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Sunday, November 25, 2018

Impossible?

Hey All - Hope you're having an easy Sunday afternoon.  Now that we're almost done with Thanksgiving weekend, it feels like we're just about ready to return to work.

But first, let me address a challenge that I'm about to undertake - a quest for an answer to a problem that some say cannot be resolved.

"WE WILL NEVER GET RID OF BULLYING.  TEACH YOUR KIDS TO FIGHT AND STOP RAISING A GENERATION OF VICTIMS"  I respectfully disagree.

Every time I see that meme, I cringe.  The idea that the bullying is a permanent part of human behavior, and that every kid should be taught how to fight - which is exactly what the bullies have been doing - is completely unacceptable to me.  As a species, we have evolved from our old hunter-gatherer roles and completed at least one metamorphosis in how we govern ourselves and the world around us.  Or as I like to say, we don't live in the Stone Age, the Middle Ages, or the Old West anymore.  Accordingly, with very few exceptions, we live in a civilized society with laws.  The notion of "might makes right" is outdated and unacceptable.  Accordingly, I firmly believe that the act of bullying, in and of itself, can be contained, controlled, and hopefully eliminated entirely.

There are those who think that stopping bullying is completely and entirely the responsibility of the ones being bullied.  They're right, but they're also wrong.

They're Right:

(1)  We have the power to disable our triggers and willfully control our emotions.  This is how we can stop becoming offended, triggered, or reactionary to what they do or say.
(2)  When we demonstrate that we are unflappable in the face of slings and taunts, the bully often finds another more receptive - and recessive - target.
(3)  When we release ourselves from grudges, resentment, and outdated behavior patterns, we advance to the Point of Evaporation and achieve Emotional Maturity.

THAT'S NOT THE END OF THE STORY, HOWEVER.

We can teach members of other races to not be triggered or offended by racism.  But that doesn't make racism okay.
We can teach women to ignore catcalls, harassment, and ungentlemanly behavior.  But that doesn't make such conduct legitimate.
We can perform every form of personal responsibility needed to prevent theft, burglary, or assault.  NONE OF THAT DE-CRIMINALIZES THOSE OFFENSES.

They're Wrong:

(1)  Bullying behavior does not magically become legitimate because people don't get angry about it and become de-triggered.
(2)  The fact that it continues to remain unacceptable is not weakness on the part of the rest of society - it is a mark of strength to reject behavior that should not exist past middle school, if at all.
(3)  If bullying victims have to step up their game, shore up their weaknesses, and work on themselves to avoid being hurt, then bullies have a contingent responsibility to control, restrain, and outgrow their unnecessary aggression. 

This is a Two-Way Street.  Apparently our opponents would rather make it a one-way street, and then argue that any expectation that bullies have a shared responsibility with their victims to eliminate the conduct is "not real" or "pie in the sky" or "garbage."

There is a plethora of programs that teach kids how to repel bullying without even an ounce of violence.  There is no reason why there should not be just as many programs that teach those who do bully to take the same exact responsibility for their behavior as well.

Cynicism and criticism will not be seen as roadblocks to this challenge, but rather stepping stones.  Those opponents insist that we not demonize bullies (or as I sometimes call them, alpholes)?  Great.  Let's use the "good in all people" that they supposedly have to outweigh the evil within them that won't let them stop treating others like trash.

I EXIST.                                                            RESPECT ALL.
I MATTER.                                                       BEFRIEND FEW.
I BELONG.                                                       LOVE ONE.
I DESERVE.                                                     HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US.                              FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.


Monday, November 19, 2018

The Head of The Table

Howdy All.  Got a reallllly short week ahead, and everyone's favorite American holiday follows!

People often joke about how Thanksgiving is one of those events where family gets together - and family often includes people you don't voluntarily associate with, but because it's family, most of us still do.

I've spent years promoting the concept of #bootem.  If people aren't good to you, or for you, family or not, it's perfectly OK to dismiss and release them from your realm.  However, many of us have relatives that do not accept the concept of #bootem, see nothing wrong with breaking bread with those who are less than bread-worthy, and honestly believe that whatever those others are doing is American as apple pie, and think we should believe likewise.

Accordingly, our boots might be deactivated for the next few days.

What To Do?

(1)  Respect All.  You may be giving them a low score, and rightfully so, but they're not chopped liver.  As alluded to above, there are always those who are more than willing to give them high scores, no matter how intolerable we find them.  Accordingly, the contempt and dislike we might feel for them is not welcome at that gathering, justified or not.

(2)  Shields Up.  Do not show annoyance, haughtiness, frustration, fear, or anger.  They'll smell it the way sharks can pick up on a nosebleed from miles away.  Stay straight-laced, unflappable, and just a little detached.  The desire for them to start trouble with you will already be reduced.

If they try to break through your veneer of coolness and calmness, keep it reinforced.  If they ask you questions that sound legitimate, keep your guard up - answer them like you're being questioned by opposing counsel at a deposition; keep your answers short, without extemporaneous statements, and with allowing them room to attack anything.  They'll get bored and stop.

If they're asking questions designed to provoke you, don't even answer them.  Get distracted, change them subject, even interrupt them (like they do - it'll scramble them), without making it look deliberate or otherwise leave the conversation.  Just DON'T get angry while doing it - we can't let them push our buttons.

(3)  Don't Get Too Comfortable If Unwarranted.

