When To Let It Go.

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying the AFC/NFC Championship games -- sometimes they're more exciting than the Super Bowl itself!

One weakness that we as Betas have that makes us less Bold is our propensity to dwell on things.  We make mistakes and beat ourselves up for it.  We get so nervous and upset when being confronted that we don't come up with the good idea, or the crushing comeback, or the winning argument, until after the window to do so has closed.  We relieve negative experiences so many times that we don't actually realize they're over.

We assail and curse the misdeeds of the alpholes because they have no moral compass whatsoever.  Unfortunately, this deplorable trait enables them to get over their mistakes and transgressions lightning-fast. So fast, in fact, that they already have an excuse, alibi, or beyss story to cover themselves without a thought.  As much as it pains me to say it, this is something it pays to do because no amount of guilt, second-guessing, or self-flagellation ever solves a problem.

So how do we do it?  

(1).  If you know that someone has been hurt or wronged by something you did, apologize, once and only once, as soon as possible.  If you can, make it right.  Then, it's over.  If they don't accept your apology, or they start haranguing you, guilt tripping you, or go on an all-out critic-fest, walk away.  Some people are too self-righteous for their own good and have a sorry need to bash others to make themselves feel good, and are quick to justify it as "only being honest."  Their need to run their mouths is not a directive to self-immolate.  Shut it out and leave them with their grudges.

(2).  If you made a mistake, even a painful one, learn from it.  It's ok to stop feeling bad about it, provided you find ways to prevent it from happening again.  And guess what - the more exposure you have to whatever caused that mistake, the more opportunities you have to get better.  And better.  And even better than that!  But if you beat yourself up, you're condemned to screw it up again every time because your confidence is shot.

(3).  If someone else did you wrong, think about the example of the unforgiving type in Example (1).  Is that how a Bold Beta acts?  Nasty and critical?  Stuck up and self-righteous?  Mouthy and moronic?  That's not our way.  I'm not saying you should shake their hand and say all is forgiven - they might think you're "cool with it" and keep doing it all the time.  But I am saying that we need to be the opposite of those high-conflict types who need to give you a dressing down.  Control the anger.  Armor your heart.  Detach yourself.  And consider either removing the individual who wronged you from your life, or taking actions to minimize your exposure to their future wrongdoing.  Chances are, they may be just as inhuman and imperfect as you are, and are unlikely to make that mistake again.  If not, boot 'em.

(4). If you really are that unhappy with someone else, find a way to tell them when it's actually happening.  If they're decent at all, they'll apologize and it'll end.  If they're not, they'll give you a million excuses, and you'll dismiss them.  And instead of giving them unlimited free passes, start telling them that it's not ok.  That way you won't have to "tolerate" them, or feel bad about missing your chance to set a boundary.

Yes, it's ok to stop feeling bad, angry, resentful, guilty, or stupid.  If it's your bad, try to make it good.  If others think they're better than you and keep pointing fingers, forget them.  If it's their bad, make them see why.  If they can't own it, then own your dignity and dismiss them.  Bottom line, take actions to prevent negative feelings from remaining.  And most importantly, if they do remain, dispose of them.  Feeling bad solves nothing.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Only With Effort

Hey All!  Are you ready for the summer? 

A universal truth became apparent to me recently:  the only way to have the life, friends, and surroundings we want is through continuous effort.

Sometimes people say, let "nature take its course."  Is that what we really want?

If we have a house and let "nature take its course," it doesn't get cleaned, wear and tear becomes excessive, grass doesn't get mowed, leaves don't get raked, and the local authorities condemn it.

If we have a relationship and let "nature take its course," birthdays and anniversaries get forgotten, plans don't get made, memories don't get created, and feelings don't get reinforced.

If we, as beta males, let "nature take its course," we get manipulated by over-aggressive types, we get ignored and passed over, we get shamed and punished for not delivering what "they" want, and we resign ourselves to a life of anonymity.

