The Crowd's Rules

Hey All - I'm back!

Since childhood, we are conditioned to follow a crowd.  Go where the crowd goes, don't go where it doesn't.  Don't stand out.  Don't think differently.    Don't do what the crowd doesn't want you to do.  Don't be who the crowd doesn't want you to be.  Don't break the rules. 

Don't be fresh.  Don't speak out of turn.  Don't be different.

In adulthood, matters are different.  Once you've completed, or withdrawn from, an undergraduate curriculum, you no longer have to answer to anyone.  It's your life now, and its direction is yours and yours alone.

However, some people would rather you not be that way.  Sometimes there are unwritten rules that people apply to themselves, and then mistakenly apply to you.  There are standards that people impose on themselves, with the assumption that everyone else should follow them too.

With all due respect, they're wrong.

When we're younger, there are reasons to follow rules that are imposed on us, even if we do not agree with them.  Reason being, we're young.  We don't know everything.  We're underdeveloped.  We need to grow, we need to learn, and we need to mature.  Until we're able to do them, the rules stay.

But once we have grown, learned, and matured, those same rules can only hold us back.  They infantilize us when we need to be adults.  They cause us to stagnate and plateau.  They restrict us to the painless demise of a comfort zone.  They erode away at our individual identity until we're just faceless drones like everyone else.

Beta males sometimes live lives that are based on following the rules to the letter of the law.  While this usually makes for a childhood and adolescence that is risk-free, commendable, and respected by elder generations, it can also sow the seeds for an adulthood that is uneventful, bland, dull, predictable, and tragically anonymous.  It sets you up for a life experience that merely involves changing one set of rules for another, and never actually making your own rules.

When you become Bold and Bulletproof, that won't happen.  When you embrace your own strength and arm yourself against criticism, rejection, and disrespect, you can, and will, make your own rules.  When you live by the Four Pillars, those rules won't keep you pinned down or rendered useless. 

DISCLAIMER:  This does NOT mean you break the law, or make a spectacle of yourself at a government office or courthouse.  It DOES mean that you don't pretend that someone else's rules were delivered from Mount Sinai to your doorstep on stone tablets, and that you don't spend your whole life limited from reaching your full potential because of rules that were once imposed on you in childhood.  We're not robots.  We're not servants.  We're not meant to be sidekicks, wing men, or nobodies.

To be a leader, one must first be a follower.  But we eventually must stop being followers.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.
 

Love Yourself More Anyway

Hi All!

The written blog is a little early today.  Just got finished watching (a) the anomaly of a hockey game starting at 12 noon; (b) the first home playoff game my Islanders had in several years; and (c) a frustrating overtime loss.  Much props to my team for showing that they can give a No. 1 seed a run for their money.  However, at this point in the season, there is no one-point-for-an-overtime-loss, it's win or lose.  Let's hope we can make this series 2-2 next game.

It's very easy to hate the Penguins.  It's even easier to hate the refs and the NHL for calling a BS penalty for the apparent protection of Sidney Crosby.  But that apparently doesn't change the final score.  The only way to rise above that is for our boys to win three of the next four games.  I'll let our pundits, prognosticators, and self-appointed experts, explain how that can be done, and await the final result.

You've heard me blog about people we hate, sometimes with rancor and venom, and sometimes with dismissal.  Volumes could be written about those we hate, and then volumes upon volumes.  It remains to be understood how hatred, anger, envy, jealousy, and their resulting rage and fury are so pervasive.  Why is it so much more interesting that positive attitudes?  Why does it sour everything that could be sweet, and why does it soil everything that could be clean?  Why does it take everything that could be happy and make it unpleasant?  Where does it get its power to just ruin damn near everything?  Because the key ingredient to shut it down is missing.

There is a core audience that reads this blog that does not agree with its direction.  I harbor no resentment towards this crowd, because I do actually respect its opinion.  However, I sometimes call it the "I don't care" crowd.  They pride themselves on repeatedly reminding me that they're just so mature, just so developed, and just so self-actualized that they "never" hate anyone, "never" let anyone get to them, and "never" react to the obnoxiousness or rudeness of anyone who challenges them, because it "never" bothers them.  With all due respect to the loyal opposition, I call the accuracy of these statements into question, and present something that rings truer:

(1)  There is nobody, with the possible exception of the Pope and the Dalai Lama, who "never" gets pissed off at someone else or something else.  That's false.  I've known people who are as stoic and solid as the Rock of Gibraltar when people are watching, but then "freak out" worse than anyone else when there's nobody watching.  It's just a lot easier for them to put on a show.