Some of us are hard-wired for the same pattern:  When asked a question, we get so excited that we're asked a question, so passionate about the stories we have to tell and the wins we've scored, and so happy that we can be part of the family, that we can't fathom the idea that some might be a lot less interested.  To point where they will interrupt you before you can get about five or six words out, steer the conversation away from you, and take it in a direction that had nothing to do with what you were trying to introduce.

Yes, that really is rude beyond belief.  Yes, it does make it even less welcoming than it already is.  And no, there's nothing we can do to change their patterns.

But we can still take note of our surroundings.  For those who just can't expand their attention spans long enough for us to hit that period at the end of the sentence, see above about deposition questions.  Honestly, the best way to deal with those who do this is to let them make the conversation a monologue, especially if they are older members of the family.  Maybe even nod in agreement, it'll make them feel like their job is done.  Their need to have their voice heard might be even greater than ours.

Also, consider whether or not we should really be getting so excited at this particular time and place.  Maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't.  We're not being interviewed on 60 Minutes about the latest developments at our job, we're not on our own YouTube channel sharing videos of our vacation, and we're not giving a press conference from the White House.  Our need to have our voice heard should be modified, and if need be lessened, in this venue.

That's doesn't mean we're nobody.  That doesn't make us worthless, and it doesn't mean that nobody cares what we have to say.  It just means that it's a group of people, a collective, and a tribe where sometimes others have the floor before we do.  And sometimes instead of us, period.  And if we aren't able to back out of attending these functions, we're simply going to have to accept that these are the roles we're expected to play for the limited time that we're there.  To put it a little more straightforward, it's not about us.

But once it's over, it will be again.  Let's give our time and attention to other people's lives, remain unflappable in the face of toxicity, and check our egos to the couch along with our coats to just get through it with a smile on our face once we finish.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.  BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT YET, AND IT'S NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO CONVINCE THEM.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Indifferent Detachment

Hey All - about to start a week's vacation, but not before sharing my newest thoughts with you all!

There's a new meme going around social media.  It asks the question, "Have You Ever Just Lost All Respect For Someone?  You Don't Hate Them, But You Have No Desire To Speak With Them?"

If you've lived, and conversed with people, the answer would have to be yes.  Even our more outgoing cousins, who are fraaaaaands with everyone, have seen this happen.

It's not really something to celebrate or advertise, because it's still stating that you have a low opinion of someone else.  And whether you like someone or you don't like someone, they must still be respected as another human being.  However, if it is necessary to remove someone from your life, it shouldn't really be shunned either.

Let's say you're a boss.  You want people who help run the business and make it even more successful than it already is.  But what if there are people doing the opposite?  People who show no respect for what's needed and don't care about their jobs?  If they do it badly enough, you need to let them go.

The phrase, "it's not personal, it's just business, often comes to mind."  You don't hate them as people, perhaps, but you can't have them working for you anymore.

The same approach is needed to those you choose to have in your social circles.  If they're not "doing their jobs" as Friends and Neighbors (family included), you need to let them go too.  Not the teeth-gnashing, finger pointing, high-conflict approach, of course - we're not animals - just letting them go from their position, simply and professionally.  Their services are no longer needed.

It doesn't have to be a Hollywood movie scene, either.  We're not characters, we're real people.

Once it's over, you don't keep re-hashing what they did do and what they didn't do that led to this firing.  That problem has already been resolved.  You wish them well on their way, and keep going on the path you've chosen without them.

And once they've reached that point, odds are better than likely that Our Mother has seen what they've done.  It's not our job to seek retribution, no matter how justified it might seem, it's Hers.  Trust in Her to attribute just the right consequences to their actions - Her job, period.

More than that, life is simply too short to think about those we don't love any more than necessary.  And it gets even shorter when we mimic their snark, their arrogance, and their b*tchiness.  So let's not, and trade those thoughts for those who do love us.

But youuuu-uuu're living in an echo chamber!  But youuuu-uuuuu're not getting reality without people "just being honest" with you!

That may very well be your truth.  Let's keep it that way.  We don't do high conflict in here.  Find somewhere else where that's welcome.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Sunday, June 17, 2018

A Repeat Performance for Father's Day

Good Evening All.  I don't usually post reruns, but I think what I posted last year for Fathers' Day says it all:

I know that I appreciate my dad immensely.  He'd be pretty humble about it, but much of what I post in the blog is an outgrowth of the life lessons he taught me.

But even more than my appreciation of him, is my appreciation of Him:  G-D the Father.

Now this isn't based on any religion in particular.  It's just an understanding that there is a supernatural being who has a completely rational expectation of us to recognize and fulfill our personal responsibilities.  Our Mother Lady Karma is the One who handles things we can't control, executes judgment against those who wrong us, and pardons us for our errors.  G-D the Father, however, has a very different role to play.

What He does is remind us of what we CAN control, and that we'd better handle it to the best of our abilities.  His message is, "I'm not going to do your job for you."  Should we get started and keep moving, He is very likely to provide assistance, and quite possibly rewards, along the way.  But if we don't work for it, He won't provide it.

Our Father G-D doesn't want us to give up trying after only a few attempts.  He wants us to get our hands dirty and fail again and again until there has to be some sort of success, great or small.  He wants us to rise above critics and nay-sayers, disable our triggers when they are not needed, and to be as disciplined as possible in our thoughts and actions.

