Change The Programming

Hey All - Happy 1st Day of May!

The reason why we face the struggles we do is that we don't alter our responses to certain stimuli.  Sometimes bullying and abuse continues because they notice your response, expect it, and we unfortunately deliver as expected. 

If that response isn't delivering the result you want, why continue it?  If it isn't working, why not fix it?  If it just reinforces things you don't want in life, why accept them?

(1).  Something Pissing You Off?

   (A).  Think how you'd act if you weren't pissed off.  You'd be controlled.  You'd be smart.  You'd be a winner.

   (B).  Look how you're about to act.  Out of control.  Raw emotion.  Like a loose cannon.

   (C).  Which would you rather use, even if you are that pissed off?

(2).  Something From The Past Bugging You?

   (A).  How?  It's over.  It's not happening now.  Feeling bad about doesn't change anything about what happened.

   (B).  Why?  Because you feel guilty?  Because you were mistaken?  Because the usual wiseasses say shit about it?  That's not a death sentence, despite what it must feel like.

   (C).  What if you could just scan that crap, shred the original document, file it away, and not even look at it?  And if it takes up too much space, set a timer to delete it?

(3).  Something Coming Soon You're Worried About?

   (A).  Is it happening right this minute?  Is it guaranteed to be a bad thing?  Is there a possibility, large or small, that what can happen is a good thing?
   (B).  If there is a possibility that it could be "mayyyyyybe something good, mayyyyyybe something bad," as they used to say on Ren & Stimpy, wouldn't it be better to think about the favorable outcome?
   (C).  Isn't Before Better?  Isn't this a chance to better prepare for what's coming?  And wouldn't that be a little more constructive that just plain worrying?

I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating:  Our brains are programmed much the way computers and smartphones are.  If we want to change the way these devices are programmed, we have to reboot them, upgrade them, or sometimes get completely new devices.  If we want to change the way our brains are programmed, the steps we take are actually much easier.

The only reason why it seems harder is because it requires constant repetition.  The same way schoolchildren have to learn things by rote, by constant reminders of what they need to know, we have to learn how to change our thoughts and habits be reminding ourselves to do it every day.  Even if we don't feel like it.  Even if it's annoying.  Even if it's a pain in the ass.  We Must Make Ourselves Do It Anyway.

Our adversaries expect us to fold and worry because they derive pleasure from it.  No, they shouldn't do that, but they still do.  So prove their expectations to be wrong.  Fake them out.  School 'em.  Boot 'em.  Show them that nothing they do . . . not One Damn Thing . . . can make us feel bad about ourselves, make us run away, or make us feel like we're less than them.  I don't care how LOUD they talk, how MUCH they show off, or how many fraaaaaaands they claim to have.  They don't make the rules, and they don't tell you that you're less than they are.  No matter what.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND NOTHING CHANGES THAT.

Pause If You Must, But Never Wallow

Hey All - Happy Passover to those that celebrate.

It is impossible to advance in life without meeting obstacles and setbacks.  However, it's way too easy that this means "game over" instead of "handle it."

We Betas, being as sensitive as we are, often need time to reflect when confronted with such difficulty. Maybe we have to deal with anger, sadness, worry, anxiety, or a big stack of fear.  And sometimes a time out is needed to process that.

However, it's a very limited time out.  You can't do it forever.  You'll risk paralyzing yourself with doubt, guilt, or other stumbling blocks.  You'll be immobilized with hatred and contempt, and they'll chain you in a self-made prison.  You'll be stuck living in the past.

How to avoid this?

(1).  Schedule a Time.  Maybe when you first wake up, maybe when you first lie down.  Maybe a minute, maybe an hour, but keep it far away from anything else you need to do.  We don't need this getting in the way.

(2).  Use It Wisely.  Don't just ruminate, obsess, or wallow.  Ask WHY it's bad.  WHY it bothers you.  WHY it's wrong.  And follow them up with some good BECAUSES.

(3).  Contain It.  Resolve not to let these thoughts dominate you.  You still have a life to lead, and you don't owe it to anyone that wants you to feel bad.

But look what yoooooooou did!   But look what yooooooou didn't do!  But you were wrooooong!  But you screwed uuuuuuup!  I'm just sayinnnnnnn'!

Hear that?  If that voice is coming from a real live person, you can be Bulletproof and block it without letting them get under your skin.  That's not always easy to do.  But if it's coming from inside your head, then it's very easy to shut it down, by comparison.  You can mute, censor, reject, and silence that drivel anytime you choose.  You just haven't yet because it's become a habit.  But if you choose to inoculate yourself from these parasitic thoughts, you absolutely can.  Contain them, shred them, reject them, and dispose of them.

You don't own other people's behavior, actions, choices, or thoughts.  But you have exclusive domain over all of the above for yourself.  Handle them like it matters!  Don't let these things beat you.  Wrap them up in a bow and Fedex them outta here!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

When To Let It Go.

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying the AFC/NFC Championship games -- sometimes they're more exciting than the Super Bowl itself!

