time ended.  A few generations passed, and the Hebrews grew fruitful and multiplied, as commanded.  But then new leadership took over, and felt threatened by the fruitfulness and enslaved them.  When that didn't keep them in line, he ruled that all newborn Hebrew males must be drowned in the Nile.

Moses, son of a Levite, was spared this cruel fate by being sent down the Nile in a wicker basket, to be discovered by the Pharaoh's daughter, who raised him as her own.  But instead of reveling in Egyptian power like Joseph did, Moses killed an Egyptian taskmaster he saw beating a slave, and became an urban legend among the other slaves for this actions, meaning he had to flee to Midian.

While he was hiding out, G-D appeared to Moses as a burning bush at Mount Horeb and chooses him to free the slaves from Egypt.  He will go in G-D's name, explain this to the Hebrew elders, and explain that the Hebrews will be freed from slavery and given the land currently occupied by the Canaanites.  He also assured Moses that he need not fear what the Egyptians might do, because He'll handle them.  Pharaoh, similar to bullies of later generations, did not back off from anything unless it was stronger than him, so G-D would be Moses' muscle.  And He'd get the average Egyptian to start sympathizing with the slaves, too!

And just to prove Who was making it all happened, He showed a few "signs and wonders."  Moses still felt reluctant to take this job, as a "man of few words," but G-D told him to not even sweat it, He would give Moses the words, but if he'd rather use a mouthpiece anyway, He'll tap his long-lost brother Aaron into service.  And don't worry about everyone who wanted to nail you for killing that taskmaster, the statute has run, so nobody's going to hold that against you.

So he and Aaron give the good news to the Hebrews, and put on the signs & wonders show, and they give them credence.  They then ask Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go out for three days into the wilderness to sacrifice to G-D.  Pharaoh not only shuts them down, he directs the slave to make bricks without providing them with the straw needed to do so.

Moses asks G-D why He allowed Pharaoh to hurt the Hebrews, and G-D says, "Just wait."

Sometimes we find ourselves with a goal or mission that makes little sense to others.  Sometimes our reasoning looks crazy or stupid to those who think they know it all, and don't.  But if you know for a fact that something is right, you do yourself a disservice when you hold back.

When Moses complained that he'd rather have someone else actually do the talking in Pharaoh's Court, the text indicates that G-D was angry with him for making that request.  He had no problem talking with his fists when he killed a taskmaster to protect a slave, why is he getting scared to actually speak to Pharaoh?  Possibly because that current Pharaoh grew up with him in the palace, and might be less receptive to his new role?  Maybe because somebody could recognize his voice and say, "Why should we believe that this murderer is carrying a message from a foreign deity?"  Either way, this was a big blunder on Moses' part, because he let guilt and fear from the past immobilize him.  

He may have had a prior station in life that he had to give up for a good reason.  But it was still his calling to free those same people for whom he killed to protect.  Instead of realizing that his sense of justice, which led him to take a life, had come full circle, as he was now about to protect the entire Hebrew nation, instead of just one slave.  But he was too scared to take on this role, so he had to have his own personal spokesman.

Not to get off on a tangent, but this reminds me of those situations where a family is involved in a newsworthy story, and who speaks to the media?  A "family spokesperson."  More often than not, this "family spokesperson" doesn't even have the same name as the family.  And more often than not, this "family spokesperson" is defensive and abrasive, and forever demands that the media just "leave the family alone," knowing full well that this demand does not make the story less newsworthy.  The "family spokesperson" does nothing but prevent the real parties to the story from making an appearance, and serves as a confirmation that the actual "family" are cowards who will not speak for themselves.

Not everyone stays cool and calm when visited by a forgotten diety who makes clear demands and scares you a little bit so you'll know He's real.  Moses gets some credit because of that, but he could have grown enough courage to agree to challenge Pharaoh on his own, without Aaron as a "spokesperson," especially after G-D promised to protect him from anything that Pharaoh would try to do.  This may explain why G-D allowed Pharaoh to tighten his grip on the Hebrews a little bit . . . if you doubt yourself, you'll lose ground, but if you trust yourself, you'll advance.

And so, my Beta Brothers, take this story from the beginning of Exodus to heart.  As cute, adorable, and comfortable as it may be to be a reluctant and unassuming leader, it is far better in the long run to be a confident one.  You can still be a nice guy, but try being nice and assertive simultaneously -- it really can be done!

Go Your Way . . . .

For Your Protection

Hey All -- still on vacation in sunny Florida, but I wanted to post something else . . . .

For the past several years, I have spoken out against all forms of bullying and intimidation.  There's not much more I can add to that, but I'd like to address the flip side -- coping mechanisms for those who are the unfortunate recipients.

If you're new to this blog, having read my new and more accurate title, you're a beta male.  You are good-natured, giving, and moral.  Unfortunately, far too many people take advantage of this.  So use this visualization technique:

(1)  Imagine your heart.  It keeps you alive.  It holds your passions, your desires, your fears, your vulnerability, and your very soul.  It is your very essence.

