Revision and Evolution

Good Afternoon, All.  Yours truly is watching the Jets play the Giants, as is done once every four years, and marveling how his team is actually playing pretty well today.

Tomorrow, we stop our usual routine to acknowledge our veterans.  Unlike Memorial Day, which commemorates those who paid the ultimate price in military conflict on our nation's behalf, we have the advantage of actually showing gratitude to those veterans who made it home alive after their service.  Given the background, this is probably the holiday that deserves barbecues and warm weather, and not the other one.  However, history has used much different criteria for when, or if, to schedule national holidays.

For my own purposes, as the years have passed, this holiday has challenged me to examine some of my own beliefs.  When I started this blog, I had a very unfavorable view of tough-guy types, also known as alpha males.  Actually, that's an understatement - I went beyond having an unfavorable view of alpha males.  Instead, I demonized them.  I bashed them, maligned them, and made them seem less-than. 

This approach seemed completely valid to me, even justified.  Having experienced enough of these types behave less than respectfully to me, it seems completely natural to give them a "taste of their own medicine."  There was unfinished business, and this seemed like the way to finish it.  Ironically, this was done several years before the Gillette Corporation aired the "toxic masculinity" commercial.  My name for it was actually somewhat harsher.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I have seen that a different tone and perspective is a better way of addressing those who harmed me, and all those like them.

(1)  Yes, there really are alpholes.  They do exist, and everything they do proves it. 
(2)  They aren't only male.  There are also very many women who behave the same way, and benefit from a bubble of immunity and impunity.
(3)  However, their mere existence does not affect us as much as previously thought.
(4)  If they harm us enough physically, our society provides for criminal and civil remedies that provide penalties and compensation as consequences for such uncivilized behavior.
(5)  However, if all they are doing is annoying us through words and tone, we can actually decide that we're not affected by it in the slightest, let alone triggered.  Instead, the more disrespect and unpleasantness they produce, the more they will be receiving in return, until they decide for themselves to change their ways.

What I'm trying to say, given my discovery of ancient Stoicism, is that those who behave in ways we don't appreciate, or those whom we dislike, miss the Second of the Four Pillars:  THEY EXIST, BUT THEY DO NOT MATTER.  AND BY EXTENSION, THEY DO NOT BELONG IN OUR THOUGHTS, AND DO NOT DESERVE OUR ATTENTION.

This brings me back to Veterans' Day, and why this revelation is relevant to this holiday.  Until recently, it has been mostly men who answered our nation's call to war for our country.  Mostly men who fought the British at Valley Forge, fought on both sides of the Civil War, went to Europe to defeat the Nazis in World War II, endured losses in Vietnam, and defeated terrorism in the Middle East.  It is nothing more than a slap in the face to our country's armed forces to assume that every tough guy is a force for evil.  Our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard are anything but, and should never again be thought of that way.  If anything, they exemplify the best that healthy masculinity can, and does, achieve.

Unlike the aforementioned miscreants, our Veterans EXIST, MATTER, BELONG, AND MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE.  There is no otherwise.

So let this be my salute and my gratitude to all US Veterans.  My comfort and safety is due in no small part to your training, tactics, and indefatigable courage. 

I thank you all.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

STOICISM.  EMOTIONAL MATURITY.  POINT OF EVAPORATION.

Containment and Control

Happy Sunday, All.  Hope you're dressing in multiple layers!

What holds us back from achieving emotional maturity is negative thinking.  Anger at someone else, fear about what might happen, regret/self-punishment over what did happen, and grudges against others.

Are these feelings valid?  Yes.  There are people in this world who aren't good to us or for us, and we might not have the luxury of simply getting rid of them.  There are unknown events waiting for us around the bend that we're not confident about, and there are mistakes that we've made that haunt us.  That's all real.

But it's not all of reality.  Not by a long shot.

Someone else can back me up with the scientific data, but it seems that negative thoughts and attitudes have a much stronger pull on people that positive, happy, peaceful and sedate thoughts do.  That's why we see so many fights and arguments on social media.  This also why some people, even after they reach middle age, somehow find themselves involved in juvenile drama and conflict.  Moreover, it's why some people can't move forward and deal with the here-and-now - they're playing a non-stop rerun marathon of everything that they remember badly, over and over again.

(1) Recognition:

There are reasons why we have these negative thoughts, and they're mostly valid, as set forth above.  We need to recognize when these thoughts are popping up before we address them.

(2) Limitation:

Excuse the analogy, but let's consider our bladder and bowel functions.  When we are newborns, we just "let 'em rip," whenever and wherever we feel like.  However, the first lesson our parents teach us is to handle these functions in one place, and one place only.  Once we learn that, we eventually learn how to exercise a fair amount of control over the timing of these functions so that we can use them in this one particular place in a way that we can dispose of the results without subjecting anyone else to the sight, sound, or texture of them. 