One weakness that we as Betas have that makes us less Bold is our propensity to dwell on things.  We make mistakes and beat ourselves up for it.  We get so nervous and upset when being confronted that we don't come up with the good idea, or the crushing comeback, or the winning argument, until after the window to do so has closed.  We relieve negative experiences so many times that we don't actually realize they're over.

We assail and curse the misdeeds of the alpholes because they have no moral compass whatsoever.  Unfortunately, this deplorable trait enables them to get over their mistakes and transgressions lightning-fast. So fast, in fact, that they already have an excuse, alibi, or beyss story to cover themselves without a thought.  As much as it pains me to say it, this is something it pays to do because no amount of guilt, second-guessing, or self-flagellation ever solves a problem.

So how do we do it?  

(1).  If you know that someone has been hurt or wronged by something you did, apologize, once and only once, as soon as possible.  If you can, make it right.  Then, it's over.  If they don't accept your apology, or they start haranguing you, guilt tripping you, or go on an all-out critic-fest, walk away.  Some people are too self-righteous for their own good and have a sorry need to bash others to make themselves feel good, and are quick to justify it as "only being honest."  Their need to run their mouths is not a directive to self-immolate.  Shut it out and leave them with their grudges.

(2).  If you made a mistake, even a painful one, learn from it.  It's ok to stop feeling bad about it, provided you find ways to prevent it from happening again.  And guess what - the more exposure you have to whatever caused that mistake, the more opportunities you have to get better.  And better.  And even better than that!  But if you beat yourself up, you're condemned to screw it up again every time because your confidence is shot.

(3).  If someone else did you wrong, think about the example of the unforgiving type in Example (1).  Is that how a Bold Beta acts?  Nasty and critical?  Stuck up and self-righteous?  Mouthy and moronic?  That's not our way.  I'm not saying you should shake their hand and say all is forgiven - they might think you're "cool with it" and keep doing it all the time.  But I am saying that we need to be the opposite of those high-conflict types who need to give you a dressing down.  Control the anger.  Armor your heart.  Detach yourself.  And consider either removing the individual who wronged you from your life, or taking actions to minimize your exposure to their future wrongdoing.  Chances are, they may be just as inhuman and imperfect as you are, and are unlikely to make that mistake again.  If not, boot 'em.

(4). If you really are that unhappy with someone else, find a way to tell them when it's actually happening.  If they're decent at all, they'll apologize and it'll end.  If they're not, they'll give you a million excuses, and you'll dismiss them.  And instead of giving them unlimited free passes, start telling them that it's not ok.  That way you won't have to "tolerate" them, or feel bad about missing your chance to set a boundary.

Yes, it's ok to stop feeling bad, angry, resentful, guilty, or stupid.  If it's your bad, try to make it good.  If others think they're better than you and keep pointing fingers, forget them.  If it's their bad, make them see why.  If they can't own it, then own your dignity and dismiss them.  Bottom line, take actions to prevent negative feelings from remaining.  And most importantly, if they do remain, dispose of them.  Feeling bad solves nothing.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Checking Privilege

Ahhh, what a beautiful Sunday afternoon -- I'm writing the first outdoor blog of the season!

In the past several years, there has been some talk in the "regular" media and social media demanding that some people "check their privilege."  I respectfully disagree.

You've seen me, time and time again, write about the destructive evils of bullying.  To me it's quite literally the path to the dark side.  My two-fold solution to this problem has been for us Bold Betas to, in a nutshell, become Bold and Bulletproof so that we can withstand any attack against us; and for those who perpetrate bullying to be taught how to be behave.  When this is accomplished, we Bold Betas reach self-actualization through a disciplined course of emotional maturity, and those who perpetrate bullying learn to stop being aggressive when they shouldn't be, and to be only aggressive when they absolutely must be.

But as Bold Betas, we are not only easy targets for bullying, we are also easy targets for shaming.  Stereotypically speaking, we are expected to be always-forgiving, non-assertive, docile, compliant, and consistently accommodating to others.  If we have something of value that others lack, we are faced with pointing fingers and clucking tongues that admonish us for not being "beta enough."  If we come from a background that provided us with some slight advantage that strengthened us, we are slammed and criticized for not being "open minded" enough to understand someone else's plight, and we are expected to believe that the others' disadvantages somehow make them morally superior to us. 

Gentlemen:  Don't fall for this.

Whatever "privileges" we have are strengths, and not weaknesses.  Unlike the overly-aggressive types, we do not use our strengths to cause harm to those who have less than we do.  We do rub our accomplishments in others' faces.  We do not shove people around with whatever confidence we have.  If we are Bold and Bulletproof, we use these "privileges" wisely in order to make our lives better.  These is nothing at all wrong with doing that.

Not to mention, if we choose to help those who lack what we have, on our own volition, and without being guilted or shamed into doing so, this is also using our "privileges" wisely.  

It is only when these "privileges" are intentionally used to harm others that they need to be "checked," and not just because someone is angry that they don't have them.  By the same token, it seems to me that these finger-pointers and shame-artists need to "check" their desire to judge and blame.  How much better can their lives be if all they do is "rage against the gods," like the antihero of an ancient Greek tragedy, instead of overcoming their disadvantages, as we do?