HOWEVER, WHEN EFFORT IS APPLIED:

The house is kept in great condition, and possibly increases in value.

The relationship blossoms and thrives.

And as beta males, so do we.

I am not saying that we must overburden ourselves with everything we do to the point of burnout.  That's no way to live.  But I am saying that self-actualization, confidence-building, and basic human respect happen only with effort, and they are not given to us automatically.  It takes practice to become Bold and Bulletproof, and if we stop for too long, we backslide.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

End The Bondage

Hey All - that time of the year again.

On Passover, Jews commemorate the Exodus from Egypt and the end of slavery.  In the Hagaddah, the ceremonial book that is read from on Passover in Jewish homes, the deplorable conditions of slavery are recounted, as well as the consequences that the Egyptians suffered.  Many thanks and praises are sung to the L-D, who removed one distinct nation from the domination of another.  An exhortation is made to Him to destroy and punish all of Israel's enemies.

So what can we take from this tradition as beta males?

(1).    We can refuse to be enslaved by the alphaganda.  That unbinding and unenacted piece of de-facto legislation cannot be held over our heads by anyone.  It does not govern our thoughts or our actions, it does not limit our movements, and it does nothing to limit or force our decision-making.  Although this blog rails against this system forcefully, freeing yourself from it surprisingly easy.  It doesn't even require you set forth the lengthy rants on display here.  All you need to do is decide that it does not own you, and you've just parted the Red Sea without even getting wet.

(2).  We can decide not to rage against our would-be taskmasters if it can't spur us into action.  Yes, the alpholes have ways of not being good to us and ways of avoiding consequences for their actions, but simply being angry at them doesn't free us.

On this blog, we minimize them, expose their weaknesses, and sometimes bash them, for one and only one reason:  to prevent us as beta males from enabling them further.  To stop us from buying into the alphaganda, which tells us to kowtow and abdicate to the alpholes as if they were our taskmasters.  To perform a global iconoclast, and make way for conquering heroes.

But we do NOT minimize them in order to make us all hate-filled and bitter.  If we must rage against them, and demand that they suffer for their misdeeds, we can only do that from a position of strength.  In the meantime, the rage should be re-directed and converted into passion, drive, ambition, and self-confidence.  One way of doing that is by reinforcing the fact that our adversaries are not the indestructible juggernauts they claim to be, and not by providing a "Two Minute Hate" from 1984.  Otherwise, anger for anger's sake does nothing but corrode and decay us.

One interesting moment from the Seder is when the door is opened for Elijah the Prophet, forerunner of the Messiah.  At that time, the following prayer is uttered:

"Pour out Thy wrath on the nations that know Thee not, upon the 
governments which do not call upon Thy name. For they have devoured Jacob 
and desolated his home. Pour out Thy wrath on them; may Thy 
blazing anger overtake them.  Pursue them from under the heavens 
of the L-D."

 For the scholars among us, these are several verses taken from Psalms and Lamentations, and it does demonstrate an example of the "Old Testament G-D" known for imposing severe consequences for improper actions.  For the rest of us, it is a reminder of where our boundaries lie.  Because we do not live in a comic book or a Stallone film, we are not obligated to seek revenge for every slight, insult, or offense against us.  There is someone far bigger than the rest of us, more powerful than us, and able to actually seek vengeance against the alpholes in ways we are powerless to perform.  He's a lot better than it than we are, and there is no chance He would screw it up.  Vengeance belongs to Divine Providence, karma, and natural consequences, and not to us beta males.  The Almighty is saying, in effect, "everybody chill out, OK?  I got this."

Remove the desire for revenge you seek, no matter how justified it really is, and kiss it up to Him.  If these alpholes truly deserve a crushing demise, they'll get it.

