Changing The Mood, But Not Losing Focus

Hey All!  Just watched the Jets start their season at 1-0.  

I'm a little surprised that I haven't posted in a month, but I consider it a vacation.  Sometimes that's needed.  In my case, a little time away from the blog was needed to "change the mood."

This blog is designed to be a motivating force for men and boys who lack confidence.  In order to get over that hump, a manageable amount of anger is needed to make lasting changes.  After all, nobody becomes bold or bulletproof by doing nothing.  I am encouraging my audience to be just angry enough to stop allowing themselves to be hurt, and to build the kind of life and self that they choose to have, rather than what others foist on them.

But for next while, I'd like to focus on what comes after we achieve what those powerful bursts of anger brought us - happiness.

As beta males, we are geared towards situations where it is not necessary to keep our guard up. We crave people and places that make us feel comfortable.  We yearn for those who accept us and respect us.  For those of you out there who doubt that a reward like this exists, I can tell you for a fact that it most certainly does.  You most certainly can find love and respect.  

When you find it, you cherish it.  You express that time-honored beta tradition of gratitude.  You act like it matters.  And provided you get the same joy out of it, you make them happy too.

Even after that, you're still not done.

In every comic book story and action movie that boys digest, the hero wins the prize and rides off into the sunset.  In real life, that sunset doesn't show up for many years after that single victory, and the closing credits don't roll until the carving on your headstone is completed.

This is not minimizing the prize that's been won, of course.  But you don't win a lifetime a leisure and indulgence from just one victory.  There are more prizes to be taken, and more battles to be won!  

So how do we maintain that joy of winning while still remaining vigilant?  Simple discipline.  Let the fact that you proved something to yourself add a little something extra to all your usual tasks.  A little zip, if you will.  It's not such drudgery when you've got happiness behind you.  Don't let it interfere with the present moment, instead let it make the present moment more enjoyable.

Don't assume that it's your last great act.  Add to it.  Stack it.  Expand it.  Pimp it.  Trick it.  Always look to improve it somehow.  That way it'll continue to be enjoyable and never get stale.

In other words, after you win the prize, take care of it.  Very good care.  You'll be proud of it.

And now, the first full week of September!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Oscar Night!

Hey All!  Hope you've all battened down the hatches for the next snowstorm -- which is apparently showing up later than expected, immobilizing some of us who are geared towards additional, if not unnecessary, preparedness.

But most importantly, it's Oscar Night.  The motion picture industry, also known as Hollywood, takes this opportunity to celebrate itself, and to honor the performances and productions that have exceeded all others in the past year.

The highlight of this evening is always the acceptance speech.  The nominee chosen, be it best actor, actress, director, or producer, will show elation and exuberance, tempered by a small amount of respect and humility.  For some of them, notwithstanding how cliche this ritual has become, for some of these winners, it truly is the greatest moment of their lives.  This is an acknowledgment that something that took all of their blood, sweat, and tears, is recognized as being exceptional, above-board, and worthy of a golden prize.  Yes, they sometimes go on too long, because there are always "so many people to thank," and there is always "get off the stage" music to prompt them off, but this is jokingly accepted as part of the show.

A fellow blogger once told me that we should live our lives as if we're the writer, director, producer, and star of our own movie.  I'd like to borrow that concept.

As beta males, we are sometimes told that we are stuck with our lot in life.  WRONG.  As the head screenwriter, you can come up with a story that proves this cop-out otherwise.

As beta males, we sometimes lack vision.  As the producer of our own movie, we have no other choice but to have a vision.  What does this movie look like?  What happens in the next scene?  What would the audience enjoy seeing?  What would YOU enjoy seeing?

As beta males, leadership roles to not come us naturally.  But as director of our own movie, we have to become leaders in one way or another.  How are we going to make these things happen?  What do we need to make things happen?  What is our plan?  What would you LIKE to plan?

As beta males, we have been deceived into believing that we are suited only for supporting roles.   Oh please!  You are the star of this movie, and don't anyone else tell you otherwise.  This story is all about you, nobody else, and don't you forget it!

You can re-write the script at any time.  You can ad-lib.  You can change locations.  You can change characters.  Oh right, that reminds me, you're also the casting director.  That means you get to pick who is in this movie, and who's not!  NEVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO DO THIS AT ANY TIME DURING PRODUCTION!

And while you're working on this movie, imagine . . . wouldn't you like this film to win an Oscar?  Or several?  Wouldn't you want people to recognize what's in your movie, and applaud it?  Wouldn't you like the story to be inspiring?  The acting to be not just believable, but real?  A production that people would be willing to stand in line to see?