He knows that we'll make mistakes.  Honestly, He expects them to happen.  And He also expects us to keep our emotional reactions to a minimum because they'll only get in the way.  Our Mother can kiss our skinned egos to make them better.  But Our Father wants us to heal them ourselves, because we can!

That doesn't mean He's mean or unforgiving.  If He were, He'd be convincing us all to jump off bridges and end it all.  Instead, He wants us to live, and live right.  He wants us to understand that every new day is another chance to get it right, and not to eternally punish ourselves for when we get it wrong.  He wants us to own The Four Pillars, and own them hard!



So, Friends & Neighbors, today I hope you told your fathers how much you appreciate them.  And every day going forward, I suggest we show appreciation to Our Father G-D by making ourselves even better.

DISCLAIMER:  The above message is not an endorsement or a rejection of any organized religion in existence.

RESPECT ALL

BEFRIEND FEW

LOVE ONE

HATE NONE.

I EXIST.

I MATTER.

I BELONG. 

I DESERVE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Sunday, June 3, 2018

Words That Hurt, Words That Heal

Hello All!  Hope you're having a nice relaxing summer Sunday!

Recently, we've seen two celebrities forget to think before they spoke.  One said something so heinous and disrespectful that she lost her job, but the other one appears to be facing significantly less severe consequences.

Roseanne Barr had a sitcom she starred in rebooted (and ret-conned so her husband did not die), and it became a real hit after only a few new episodes.  Aaaand then she tweeted a statement that seemed to indicate that a former Obama senior advisor, who happened to be African-American, was the illegitimate child of the Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes. 

Not smart.  And it led to job loss for a whole cast and crew that had nothing to do with what was said.  Hopefully the show will be repackaged somehow.

Mere days later, Samantha Bee became so incensed at Ivanka Trump's perceived failure to rein in the President, her father, that she used a word beginning with "C" and ending with "T," which has been universally thought of as the worst thing that a woman can be called.

Not smart.  But her job and her broadcasting segment have been left intact.

It remains to be seen why both instances do not warrant the same consequences.  I've already discussed this with a few other people to understand how the same actions mean different consequences for different people.  Despite the fact that the "C-word" was once considered to be as evil as the "N-word," there is a segment that now believes that it was completely legitimate for Bee to have used this word, most likely because it was used against a member of the President's family.

When we finally reach the Point of Evaporation, the need to use this type of hateful and divisive language will dissipate.  Our high-conflict friends and neighbors will find themselves without a stable of victims, and there will be a dearth of enablers and sycophants to encourage their behavior.  Until that happens, it seems to me that there would need to be the same or similar consequences for same or similar behavior.

"But look what youuuuuuu said!"  "But look what heeeeee said!"  "But look what sheeeeee said!"

NONE of that exonerates what weeeeeee said.  Let's try to own what we say a little more - and hopefully think before we speak so we won't have to next time - and spend less time finger-pointing at their side and making excuses for our side.

Caveat to our friends in Hollywood:  You are here to entertain us, and not to insult us.  You were not elected by anyone to govern us, and you did not receive fame and recognition because of your debating skills.  Please find ways to entertain us without finger-pointing and name-calling.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Sunday, May 27, 2018

A Better Now

Good Evening All.  Hope you're enjoying the middle frame of this three day weekend!

I've been doing a little research from other self-help resources.  A good friend of hours gave me a time-honored classic that I had not already read - "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

I don't know about you, but this book should be required reading!

Thing is though, he teaches the same lesson my father tried to teach me when I was a younger man.  I remember quite a few dinner table conversations where I'd have some kind of argument with my Mom or my sister (they were tough ones, you had to be there), and I'd get annoyed or angry during that argument, my Dad would always interject with a simple admonition:

David?  Eat your dinner.

What was trying to say, in plain-spoken every day English, was the same thing that wise men throughout the ages had said, from the Buddha all the way up to Tolle himself:  Focus on what's in front of you, right here and now.

For my Star Wars fans, Qui-Gon Jinn said the same thing in the Star Wars prequels:

Don't center on your anxieties, Obi-Wan.  Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.

One huge obstacle to achieving Emotional Maturity and the Point of Evaporation is that we rehash and post-mortem things that are in the past, and we worry and get scared over things that have yet to happen in the future.  We either stay in the past abusing ourselves for mistakes we made or cursing the memories of those who did us wrong, or we look away to something that has not happened yet, assuming it even will.  And when we do that, we are distracted, unfocused, and hopelessly triggered.

(1)  Past bothering you?  Place it in your reference library and keep it there.

(2)  Future worrying you?  Prep for it.

(3)  Anything happening right in front of you?  No?  Why not?

The best way to leave the past behind, and to patiently wait until the future becomes the present, is to get a better now.

Either get busy doing something now, or meditating when unoccupied.  And if you feel yourself going back to memories of what happened - be it recent or distant - or anxiety and fear about what will or won't happen, pull yourself back to now.  And if now is boring, unboring it!

Moreover, the past and the future is the province of Our Mother Lady Karma.  She knows that the past and future are beyond our control, so She handles it.  It is She who decides whether the past hurts us or helps us, and it is She who delivers what we will face in the future.  Transmit your guilt and fear to Her, we don't need it!

The present, on the other hand, is the province of Our Father . . . and by extension, US!  The present is when we do what I always tell my Islanders to do . . . Make Something Happen!  Or nothing, if need be - but make that happen anyway!!!!

It's also the time where we take stock of our thoughts and feelings and own them hard.  Nothing that happened in the past or might happen in the future should have that much effect on what we feel, think, and do right now.