(3).  We can leave situations that drain us, harm us, or force us to be something that we're not.  Sometimes it means you'll say things that hurt others, but that cost pales in comparison to the benefit of achieving the freedom you need.  It is far better to be free and walk alone that it is to be constantly surrounded by taskmasters.

(4).  We can get rid of habits that don't make us better.  Watching TV is fun if the show you're watching makes you laugh, shocks you, or gives you and your friends something to discuss afterwards.  Otherwise, you're wasting precious time.  Drinking a fine glass of wine or a cold beer is a treat and a luxury.  But when ingested to an extreme, it weakens your internal organs and shortens your life span.  Engaging in any type of fantasy role-playing game (and I'm covering a lot of ground with this one) is fun, in and of itself, but if left unchecked, we stop playing the game known as reality, and our "avatars" stop looking like winners.

(5).  We can dispose of the self-doubt, guilt, and fear that block the path to self-actualization.  This means we can forgive ourselves for every mistake we make and learn from it, instead of engaging in pointless self-flagellation.  This means we can stop telling ourselves that it's not possible because it's difficult, and start telling ourselves that it's difficult and possible.  This means that we can meet challenges head on, risky or otherwise, even if it makes us uncomfortable.  Believe me, nothing is more enslaving than comfort, and nothing keeps us tied down more than complacency.  Break those chains and you'll be free for life.

(6).  We can control situations instead of letting situations control us.  We can say "no" or "later" to people who interrupt us from what we need to do.  We can arrange tasks and events by priority, and not by how annoying someone else is.  We can decide what gets our time, attention, affection, love, blood, sweat and tears, and what doesn't.

And so gentlemen, there are many paths to freedom.  Some of those chains may be tighter and heavier for some than others, but if you want to break them, you're halfway there.  Although you don't want to be slaves, there is still work involved in gaining freedom.  If you're willing to do your part to bust loose from all of the oppressions that I've described, then you'll make it.

For those who celebrate, I hope you have a Sweet Passover.  I hope you find a way to break free from whatever or whoever is enslaving you.  Better yet, I hope you can find a way to break free from the meanest, cruelest, most sadistic taskmaster you know . . . you.

The Exodus tells us about a nation that grew and changed from a conquered and enslaved tribe into a huge and powerful people.  It tells about a former nobleman who fled in exile, and reluctantly and humbly led that nation, and then became someone more wise and powerful than he ever dreamed.  I hope you can find some kind of parallel between that most momentous event and your own life.

Night All!  

Negative Feedback

Hey All -- while the winter blows cold around me, a few ideas are percolating . . . .

Adding to my prior post on "the rules," I'd like to address those moments in life when someone else tells you that what you do and say is not something they agree with.  A little emotional maturity is needed, as follows:

Who, exactly, are they?

Chances are, as is often the case with beta males, there might be a woman who just doesn't feel the same for you that you feel for her.  And it's possible that, despite her statements that she would prefer a nice guy, she somehow manages to be with a world-class alphole.  Even showing her what's best about you doesn't persuade her or help her see the light, as the alphole's hoots and hollers drown out your argument.

Little-known secret about these women -- they are just as flawed as you and me.  They are not goddesses, they are not royalty, and they are not the only females in existence.  You know how we get blinded by attractive women just by their physical appearance?  How we believe that they are the only women worth being with?  How, try as we might, we're always drawn to them?  That's exactly the same thing these women feel when the alpholes roll into town.  They are hard-wired to be attracted to these jabronies the same way we're hard-wired to be drawn to them.  It doesn't mean that they are mean or stupid, or that they deserve to suffer consequences.  It just means that they're human just like us.

That being said, their rejection of you is not the end-all and be-all, either.  If that's the type of man that makes them feel complete, then deep down, you owe them a small amount of gratitude.  If they chose to be with you instead, it would not be genuine.  Their heart would not be in it, and once they realized that they still expected you to have some of those badass alphole qualities, they'd just get annoyed with you for not being that way.  A woman who really wants somebody that you're not has the potential to make your life significantly less pleasant than it would be without her.  She wants a "real man" instead of you?  Good!  Do yourself a favor and let her go have him!  Why pretend to be something you're not, or better yet, something you hate, just to impress someone who'd be happier with someone else?  That's a waste of time.

