Forgiveness - Giving and Receiving

Hey All - had the best weekend, period.  Message me why and I'll give you the low-down.

Every year, Judaism has the Ten Days of Awe.  It begins with Rosh Hashanah, the beginning of the religious calendar, and ends with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.  Custom states that at the beginning of the Ten Days of Awe, a celestial auditing commences, and all the living are evaluated as to their deeds and misdeeds.  At the end of those Ten Days, the auditing is concluded and everyone's fate is sealed.  Therefore, it's a custom to use this week and a half to be more self-aware, more reflective, and definitely more empathetic to others.

When I was a kid, the father of a friend of mine had a note hanging from the refrigerator with a magnet.  It stated that the six most important words in the English language were, "I Admit I Made A Mistake."  It felt good to read that, but I knew that making such a sincere admission wasn't always going to get me a pat on the head.  My experience with the authority figures at the time was that stating that you did something wrong, no matter how regretful or sincere you were about it, would get you very unpleasant consequences.  Not everyone knows this, but when you do this to kids enough times, you end up teaching them to lie - if they know that telling the truth will always mean something bad, then it shouldn't be a surprise when they just tell you what you want to hear.

Honestly, we could do so much better, as a society and as people, if apologies and forgiveness really meant something.  What if we were less willing to condemn, and more willing to understand?  What if we were less willing to deflect the blame, and more willing to accept responsibility?  What if being wrong, or mistaken, wasn't seen as the kiss of death, and was seen as simply being human?  And what if the desire to hold someone else's mistakes over their head permanently simply wasn't there?

If we're talking about criminal wrongdoing or fraudulent activity, that might be somewhat more complicated.  But just about everything else we do in life should be easily resolved with a simple apology and acceptance if those who make mistakes weren't made afraid to own them, and those who felt wronged weren't so adamant about holding grudges.

Of course, this may severely impact the legal community.  Then again, a less litigious society might be a more pleasant society.

(A)  Did you make a mistake?
    (1)  Admit it.
    (2)  Own it.
    (3)  Forgive yourself.
    (4)  After you've finished dealing with it, don't dwell on it.

(B)  Did somebody do you wrong?  And if so, did they accept responsibility?
   (1)  Accept it.
   (2)  Forgive them.
   (3)  Keep moving to the next issue.

This doesn't mean taking the hit for something that you didn't do.  It also doesn't mean that you have to let someone continue to do you wrong all the time.  But it does mean that if you did the wrong, there should be nothing preventing you from owning it, and if you were wrong, there should be no reason to hold grudges or seek retribution.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Reconciliation For The Next Generation

Hey All -- sorry I missed you last week, but here's the straight dope from the Good Book:

Just as Jacob and Esau reconciled, so did Joseph and his brothers.  He had him right where he could make their lives absolutely miserable, given the power he'd earned, but somehow he saw fit to reveal his true identity and to forgive them for leaving him for dead in that ditch.

Many times in this blog, I have decried the evil of bullies, targeted the alpholes of this world, and sought to eliminate those who enabled them.  But forgiving them?  Letting it go?  Maybe giving them a friendly reminder that you have the means and the desire to flatten them, but you choose not to because it's better to be nice?!?!?!?!

Let's explore this in further detail . . . .

There's a friend of mine who casts a large and imposing figure.  The chance of anyone pushing him around or starting a bar fight with him is slim and none.  Still, when he was younger and smaller, he was bullied.  There was a classic high school loud mouth, undisciplined, spoiled moron who pelted him with spitballs and called him a lot of names bordering on racism.  Years later, after he'd grown to his full size of 6'5, he ran into this jabroni and invited him to throw a spitball "now."  After giving him the scare of his life, he revealed his true identity, and the two ended up becoming friends.