I hope anyone out there beating themselves up or worrying themselves sick can take this advice to heart.  Just . . . eat your dinner.  Thanks Dad!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

A Lady Named Karma

Hey All - Hope you had a good weekend!

Big news this week, a story that made me feel sad on a few levels:  The conviction of Bill Cosby. 

Like many of us, I have wonderful childhood memories of Bill Cosby:  In the early 80's, I remember my father and I bonded over the movie "Bill Cosby Himself," filmed live in Toronto.  A performance that included the Chocolate Cake For Breakfast, and other stories of his children.  My dad would often repeat, "Cosby is right - children are brain damaged!" 

Watching the Cosby Show in the 80's and 90's was required viewing on Must-See-TV Thursday nights!  Just about everything that happened on that show, you could relate to your own family.

Fast-forward to this decade.  The question of how so many people could simply sit on accusations for years, or even decades, and now seek to portray Cosby as some sort of perverted demon is simply not clear. 

However, his prosecution for crimes against Andrea Constand is different.  Those accusations were  reported soon after they occurred, but since she was suing him for millions, the Montgomery County DA declined to prosecute charges at the time.  However, since there had never been a written agreement not to prosecute, the current DA decided to actually file the charge mere weeks before the 12-year statute of limitations expired.  So the accuser didn't actually sit on it for years, but actions taken on it were somewhat held in abeyance.

Now that it's over, and he actually has been convicted of crimes committed against one victim, it's an honest tragedy.  The notion of him doing these things behind the scenes is terrible.  More than anything, I would like to think that the jury got it wrong, and that his attorneys will be successful on appeal.

However, the jury may have gotten it right.  If they did, then it validates everything I have said about Our Mother Lady Karma.  She doesn't need a vote of confidence before executing judgment.

A jury of Cosby's peers found that he took advantage of Ms. Constand in a particularly hideous way.  He also happened to have done so while married to a a permissive and enabling wife.  When this is done for long enough without remorse or regret, it comes within Our Mother's jurisdiction.  There is such a thing as natural justice, and it appears that we've seen it happen.

Bill Cosby is the last person I'd ever call an alphole.  Apparently he was one.  That's why they called in The Big Girl.

Farewell, Dr. Huxtable.  You will still be remembered for your talent and your charitable deeds.  But you must be remembered for this too.  We can only imagine that other predators like yourself will take heed of the consequences that await those who violate others' bodily integrity so that this issue will reach the Point of Evaporation.  Until then, we'll have to settle for a slow boil.

THERE'S A LADY NAMED KARMA.  SHE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS AND SHE'S NOT FRIENDS WITH MEAN GIRLS.  SHE MONOPOLIZES REVENGE AND RETRIBUTION BECAUSE SHE HAS BETTER TOOLS AT HER DISPOSAL THAN WE DO.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.


Sunday, April 22, 2018

Revenge Evaporates

Hey All.  Looks like spring is finally here!

This is kind of an old-hat topic, but I felt the need to return to it.

Demonization Is Death.

Part of the reason we stay so angry at those who wronged us is that it's so easy.  It takes no skill at all to just get angry.  That's why children are always doing it and need to be taught how to stop.

This world we live in has become more and more contentious by the day.  Physical confrontations are started and manipulated to go viral.  Debates escalate into full-out war just because someone doesn't like someone else's FB post.  And divorces are less about an orderly termination of a marriage and far more about making the other former spouse's life as difficult as possible.

The reason for this is because we stop trying to understand the ways of our opponents and we instead see them as less than human, undeserving of respect, and something to be destroyed with as much pain as possible.  This is a mistake of the highest order.

This way of thinking enables the narcissists, abusers, and manipulators to do even more of what they do.  It justifies their high-conflict personalities, and encourages them to be aggressive where no aggression is needed.  It also keeps us stuck forever blaming, pointing, and self-victimizing.

How To Stop?

(1)  The Fact That It's Their Fault Does Not Give Us a Lifetime Free Pass.

Being someone else's victim does not make us flawless, does not exonerate us from all of our own wrongdoing, or render us immune to our own responsibility.  Contrary to popular opinion, it does not place us onto a pedestal from which we can continue judging, ad infinitum and ad nauseum, or to hurt others with immunity and impunity.

(2) We Cannot Spend A Lifetime Blaming Someone Else For How We Are.

The way to deal with our opponents is by either (a) removing them; or (b) refusing to allow them to trigger us.  Not by attributing all of our misfortune and shortcomings to them.  Yes, they still are alpholes and narcissists, let's be honest.  But what they are is far less important than what we are.  Whatever they may have done or said is not an excuse for us being filled with bitterness and resentment, no matter what the enablers and sycophants might suggest.

(3) Reach The Point Of Evaporation.

As I've said in my last post, when speaking about Tony Robbins and #MeToo, most modern-day problems and grievances eventually reach a Point of Evaporation.  Racism, sexism, rape culture, and other types of hatred do still exist, but they're shadows of their former selves.  It is only a matter of time before the Point of Evaporation is reached there - and at that point, the backlash that you may think is deserved against those perpetrators is no longer necessary.  It has evaporated into thin air.  So let our hate and anger do likewise.

To reach Emotional Maturity, resentment and grudges must be contained, controlled, and where possible, eliminated forever.  It doesn't mean that they weren't wrong, and it doesn't mean that we didn't get wronged.  But it does mean that we are not ruled by hate and anger at someone else's actions, and we are instead taking responsibility for our lives.