But that doesn't mean that you can't find someone else that you'll still be attracted to anyway.  There are tons of women out there who are not attracted to these alpholes, and would be more than happy to welcome someone like you into their lives.  How you meet them, and how you succeed with them will be dealt with another time, but for now, it's enough to say that this type of rejection should have minimal to no impact on your self-esteem.

Lately, this blog has encountered some negative feedback as well.  A few gentlemen who consider themselves proud alpha males are not in agreement with some of my recent posts and tweets.  Since their perspective and experiences are entirely different from mine, I expect and welcome their opinions.  I think that criticism would be better served in written format here on Blogger or on Facebook, but they don't prefer that method for some reason.

First and foremost, they seem unhappy with the term "alphole."  For all intents and purposes, this is a slightly hipper term to describe a bully, by indicating that he is an @$$#ole who embodies the worse qualities of an alpha male.  It is clear and obvious that not every alpha male is an alphole, so I don't feel it's necessary to state it.  The reason I do not parse my words, or become extra specific,or put up disclaimers to avoid generalizations, is that I simply don't feel the need to soft-pedal this message.  I cannot afford to homogenize and decaffeinate a central theme of this blog to tip-toe around someone else's offense-o-meter.  I cannot change this blog just because someone else doesn't like it.  All I can say for a response is, if you're a friend of mine, you are certainly not an alphole.  If you are not a friend of mine, and honestly have to ask whether you are or aren't one, you need a little bit of self-reflection.

Secondly, they minimize this blog's purpose.  Yes, there are people who suffer from life-threatening illnesses, missing limbs, or have had to rebuild their lives out of complete and utter disasters.  And yes, the subject matter of this blog is about something less than that.  But that doesn't make the following problems irrelevant:

There are still men who lack confidence and self-esteem.

There are still men who need additional development.

There are still men who incorrectly learned to be ruled by their emotions, and not by common sense.

There are still men who have been abused, physically, emotionally, or both.

There are still men who cannot simply "get over it," because they have no idea how.

There are still men who understand how to be good, but receive no recognition for it.

There are still men who are giving and selfless, and are hopelessly taken advantage of because of it.

There are still men who sacrifice their own hopes and dreams to play a part in someone else's show.

There are still men who have screwed up big time.

There are still men who need help, even if they don't want to admit it.

There are still men who want to be happy, and aren't.

There are still men who want to live the life they deserve.

No, none of them are facing impending death.  But some may be dying a slow, painful death.  Self-actualization could easily avert that.

Once again, I invite those who feel this way to voice their opinions here where I can see them.  Otherwise, if you're not in agreement with this blog's purpose, you don't have to read it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Love Yourself More Anyway

Hi All!

The written blog is a little early today.  Just got finished watching (a) the anomaly of a hockey game starting at 12 noon; (b) the first home playoff game my Islanders had in several years; and (c) a frustrating overtime loss.  Much props to my team for showing that they can give a No. 1 seed a run for their money.  However, at this point in the season, there is no one-point-for-an-overtime-loss, it's win or lose.  Let's hope we can make this series 2-2 next game.

It's very easy to hate the Penguins.  It's even easier to hate the refs and the NHL for calling a BS penalty for the apparent protection of Sidney Crosby.  But that apparently doesn't change the final score.  The only way to rise above that is for our boys to win three of the next four games.  I'll let our pundits, prognosticators, and self-appointed experts, explain how that can be done, and await the final result.