The way he tells this story, there is too much alphaganda and "might makes right" narrative for my taste.  That's not what this blog is all about, because those rules don't apply to us.  So I will extract the central idea and use it to highlight the theme of this biblical scene:  Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

His reasoning is not made clear, but he knew he was right to reveal himself to the 11 brothers who tried to kill him as a younger man.  He understood that, right or wrong, they all had the same father, and they would all have the same responsibility for making sure the nation of Israel would grow fruitful and multiply.  Even though he had achieved a status close to that of the Pharaohs, he never forgot his roots, or his duty to his heritage.  And it appears to me that those higher purposes required him to forgive his brothers, regardless of how hateful they previously were to him.  And, oh yeah, he did instigate some portion of it himself, as he was not just an innocent little lamb.

Israel/Jacob seemed to acknowledge the wrongs of the past by investing in the future.  He blessed Joseph's two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, echoing the blessing that Isaac administered to him and to Esau.  He placed his right hand on the younger son's head, when tradition would have stated otherwise.  Joseph tried to set him straight, believing him to be mistaken, but Israel explains that no, he's actually doing this on purpose, because he knows that the younger son's lineage will be stronger.  This appears to be his penance for tricking Isaac two generations ago.  Or maybe he's trying to set things straight from the beginning.  After all, G-D told Israel's mother that the younger son will be stronger, so she tried to finagle things to make it happen.  But now that Israel has received revelation directly from G-D, he already knows what lies ahead, so there's no need for trickery to prevent a mistake.

Whatever the reason, he's obviously learned from the mistakes of the past, and wants to make things right before he leaves this earth.  That's to be commended.  It looks like Jacob may have been the most self-aware of the three patriarchs, and his most-favored son apparently followed suit.

So it goes with us.  We are just as flawed as this ancient family, if not more, and it's just as easy for us to make mistakes.  But correcting those mistakes, rectifying the consequences, and taking preventive measures to avoid their recurrence is a sign of maturity.  In my opinion, that is one of the most respect-worthy things that someone can do.  Let's make it happen a little more often, huh?

The Record Is Closed

This evening, the 24-hour fast day of Yom Kippur came to an end.  For those who observe, this was our last chance to seek forgiveness for all wrongs we committed this year, and to ask for a chance to do it right this year.

In my profession, you usually get just once chance to make your argument or prove your case.  It's usually done "on the record," so there's always proof that you made it.  Only problem is, if you DON'T make that argument or offer of proof that you needed, and the record is CLOSED, YOU LOSE.

That means you can't bring it up for the first time on appeal -- can't sneak anything past judges at that level, for sure!

Well, I thought I covered everything as I was in temple last night and today, and made most of my peace with G-D.  However, during the course of the day, I did get a little curt and short with someone that I should not have.  I'm feeling a bit low about that, but the holiday is over.

That being said, the liturgy of this day says that the only atonement granted is for sins between you and G-D, which He is most likely to forgive.  Sins committed between you and other people?  You're on your own.

So, without bringing up any names or places, I would like to let this individual, who is a Facebook friend, know that I was wrong and I'm sorry.  I have no idea whether this person is in a forgiving mood, but I'm being sincere.

Of course, per my September 16, 2012 re-post, the ball would be in that person's court now.  If he/she is too good and full of themselves to accept my apology, my obligation ends.  By the way, this is why some people will tell you that NOT apologizing gets more respect than apologizing.  Far too many people see contrition as an act of weakness and groveling, and it emboldens them to rub it in the penitent one's face.

Accordingly, if my sincere entreaty is not accepted, then as far as I'm concerned, it's withdrawn, and my transgression is absolved.  It takes guts to admit that you made a mistake and you want forgiveness, but it takes little more than human decency to grant that forgiveness -- we're all human, after all.

Too big to forgive?  Take a gander at the book of Jonah, the lamest prophet in the Bible.  Went out of his way disobey G-D's own directive because he didn't want to see a whole nation of sinners forgiven.  Much to his chagrin, they did request atonement most sincerely, and it was granted over his objection, and G-D took the opportunity to rub it in Jonah's face so he'd finally learn!  Even after living in a whale's (or fish's) stomach for three days, the smell of the brine and seaweed did not alert him to the fact that forgiveness is available to all those who ask for it, and that nobody is so big to judge others not to forgive (except the Nazis, they'll never deserve it).

So now that the record is closed, and all is said and done -- I am sorry, but if I'm not forgiven, there's no real need to be.

Comment, y'all!

