A New Spirituality

 Happy Saturday, All.

Once again, a little introspection and soul-searching:

(1)  In the past, I had trouble understanding the way people were.  It seemed that no matter where I was, there were always rules that I had to follow, and it was inevitable that I would receive consequences for the slightest infraction.  And it also seemed inevitable that very few others were subject to those rules, or exposed to those consequences.  It didn't make sense.

(2)  Now, I understand the Rating System.  In every group dynamic, people are naturally assigned ratings based on their perceived strengths and weaknesses.  Some call this a "pecking order," but I think that people are more enlightened than poultry.  The point is that when you have a lower rating, more rules get imposed on you and less respect is provided to you.  And when you have a higher rating, you are exempt from many of the group's rules, and the respect provided on you borders on a lifetime free pass.

(3) It is fashionable these days to "advocate" for victims.  This means seeking out to those who might have once had lower ratings, for one or more reasons that were unjust, and demanding that they be provided with higher ratings.  Not because they have earned them, and not to "even the playing field," but because they actually seek to bring down, depose, and defeat those who have the higher ratings.

(4) On an emotional level, this can feel quite valid.  After all, people with higher ratings tend to be rude and conceited, and are often spoiled by their seemingly privileged stations in life.  To someone who is at a lower level, this can seem very obnoxious and antagonizing, and it's very easy to grow resentment and sometimes hatred as a result.

(5) From a logical and rational level, however, this can seem like an inevitable part of life, which it actually is.  Yes, people do get more spoiled and full-of-themselves than they should be.  However, getting angry at them and seeking to hurt them, or worse, is not the answer, no matter how much it feels like it is.

(6) What is the answer for those with lower ratings?  There are actually several.  

    (A) If attaining a higher rating is not possible where you are, get yourself to a new location where the possibility of advancement actually does exist.  

    (B) If it is possible, then work hard.  Harder than anyone else there, until they have no choice but to give you a higher rating.

    (C) Start caring less about their opinion of you, and start caring more about your opinion of you, and of them.  External validation should mean much less than it does.

(7)  At some point, you should develop enough self-respect to persevere in spite of such low ratings.  For younger folks, this would mean getting past bullying, not reacting to being yelled at, and not demanding that those who insult or reject you apologize for their shoddy behavior.

(8)  Recognize that there is a Lady Named Karma.  She's Not Attracted to Bad Boys and She's Not Friends With Mean Girls.  If those who assign you lower ratings are really that wrong, they will face their own consequences, courtesy of Her.

(9)  That Lady doubles as the Mother who Protects Us all from actions or consequences that may harm us - she's also been known as the Angel On Our Shoulders.  While it's not guaranteed on-demand, She does have the discretion to intercede on our behalf and prevent what others could do to us from being worse than it could be, or thwarted entirely.

(10)  And as Her tag-team partner, we have the Father who Emboldens Us all when those actions or consequences have us facing them.  That's where we develop resilience, courage, and longevity.

Yes, Friends And Neighbors, I'd like to develop some of these spiritual catch-phrases into an honest-to-goodness spiritual practice for those who feel less-than, done-to, and left-out, without seeking to sabotage those who appear to be overly-privileged.  I hope some of you could help me make this happen.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.   LOVE ONE.   HATE NONE.

Cleaning House, Keeping Distance

Good Afternoon All, and Happy Easter and Passover to those who celebrate.

As previously discussed, this COVID-19 pandemic forces us, in no uncertain terms, to accept conditions beyond our control.  Some of these conditions include executive orders and government actions that would otherwise be unconstitutional, or even unthinkable.  Others include the presence of a disease that is incredibly contagious and horrifyingly real.  Nevertheless, here they are.

However, this is also a chance to take better stock of things that we actually can control.  Such as the condition of our living space, now that we're spending so much extra time here.  It's also a chance to delve inward for a little bit of self-discovery that can't be addressed in normal times.