You've heard me blog about people we hate, sometimes with rancor and venom, and sometimes with dismissal.  Volumes could be written about those we hate, and then volumes upon volumes.  It remains to be understood how hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, and their resulting rage and fury are so pervasive.  Why is it so much more interesting that positive attitudes?  Why does it sour everything that could be sweet, and why does it soil everything that could be clean?  Why does it take everything that could be happy and make it unpleasant?  Where does it get its power to just ruin damn near everything?  Because the key ingredient to shut it down is missing.

There is a core audience that reads this blog that does not agree with its direction.  I harbor no resentment towards this crowd, because I do actually respect its opinion.  However, I sometimes call it the "I don't care" crowd.  They pride themselves on repeatedly reminding me that they're just so mature, just so developed, and just so self-actualized that they "never" hate anyone, "never" let anyone get to them, and "never" react to the obnoxiousness or rudeness of anyone who challenges them, because it "never" bothers them.  With all due respect to the loyal opposition, I call the accuracy of these statements into question, and present something that rings truer:

(1)  There is nobody, with the possible exception of the Pope and the Dalai Lama, who "never" gets pissed off at someone else or something else.  That's false.  I've known people who are as stoic and solid as the Rock of Gibraltar when people are watching, but then "freak out" worse than anyone else when there's nobody watching.  It's just a lot easier for them to put on a show.

(2)  If this were really true, people would be walking all over the "I don't care" crowd.  It is not apathy, distraction, or "just letting it go" that stops miscreants and jabronies, it's consequences, or the understanding that some will be delivered in the near future, that stops them.

(3)  Expressing anger in the appropriate manner is healthy.  It is mature, it is cathartic, it is pro-active, and it gains respect.  Suppressing anger, and pretending something doesn't bother you when it obviously should, is a recipe for a breakdown.

So what's the alternative?  Simple, really.

(A)  Pick a number that represents the amount of hatred or ill will you have towards somebody.

(B)  Multiply that number by 10.

The total represents how highly you should value yourself, compared to how much you despise all of those others.

My "I don't care" peeps are really saying exactly that, but for some reason, they're saying it in code, and covering it with condescension.  Maybe they think the rest of us can't figure out their secret, but I can.  And maybe they don't think it's the most macho thing to say, but I'm saying it anyway.  I just put their secret "on the record," and they have no recourse against me!

Self-love is the first step towards achieving any goal in life.  A new job, an invention, a business idea, a winning team, a friendship, a relationship, or a marriage.  You really can't fake it like the individuals I've described above.

It's the only way to get over loss, mourning, adverse decisions, unflattering commentary, disapproval or rejection.  The individuals who spew this garbage all over you do it because they don't love you.  If you adopt their attitude, then you don't love yourself either.  People who don't love themselves are lost.

Not too long ago, some criticism of this blog came my way.  This criticism was that this blog was meaningless, because it contained no research, but consisted only of the author's opinion.  Pardon me for pointing out the obvious, but this blog was never advertised as a scholastic term paper or a thesis statement.  It's based on real-life experiences and common-sense observations of life in general, and not on self-serving intellectualism and ivory-tower pomposity.  It is intended for men and boys with low self-esteem, because there are a thousand resources for women who suffer from this issue, but precious little for males who do.  Ironically, it attracted many more female readers, because the messages still resonated with them.

I'm not very happy with this critic's opinion.  However, I love this blog much more than I could ever resent any negative feedback.  It is my contribution to the world around me, independent of my choice of career, and it is a hobby I enjoy even more than my long-distance running.  It is a commitment that I don't compromise.  Instead of looking at the mark the world leaves on me, it's my way of leaving my mark on the world instead.  I'll even go out on a limb and say that I love writing this blog more than I notice how many or how few readers I get.  This blog is mine, and will outlast and endure all criticism and threats.

Do I have some off weeks?  Of course I do.  Am I sometimes running low on ideas?  We all get writer's block.  But this blog still means a great deal to me because it has a consistent message behind it.