Never be ashamed of who you are.  Never minimize your accomplishments.  Never be less proud of yourself just because someone else has not accomplished what you've done.

Conversely, don't get a swelled head.  Don't attack those who have less than you.  Don't be like the overly-aggressive types that I've spoken out against.  Don't insult, disparage, or judge those who did not make the same choices you did.  This way, when they demand that you "check your privilege," you can truthfully say that there's nothing to check.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Raw Deals

Hey all, about that time.  We're now beginning the Book of Exodus!

Joseph may have been the Man in Egypt, but his time ended.  A few generations passed, and the Hebrews grew fruitful and multiplied, as commanded.  But then new leadership took over, and felt threatened by the fruitfulness and enslaved them.  When that didn't keep them in line, he ruled that all newborn Hebrew males must be drowned in the Nile.

Moses, son of a Levite, was spared this cruel fate by being sent down the Nile in a wicker basket, to be discovered by the Pharaoh's daughter, who raised him as her own.  But instead of reveling in Egyptian power like Joseph did, Moses killed an Egyptian taskmaster he saw beating a slave, and became an urban legend among the other slaves for this actions, meaning he had to flee to Midian.

While he was hiding out, G-D appeared to Moses as a burning bush at Mount Horeb and chooses him to free the slaves from Egypt.  He will go in G-D's name, explain this to the Hebrew elders, and explain that the Hebrews will be freed from slavery and given the land currently occupied by the Canaanites.  He also assured Moses that he need not fear what the Egyptians might do, because He'll handle them.  Pharaoh, similar to bullies of later generations, did not back off from anything unless it was stronger than him, so G-D would be Moses' muscle.  And He'd get the average Egyptian to start sympathizing with the slaves, too!

And just to prove Who was making it all happened, He showed a few "signs and wonders."  Moses still felt reluctant to take this job, as a "man of few words," but G-D told him to not even sweat it, He would give Moses the words, but if he'd rather use a mouthpiece anyway, He'll tap his long-lost brother Aaron into service.  And don't worry about everyone who wanted to nail you for killing that taskmaster, the statute has run, so nobody's going to hold that against you.

So he and Aaron give the good news to the Hebrews, and put on the signs & wonders show, and they give them credence.  They then ask Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go out for three days into the wilderness to sacrifice to G-D.  Pharaoh not only shuts them down, he directs the slave to make bricks without providing them with the straw needed to do so.

Moses asks G-D why He allowed Pharaoh to hurt the Hebrews, and G-D says, "Just wait."

Sometimes we find ourselves with a goal or mission that makes little sense to others.  Sometimes our reasoning looks crazy or stupid to those who think they know it all, and don't.  But if you know for a fact that something is right, you do yourself a disservice when you hold back.

When Moses complained that he'd rather have someone else actually do the talking in Pharaoh's Court, the text indicates that G-D was angry with him for making that request.  He had no problem talking with his fists when he killed a taskmaster to protect a slave, why is he getting scared to actually speak to Pharaoh?  Possibly because that current Pharaoh grew up with him in the palace, and might be less receptive to his new role?  Maybe because somebody could recognize his voice and say, "Why should we believe that this murderer is carrying a message from a foreign deity?"  Either way, this was a big blunder on Moses' part, because he let guilt and fear from the past immobilize him.  

He may have had a prior station in life that he had to give up for a good reason.  But it was still his calling to free those same people for whom he killed to protect.  Instead of realizing that his sense of justice, which led him to take a life, had come full circle, as he was now about to protect the entire Hebrew nation, instead of just one slave.  But he was too scared to take on this role, so he had to have his own personal spokesman.

Not to get off on a tangent, but this reminds me of those situations where a family is involved in a newsworthy story, and who speaks to the media?  A "family spokesperson."  More often than not, this "family spokesperson" doesn't even have the same name as the family.  And more often than not, this "family spokesperson" is defensive and abrasive, and forever demands that the media just "leave the family alone," knowing full well that this demand does not make the story less newsworthy.  The "family spokesperson" does nothing but prevent the real parties to the story from making an appearance, and serves as a confirmation that the actual "family" are cowards who will not speak for themselves.

Not everyone stays cool and calm when visited by a forgotten diety who makes clear demands and scares you a little bit so you'll know He's real.  Moses gets some credit because of that, but he could have grown enough courage to agree to challenge Pharaoh on his own, without Aaron as a "spokesperson," especially after G-D promised to protect him from anything that Pharaoh would try to do.  This may explain why G-D allowed Pharaoh to tighten his grip on the Hebrews a little bit . . . if you doubt yourself, you'll lose ground, but if you trust yourself, you'll advance.

And so, my Beta Brothers, take this story from the beginning of Exodus to heart.  As cute, adorable, and comfortable as it may be to be a reluctant and unassuming leader, it is far better in the long run to be a confident one.  You can still be a nice guy, but try being nice and assertive simultaneously -- it really can be done!

Go Your Way . . . .