Nothing can stop you from endless hours of scrolling and binging.  However, it could be slightly more constructive to just be.  Meditate.  Maybe pray.  Some stretching and yoga might be helpful too.  And while you're at it, maybe try cooking (after learning, if you don't already know how) more nutritious cuisine, since fine dining is no longer an option.

But most importantly, while we have this hiatus from direct social interactions, we may want to use this time to revise and revamp the manner in which we deal with people.  To decide that we can control our irritation and dislike of others' personality limitations.  To control and refine the manner in which we address (or better yet, not address) things we don't appreciate.  To prepare ourselves for what reality and experience show us will almost certainly occur once the pandemic has ended.

Let's think constructively and live wisely.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

Our Father

Hey All.  Hope all celebrating had a Happy Father's Day.

I know that I appreciate my dad immensely.  He'd be pretty humble about it, but much of what I post in the blog is an outgrowth of the life lessons he taught me.

But even more than my appreciation of him, is my appreciation of Him:  G-D the Father.

Now this isn't based on any religion in particular.  It's just an understanding that there is a supernatural being who has a completely rational expectation of us to recognize and fulfill our personal responsibilities.  Our Mother Lady Karma is the One who handles things we can't control, executes judgment against those who wrong us, and pardons us for our errors.  G-D the Father, however, has a very different role to play.

What He does is remind us of what we CAN control, and that we'd better handle it to the best of our abilities.  His message is, "I'm not going to do your job for you."  Should we get started and keep moving, He is very likely to provide assistance, and quite possibly rewards, along the way.  But if we don't work for it, He won't provide it.

Our Father G-D doesn't want us to give up trying after only a few attempts.  He wants us to get our hands dirty and fail again and again until there has to be some sort of success, great or small.  He wants us to rise above critics and nay-sayers, disable our triggers when they are not needed, and to be as disciplined as possible in our thoughts and actions.

He knows that we'll make mistakes.  Honestly, He expects them to happen.  And He also expects us to keep our emotional reactions to a minimum because they'll only get in the way.  Our Mother can kiss our skinned egos to make them better.  But Our Father wants us to heal them ourselves, because we can!

That doesn't mean He's mean or unforgiving.  If He were, He'd be convincing us all to jump off bridges and end it all.  Instead, He wants us to live, and live right.  He wants us to understand that every new day is another chance to get it right, and not to eternally punish ourselves for when we get it wrong.  He wants us to own The Four Pillars, and own them hard!

So, Friends & Neighbors, today I hope you told your fathers how much you appreciate them.  And every day going forward, I suggest we show appreciation to Our Father G-D by making ourselves even better.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Make Love Stronger Than Hate

Hey All - Happy Valentine's Day!

This day is meant to celebrate love.  Yes, it's also day when people are very likely to buy each other jewelry and chocolates.  But it's primarily about love.

When you look at the world around us, through social media and otherwise, there are way too many reasons to hate.  There are terrorists who hate America, and there are terrorist apologists that tell us that it's our fault for getting them angry enough to kill.  There are ideological differences that divide our country, and there are "independents" who sometimes make excuses for the dividers.  There are people who will never respect us no matter what we do or say, and there are other people who eternally enable them and excuse their behavior.

And I wasn't even talking about the alpholes - don't get me started, lol!

Yes, there is so much negativity, misfortune, and backlash in this world, it's a miracle that World War III hasn't broken out yet.  There's so much drama in this world because, quite frankly, peace and respect just don't seem exciting enough.  Some people develop high-conflict personalities because being at peace is just way too boring for them.  Don't let them sell you on the "I'm only being honest" nonsense, because if they were ever confronted with that same exact honesty when aimed at their own failings, they'd throw a tantrum.

Ummm, Daaaaave?   Not to criticize, but isn't this post supposed to be about -

One step ahead of ya - yes, it is about love.