Make your own movie, and make it a winner.  True, you may be nominated and not actually win the award, but make it a winner anyway.  And you'll know it's a winner if you're living like a winner.

That's my piece, everyone.  Enjoy the Oscars!

More Prizes To Be Taken and Glory To Be Found

For many Olympic athletes, tonight is the end of a lifetime of training and focus towards victory.  Some of them met and exceeded their own expectations, and some came up slightly short. We did have Ali Raisman win a gold medal and dedicate it to the memory of the fallen Israeli athletes of 1972 -- showing more class than the administration even attempted.  We also had Michael Phelps finish off his career in style, the women's soccer team avenging last year's World Cup loss, and the Redeem Team -- well -- redeem itself!  Not to mention, our super-amazing track & field medalists!  :)

But we also had Mackayla Maroney come so close, but just not have her best day.  And we also had Marathon Meb Keflezighi come just short of medaling behind two Kenyans (expected) and a Ugandan (huh?).  And on his way to the history books, our boy Phelps also wound up collecting two silvers and failing to medal in one event.

As I stated at the start of these Games, the honor is not actually meant for the eventual winners, but for those who competed at their best level.  So for all those who did, much respect and admiration.

But as is the case with the rest of us, life goes on after the torch is extinguished and everyone packs up and moves out of the Olympic Village.  Back to their home countries, back to their families, back to start their lives again.

(holy hole, I think I'm morphing into my parents -- this is exactly what they would tell me whenever something was over.  NO chance to post-mortem, NO review and recap, NO post-game show, NOTHING of the sort, when it was over it was OVER, stop talking about it and go to bed.)

Well, without morphing into my folks, it's better to move on from these experiences, win or lose, before they hold you back.  Yes, our Redeem Team will brag about their gold medals throughout the NBA season, much to the chagrin of their teammates from other lands.  And yes, Phelps still needs to make $$$ from his endorsement deals.  But since these games only happen every four years (every two years, counting the Winter Games), they're forced to move on to other pursuits.

And so must we.  As sports fans, we must switch gears to the pennant race in baseball (Let's Go Yan-Kees!), the start of the football season (J! E! T! S! JETS! JETS! JETS!), and training camp for hockey (Go Isles, Please Don't Move)!

In my game, once a case is over, it gets closed up.  That's not including the question of whether something can be appealed, or whether settlement negotiations are needed.  I mean when it's OVER, it's over.  It's not kept in a library for reference, it's not left in an office taking up space, it's OVER.   Taken to storage, maintained for record keeping purposes for seven years, and then shredded. 

And so it should be.  This weekend, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that he was "so detached from the past & so focused in the present moment, that it almost feels like my past was a 'past life.'"  I've blogged before about moving on, etc., but that quote indicates that the speaker no longer needs to keep reminding himself to do so.  He's already gotten his head screwed on straight, and is looking at what's on his plate in front of him, that whatever was on his place yesterday is a nearly-forgotten fantasy.  If my folks ever met this guy, they'd shake his hand just for saying that!

Obviously, our lives are going in one direction, much like athletes running a marathon or a tri -- if you turn around and go back towards the starting line, you will not finish.  Much like our athletes who did their best and came home empty-handed, now is the time to learn and reinforce the lessons learned from what happened, and not to bemoan what might have been and wasn't.  Rather than kicking yourself for zigging when you should have zagged, for choosing this move instead of the other, or not being cool and smooth enough so that pole vaulter from New Zealand would've gone on a date with you, just don't repeat whatever mistakes were made. 

Have a good night, all.  Don't forget to comment!

The Olympic Ideal

The Olympics are well under way, and medals have already been awarded.  Looks like these Games will be remembered favorably.

This would be a fine opportunity to remember the words of Baron Pierre de Coubertin, the founder of the IOC and of the modern Olympic Games.  He is quoted as saying:

"The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle, the essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."

Given how advanced each athlete must be at their chosen event, it's obvious that every Olympic athlete would have had to earn several triumphs in order to compete to begin with.  Nevertheless, the Baron's philosophy still holds water. 

Too many people think that winning is all that matters, and nothing less is acceptable.  To adopt this as your reality means you have committed yourself to the self-fulfilling failure known as perfectionism, which is a complete fallacy.  Winning is obviously the goal of every game, sport, endeavor or venture that is undertaken.  But that doesn't mean that you can never lose, and it doesn't mean that losing is a failure in and of itself.