It's not our place to seek revenge, and it's not our obligation to remain in a state of war against people we don't like.  We are not avenging angels, and it's not up to us to interfere with the judgment that will be executed against them.  I've been giving Her a little bit of a break lately, but say it with me . . .

THERE'S A LADY NAMED KARMA.  SHE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS AND SHE'S NOT FRIENDS WITH MEAN GIRLS.  SHE SOLELY DOMINATES THE FIELD OF VENGEANCE BECAUSE SHE HAS MUCH BETTER TOOLS AT HER DISPOSAL THAN WE DO.

Let's let it evaporate, and kiss it on up to Our Mother.  She'll handle it for us.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

FROM HERE TO THE POINT OF EVAPORATION.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

Beyond Our Control

Good Evening All - hope we're all enjoying the spring weather.

Yes, there was a tone of sarcasm, in case you missed it!

This weekend, we are faced with two things that can make our lives pleasant or unpleasant, that we have absolutely no control over.

Taxes.

It's not something anyone truly enjoys, but as American citizens, we are obligated to provide a percentage of our income to our federal government, as administered by the Internal Revenue Service.  Anywhere from approximately 25% to 40% of our income, one way or another, must be given to the government, and sometimes more is given to states and local municipalities.  Some call it the social contract, some call it a form of socialism.  But it's still there, and we face untold penalties and consequences if we refuse to do so.

And once that money is provided to the government, as required, we have very little say as to what it's used to accomplish.  And honestly, they don't always do the job we hope they would.  That's why my father always taught us, "If you owe taxes, don't pay them before April 1st.  They don't deserve your money earlier than that." 

Most of us get refunds, where our employers take more taxes out of our paychecks than the government actually requires, and they are required to return the difference.  Many call this the return of an "interest-free loan."  Still a nice little bump that helps pay a few bills, etc.

As unfair as it often is - the prospect of having a government take money from us, under threat of civil and criminal penalties, knowing full well that we have no recourse against that government using our money in ways we don't like - it's something we have no control over.  It's not a cause celebre that anyone can take up and expect to be taken seriously.  Like it or lump it, unless and until someone completely dismantles and reorganizes the IRS, and rewrites the tax code, we've all gotta pay.  End of story.

Weather.

It's out of control.  We've had all four seasons in one week.  Sometimes in one day.  A winter that has not yet ended.  Well, this might be normal by upstate New York/New England/Minnesota standards, but certainly not be Northeast/Mid-Atlantic standards!

We can't demand sunshine all the time, and we can't manipulate meteorology.  But we can prepare and dress based on what we believe will most likely happen.

So let's save our energy for those many issues that we actually can do something about.  These two are not among them.  Kiss 'em up to Our Mother Lady Karma instead.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Sunday, April 8, 2018

Backlash

Hey All!  Just came back from a little trip, now learning that just because the calendar says it's spring, the weather doesn't have to cooperate.

In the last few days, Tony Robbins, a giant in the self-help industry, has faced a torrent of criticism when he criticized the #MeToo movement.  He stated that those who are part of this movement are encouraging women to play the victim role, to refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, and to destroy other people to make themselves feel good about themselves.  Whether he thought this through completely before he made this statement is not clear.  What is clear is that the reaction to his statement is loud and angry.

Was he right or wrong?  Or are those reacting?  Let's review:

(1) Women are just as human as men - flesh and blood, heart and soul, thoughts and dreams.  Unfortunately, our species has celebrated male dominance and control for millennia, and only came to accept women as equals within the past century.

(2) Because of this, the notion that men can demand any type of physical contact, from playful slaps to full on intercourse, whenever they chose, so long as they were the strongest and most virile around, just like all other species in the animal kingdom, was hard-wired in our consciousness.  The notion that women are somehow empowered to reject this conduct is a comparatively recent one, and one that has not yet transformed how both genders interact.

(3) Gradually, women were accepted as equals, at least legally.  They now occupy every single profession that was once solely occupied by men.  Whether or not they truly earn less than men for the same work remains a subject of debate that will not be addressed further here.

(4) In terms of criminal law, prosecution of rape and sexual offenses has been transformed to the extent where the victim is believed, with or without proof beyond a reasonable doubt, and the accused, once found guilty, pays with the complete destruction of his life.  Earlier, nearly all accusers were viewed with skepticism and thought to have been untruthful, but now the pendulum has swung completely the other way.

(5) Upon exposure of men who had taken unwanted liberties with women, the MeToo movement was spawned.  Those with long and tarnished histories of making unwanted sexual advances were taken out in the public square and faced loss of their livelihoods, and possibly their freedom.

To The Extent That The #MeToo Movement Is Culturally Transforming How Men Are Expected to Treat Women, it is Valid, Right, and Good.

Now let's try a twist:

(1) That same dominance and control that men were celebrated for has also been asserted against men who were not as strong, smart, or aggressive as others.  For that reason, those "lesser men" have been referred to by the more aggressive men by a variety of misogynistic references, which will not be repeated here.

(2) They have also been faced with the same type of aggressive stance that women have faced, although the nature of that stance has been more violent than sexual in nature.

(3) While the anti-bullying movement, in the academic and workplace setting, is actually a more recent concept than that of feminism, it faces even more criticism and rejection than movements like #MeToo.  While women-supporting advocates remind us that women do not share responsibility for the abuse they suffer or the attacks visited on them by men who don't respect boundaries, men and boys who face bullying are not granted such courtesy.