Even with so much unpleasantness in this world, there are still people who don't look to cause drama and agita.  There are people who really do care about us, are happy to see us succeed, and have an investment in our continued happiness.  There are people who are proud to have you in their circles, and are honored to be in yours.  They inspire you to be even better than you already are, and to make them feel just as happy as they make you.

This doesn't necessarily mean a romantic partner, though this certainly helps.  That same kind of compassion can also be found with family or with a tight-knit group of friends.  Respect.  Empathy.  Understanding.

As Bold Betas, it's tragically easy to forget those who are more worthy of our thoughts.  If we're confronted with so many haters, yet lack the ability to successfully repel their attacks, they tend to give themselves top billing.  However, when we become Bold and Bulletproof, we are able to drown out what those miscreants say and do, and then remove them from our lives.  Then we are in a much better position to love ourselves, and by extension, to love others.  To give and receive love in equal amounts.  To create more thoughts of happiness to share, and reduce thoughts of the alternative.

So send those others on their way, and appreciate those who deserve to be in your life.  Show love to those who love you.  Show compassion to those who bestow it on you.  Show appreciation to those who appreciate you.  And let ALL OF THIS take precedence over anyone who doesn't care, or who thinks less of you.

Goodness knows, that's not easy to do.  Negative thoughts have a way of making it tough, because negative people are so convinced that they're the only ones who are aware of reality.  They just don't like admitting that they're the ones who make their reality that way.  So let's beat them to the punch and put more love, and more happiness, in our reality.

I never celebrate Valentine's Day.  I don't need a day to show that I love somebody, I already do that every day.

Oooooh.   Ahhhhh.   Ohhhhhh.   That's amazing.  Nevertheless, the holiday is here.  So let's use it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

When To Let It Go.

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying the AFC/NFC Championship games -- sometimes they're more exciting than the Super Bowl itself!

One weakness that we as Betas have that makes us less Bold is our propensity to dwell on things.  We make mistakes and beat ourselves up for it.  We get so nervous and upset when being confronted that we don't come up with the good idea, or the crushing comeback, or the winning argument, until after the window to do so has closed.  We relieve negative experiences so many times that we don't actually realize they're over.

We assail and curse the misdeeds of the alpholes because they have no moral compass whatsoever.  Unfortunately, this deplorable trait enables them to get over their mistakes and transgressions lightning-fast. So fast, in fact, that they already have an excuse, alibi, or beyss story to cover themselves without a thought.  As much as it pains me to say it, this is something it pays to do because no amount of guilt, second-guessing, or self-flagellation ever solves a problem.

So how do we do it?  

(1).  If you know that someone has been hurt or wronged by something you did, apologize, once and only once, as soon as possible.  If you can, make it right.  Then, it's over.  If they don't accept your apology, or they start haranguing you, guilt tripping you, or go on an all-out critic-fest, walk away.  Some people are too self-righteous for their own good and have a sorry need to bash others to make themselves feel good, and are quick to justify it as "only being honest."  Their need to run their mouths is not a directive to self-immolate.  Shut it out and leave them with their grudges.

(2).  If you made a mistake, even a painful one, learn from it.  It's ok to stop feeling bad about it, provided you find ways to prevent it from happening again.  And guess what - the more exposure you have to whatever caused that mistake, the more opportunities you have to get better.  And better.  And even better than that!  But if you beat yourself up, you're condemned to screw it up again every time because your confidence is shot.

(3).  If someone else did you wrong, think about the example of the unforgiving type in Example (1).  Is that how a Bold Beta acts?  Nasty and critical?  Stuck up and self-righteous?  Mouthy and moronic?  That's not our way.  I'm not saying you should shake their hand and say all is forgiven - they might think you're "cool with it" and keep doing it all the time.  But I am saying that we need to be the opposite of those high-conflict types who need to give you a dressing down.  Control the anger.  Armor your heart.  Detach yourself.  And consider either removing the individual who wronged you from your life, or taking actions to minimize your exposure to their future wrongdoing.  Chances are, they may be just as inhuman and imperfect as you are, and are unlikely to make that mistake again.  If not, boot 'em.