Yes peeps, it's been a while since I brought it up, but say it with me:

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Keep on saying it until you love yourself 10 times more than you hate anyone else.  And then say it some more!

Video to follow . . . .

Re-Posting for Father's Day!

Hey People --

As you may have noticed, there have been times in the past I've posted something for a holiday that I think requires a re-posting, rather than re-inventing the wheel, because what it says is just as good now as it was then.  I've tweaked last year's New Day post where I felt necessary, and also added a section of another prior post because it seems like the natural continuation of the first one.

A year and a half ago I heard some distressing news from my Mom. I had already known that Dad had to be taken to the hospital for some sort of stress test, but this took an unexpected turn.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not even have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of the day, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows.  When he did, however, he truly was  the Power Behind The Throne. :)
I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.
As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined.  I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"

I would learn acting skills in later life, but that day, my performance was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.
So I did watch my cartoons, but I did so with a heavy sense of guilt.  Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all.  But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.
He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can.  I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can.  I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby.  But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK.  You really don't have to do everything that I do, because you're your own person."

The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!

From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received.  For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition.

In later life, my father would enlighten me with his simple, almost Daoist wisdom.  As a teenager, sitting at the dinner table, I would sometimes go on my oft-repeated rants over who made me angry and how wrong they were.  In response, Dad would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "David.  Eat your dinner."   At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up.   He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested.   Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly could enjoy the meal instead.

Yes, the past happened, and we were all stuck with it. But through my father's gentle repositioning, I learned projecting it on others around me, all of whom were actively engaged in the present moment, did precious little to help things.  In his own way, he knew I was upset and he wanted me to be happier, but he also knew that dwelling in the anger and enabling feelings of permanent victimhood would not be effective solutions. 

So, I dedicate this reposted and re-edited post to my father.  I'd also like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who accepted this most challenging role, and to thank them for the examples they have always set for their children.  I'd also like to thank my father for the support and encouragement he gave me earlier this year when it was most needed.

Good night, All!

The Envelope, Please

Tonight is the Oscars.  The night when those who have played well their parts get to thank the Academy for its recognition, Billy Crystal tells a lot of jokes, people obsess over what each actress is wearing on the red carpet.  The men, on the other hand, just rent a tuxedo as if it were prom night and go with it.

Everyone nominated is obviously very attractive and very talented.  However, these award shows are completely and entirely subjective.  Which they must be, because there is no objective way to determine which actor or actress or director is truly "better" than the others.

Chances are we may have felt like we got the shaft from some other arbitrary or capricious system:  Maybe a judge or a jury decided against our argument, no matter how right on the money it was.  Maybe the pretty lady you asked out on a date turned you down because you weren't manly/cool/smooth/rich enough, even though you're the best you can be in all of those areas.   Maybe someone flat-out told you they didn't like you.

Most teachers and camp counselors have gotten used to telling little children that even when they lose a game, they still win, just so they won't cry.  As corny and unrealistic as it seems, it's actually similar to what we all need to do for ourselves.  The fact that some system picks someone else instead doesn't mean you should reject yourself!

So tomorrow morning, anyone who's been feeling like they came in second, or that they came up empty-handed somehow, do the following:

(1)  Open an envelope in front of your bathroom mirror;
(2)  Announce that the Oscar goes to [insert your name];
(3)  Give your own acceptance speech.  If it won't make you late for work, go as long as you want.  Include the following:
       (A)  Role models that taught you to believe;
       (B)  Loved ones who returned that love; and
       (C)  Anyone who moved you ahead, or convinced you to move yourself ahead
(4)  Just before you finish, tell everyone who did the opposite of the above that you didn't have time to fit them in, and then rush off the stage!

Good night, all, and don't forget to comment!

Get Up and Go Deep!

Hey All!

We're continuing with our transition from righteous anger at those who've wronged us to satisfaction and self-actualization.  There are miles to go before we rest (ha ha, running humor), but let's get to it.