(2) Before you interact with other people, encase it in armor.  Solid, impenetrable armor, with jutting blades and spikes.  Able to withstand any strike or blow, and to repel any attempt to breach it.  It can't even be dented by the deadliest attack against it.

(if you're in law enforcement, don't make this a substitute for your Kevlar.  Moving on . . . .)

(3) The interior of this armor, however, is soft.  Comfortable.  Soothing.  It matches the material that your heart itself could be made of.  While the exterior protects your heart from anything that could harm it, the interior keeps it comfortable and at peace.

(4)  An added feature of this armor is a cleansing mechanism.  In the unlikely event that something does get through the armor, it acts to dispose of the foreign agent that disrupts your heart's peace.  It corrodes the unwelcome element and removes it before it can enter the bloodstream.

(5)  When you are with people who are good to you, who have earned your trust, and seek to do nothing but good, you are safe to remove this armor.  You may then be honest with your passions, desires, fears, and vulnerability.  But only do this when you have confirmed that there is no danger to your heart.  Yes, you will be able to use the cleansing mechanism should an attack happen, but be sure that it won't anyway.

(6) When you are with anyone else, keep that armor on no matter what.  Don't unlock it.  Don't let your guard down.  Protect yourself.  Don't let them infect your very being with sadness, anger, hurt, or hatred.  Don't let them break through.  Don't let them think they own you.  They don't.
That doesn't mean go all badass on them unless it's warranted, though.  Remember that we don't live in a comic book.  Just keep yourself fully protected.

That also does NOT let the miscreants, bullies, gangstas, and undesirables of this world off the hook.  Not by a long shot, it doesn't.  They still deserve consequences for their behavior of one form or another.  But they don't deserve the satisfaction of watching you crumble because your heart was not protected.

And, just in case Paragraph 5 wasn't clear enough, it does not mean that you make yourself an island.  There are times you can feel safe enough to disarm.  Just know the difference.

Yes, I am a little more focused with the blog lately.  I hope this doesn't send my long-time readers running for the hills, but I also hope I'll reach my target audience a bit better.

Beta Males, it's OK to feel.  It's OK to be afraid.  It's OK to have morals.  It's OK to be vulnerable.  But it's only OK when you use these traits as strengths, and not when they are exploited as weaknesses by the alphaganda.  Protect yourself as much as possible, not just so you can prove to others that "it doesn't bother me," but just so they don't hurt you.  Your heart is the most precious thing you have, more than wealth, more than companionship, and more than your reputation.  Guard it with your life!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Close Platonics

Hey All - here it is.

Started writing this one on the iPhone app, to whence it went I heard 'nary a clap . . . .

Yes, that was lame, but you get my drift.  Back to the drawing board . . . .

Over the course of my now-lengthy lifespan, I've had many platonic female friends.  The way my life has developed, I now have more of them than I do guy friends.  I'm happy with this, because many of them are actually better friends than my guy friends are.

However, a subset has formed within this group.  An elite and secret club . . . so secret that the members may not have actually known each other.  These are my Close Platonics.

Close, meaning that they are only platonic because there is an impenetrable and immovable barrier that prevents my relationship with them from being anything more than platonic, and but-for that barrier, we might have bonded in ways that Nicholas Sparks could write about it.  But that barrier remains, although the feelings would prefer otherwise/

With these women, I've shared deep and personal thoughts -- so deep that I don't even post them here -- and they've done likewise with me.  Bonds have developed over the years, notwithstanding those barriers, and feelings have developed too.  It's frustrating, but at the same time joyous, to know that those feelings are mutual, despite the fact that they will never be acted upon.  So even if I am hemmed in, and blocked from my honest desires, I can still enjoy what is available, and not take it for granted.

The "Friend Zone" is not the place every man hopes to be.  When you're there, it's easy to assume that you've been placed there because someone else thinks you're not good/rich/strong/cool/badass enough, but they feel sorry you, so you get the consolation prize.  Sometimes that's true, which is sad, but sometimes it's not.  Sometimes the friendship is there for a good reason, and if those barriers were lifted, the further relationship that's desired might not have been such a good one.  Or maybe those barriers actually make the friendship stronger than it would be without it, sort of like an extra reinforcement.

So, to my Close Platonics, I'm thankful that I have you in my life.  It makes me happy to know that we have the bond we do, and that we can tell each other damn near everything because of it.  In some parallel universe, or maybe in several of them, we're living fantasy lives where the barriers don't exist, and it's nice to imagine how those lives might have unfolded, but here in this life, the barriers are firmly in place, where they're needed.  I accept that.

In acknowledging these limits, there is further development of emotional maturity.  Accepting the things we cannot change, etc.  It is far better to have this maturity developed and encouraged by a close friendship, chaste though it may be, than it is by animosity and innuendo.  And so gentlemen, even if you are relegated to the "Friend Zone," you can upgrade it to a Close Friend Zone.  You can assuage your feelings of frustration with the knowledge that within the limits set by others, there is still much to be gained.

DISCLAIMER:  The identities of my Close Platonics are being withheld out of respect for their privacy.  If you are one of them, you should be able to recognize yourself.  But if you have a question in this regard, please message me privately.

Night All!