(4). If you really are that unhappy with someone else, find a way to tell them when it's actually happening.  If they're decent at all, they'll apologize and it'll end.  If they're not, they'll give you a million excuses, and you'll dismiss them.  And instead of giving them unlimited free passes, start telling them that it's not ok.  That way you won't have to "tolerate" them, or feel bad about missing your chance to set a boundary.

Yes, it's ok to stop feeling bad, angry, resentful, guilty, or stupid.  If it's your bad, try to make it good.  If others think they're better than you and keep pointing fingers, forget them.  If it's their bad, make them see why.  If they can't own it, then own your dignity and dismiss them.  Bottom line, take actions to prevent negative feelings from remaining.  And most importantly, if they do remain, dispose of them.  Feeling bad solves nothing.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

The "Little Buddy" Problem.

Hey All - Happy New Year!

I've sung the praises of booting people who bash you, try to silence you, minimize you, and disrespect you.  But I've also advocated respecting those who disagree with you, but aren't doing it to put you down.  They do exist, believe it or not.

But then there's another category:  The protectors.  The fake friends.  The pseudo-bullies. The beyss artists.  The token collectors.  It requires extra scrutiny to weed them out.

Recently, I shared a story on Facebook about high school athletes who befriend and mentor elementary school children who are being bullied.  I applaud this wholeheartedly.  While it is still sad that the bullies' belief that might makes right is once again validated, it is very encouraging that there are those who are ready, willing, and able to support those who are bullied.

It's certainly comfortable to have a protector.  Someone who can deter bullies from attacking you.  Someone who can remind the bullies that they're not the juggernauts they think they are.  Someone who can reinforce boundaries of respect.  

However, the question remains - what happens if the protectors get bored?  If they become cynical of protecting those physically weaker than they are?  What if they turn on their little buddies . . . Just because they can?  Who gets protected then?

Well, I'll share with you a story from my past:

Between college and law school, I re-connected with an old friend.  It's not his real name, but I'll call him Bobby.  Bobby's parents and mine were friends for years.  He was several years older than me, so when I was in elementary school, I liked hanging out with him.  He felt like the older brother I never had.  I really trusted him.  While we had grown apart, but then started hanging out again.

So it seemed like it would be like old times again.  He'd show me a few things, and he'd have my back.  However, he had a few problems of his own.  He had a rocky relationship with his fiancée.  He ran into a patch of bad luck and was having trouble keeping a job.  And despite his outgoing nature, he had very few friends.

So how did he deal with these hard times?  By making life unpleasant for his "little buddy," who was such a goody two-shoes for getting into law school, such an inferior little man because he wasn't so outgoing, and such a pathetically easy target for non-stop criticism because just wasn't "cool."  Every time I told him it wasn't ok for him to keep doing that, he always had another excuse.

He alleged that we were just two guys going out and having a good time. In reality, it was a loudmouth who became the center of attention, and his permanent wingman who never seemed to get a word in edgewise.  Robin Hood and Little John.   Batman and Robin.   Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.  And Bobby had no problem teaching, advising, correcting, and minimizing his "little buddy" in front of everyone.  Not a single thought to how embarrassing that might have felt.

Hated.  It.   Immensely.  Once it got so bad that the woman that he was talking to waited until he went to the bathroom and asked me why I was putting up with it.   When I confronted him with it later, he said it was because I was like his "widdle bwuddah" and he "had to look out" for me, and the woman was "stupid anyway."

Somewhere in a barn, a male bovine was relieving himself the moment Bobby said this.  And I could smell it.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  While homeboy kept talking, I kept listening.  Every time he bashed lawyers out of jealousy.   Every time he talked about blue-collar workers being "real men" and white-collar workers being "not interested in the little guy."  Every time he boasted about his numerous female conquests (both before and after he got engaged), and put me down for not equaling them (despite the fact that he overtook every conversation with a woman I tried to have).  I took notes and went to work.