(4) Speaking from personal experience, I have heard the same people who are die-hard #MeToo supporters, who demand consequences for instances of sexual abuse and credibility for women who suffer them, nevertheless dismiss and reject allegations of bullying with suggestions that the victims of that societal ill "ask for it" and "bring it on themselves," and need to "man up."

(5) Bullying is concededly less severe than sexual abuse or assault, but the victims of both acts of wrongdoing are left with the same exact feelings:

  (A) It's my fault that this was done to me;
  (B) Nobody will take me seriously;
  (C) If I speak out about it, I'll be considered weak and/or deserving of it; and
  (D) They'll just get away with it again anyway.

Accordingly, We Face An Inconsistency.

 The reason why Tony Robbins has a real problem right now is that the notion that women are at fault for being sexually assaulted, are playing the role of victim in order to gain sympathy, and want to tear people down with accusations to feel better about life is simply no longer acceptable in our society.  The thought that it's always their fault, while once universally thought, no longer works because society has accepted women as equal to men - a concept that is incongruous with our ancient hard-wiring - and does not seek to grant men free reign over women's bodies or minds.

HOWEVER, when boys are bullied in school, and men are bullied at work, society most certainly still does feel that way.  Male victims of bullying are constantly told that the reason they are bullied is their fault, that playing the victim keeps them from growing, and that they need to "get over it," thereby letting the bully enjoy a no-consequences existence.  Internet memes suggest that "teach kids to fight" is the only answer to bullying, despite the fact that this is the very reason why bullying continues.  Also, when the abuser is a female and the victim is a male, the male is considered not only deserving, but also ridiculously weak, because a woman would supposedly never do that to a so-called "real man," despite the reverse often being true.

Can This Be Reconciled?  YES to both.

(A)  The #MeToo movement needs its recognition for many reasons.  With enough time and attention, the desire to ever subject a woman to unwanted advances or disrespect will most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(B) Once the point of evaporation is reached, then the anger and backlash against men must stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at men who have acted respectfully, but still have opposing perspectives, is no longer necessary or acceptable.

(C)  Likewise with the anti-bullying movement needs just as much recognition.  As stated above, enough time and attention should also be given, rather than dismissing one group of victims as heroes and another as cowards.  Eventually, the desire to ever victimize anyone else, regardless of race/gender/etc., will also most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(D) Once the point of evaporation is reached, any resulting anger and backlash against former bullies must also stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at former bullies who have reformed is no longer necessary or acceptable.

For the sake of clarification, we do not minimize the mistreatment of women, or suggest it is a less worthy cause than the response and elimination of bullying.  Rather, we seek to draw a parallel and an equivalent solution.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Saturday, March 10, 2018

Stoneman-Douglas - The New Columbine

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

It's becoming old news pretty fast, but I needed to say something about this latest school shooting.

For the last several weeks, as the country has moved on from the school shooting in Lakeland, Florida, we've had a lot of issues come up on the news.  Second Amendment vs. Gun Control.  Better mental health care.  Whose fault it was.  Whose fault it wasn't.  And we've seen this great group of kids from that high school - the Most Likely To Succeed types - take center stage and challenge Washington and Tallahassee to do better jobs.

But I've seen a different issue and started running with it, because I think it comes before the others:

Did anyone ever just say hi to this kid?

Did Emma Gonzalez ever ask Nikolas Cruz if he was having a bad day?  Did she ever sit with him at lunch?

Did David Hogg ever invite him to play at recess?  Did he ever contact the school psychologist out of concern that Nikolas was in a bad way?

These are straight, unloaded questions.  I'm not suggesting that these students did anything wrong.  Instead, I'm asking if they had ever tried to show Nikolas that he wasn't really alone.

They can persist in finding fault with the NRA and the Broward County Sheriff's office.  Whenever something goes wrong, it's perfectly natural to demand to know who was responsible.  But it might also be enlightening to review the choices we've made ourselves.

Nobody has said whether or not Nikolas Cruz was bullied.  From the sound of it, he might have been a real terror if he was barred from wearing a backpack on campus, and then expelled.  That might have made the thought of speaking to him daunting - kind of like Kevin speaking to that weird old man in "Home Alone" - but if he had know that someone was at least willing to treat him like a human being, he might not have been so willing to destroy other human beings.

Yes, there is the possibility that someone tried this and it didn't work.  Maybe Cruz might have thought people approaching him were phony and fake, or looking to manipulate him.  Kids can be pretty good at that.  But if nobody enlightens us on that, we'll never know.

And, of course, I'm not saying that anyone should have pretended to be his friend when there was no friendship.  Friendship is a precious thing that should only be granted to a select few.  Respect, however, is to be evenly distributed to all.

With all of these issues that have propped up, I hope the youth of today and tomorrow will consider these events in their future dealings with their troubled peers.  It's for damn sure that throwing shade, bullying, snarking, and dissing isn't helping anyoneAnd this blaming and shaming in the media in't much better.

RESPECT ALL

BEFRIEND FEW

LOVE ONE

HATE NONE


I EXIST.

I MATTER.

I BELONG.

I DESERVE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

runninglaw@gmail.com

Sunday, February 18, 2018

No Fair?

Hey All - Enjoying your Sunday?