And, oh yeah . . . when we're finished with that business, we flush it away so nobody else, with all due respect to the plumbing industry, has to deal with it.

Believe it or not, we can do the same thing with our thoughts.  We can limit the time, place, and circumstances of when we have them.  And when we're done, we can flush them away, light a match or candle, and walk away relieved.

No, I don't mean not preparing yourself for a task you have to perform tomorrow or next week.  Prepare, by all means, but if the toilet analogy doesn't feel right, then just close the file on it once you've finished your preparation.  Either way, once you've done your business, please remove yourself from the toilet.  Waiting in the bathroom all day for your biological cycle to repeat would not make sense, because you'd miss everything else.  Don't do it mentally, either.

(3) Disposal:

Can you control what it is you're thinking about?  Get to it sooner rather than later.  If possible, do it now and be finished with it!  If you can't do it now, write a note for yourself to do it later.  Place it on your to-do list with a reminder on a certain date and and time.  That way you won't have to worry about forgetting it.

Can't control it?  Then stop thinking about it, period.  That doesn't mean never think about it.  It means think about it, and then stop thinking about it.  Those thoughts don't get to rule your life, you do.

And as I've said before, sometimes that means getting rid of people who trigger those thoughts.  If you can't do that, you can still remain unflappable in in their presence, and refuse to allow them to poison your mind or trip your triggers.  But still, removing them is the best option.

WE DO NOT LIVE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.  We are not trapped in a cycle of hate and fear.  We are also not trapped with those who try to manipulate us into feeling hate and fear, and them blame us for feeling them.  We decide what to think and what not to think, and we also decide whom is permitted to influence our thoughts.

But what about different perspectives?  But what about learning something?  OK.  We'll consider the source first.  We don't judge books by covers, but after we've read them, we can, and must, decide what we think of it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

The Heart of Armor, Revisited

Hey All, it's about that time.

This weekend, I advanced my technology just a bit.  Well, more like I renewed a part of my technology that I hadn't discussed in a while.

Part of being emotionally mature means finding a way to deal with any and all negative thoughts.  Can we experience fear, pain, anxiety, anger, frustration, etc.?  Absolutely.  But we need to experience them without being ruled by them.

Years ago, I talked about a Heart of Armor.  That means there is a part of your mind/heart/soul that is completely, protected, insulated, and secure from the above negative emotions.  That means you don't think about that project at work when you're at the beach.  That also means you don't start immediately showing a mental rerun of bad stuff that happened just because you see or hear something that reminds you of it (that crap might work on Family Guy, but it doesn't work in your mind).

You might be aware of troubles and challenges - you kinda need to be - but there is a protected part of you that you never, ever, let those troubles and challenges affect.  If it's not in front of you that minute, you keep any thought of it in check.  If it is in front of you that minute, then handle it.  Regardless, you must keep those stress-causing, agita-inducing thoughts way out of your zone.

This way, you don't personalize or internalize the problems.  You don't make it all about you when it isn't.  And when it is all about you, you still don't let it immobilize, paralyze, or hurt you.

There is a difference between accepting responsibility for something, when you must, and hurting yourself.  When people know your weaknesses, they will try to make you feel like hurting yourself with no remorse and no regret.  It is our job, and only our job, to prevent this from happening at all costs.  Not just to protect us from them.  But also from ourselves.

When we can be aware of what is around us, good or bad, without being distracted or emotionally triggered by it, half the battle is won.  Our tormentors will realize that they're not getting the out-of-control reaction they wanted.  Our supporters will respect us more than otherwise.

"But I'm so passionate!"  "But I'm so outgoing!"  "But I'm just so badass I can't be contained!"

You may or may not be reading the wrong blog, friend.  Or more likely, you can use that passion with discipline and control.  That way you bring about positive results, and not just more and more debates and arguments.

More importantly, that way you don't get your buttons pushed.  You control your emotions, they don't control you.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

All In The Timing

Hey All -- hope you're enjoying the summer!

Lately, I haven't been talking about our adversaries.  However, someone once said that it is wise to study the ways of one's adversary.  And so let's review:

One big difference between us and the alpholes is that they choose to be aggressive at times when it is completely unnecessary to do so.  Maybe they do this because "it's the way they're made."  Maybe they had a disapproving parent who was that way too.  Maybe they feel a need to show their crowd that they're tough enough to hang with them.

Here's the world's smallest violin playing "Hearts & Flowers" for them.  NONE OF THAT makes it acceptable to push others around.  NONE OF THAT means that we should permit them to shove us so they'll feel better.  And despite opinion to the contrary, NONE OF THAT makes them winners.