I emailed him out of the blue about how much I learned from his example.  So much so that I was going to withdraw from law school and work at the local junkyard.  So much that I was going to start smoking just like he did.  So much that I figured out how to talk to "the chicks," and that one of them was making breakfast for me as I was writing that email.

Then I didn't talk to him for a week.  He could not stop calling me and emailing me, but I was going to let it marinate for a while.   Finally, I got him on the phone and let him babble for a solid half hour about how proud he was of me, and that he would support "whatever choice I made."  When he stopped to take a breath, I explained to him that none of it was true, and that I emailed him this story because I got sick and tired of him judging me.   After about two minutes of shocked silence, I was treated to another half hour monologue filled with disappointment that I did not rearrange my life to mirror his, justification for his continued unacceptable behavior, and repeated assurance that he was asking "forgiveness for my sins."

I stopped talking to him on a regular basis after that.  Especially after he had to move back in with his parents who lived out of state.  

Yes, I could have told him flat out that he could either stop treating me like a child or I'd stop talking to him.  But with thanks to Lady Kharma, there was no need to do so.   Every time he bashed my career choice, he would usually get fired.  After making me look less-than in front of the opposite sex enough times, his fiancée called off the wedding.  After babbling non-stop about how he knew everything about life when he was 12, he was moving back in with his parents at 30.  As I've said before, G-D is even angrier at these people than you are, and He has better tools at His disposal.

HOW TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING:

As betas, we are sometimes lucky to have someone who can help us in areas where we are lacking. But having that extra protection DOES NOT MEAN that we shouldn't be aware of our own limitations.  We can stop worrying about things beyond our control and trust in G-D, but we can NOT put that much faith in other people, even if they are genuinely trying to "look out for us."  Because they are also looking out for themselves, and so should we.  Even if they're doing the right thing, they won't be around forever.

When we are Bold and Bulletproof, the need for someone to "look out for us" and keep us safe gets much less.  While it's good to have some assistance at first, we should strive to eventually become self-actualized enough that we no longer need someone to follow.  Quite frankly, at the level, it's actually a little condescending to think you still are thought of as a "little buddy."  It's very unsatisfying to play that role for a lifetime.

And if you really want protection, look above.  It's not exactly a guarantee, but there are times when you ask and He delivers.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

The Big Game

Good afternoon, all!  Took a short hiatus, but chose a quasi-national holiday to come back!  Can't really fault me, many a good TV series has had its premiere right before or right after the Super Bowl - seems smart for me to follow suit.

You don't have to be a football fan to know this, but this is the end of a long season for two teams.  Regardless of what happened in the regular season or the playoffs, what happens today really counts.  This one is for all the marbles, for all the glory, for the big parade in the city that team represents.

Well, that's for the players and coaches.  How about you?

You got an even better deal than they do, believe it or not.  In the NFL, you might get eliminated from the playoffs and not make it anywhere near the Big Game without a ticket.  In real life, your season does not end until Divine Providence chooses to end it for you, and not before.

Your Big Game does not have to only come once a year.  You don't need any kind of regular season record, home advantage, or even a bigger stadium to get there.  You just have to play to win.  And the winning formula is made clear and obvious by the Four Pillars.

It's very likely that some of you reading these words might not feel like such winners.  Maybe someone has told you that you don't measure up to their standards, and you accepted that assessment as fact.  Maybe someone thought laughing at your inadequacies in front of an enabling audience was a fun thing to do, and it left a bruise.  Maybe someone pushed you to a breaking point, and you actually broke.

Good news, everyone.  The damages recited above are all curable.  They can be removed like they never even happened.  And once they are removed, you're ready to suit up for your own Big Game.  The prize will not be the Vince Lombardi Trophy, but if you win, you'll earn something far more valuable:  Dignity.  Self-Respect.  Emotional Maturity.  Confidence.  Power. 