One major obstacles we encounter in our quest to reach Emotional Maturity is our sense of fairness and equity, and how the rest of the world sometimes doesn't operate with it.  In school and work, we've witnessed favoritism, nepotism, and miscarriages of justice.

It can sting and burn us when our hard work is disregarded and dismissed, and someone who worked less hard gets more respect.  It can sting and burn worse when we are compelled to operate within rules and restrictions that don't seem to apply to others.

It can sting and burn even worse when what we want to say - what we are passionate about and feel to the core of our being - gets interrupted, ridiculed, and rendered meaningless by people who are not concerned about our feelings.

Some people will tell you to "get over it."  That's code for, "I don't care - shut up."  So I won't say that.

Others will deflect to focus the issue on your faults, and tell you that you deserved it so they can get away with it.  I won't say that either.

SECRETS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW:  There are subjects they care about just as deeply as you care about yours.  However, their ego tells them that their issues matter and yours don't, because they're better than you.  Try to re-evaluate your need to associate with anyone who does this.

Here's what I will say instead:

(1) Evaluate What's More Important - Your Message, Or Your Audience.

It's ok to acknowledge that it hurts when that rejection comes at you.  But you've also got to consider the right time, place, and audience to receive your message.  For example, if you're a Yankee fan, there's no reason for you to talk big and bad about how great your team is in a room full of Mets fans.  Your passion for the Yankees may be heartfelt and sincere, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to bring it up in front of them, knowing full well that they are only too ready to say that your team is less than wonderful.

Aim it where it counts.  And pick a better audience to receive it too - just because they don't like it doesn't mean they're right.

(2) Don't Make It Life Or Death.

Find yourself stuck with people who like to interrupt?  Hopefully it's because you didn't miss an opportunity to un-stuck yourself.  But if you can't get out of it, please accept the fact that no part of this conversation will be about you unless they feel a reason to criticize you, or "only be honest."  Your strengths and accomplishments simply have no value here, like currency from other countries.

Don't fall into the trap of starting a whole big topic that you feel is super-amazing-wonderful in the presence of people who you already know do not.  That's just as bad as Charlie Brown running to kick the football Lucy is holding for him, knowing full well that she's always going to pull it away.

Understand:  It's not that it's "not all about you."  It's never going to be about you, and it's always going to be about them.  Let them have it, they obviously need it more than we do.  And if you're able to do so, reduce or eliminate your interactions with them.

If you must speak to them at all, use sentences of five words or less.  By the time they try to interrupt you, you'll have already finished speaking.

(3) Don't Be A Sidekick.

People don't like these labels:  Narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator, psychopath, egomaniac.  We are not psychiatrists, and cannot make these diagnoses.  We can, however, decide for ourselves whether people who behave like this should or should not be in our lives.

If you find yourself always in the presence of someone who seems to interrupt everything you say, correct every single thing you say that isn't perfect, and finish your sentence for you when it is, you have a real problem.  Much of the problem is whoever is acting this way - it's not acceptable.  But it's also you - you welcome this behavior and allow it to continue.  When you allow yourself to live under someone else's thumb and someone else's rules at all time - with the obvious exception of the military - you are losing.  Leave them - please.

(4) Accept That Others Make Rules That Are Beyond Our Control.

This includes the relationships other people have with each other that might impact on us inequitably.  Bosses who fawn all over people with less qualifications and work ethic than we have, but treat us unfavorably.  So-called friends who go out of their way to also be friends with people we're not happy with, or automatically turn on you in front of crowds to make themselves look good.  And, for the singles out there, those who are not attracted to you, no matter how good to them you might have been.

Getting furious at these kangaroo-court rulings, hating those arbitrary and capricious decision makers, and holding permanent grudges against anyone who says no to you are sure-fire ways to keep yourself in arrested development.  Acknowledging so much unfairness of things, however, with the wisdom to know when to speak out, and when not to, is a way to rise above it.

That boss would rather listen to their favorite than to you?  Maybe that's their mistake, and they'll learn it the hard way.  They're friends with that one?  Let them be even better friends with that one by taking away their second choice.  And someone else just isn't into you?  Stop being into them - they clearly don't deserve that much adulation.

TAKEAWAY:  The rest of the world will not always do the right thing by us.  They will treat us unfairly, address us disrespectfully, and sometimes try to shoot down and disparage everything that we think is important, because they have a mouth and nobody taught them when to close it.  We cannot always "get back" at them, get them in trouble, or hurt them just because they do things we don't like.  We most certainly can, however, address them without becoming angry or triggered. 

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Hate None - Return of The Alpholes

Hey All - Hope you're having a relaxing Sunday Night!

As long as I've been writing, I've pointed out that there are people who aren't good to us, don't care about us, and somehow manage to get away with everything they've ever done wrong.  I've demanded that they be eliminated from our interactions, I've exposed their wrongdoings, and I've branded them with a label that they never liked very much.

For the uninformed, I called them alpholes.

Having always had a low opinion for those who were aggressive when they shouldn't have been, dominating and controlling when a leader or boss was not needed, and just way too full of themselves, I needed a name for them.  I combined the term "alpha males" with "assholes," and it was a perfect fit.  Having been on the mend from a terminated relationship, and feeling somewhat resentful, it was just the right message at just the right time.

However, the need to keep using that term, over time, has proven unnecessary and unprofitable.