Their downfall is that they're aggressive when they shouldn't be, and they're NOT aggressive when they should be.  To overcome this, we must choose our battles far more wisely than they do.

Ummmm, Daaaaaave?  Who are you to judge these poor, innocent victims, who have every right to be this way?  How do yoooooou know when to be aggressive and when not to be?

I'm glad somebody asked me!  Aggression is obviously tied to the "fight or flight" response that we're all born with.  The difference is that the alpholes think the "fight" switch should be on whenever someone weaker than them is within hearing difference, and that the "flight" switch should be on whenever the consequences of their actions materialize.  But when should these two responses be set?  Here you go:

WHEN TO BE AGGRESSIVE:
(1)  When you have a dream or a goal to achieve.
(2)  When distractions get in the way of that dream or goal.
(3)  When you have a job to do.
(4)  When you need to find a job to do, because you don't already have one.
(5)  When your life is in danger.
(6)  When you are faced with imminent bodily harm.  And someone saying they'll cause it does not make it imminent.
(7)  When you have exhausted all good faith efforts to avoid or alleviate conflict, and the proper authorities have not solved the problem already.
(8)  When someone makes a mistake, refuses to accept responsibility for it, and points fingers at everyone else.

WHEN NOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE:
(1)  When you think it's funny to disparage someone.
(2)  When someone is irritating or annoying you.  This does not rise to the level where aggression is needed, no matter how unpleasant it is.
(3)  When non-conflict remedies have not yet been utilized.
(4)  When someone's opinion is different from yours.  You can be assertive in expressive your opinion, but beating someone over the head is not necessary.
(5)  When presented with minor inconveniences.
(6)  When you're disappointed with your own shortcomings.  Instead, be gentle with yourself, but learn from whatever errors were made.
(7)  When someone else makes a mistake and they own up to it.

Of course, these lists are by no means exhaustive.  But notice how easily this is demonstrated in outline format?  How it eliminates all ambiguity that the know-it-alls and posers wish they could point out?  I've got someone very close to me to thank for that.

In our daily struggle to remain Bold and Bulletproof, we must embrace the fact that we are different from these other types, and use our differences to our advantages.  This is only one of several ways that this can be done, and others will follow.

See ya all!!!!!

Emotional Discipline

Hey hey, it's Sunday night!  You know what that means.

Stop me if I mentioned this before.  Actually, don't.  You see, there's nothing wrong with bringing up a prior topic, because if it everything was said and done, I wouldn't be bringing it up now. 

One trait that we beta males have that is both our greatest strength and our biggest stumbling block is our emotional capacity.  By definition, we are more sensitive than the alpholes, who are strangely admired for the devil-may-care approach.  While this leads to better moral choices, it also stunts our growth and leaves us in a rut.

There is nothing wrong with caring for others.  There is something wrong with putting everyone else's needs over our own.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurt.  There is something wrong with admitting it to people who are unwilling or unable to actually help you get through it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel something is unfair or unjust.  There is something wrong with "just saying" that, and not making a real change.

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  There is something wrong using that anger destructively.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a fight.  There is something wrong with initiating or provoking a fight and then running away from it.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about something bad that might happen.  There is something wrong with immobilizing yourself with fear and worry because you assume the worst case scenario.

There is nothing wrong with stating that you have been wronged.  There is something wrong with thinking about how you've been wronged over and over again without actually making an attempt to rectify it.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing the past.  There is something wrong with still living there and not living in the present.

There is nothing wrong with showing compassion.  There is something wrong with showing it to people who don't deserve your time or attention.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your mistakes.  There is something wrong with begging forgiveness from people who are too arrogant to accept your apology.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are wrong and made a mistake.  There is something wrong with self-flagellation and self-loathing because you made that mistake.

There is nothing wrong with mourning a loss.  There is something wrong with using the loss as a crutch and an excuse long after that loss is gone.

There is nothing wrong with charity.  There is something wrong with enabling and spoiling.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace.  There is something wrong with using peace as an excuse to permit unacceptable behavior.

There is nothing wrong with having independent thoughts.  There is something wrong with aggressively forcing those thoughts on others without respecting their differences.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with what they have said or done.  There is something wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with anything they have said or done, or that you do not agree with their very existence.

Now that I've given enough examples, it's plain to see that they key to accepting ourselves, and in turn, earning respect in this life, is to keep our emotions in check.  Our reactions, no matter how justified, are stumbling blocks if they are not used properly.  If we speak too quickly in anger, we will say things that we may be forced to apologize for later.  If we react out of fear, we will be immobilized and prevented from growing and maturing.  If we show compassion and caring to those who have not earned it from us, we will be made into targets and victims, because we've given those people a lifetime free pass to hurt us with impunity.