Today, you can watch someone else make it happen.  Tomorrow, it's your turn.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Love Yourself More Anyway

Hi All!

The written blog is a little early today.  Just got finished watching (a) the anomaly of a hockey game starting at 12 noon; (b) the first home playoff game my Islanders had in several years; and (c) a frustrating overtime loss.  Much props to my team for showing that they can give a No. 1 seed a run for their money.  However, at this point in the season, there is no one-point-for-an-overtime-loss, it's win or lose.  Let's hope we can make this series 2-2 next game.

It's very easy to hate the Penguins.  It's even easier to hate the refs and the NHL for calling a BS penalty for the apparent protection of Sidney Crosby.  But that apparently doesn't change the final score.  The only way to rise above that is for our boys to win three of the next four games.  I'll let our pundits, prognosticators, and self-appointed experts, explain how that can be done, and await the final result.

You've heard me blog about people we hate, sometimes with rancor and venom, and sometimes with dismissal.  Volumes could be written about those we hate, and then volumes upon volumes.  It remains to be understood how hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, and their resulting rage and fury are so pervasive.  Why is it so much more interesting that positive attitudes?  Why does it sour everything that could be sweet, and why does it soil everything that could be clean?  Why does it take everything that could be happy and make it unpleasant?  Where does it get its power to just ruin damn near everything?  Because the key ingredient to shut it down is missing.

There is a core audience that reads this blog that does not agree with its direction.  I harbor no resentment towards this crowd, because I do actually respect its opinion.  However, I sometimes call it the "I don't care" crowd.  They pride themselves on repeatedly reminding me that they're just so mature, just so developed, and just so self-actualized that they "never" hate anyone, "never" let anyone get to them, and "never" react to the obnoxiousness or rudeness of anyone who challenges them, because it "never" bothers them.  With all due respect to the loyal opposition, I call the accuracy of these statements into question, and present something that rings truer:

(1)  There is nobody, with the possible exception of the Pope and the Dalai Lama, who "never" gets pissed off at someone else or something else.  That's false.  I've known people who are as stoic and solid as the Rock of Gibraltar when people are watching, but then "freak out" worse than anyone else when there's nobody watching.  It's just a lot easier for them to put on a show.

(2)  If this were really true, people would be walking all over the "I don't care" crowd.  It is not apathy, distraction, or "just letting it go" that stops miscreants and jabronies, it's consequences, or the understanding that some will be delivered in the near future, that stops them.

(3)  Expressing anger in the appropriate manner is healthy.  It is mature, it is cathartic, it is pro-active, and it gains respect.  Suppressing anger, and pretending something doesn't bother you when it obviously should, is a recipe for a breakdown.

So what's the alternative?  Simple, really.

(A)  Pick a number that represents the amount of hatred or ill will you have towards somebody.

(B)  Multiply that number by 10.

The total represents how highly you should value yourself, compared to how much you despise all of those others.

My "I don't care" peeps are really saying exactly that, but for some reason, they're saying it in code, and covering it with condescension.  Maybe they think the rest of us can't figure out their secret, but I can.  And maybe they don't think it's the most macho thing to say, but I'm saying it anyway.  I just put their secret "on the record," and they have no recourse against me!

Self-love is the first step towards achieving any goal in life.  A new job, an invention, a business idea, a winning team, a friendship, a relationship, or a marriage.  You really can't fake it like the individuals I've described above.

It's the only way to get over loss, mourning, adverse decisions, unflattering commentary, disapproval or rejection.  The individuals who spew this garbage all over you do it because they don't love you.  If you adopt their attitude, then you don't love yourself either.  People who don't love themselves are lost.