The circumstances that I was in when I started using that term changed, immeasurably for the better.  That terminated relationship has faded into the background, and was replaced with one that is a thousand times better.  I also discovered, little by little, that those who were not being good to me or for me were not owed a lifetime of continued and begrudging association, so I stopped.  Last but not least, I understood that I didn't have to think about how angry I was at something from the past, I didn't have to be stuck with a constant reminder of it, and I didn't have to trap myself in a cycle of hate, grudges and finger-pointing. 

I didn't have to keep thinking about how unfair their judgments seemed to be, because I could just make my own.

When I kept pointing out other people's faults, it honestly didn't make me happy.  It made me feel miserable.  There was simply no glory to be found in bashing and crashing, no matter how badly those alpholes deserved it.

Also, I tapped into a little bit of Dr. Isaiah Hankel's words:  To paraphrase, he discusses how fruitless and unprofitable it is to demand that someone else confess or admit their wrongdoing - it won't happen, because nobody thinks they're the bad guy in their own stories.  The most you'll get out of that affair is a one-minute half-assed apology, an hour's lecture about how you deserved it because of what you did, you're not perfect either, and how they're better/smarter/whatever than you anyway, and a lifetime of resentment. 

I very rarely call them alpholes anymore, but that's only because it's my own choice to not stir up my own negative feelings.  They still exist, trust me.  I've simply learned, the hard way, that they're going to be alpholes no matter what we do or say, because they honestly believe there's nothing in the world wrong with what they're doing.  Demanding that they grow halos and wings in response to our objections to their personalities doesn't work.  We can either accept them for what they are, which is tolerance and respect, or we can reject them for what they are, which is boundaries and self-respect.  

(1) Cursing them for not behaving or thinking the way we want them to is not the answerRemoving and Replacing them, if they're unacceptable, is.

(2) Telling everyone else you know how terrible they are is not the answerEliminating them as a topic of conversation, is.

(3) Stripping away all of their humanity because of what you find intolerable, is not the answerDeciding what you will tolerate and what you won't, is.

This is our reality.  The problem is not the fact that they are alpholes and do alpholish things.  The problem is us getting so busy throwing shade at them that we forget that we can simply remove them with no malice aforethought.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Containment and Control

Happy Sunday, All.  Hope you're dressing in multiple layers!

What holds us back from achieving emotional maturity is negative thinking.  Anger at someone else, fear about what might happen, regret/self-punishment over what did happen, and grudges against others.

Are these feelings valid?  Yes.  There are people in this world who aren't good to us or for us, and we might not have the luxury of simply getting rid of them.  There are unknown events waiting for us around the bend that we're not confident about, and there are mistakes that we've made that haunt us.  That's all real.

But it's not all of reality.  Not by a long shot.

Someone else can back me up with the scientific data, but it seems that negative thoughts and attitudes have a much stronger pull on people that positive, happy, peaceful and sedate thoughts do.  That's why we see so many fights and arguments on social media.  This also why some people, even after they reach middle age, somehow find themselves involved in juvenile drama and conflict.  Moreover, it's why some people can't move forward and deal with the here-and-now - they're playing a non-stop rerun marathon of everything that they remember badly, over and over again.

(1) Recognition:

There are reasons why we have these negative thoughts, and they're mostly valid, as set forth above.  We need to recognize when these thoughts are popping up before we address them.

(2) Limitation:

Excuse the analogy, but let's consider our bladder and bowel functions.  When we are newborns, we just "let 'em rip," whenever and wherever we feel like.  However, the first lesson our parents teach us is to handle these functions in one place, and one place only.  Once we learn that, we eventually learn how to exercise a fair amount of control over the timing of these functions so that we can use them in this one particular place in a way that we can dispose of the results without subjecting anyone else to the sight, sound, or texture of them. 

And, oh yeah . . . when we're finished with that business, we flush it away so nobody else, with all due respect to the plumbing industry, has to deal with it.

Believe it or not, we can do the same thing with our thoughts.  We can limit the time, place, and circumstances of when we have them.  And when we're done, we can flush them away, light a match or candle, and walk away relieved.

No, I don't mean not preparing yourself for a task you have to perform tomorrow or next week.  Prepare, by all means, but if the toilet analogy doesn't feel right, then just close the file on it once you've finished your preparation.  Either way, once you've done your business, please remove yourself from the toilet.  Waiting in the bathroom all day for your biological cycle to repeat would not make sense, because you'd miss everything else.  Don't do it mentally, either.

(3) Disposal:

Can you control what it is you're thinking about?  Get to it sooner rather than later.  If possible, do it now and be finished with it!  If you can't do it now, write a note for yourself to do it later.  Place it on your to-do list with a reminder on a certain date and and time.  That way you won't have to worry about forgetting it.

Can't control it?  Then stop thinking about it, period.  That doesn't mean never think about it.  It means think about it, and then stop thinking about it.  Those thoughts don't get to rule your life, you do.

And as I've said before, sometimes that means getting rid of people who trigger those thoughts.  If you can't do that, you can still remain unflappable in in their presence, and refuse to allow them to poison your mind or trip your triggers.  But still, removing them is the best option.

WE DO NOT LIVE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.  We are not trapped in a cycle of hate and fear.  We are also not trapped with those who try to manipulate us into feeling hate and fear, and them blame us for feeling them.  We decide what to think and what not to think, and we also decide whom is permitted to influence our thoughts.

But what about different perspectives?  But what about learning something?  OK.  We'll consider the source first.  We don't judge books by covers, but after we've read them, we can, and must, decide what we think of it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.