To expound a little bit on what I've said earlier, once the battle against those is finished (got attacked, responded within 24-hour statute of limitations, told them off, got respect), there's another stage to get past . . . not the just respect of others, but the respect of yourself!

When we have our minds focused on a conflict ahead of us, we think about how to beat our adversary logically and systematically, with just enough anger/fury/rage not to let them get away with anything.  That anger/fury/rage can sometimes mean the difference between a win and a loss, as long as you control the anger, and it doesn't control you.

So what happens when the battle is over?  If we lost, we might be angry with ourselves, and that's when we really get into trouble.  Our opponents can, and should, get angry with us and maybe smear us a little, if they expect to win.  We cannot, and MUST not, do that to ourselves!  We'll be giving our opponents free passes that they never even asked for!!!

As another blogger I've linked to likes to say that we should not be our own worst critics.  Rather, we should be our own biggest fans!  Check his blog at http://www.personal-development-for-men.com/personal-development-blog.html

That doesn't mean we shouldn't be objective about our weaknesses and mistakes, and that we shouldn't learn from them.  It means that we should be tough on our opponents, and gentle and forgiving with ourselves.  It means we don't whip ourselves like that albino monk in The DaVinci Code!  It means if we get knocked down, we don't smack ourselves in the head for letting it happen, chew ourselves out for being stupid, or think about how wrong we are.  It means WE GET UP!!!!

We've already learned that bullying is wrong and bullies should be punished -- but now that we've gotten up, and gotten past that, we keep going.  We get ready for what's next, stronger and wiser.  We aim our anger that way, not back this way!

And what, pray tell, do we do if there's actually not a fight in front of us?  No opponent to dismantle, no argument to refute, and no emperor to overthrow?  No argument to win, no besmircher to resmirch, and no jabroni to layeth the smacketh down upon?

Does it even happen that way????   YES, PEOPLE IT DOES MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK!  Not everything is a fight!

So what then?  You smile.  You laugh.  You tell jokes!  If you're like me, you do impressions too, because they're a riot!

You get your friends and have a rockin' good time!  You talk to your family and talk about everything that's going right, and save the depressing crapola for another time!  If you have someone special in your life, you show them that they're special because you know they're special, with prompting or reminders! 

And if you don't have someone special, and would like one, let it happen!  That doesn't mean going to clubs and showing off your Rico Suaveness if you're not comfortable doing so (if you are, don't let me stop you, but please!)  It means that you present yourself with confidence and respect in everything you do, even the way you get lunch from the deli or zip onto the subway before the doors close.  It means you don't throw hissy fits if the train is late or if people annoy you.  Just put your best foot forward without being a "desperado," as my sister calls guys who "desperately" need women, and you'll get one!  And once you get one, make it worth your while!

It's two very simple methods. During wartime, GET UP, and in peace, GO DEEP!

Feel free to comment, and let's go JETS!!!!

In fact, don't only comment, but give me a high sign and a vote of confidence.  I know I've got my regular readers out there, thank you very much, but unless someone hits the "like" button on Facebook, I've got no clue that my stuff is well received.  What would you like to read more of?  Is my shift from rebellion against abuse to living with self-respect a welcome one?  And more importantly, where are my young men and boys that I want to read this stuff?

Help a guy out -- thanks!

For Those Who Work Hard

Today is Labor Day.  Many of us had the day off from our usual occupations, to honor and respect the American worker.  Since I was one of them, I postponed this week's blog until now.

I'd like to say a few words about those who labor, and the respect they deserve.

There is a group of friends that I sorely miss.  They live in my hometown on Long Island, and they raise their families together, sharing good times and bad, and sometimes sharing profit and loss.  Had Hurricane Irene not rained on our parades, I would have sojourned out to the Island to wish Happy Birthday to my godson and his older brother, and to acknowledge that they will both become big brothers this winter.