(2)  If this were really true, people would be walking all over the "I don't care" crowd.  It is not apathy, distraction, or "just letting it go" that stops miscreants and jabronies, it's consequences, or the understanding that some will be delivered in the near future, that stops them.

(3)  Expressing anger in the appropriate manner is healthy.  It is mature, it is cathartic, it is pro-active, and it gains respect.  Suppressing anger, and pretending something doesn't bother you when it obviously should, is a recipe for a breakdown.

So what's the alternative?  Simple, really.

(A)  Pick a number that represents the amount of hatred or ill will you have towards somebody.

(B)  Multiply that number by 10.

The total represents how highly you should value yourself, compared to how much you despise all of those others.

My "I don't care" peeps are really saying exactly that, but for some reason, they're saying it in code, and covering it with condescension.  Maybe they think the rest of us can't figure out their secret, but I can.  And maybe they don't think it's the most macho thing to say, but I'm saying it anyway.  I just put their secret "on the record," and they have no recourse against me!

Self-love is the first step towards achieving any goal in life.  A new job, an invention, a business idea, a winning team, a friendship, a relationship, or a marriage.  You really can't fake it like the individuals I've described above.

It's the only way to get over loss, mourning, adverse decisions, unflattering commentary, disapproval or rejection.  The individuals who spew this garbage all over you do it because they don't love you.  If you adopt their attitude, then you don't love yourself either.  People who don't love themselves are lost.

Not too long ago, some criticism of this blog came my way.  This criticism was that this blog was meaningless, because it contained no research, but consisted only of the author's opinion.  Pardon me for pointing out the obvious, but this blog was never advertised as a scholastic term paper or a thesis statement.  It's based on real-life experiences and common-sense observations of life in general, and not on self-serving intellectualism and ivory-tower pomposity.  It is intended for men and boys with low self-esteem, because there are a thousand resources for women who suffer from this issue, but precious little for males who do.  Ironically, it attracted many more female readers, because the messages still resonated with them.

I'm not very happy with this critic's opinion.  However, I love this blog much more than I could ever resent any negative feedback.  It is my contribution to the world around me, independent of my choice of career, and it is a hobby I enjoy even more than my long-distance running.  It is a commitment that I don't compromise.  Instead of looking at the mark the world leaves on me, it's my way of leaving my mark on the world instead.  I'll even go out on a limb and say that I love writing this blog more than I notice how many or how few readers I get.  This blog is mine, and will outlast and endure all criticism and threats.

Do I have some off weeks?  Of course I do.  Am I sometimes running low on ideas?  We all get writer's block.  But this blog still means a great deal to me because it has a consistent message behind it.

Yes peeps, it's been a while since I brought it up, but say it with me:

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Keep on saying it until you love yourself 10 times more than you hate anyone else.  And then say it some more!

Video to follow . . . .

The Olympic Ideal

The Olympics are well under way, and medals have already been awarded.  Looks like these Games will be remembered favorably.

This would be a fine opportunity to remember the words of Baron Pierre de Coubertin, the founder of the IOC and of the modern Olympic Games.  He is quoted as saying:

"The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle, the essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."

Given how advanced each athlete must be at their chosen event, it's obvious that every Olympic athlete would have had to earn several triumphs in order to compete to begin with.  Nevertheless, the Baron's philosophy still holds water. 

Too many people think that winning is all that matters, and nothing less is acceptable.  To adopt this as your reality means you have committed yourself to the self-fulfilling failure known as perfectionism, which is a complete fallacy.  Winning is obviously the goal of every game, sport, endeavor or venture that is undertaken.  But that doesn't mean that you can never lose, and it doesn't mean that losing is a failure in and of itself.

The Baron didn't say this directly, but since he was an educator, I think he may have been implying that to lose is to learn a lesson.  It is only from failures and setbacks that we learn about ourselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience must follow from bad judgment. Also, to know that you've given everything you could give towards your goal is already a victory, even without the prize being awarded.

Maybe he was also implying that even when you perform your best, your opponent might still know something you don't, may still be a little faster or stronger than you, or maybe just wants it a little bit more than you do.  Given that, there's a chance that your opponent might win and you might lose, but that doesn't mean you give up the ship so soon.  You still play as hard as you can, and go for a win anyway.  Even if you come away with the silver medal, even the winner gets all the "spoils," and even if the crowd forgets your name as soon as they leave the arena, you still know deep down that you've won anyway. 

The quote, "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" was incorrectly attributed to Vince Lombardi, Hall of Fame football coach.  This was later found to be incorrect because Lombardi did not want his players to rely upon opponents' mistakes to coast their way to "ugly wins."  He actually told his players that nobody can achieve perfection, but "when we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."  This means that you prepare the best way you can, train as hard as you can, and envision yourself winning, even if you might not. 