A New Year With a Repost!

Hey All --

Since many of you might have missed last year's post regarding the Jewish New Year and the Ten Days of Awe.  So, in honor of this holiday, here is last year's post, with a few edits, and some emphasis added for good measure.

Gentlemen:

Some of you may be aware that this week is the Jewish New Year, and next week is the Day of Atonement.  This is the time of year when many devout Jews take into account their deeds and misdeeds, their successes and failures, and their strengths and weaknesses.  Many of you might not celebrate these holidays, but what I've got to say about it may be worth a read.

During the Ten Days of Awe, G-D is said to take into account each person's conduct throughout the prior year, and to decide what consequences he or she will or may not experience as a result of that conduct.  It is implied that if we've done wrong, we may face a comeuppance.  However, the liturgy of these days states that "Prayer, Righteousness, and Repentance avert (or lessen, depending on the translation) the severe decree."

You've seen me blog about misdeeds before.  The Four Principles tell us that we Exist, Matter, Belong, and Deserve, but they don't tell us that we're perfect.  Unless one of you is a divine super-being from another world, and chose not to enlighten me to this fact, then it's pretty obvious that we've all made mistakes this past year.  We've all opened our mouths and put our feet in them.  We've all forgotten things we should have remembered, and obsessed over things that were completely irrelevant, to our detriment.  We've all gotten too big for our britches and put our own desires over others' needs.  And we've all gotten so incensed in the heat of a disagreement, that we've done or said things that should not have been done or said, and can't be taken back.

The liturgy gives us a road map that might persuade the Almighty to grant us forgiveness:

PRAYER -- this can take many forms.  For those who are traditional, this could mean attending morning synagogue services and wearing tefillin as a "sign upon your hand and as frontlets between your eyes (see Deuteronomy Chapter 6)."  Or maybe going to church, mass, temple or mosque, and reciting the appropriate supplications seeking forgiveness.  Or maybe just finding a quiet park bench, overlooking a lake, and seeking a personal connection with G-D.

There's no one sure-fire request to make of the Holy One, but I would borrow the recommendation a good friend of mine once made.  Think of how it feels when you're with a good friend, you tell a joke, and your friend laughs.  If you can go to the park bench described above, and you can sense that a good friend is already there, listening to you, you may have already made the connection.  Depending on your surroundings, either out loud or silently, just ask for it.  Ask to be forgiven.  Admit that you're only limited, and did the wrong thing, and that you want another chance.  There can never be any assurance of what the outcome will be, but if you don't ask, it's guaranteed you won't get.

RIGHTEOUSNESS -- this is a concerted effort to do the opposite of whatever mistakes you made last year.  Did you zag when you should have zigged?  Zig and zig hard.  Did you forget too many details?  Plug some notes into your smartphone so you'll remember.  Did you chew out a subordinate at work?  PRAISE your subordinates and praise them well.

Did you insult someone just because you thought they were weaker or dumber than you?  Make respect and honor your watchwords, because you won't get as many free passes as you think you will.  

This part is separate from the prayer component because most of us don't need guidance to know right from wrong.  Most of the time, we just know.  Abraham knew that it was wrong to try to kill his son Isaac.  However, because he received a commandment from on high, and didn't know where He was going with it, Abraham didn't have the gumption to refuse.  Many of us have found ourselves in that predicament because someone "cool" wanted us to do something that wasn't.  Righteousness means standing up to those who would have you do the wrong thing, consequences be damned, and saying NO.

REPENTANCE -- this is the tough part.  This means admitting to someone other than G-D that you wronged them, and promising not to go that route again.  Only problem is, to borrow a cliche from several action movies, G-D forgives, but many people don't.  Some of them see repentance as a sign of weakness, and an invitation to browbeat, to upbraid, to rub salt in wounds, to take advantage, and to put you down in order to make themselves look more righteous than they really are.

