Indifferent Detachment

Hey All - about to start a week's vacation, but not before sharing my newest thoughts with you all!

There's a new meme going around social media.  It asks the question, "Have You Ever Just Lost All Respect For Someone?  You Don't Hate Them, But You Have No Desire To Speak With Them?"

If you've lived, and conversed with people, the answer would have to be yes.  Even our more outgoing cousins, who are fraaaaaands with everyone, have seen this happen.

It's not really something to celebrate or advertise, because it's still stating that you have a low opinion of someone else.  And whether you like someone or you don't like someone, they must still be respected as another human being.  However, if it is necessary to remove someone from your life, it shouldn't really be shunned either.

Let's say you're a boss.  You want people who help run the business and make it even more successful than it already is.  But what if there are people doing the opposite?  People who show no respect for what's needed and don't care about their jobs?  If they do it badly enough, you need to let them go.

The phrase, "it's not personal, it's just business, often comes to mind."  You don't hate them as people, perhaps, but you can't have them working for you anymore.

The same approach is needed to those you choose to have in your social circles.  If they're not "doing their jobs" as Friends and Neighbors (family included), you need to let them go too.  Not the teeth-gnashing, finger pointing, high-conflict approach, of course - we're not animals - just letting them go from their position, simply and professionally.  Their services are no longer needed.

It doesn't have to be a Hollywood movie scene, either.  We're not characters, we're real people.

Once it's over, you don't keep re-hashing what they did do and what they didn't do that led to this firing.  That problem has already been resolved.  You wish them well on their way, and keep going on the path you've chosen without them.

And once they've reached that point, odds are better than likely that Our Mother has seen what they've done.  It's not our job to seek retribution, no matter how justified it might seem, it's Hers.  Trust in Her to attribute just the right consequences to their actions - Her job, period.

More than that, life is simply too short to think about those we don't love any more than necessary.  And it gets even shorter when we mimic their snark, their arrogance, and their b*tchiness.  So let's not, and trade those thoughts for those who do love us.

But youuuu-uuu're living in an echo chamber!  But youuuu-uuuuu're not getting reality without people "just being honest" with you!

That may very well be your truth.  Let's keep it that way.  We don't do high conflict in here.  Find somewhere else where that's welcome.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

When To Let It Go.

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying the AFC/NFC Championship games -- sometimes they're more exciting than the Super Bowl itself!

One weakness that we as Betas have that makes us less Bold is our propensity to dwell on things.  We make mistakes and beat ourselves up for it.  We get so nervous and upset when being confronted that we don't come up with the good idea, or the crushing comeback, or the winning argument, until after the window to do so has closed.  We relieve negative experiences so many times that we don't actually realize they're over.

We assail and curse the misdeeds of the alpholes because they have no moral compass whatsoever.  Unfortunately, this deplorable trait enables them to get over their mistakes and transgressions lightning-fast. So fast, in fact, that they already have an excuse, alibi, or beyss story to cover themselves without a thought.  As much as it pains me to say it, this is something it pays to do because no amount of guilt, second-guessing, or self-flagellation ever solves a problem.

So how do we do it?  

(1).  If you know that someone has been hurt or wronged by something you did, apologize, once and only once, as soon as possible.  If you can, make it right.  Then, it's over.  If they don't accept your apology, or they start haranguing you, guilt tripping you, or go on an all-out critic-fest, walk away.  Some people are too self-righteous for their own good and have a sorry need to bash others to make themselves feel good, and are quick to justify it as "only being honest."  Their need to run their mouths is not a directive to self-immolate.  Shut it out and leave them with their grudges.

(2).  If you made a mistake, even a painful one, learn from it.  It's ok to stop feeling bad about it, provided you find ways to prevent it from happening again.  And guess what - the more exposure you have to whatever caused that mistake, the more opportunities you have to get better.  And better.  And even better than that!  But if you beat yourself up, you're condemned to screw it up again every time because your confidence is shot.

(3).  If someone else did you wrong, think about the example of the unforgiving type in Example (1).  Is that how a Bold Beta acts?  Nasty and critical?  Stuck up and self-righteous?  Mouthy and moronic?  That's not our way.  I'm not saying you should shake their hand and say all is forgiven - they might think you're "cool with it" and keep doing it all the time.  But I am saying that we need to be the opposite of those high-conflict types who need to give you a dressing down.  Control the anger.  Armor your heart.  Detach yourself.  And consider either removing the individual who wronged you from your life, or taking actions to minimize your exposure to their future wrongdoing.  Chances are, they may be just as inhuman and imperfect as you are, and are unlikely to make that mistake again.  If not, boot 'em.

(4). If you really are that unhappy with someone else, find a way to tell them when it's actually happening.  If they're decent at all, they'll apologize and it'll end.  If they're not, they'll give you a million excuses, and you'll dismiss them.  And instead of giving them unlimited free passes, start telling them that it's not ok.  That way you won't have to "tolerate" them, or feel bad about missing your chance to set a boundary.

Yes, it's ok to stop feeling bad, angry, resentful, guilty, or stupid.  If it's your bad, try to make it good.  If others think they're better than you and keep pointing fingers, forget them.  If it's their bad, make them see why.  If they can't own it, then own your dignity and dismiss them.  Bottom line, take actions to prevent negative feelings from remaining.  And most importantly, if they do remain, dispose of them.  Feeling bad solves nothing.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.