When I think about hard work, the image of these boys' father pops into my head.  I have known him since we were both in the first grade.

When we were in high school, he played hard more than he worked hard.  If you knew him, you'd see he was a star.  Every guy wanted to be him, know him, or hang with him.  Every woman . . . he should be the one to finish that sentence, and not me.  :)  He was the coolest, the hippest, the funnest, and the savviest.  Point being, he brought good times with him everywhere he went, and elevated everything he touched. 

Since high school ended, this man's time to play hard also ended.  However, he replaced that effort with his capacity to work hard, which he has done ever since.  He is an expert electrician and cable installer. His knowledge requires him to traverse the entire tri-state area to wherever his work is needed, so he may support his family.  He also can handle every type of home improvement issue that suburban life can throw at a man.  And he never, and I mean never, complains about how difficult or uncomfortable it is.  In fact, even while working harder than he did as a teen, he still has that attitude that elevates everything he touches.  As a father of two, soon to be three, boys, this is the right example to emulate.

What does this mean for the rest of us?  Transference of attitude, I think.  Many of us get lazy and start complaining over our job conditions.  We tend to do so with no idea of how much worse it could be if our jobs were suddenly taken away from us, which does happen in this economy.  We are better off taking pride in the work we do and the profit it brings us.  If many of us worked the way my friend does, we might not think of it as easy.  He probably doesn't either.  You wouldn't know that, though, because he carries himself through his work as if he were still in high school.  Still laughing, cracking jokes, and showing grace under pressure when things were rough -- much the same way he did when confronted with an overzealous disciplinarian in the old academic days.  Maintaining this same posture towards adversity and difficulty is what sets him apart from other men, now and then. 

The Four Pillars tell us that we exist, matter, belong, and deserve.  They don't tell us that we are spoiled, or that effort is beneath us.  Although he's brought this attitude to work and fun long before yours truly typed out the Four Pillars, he's actually been applying them better than most people I know.  He makes himself an integral part of every project he's on, and earns respect on top of remuneration.  Such is the manner that each of us should approach our job and/or business, should we hope to succeed.

However, the spotlight does not only belong to him this week.  Although this blog is primarily meant to provide motivation for men and boys with low self-esteem, it has come to my attention that most of the people who follow this blog are female.  Not to pander or glad-hand, but in the interests of further increasing traffic, I'd like to show the example of a woman I know who works just as hard as this man, if not more.

She is a single mother of three daughters.  She was in a marriage that was not doing her family or herself any good.  She took the risk of not only ending the marriage, but also moving her family clear across the country for a better life.  This move required her to work, and to work hard once she arrived there.

This move required her to make sacrifices.  Life got less comfortable than it had been previously, and sacrifices had to be made that required her and her girls to give up the creature comforts they had previously enjoyed.  Despite it all, on she presses.

Not everyone in her family or circle of friends agreed with this decision. Some of them gave her a cold shoulder, and others reneged on promises made. Even with so much unfairness of things, she worked two jobs, or one with additional hours, so that her girls could have what passes for a normal life. She has also moved on from the remnants of her marriage to find love and respect from a man who recognizes her and loves her for who she is. She is now the modern-day embodiment of the protagonist of Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage and Her Children."

This woman has also used the Four Pillars without realizing it. Despite the fear, doubt, and rejection that came her way, she knows that she plays an indispensable role. She plays the primary caregiver role for her family, teaching her girls the values of self-reliance and discipline. She reminds them to learn from her example of the right choices to make and the mistakes to avoid. She teaches them that even if they may hate the decisions she makes, they are done out of love and concern first and foremost.

So let's all remember the American worker. If there were no blue-collar workers, we'd all be living in tents. If there were no white collar workers, we'd be living in anarchy. If there were no green-collar workers, our environment would be deadly. And if nobody worked, we couldn't live.

Have a good week getting back to work and school, all. And don't forget to comment, like, and follow on Facebook and Twitter!