Several of you have been reading my post from September 19, 2010 on New Day, entitled "The Fast He Wanted," which contains an even more concrete example of a refusal to forgive.  Here's the link, for those who haven't yet read it:  http://runninglawchunglee.blogspot.com/2010/09/fast-he-wanted.html

This is where the 24-hour Statute of Limitations can be used as a buffer.  Chances are, the bastion of self-righteousness that you're now facing didn't tell you that you'd offended them until days, months, or weeks had passed.  This means that any claim they once had against you is waived.  This means that you do not need to feel guilty over what they perceive to have occurred, and you are under no obligation to apologize.  However, to comply with the three steps outlined above, and just because it's good to "be a mensch," you must still apologize if you know you've done wrong.

The 24-hour Statute of Limitations does not prevent you from repenting for your sins if you choose to do so.  It does, however, bar the allegedly aggrieved from attacking you further, because they didn't timely state their claim.  And if they do choose to attack you at a moment of contrition, any obligation you may have felt to apologize and make whole evaporates.  That's right.  Their claim was waived ab initio, you tried to make good on it anyway, and they tried to take advantage of your good nature to state a claim untimely.  People who do that are completely undeserving of repentance, and over time, they'll learn that the hard way.

As for those who were timely, but are less callous and more accepting, don't let them down.  REALLY make good on whatever ails them.  Don't just say you're sorry, show you're sorry.  By money, by deeds, by actions, whatever it is, make them whole.  Even if you can't completely make them whole, your efforts and your intentions will be golden, and they will respect you for it.  And they themselves will be golden by their choice to forgive!

The reading of the Prophets for the Second Day of Rosh Hashanah comes from Chapter 31 of the Book of Jeremiah.  In that passage, Israel is compared to Rachel weeping for her departed children, and G-D tells her to stop her weeping, because her work will be rewarded, and Israel will be forgiven for its sins.  The message, according to some rabbis, is that as long as you have performed Prayer, Righteousness, and Repentance, there's no need to keep begging and groveling for forgiveness.  Without expressly saying so, Jeremiah is saying that G-D had his own 24-hour Statute of Limitations in those days.  Once you've said your peace go G-D, it's OK to feel free.

So let it be with you all.  Get it right with G-D, get it right with yourself, and ask to get it right with others.  Everything else should be a piece of cake!

A good holiday to those that observe.  And may those that don't observe take something good away from this week's entry.

Thoughts For A Rainy Sunday -- Control and Disposition of Anger

Hey Peeps --
Kept inside today for a rainy day.  Gave me time to think a few things over.

(1)  Anger Against Others.

I've talked a lot about improving self-esteem and cracking down on those who hurt it.  But as we've all tended to realize, yet not always wanted to admit, the person most responsible for our self esteem is OURSELVES.

Staying angry at people who've wronged us may initially feel like a tool of empowerment.  You can reinforce the fact that they did wrong and we did not, and that makes us feel like winners.  But if the anger stays, the winning feeling doesn't.  Instead, the anger eats away at you like a cancer, drains your energy, and leaves you feeling miserable and unlovable.

Trust me on this, I know.  When people wronged me in the past, going back as far as junior high school, I'd hold onto that anger for years, sometimes even a decade or two.  A name or a place would be just enough to trigger feelings of unfinished business and wrongs without consequences, and leave me in a funk I wouldn't wish on anyone.  And I'd feel sorry for those within earshot once I started my rants about how horrible they were, and how bad they were, and they don't even deserve to live in a homeless shelter, etc., etc. 

After I noticed that people who heard me do this would all, without fail, find ways to excuse themselves from the conversation, a relevation occurred:  When you're that angry for that long a period of time, people stop being sympathetic.  People stop caring.  People stop giving a darn, because it's unbearable to listen to you.  To use my sister's phrase, you've become a "desperado," who needs attention to continue being a victim, who just can't move on from whatever happened years before, and has stunted his own growth.

The secret I've learned was already in front of me, courtesy of my father's simple, almost Dao-ist wisdom.  When I'd go on one of these rants at the dinner table, he would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "eat your dinner."  At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up.  He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested.  Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly good enjoy the meal instead.