Record books and historians are not kind to those who don't win, but you still can be.  Maybe there's a game that you've played recently that did not result in the victory you wanted.  Maybe there's a prize you wanted that went to someone else.  Or maybe there was something that you wanted so bad that you did everything to get it, and you still failed somehow.  Forget that result, and congratulate yourself on what you did to try to achieve it.  You did everything in your power to get it, and it simply wasn't meant to be. 

Don't post-mortem.  Don't second-guess.  And PLEASE do not beat yourself up no matter how bad you feel!  That was your opponent's job, and they've finished doing it.  They won a prize for it, but  you won't!  Why add to their work at your own expense?

So even though we all want Team USA to win gold in just about everything, they won't.  And even if some of our athletes are not on the highest rung of the medal stand, remember their efforts anyway.  The fact that they competed for our country to begin with already makes them winners.  And don't forget those athletes from other nations who complete against Team USA -- they might not all be NBA All-Stars, but they've made it their central goal to win anyway.  Respect that.

Enjoy the Games, peeps.  Comments welcome.

Get Up and Go Deep!

Hey All!

We're continuing with our transition from righteous anger at those who've wronged us to satisfaction and self-actualization.  There are miles to go before we rest (ha ha, running humor), but let's get to it.

To expound a little bit on what I've said earlier, once the battle against those is finished (got attacked, responded within 24-hour statute of limitations, told them off, got respect), there's another stage to get past . . . not the just respect of others, but the respect of yourself!

When we have our minds focused on a conflict ahead of us, we think about how to beat our adversary logically and systematically, with just enough anger/fury/rage not to let them get away with anything.  That anger/fury/rage can sometimes mean the difference between a win and a loss, as long as you control the anger, and it doesn't control you.

So what happens when the battle is over?  If we lost, we might be angry with ourselves, and that's when we really get into trouble.  Our opponents can, and should, get angry with us and maybe smear us a little, if they expect to win.  We cannot, and MUST not, do that to ourselves!  We'll be giving our opponents free passes that they never even asked for!!!

As another blogger I've linked to likes to say that we should not be our own worst critics.  Rather, we should be our own biggest fans!  Check his blog at http://www.personal-development-for-men.com/personal-development-blog.html

That doesn't mean we shouldn't be objective about our weaknesses and mistakes, and that we shouldn't learn from them.  It means that we should be tough on our opponents, and gentle and forgiving with ourselves.  It means we don't whip ourselves like that albino monk in The DaVinci Code!  It means if we get knocked down, we don't smack ourselves in the head for letting it happen, chew ourselves out for being stupid, or think about how wrong we are.  It means WE GET UP!!!!

We've already learned that bullying is wrong and bullies should be punished -- but now that we've gotten up, and gotten past that, we keep going.  We get ready for what's next, stronger and wiser.  We aim our anger that way, not back this way!

And what, pray tell, do we do if there's actually not a fight in front of us?  No opponent to dismantle, no argument to refute, and no emperor to overthrow?  No argument to win, no besmircher to resmirch, and no jabroni to layeth the smacketh down upon?

Does it even happen that way????   YES, PEOPLE IT DOES MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK!  Not everything is a fight!

So what then?  You smile.  You laugh.  You tell jokes!  If you're like me, you do impressions too, because they're a riot!

You get your friends and have a rockin' good time!  You talk to your family and talk about everything that's going right, and save the depressing crapola for another time!  If you have someone special in your life, you show them that they're special because you know they're special, with prompting or reminders! 

And if you don't have someone special, and would like one, let it happen!  That doesn't mean going to clubs and showing off your Rico Suaveness if you're not comfortable doing so (if you are, don't let me stop you, but please!)  It means that you present yourself with confidence and respect in everything you do, even the way you get lunch from the deli or zip onto the subway before the doors close.  It means you don't throw hissy fits if the train is late or if people annoy you.  Just put your best foot forward without being a "desperado," as my sister calls guys who "desperately" need women, and you'll get one!  And once you get one, make it worth your while!

It's two very simple methods. During wartime, GET UP, and in peace, GO DEEP!

Feel free to comment, and let's go JETS!!!!

In fact, don't only comment, but give me a high sign and a vote of confidence.  I know I've got my regular readers out there, thank you very much, but unless someone hits the "like" button on Facebook, I've got no clue that my stuff is well received.  What would you like to read more of?  Is my shift from rebellion against abuse to living with self-respect a welcome one?  And more importantly, where are my young men and boys that I want to read this stuff?

Help a guy out -- thanks!