The Baron didn't say this directly, but since he was an educator, I think he may have been implying that to lose is to learn a lesson.  It is only from failures and setbacks that we learn about ourselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience must follow from bad judgment. Also, to know that you've given everything you could give towards your goal is already a victory, even without the prize being awarded.

Maybe he was also implying that even when you perform your best, your opponent might still know something you don't, may still be a little faster or stronger than you, or maybe just wants it a little bit more than you do.  Given that, there's a chance that your opponent might win and you might lose, but that doesn't mean you give up the ship so soon.  You still play as hard as you can, and go for a win anyway.  Even if you come away with the silver medal, even the winner gets all the "spoils," and even if the crowd forgets your name as soon as they leave the arena, you still know deep down that you've won anyway. 

The quote, "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" was incorrectly attributed to Vince Lombardi, Hall of Fame football coach.  This was later found to be incorrect because Lombardi did not want his players to rely upon opponents' mistakes to coast their way to "ugly wins."  He actually told his players that nobody can achieve perfection, but "when we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."  This means that you prepare the best way you can, train as hard as you can, and envision yourself winning, even if you might not. 

Record books and historians are not kind to those who don't win, but you still can be.  Maybe there's a game that you've played recently that did not result in the victory you wanted.  Maybe there's a prize you wanted that went to someone else.  Or maybe there was something that you wanted so bad that you did everything to get it, and you still failed somehow.  Forget that result, and congratulate yourself on what you did to try to achieve it.  You did everything in your power to get it, and it simply wasn't meant to be. 

Don't post-mortem.  Don't second-guess.  And PLEASE do not beat yourself up no matter how bad you feel!  That was your opponent's job, and they've finished doing it.  They won a prize for it, but  you won't!  Why add to their work at your own expense?

So even though we all want Team USA to win gold in just about everything, they won't.  And even if some of our athletes are not on the highest rung of the medal stand, remember their efforts anyway.  The fact that they competed for our country to begin with already makes them winners.  And don't forget those athletes from other nations who complete against Team USA -- they might not all be NBA All-Stars, but they've made it their central goal to win anyway.  Respect that.

Enjoy the Games, peeps.  Comments welcome.

The Envelope, Please

Tonight is the Oscars.  The night when those who have played well their parts get to thank the Academy for its recognition, Billy Crystal tells a lot of jokes, people obsess over what each actress is wearing on the red carpet.  The men, on the other hand, just rent a tuxedo as if it were prom night and go with it.

Everyone nominated is obviously very attractive and very talented.  However, these award shows are completely and entirely subjective.  Which they must be, because there is no objective way to determine which actor or actress or director is truly "better" than the others.

Chances are we may have felt like we got the shaft from some other arbitrary or capricious system:  Maybe a judge or a jury decided against our argument, no matter how right on the money it was.  Maybe the pretty lady you asked out on a date turned you down because you weren't manly/cool/smooth/rich enough, even though you're the best you can be in all of those areas.   Maybe someone flat-out told you they didn't like you.

Most teachers and camp counselors have gotten used to telling little children that even when they lose a game, they still win, just so they won't cry.  As corny and unrealistic as it seems, it's actually similar to what we all need to do for ourselves.  The fact that some system picks someone else instead doesn't mean you should reject yourself!

So tomorrow morning, anyone who's been feeling like they came in second, or that they came up empty-handed somehow, do the following:

(1)  Open an envelope in front of your bathroom mirror;
(2)  Announce that the Oscar goes to [insert your name];
(3)  Give your own acceptance speech.  If it won't make you late for work, go as long as you want.  Include the following:
       (A)  Role models that taught you to believe;
       (B)  Loved ones who returned that love; and
       (C)  Anyone who moved you ahead, or convinced you to move yourself ahead
(4)  Just before you finish, tell everyone who did the opposite of the above that you didn't have time to fit them in, and then rush off the stage!

Good night, all, and don't forget to comment!

When Regrets Matter.

Good Evening, All.

This post is going up a little late, since I got swept up in the big playoff games.  All things being equal, I would have rather seen my Jets paying at this level, as they did last year, but I was still happy to see the Giants win IN OVERTIME to win the NFC Championship.  As I was telling a friend of mine, when football is played at this level, I want to see a CLOSE game, with both teams getting ahead and falling behind, with no clear winner until the very end.  Otherwise, if it's a one-sided blowout, I'll just change the channel.

What we'll all remember about both championship games is that the kickers made the difference.  In the AFC game, a kicker could have put the Ravens into overtime with a field goal, but poor guy, he missed.  In the NFC game, a kicker won it once overtime already happened. 