Yes, the past happened, and we're all stuck with it.  But projecting it on others around you, who are actively engaged in the present moment, as you should be, does precious little to help things.  If you still have such an axe to grind, get a journal and write it out.  Or better yet, join "The Experience Project," or similar anonymous websites, and pour your heart out in a safe and comfortable environment.  Schedule permitting, go for a run (like me), lift some weights at the gym, or hit the heavy bag for a while.  If it's stuck in your system, then repair your own plumbing and remove it!

And once you're in that calm, chill, runner's high/euphoria state of mind, find a way to let it go.  It's not affecting you consciously, it's not costing you money, and it's not your obligation to seek revenge against them.  "Vengeance is Mine," saith the L-D . . .  because He's A LOT BETTER AT IT THAN YOU, and it doesn't make Him a nervous wreck to make it happen!  If what the gangsters or boneheads did to you them was as harmful and as treacherous as you feel it is, then good news -- they will, REPEAT WILL, get their well-deserved punishment when He thinks it's time, not when you do!!! 

And what if you're angry at someone right now, whom you know very well? Not so easy to let things go, but easier to change the game you're playing.  Get away from them for a while, do what I said in terms of getting it out of your system, and then deal with it calmly, the way my father reminded me to "eat my dinner."  Without being confrontational, explain what it is that made you angry, and ask for something better.  Chances are the other party may take advantage of your peaceful approach and start taking swipes and swings at you.  Don't fall for it!  They want to piss you off again, that's how they win!  Stand firm, and explain that what they did or said was wrong to you, and that they will need to cease and desist.

(2) Anger Towards Yourself.

This is even worse.  I can think of no better way to have a miserable life than to blame yourself for everything that happens, to continuously tell yourself that you're stupid and you just don't get it, and that you'll never be any good.  I don't care if you're in jail or if you're behind on child support, NONE of that is TRUE!  People can wag their tongues and diss you as much as they like, and you can just disregard it.  But if YOU do it, you're pushing yourself off a bridge.  You are the ONE person in the world who can NEVER talk trash about you!

Did you screw up?  Make a mistake?  Forget something?  Lose something?  Handle it this way:

Detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and research it as if it's data in an encyclopedia.  Look over the facts and ask some questions:  What did you do that could have been done better?  What mistakes did you make?  What flaws did you expose?  Once you've answered them, then without giving yourself the V-8 forehead slap (because you just detached yourself from your feelings), reprogram yourself to NOT make those same mistakes AGAIN!  Of course, that's not a guarantee that it will never happen again, but at least it will reduce the likelihood of reoccurrences. 

If you can see what you've done wrong, and the aggrieved party is still open to discussion, apologize for it.  Don't prostrate yourself on the floor, don't take a razor blade to your wrists, and don't flagellate yourself with a cilice -- the aggrieved party will either start disliking you even more, or start taking pleasure in the pain you're causing yourself.  Just admit you're wrong, apologize, and move on.  If they other person is mature enough, they'll accept your apology.  And if they can't, then screw them.  They're not royalty.  You can't do more than apologize, so if that's not enough, let them stew in their own anger and rage.

Whether you stay angry at others for too long, or you stay angry at yourself for more than a day, you're creating a situation of permanent victimhood.  Permanent victimhood means permanent childhood, because you'll never allow yourself to grow up if you stay angry.  Find a way to grow up and keep moving to the next stop on the route.

The Four Pillars remind us that we Exist, we Matter, we Belong, and we Deserve, but they don't state that we're perfect or that we're blameless.  They also don't say that the world is always evil and that we're always good.  They say that we are unique as individuals and that we have a right to be in this world, and to receive the respect that comes with being here.  Want to get that respect?  Control the anger and dispose of it when it is no longer nececessary.  Take responsibility for your wrongs, and move on.

And since it's almost 7PM on Sunday night, take my Dad's advice -- and eat your dinner!  :)

PS --- in the past couple of days, I've sent a few text messages that didn't quite sound as cute as I thought they did.  Internet/texting etiquette tells us that when someone responds to your message with the word "Nice," it doesn't mean "That was a nice thing to say, thank you," it means "I'll take that as a diss, you jerk."  So to those people I offended, I apologize.  I obviously didn't think clearly enough before I sent those messages, and I won't do that again.

THERE!  Moving on . . . .