Not too long ago, some criticism of this blog came my way.  This criticism was that this blog was meaningless, because it contained no research, but consisted only of the author's opinion.  Pardon me for pointing out the obvious, but this blog was never advertised as a scholastic term paper or a thesis statement.  It's based on real-life experiences and common-sense observations of life in general, and not on self-serving intellectualism and ivory-tower pomposity.  It is intended for men and boys with low self-esteem, because there are a thousand resources for women who suffer from this issue, but precious little for males who do.  Ironically, it attracted many more female readers, because the messages still resonated with them.

I'm not very happy with this critic's opinion.  However, I love this blog much more than I could ever resent any negative feedback.  It is my contribution to the world around me, independent of my choice of career, and it is a hobby I enjoy even more than my long-distance running.  It is a commitment that I don't compromise.  Instead of looking at the mark the world leaves on me, it's my way of leaving my mark on the world instead.  I'll even go out on a limb and say that I love writing this blog more than I notice how many or how few readers I get.  This blog is mine, and will outlast and endure all criticism and threats.

Do I have some off weeks?  Of course I do.  Am I sometimes running low on ideas?  We all get writer's block.  But this blog still means a great deal to me because it has a consistent message behind it.

Yes peeps, it's been a while since I brought it up, but say it with me:

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Keep on saying it until you love yourself 10 times more than you hate anyone else.  And then say it some more!

Video to follow . . . .

The Olympic Ideal

The Olympics are well under way, and medals have already been awarded.  Looks like these Games will be remembered favorably.

This would be a fine opportunity to remember the words of Baron Pierre de Coubertin, the founder of the IOC and of the modern Olympic Games.  He is quoted as saying:

"The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle, the essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."

Given how advanced each athlete must be at their chosen event, it's obvious that every Olympic athlete would have had to earn several triumphs in order to compete to begin with.  Nevertheless, the Baron's philosophy still holds water. 

Too many people think that winning is all that matters, and nothing less is acceptable.  To adopt this as your reality means you have committed yourself to the self-fulfilling failure known as perfectionism, which is a complete fallacy.  Winning is obviously the goal of every game, sport, endeavor or venture that is undertaken.  But that doesn't mean that you can never lose, and it doesn't mean that losing is a failure in and of itself.

The Baron didn't say this directly, but since he was an educator, I think he may have been implying that to lose is to learn a lesson.  It is only from failures and setbacks that we learn about ourselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience must follow from bad judgment. Also, to know that you've given everything you could give towards your goal is already a victory, even without the prize being awarded.

Maybe he was also implying that even when you perform your best, your opponent might still know something you don't, may still be a little faster or stronger than you, or maybe just wants it a little bit more than you do.  Given that, there's a chance that your opponent might win and you might lose, but that doesn't mean you give up the ship so soon.  You still play as hard as you can, and go for a win anyway.  Even if you come away with the silver medal, even the winner gets all the "spoils," and even if the crowd forgets your name as soon as they leave the arena, you still know deep down that you've won anyway. 

The quote, "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" was incorrectly attributed to Vince Lombardi, Hall of Fame football coach.  This was later found to be incorrect because Lombardi did not want his players to rely upon opponents' mistakes to coast their way to "ugly wins."  He actually told his players that nobody can achieve perfection, but "when we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."  This means that you prepare the best way you can, train as hard as you can, and envision yourself winning, even if you might not. 

Record books and historians are not kind to those who don't win, but you still can be.  Maybe there's a game that you've played recently that did not result in the victory you wanted.  Maybe there's a prize you wanted that went to someone else.  Or maybe there was something that you wanted so bad that you did everything to get it, and you still failed somehow.  Forget that result, and congratulate yourself on what you did to try to achieve it.  You did everything in your power to get it, and it simply wasn't meant to be. 

Don't post-mortem.  Don't second-guess.  And PLEASE do not beat yourself up no matter how bad you feel!  That was your opponent's job, and they've finished doing it.  They won a prize for it, but  you won't!  Why add to their work at your own expense?