Strange thing about football -- most of the game is won or lost on tough defense, accurate passing, and fast running, which most of the players must be well-versed in, but sometimes the winning score is made by one guy on the team who only specializes in that one skill.  While everyone else is taking the hits, rehabbing the injuries, hitting the weights, and talking the trash, this one guy just hones his accuracy in that one skill that nobody else practices but him.  If he wins the game for the team, people shake his hand and then pass him by to give more accolades to the quarterback, running backs, and linebackers.  If he loses the game for the team, then he gets all the criticism and blame.  Not such an easy position to play, by any means.  Success is always a team effort, but failure is his alone.

It goes without saying that I'm always looking out for the little guy.  Since most of those kickers are much leaner than your typical behemoth-like player, kickers would certainly qualify as the little guy in more ways than one.  I'm glad that today's championship games reminded us all to remember the little guys, because they truly can make the biggest difference in this game.  For those of you reading this in the DC/Baltimore area, try to go easy on your little guy -- he had a lot riding on him.  And even if nobody said anything about it, he'd still know it and remember it.  Everything I've posted about not attacking people for making mistakes definitely applies to him, and everything I've posted about not flagellating yourselves when you make mistakes applies even more.

That being said, since these kickers have an advantage of longevity.  Since they are exempt from absorbing the impact that most quarterbacks and halfbacks are expected to risk, their careers can last significantly longer.  I'm sure that Baltimore's kicker will be back next year -- maybe not with the Ravens, from the chatter I hear, but certainly with another team.  He'll have another chance to be a winner before his career ends, and his peers will hopefully stop thinking of him as "the guy who choked."

A friend of mine recently shared a link on Facebook that highlighted real regrets:  In this link, a nurse who cared for the terminally ill on their deathbeds recalled the regrets people had as they neared the end.  People faced with the end of their lives regretted forfeiting their goals, not being true to themselves, and not being happy more often.  This nurse, however, did not recall patients regretting any specific mistakes, slip-ups, or choke-ups.  That's because the deathbed is the time when we're all faced with our own evaluations, and not those of others.  That Baltimore kicker will probably live a long and fulfilling life.  Even if Ravens fans forever tar and feather his reputation, he will probably be more interested in doing more with his life than questioning whether the geometry and physics of that one play should have been realigned differently.  I sincerely doubt he'll regret the end of a 2012 playoff game on his deathbed -- and he shouldn't!

For those of you on Facebook who know her, I encourage you to visit her Wall and click on that link -- it'll make you put everything in proper perspective.

Not to make this a double portion, but the topics of football and deathbed regrets are converging on the memory of one venerated college football coach -- Mr. Joe Paterno, who passed away today.  Sadly, he may very well have had some deathbed regrets that had nothing to do with his storied coaching career.  Unfortunately, these regrets led to the end of his career.  However, that should not have been his regret.  He already paid the appropriate price for what he did wrong, or did not do right, with regard to his assistant coaches, by having his career taken from him.  He was still a winner who set high standards for his players, his staff, and for Pennsylvania State University itself.  Once he paid the price, his misfeasance or nonfeasance was purged from his system.  I can only hope that he left this earth with memories of national championships and undefeated seasons, and not of talk shows and tabloid journalism.

Have a good week all -- and don't be afraid to comment!

Don't Be Afraid -- You Might Actually Win!

Last week I posted about the holidays.  Not to be partial to my own faith and stripe, but I'd like to go back to the historical description of the Chanukah story.  Pretty interesting tale, considering our friends in the Greek Orthodox community have never ONCE claimed that the story offended their ethnic heritage in any way.  One would think that during Chanukah, none of us would be able to set foot in Astoria, Queens, much less order any baklava.  Instead, it appears that they've sort of shrugged it off, and left us to enjoy our latkes in peace!  :)

But the reason I discuss it is because the Maccabees were not the favorites to win that war.  Not by a long shot.  Most of the Jewish population was loving the new Hellenstic ways, and wanted to be absorbed in them.  They had a much smaller force than the Greeks, and most likely lacked the same training that their soldiers had.

But the Maccabees were not afraid.  They knew only that they wanted to stay true to their faith and not permit further desecration of the Temple.  They might lose, but they also might actually win.

So should it be with us.  Do you have a shot to make a big change?  To win a big case?  To earn a big payday?  But is there a possibility it might not happen in spite of your effort?  Do it anyway!  If you've prepared for a possible loss, then there's no real cost involved.  But what if you WIN? 

It does happen, believe it or not.  It's just better if you believe.