So even though we all want Team USA to win gold in just about everything, they won't.  And even if some of our athletes are not on the highest rung of the medal stand, remember their efforts anyway.  The fact that they competed for our country to begin with already makes them winners.  And don't forget those athletes from other nations who complete against Team USA -- they might not all be NBA All-Stars, but they've made it their central goal to win anyway.  Respect that.

Enjoy the Games, peeps.  Comments welcome.

The Envelope, Please

Tonight is the Oscars.  The night when those who have played well their parts get to thank the Academy for its recognition, Billy Crystal tells a lot of jokes, people obsess over what each actress is wearing on the red carpet.  The men, on the other hand, just rent a tuxedo as if it were prom night and go with it.

Everyone nominated is obviously very attractive and very talented.  However, these award shows are completely and entirely subjective.  Which they must be, because there is no objective way to determine which actor or actress or director is truly "better" than the others.

Chances are we may have felt like we got the shaft from some other arbitrary or capricious system:  Maybe a judge or a jury decided against our argument, no matter how right on the money it was.  Maybe the pretty lady you asked out on a date turned you down because you weren't manly/cool/smooth/rich enough, even though you're the best you can be in all of those areas.   Maybe someone flat-out told you they didn't like you.

Most teachers and camp counselors have gotten used to telling little children that even when they lose a game, they still win, just so they won't cry.  As corny and unrealistic as it seems, it's actually similar to what we all need to do for ourselves.  The fact that some system picks someone else instead doesn't mean you should reject yourself!

So tomorrow morning, anyone who's been feeling like they came in second, or that they came up empty-handed somehow, do the following:

(1)  Open an envelope in front of your bathroom mirror;
(2)  Announce that the Oscar goes to [insert your name];
(3)  Give your own acceptance speech.  If it won't make you late for work, go as long as you want.  Include the following:
       (A)  Role models that taught you to believe;
       (B)  Loved ones who returned that love; and
       (C)  Anyone who moved you ahead, or convinced you to move yourself ahead
(4)  Just before you finish, tell everyone who did the opposite of the above that you didn't have time to fit them in, and then rush off the stage!

Good night, all, and don't forget to comment!

Resolve Yourself!

Yes, it is a new year -- Day One of the year 2012!

Last year, I posted about New Year's Resolutions.  This year I'm posting about New Year's Voluntary Self-Initiated Choices.  Takes up a little more gray matter and blog-space, but this description makes it a little more difficult to shirk on these goals!

This New Year's Eve at my godson's family's house, one of his brothers announced a new resolution for himself -- to be "less annoying."  I love this young man as if he were my own son, but he, and I, both know that he broke this resolution (OK, not yet . . . not yet . . . not yet . . .) already.  Certainly not his fault, of course.  That's because these lame, weak, half-assed pseudo-oaths are designed to fail -- they're just words used to describe an action that the "resolver" knows that he or she has absolutely no intention of performing.

So rather than make another annual inside joke of "there's no way I'm ever gonna do that," let's promise ourselves things that we actually can, and will, accomplish.  Suggestions:

(1)  Be true and honest to yourself.

(2)  Be willing to say "no."

(3)  Take authority and responsibility for your own life and choices.

(4)  Sever ties with those who cannot or will not accept you for who you are.

(5)  Stop respecting those who don't respect you.

(6)  Seek relationships that benefit you, and don't leave you empty and exhausted.

(7)  Increase your self-respect and decrease your self-effacement; reduce your self-criticism, and eliminate your self-loathing.

(8) Admit your mistakes, make good on them, learn from them, and then stop the self-flagellation that arises from every screw-up.

(9)  Find the hidden advantage and loophole in every negative -- they do exist, just find them!

(10)  If you're not happy with your circumstances, look for and find ways to change them.

Also, repeat to yourself daily a mantra like the one below:

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Happy New Year, my readers.  Make good choices for 2012!