Don't have a pure heart with an empty head.  Instead, have a full heart ruled by logical, self-governing, and independent mind.  And never, EVER, be ruled by a mouth.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Grabbing the Tiger By The Toe!

Hi All -- did you remember to spring ahead?

Many things anger us:  the guy in the subway is a rude jerk, someone on the street is annoying, somebody and school or work seems to always "get away" with things that would get you suspended fired in a nanosecond.  Somebody gives you bad information, somebody laughs at your opinions, someone just always has to say that you're wrong, or just always has to brag about how much better they are than you.

You're actually allowed to be angry at them -- for One Minute.  And I mean one minute only.  That is your window of opportunity to either confront the problem or dismiss it.  This can actually be deferred to a later time when circumstances prevent an immediate reaction, but it cannot be extended.  You also have the third option of venting your anger in a safe place with someone you trust, but it's still only one minute.  After that, your thoughts must go elsewhere.

Stewing, fuming, gossiping, and bashing has never solved a problem in history.  It has only made them worse.

If you must re-visit this anger, either (a) use it from a position of strength to build, create, or take other types of needed action, or (b) diffuse it.  If that anger gives you power, fuel, and gusto to clean your house from top to bottom, write an unbeatable legal brief, or help a child build a toy with incomprehensible instructions, so be it!  If not, then either work it out through various forms of exercise, or smooth it out through various forms of meditation and relaxation.

Point being, as I've stated before, self-actualization means to control anger, and not to be controlled by it.  Grab the tiger by the toe, or it will eat all ten of yours!!!!!!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.   I AM BETA. 

Getting Ready

Nothing big tonight -- I'm getting ready to run in the Disney Marathon bright (more like dark) and early tomorrow morning.  No problem with getting up in the wee small hours, this is what people do for the NYC marathon also.  However, this one actually BEGINS in those wee small hours, so I gotta be ready to rock!

Wish me luck, all -- I'll give you a recap tomorrow as usual!

Careful How You Handle It!

Hey all --

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, you know that my link to a picture posted by a friend mine sort of says it all:  "Never sacrifice who you are just because someone else has a problem with it."

As we get closer to 2012, I can only hope that we all can abide by this all-too-simple rule of life.  When other people have problems with us simply being who we are, they lead us to a crossroads:  Should we admit that they know best, and that we're just simply subpar individuals who don't deserve respect?  Or should we refuse to let them beat us just because they have issues?

The sad fact is that no matter how nice we are, how friendly we are, how good-looking or popular we might be (if that's the case), or how wealthy and "on top of things" we are, not everyone will like us.  Even if you do nothing wrong at all, someone else may very well still have a problem with you, simply because they don't like you.

Guess what, that's their right.  Nobody is forcing you to love and worship people you don't like, so how can you expect them to shower you with love?  If they don't like you, that's their business.  Thing is, it's only their business -- don't buy into it!

Also, they need to realize that such dislike must also be tempered with respect.  That means they don't have the right to bash you, bully you, isolate you, defame you, or harass you.  If they are, you must set them straight and protect yourself.

That being said, as I've previously mentioned in this blog, we don't live in a comic book, or in a Sylvester Stallone movie.  We can't whip out a Jesse Ventura gun and kill them all when they screw with us.  Sometimes we have to use our heads first. 

It might be that if you stand your ground against some miscreant or gangster, and you don't keep your head, you might find yourself without money or a place to live.  If that's the case, you must either (a) temporarily take it on the chin, while actively finding a new source of income or a new home; or (b) be prepared to do without income or a home for an indefinite period of time, while continuing to find a better life. 

There are many of us out there who re-define the words "tough" and "resilient," and have no problem choosing choice (b).  However, common sense tells me that choice (a), despite the fact that it forces us to temporarily endure treatment we don't deserve, is the smarter choice to make.  This is because it prevents us from allowing our aggression to ruin the entire situation. 

And let's be objective:  As intolerable as bullying is, and always will be, life could still be worse.  You're not in a concentration camp, you haven't had limbs removed from your body, and you're not in jail.  Imagine how it would feel if you were in either of those messes!

At the very least, choice (a) gives you time to think:  Time to plan your next response, your next maneuver, and your next counterstrike.  And you can also plan for what the main character in "Quantum Leap" forever searched for:  the final leap home!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not going soft on the bullies and thugs who try to siphon off our self-esteem and usurp our power.  I'm telling you all to be smart in your dealings with them.  If they have enough legitimate power to hurt you, no matter how right you are, then be careful.  You won't be sacrificing who you are by any means.  If anything, you'll be preserving your rights to continue being who you are, free from those who don't think anything's wrong with disrespecting you.  Just watch yourself to make sure that they, and not you, are on the receiving end of something unpleasant!

Feel free to comment, all!

Get Up and Go Deep!

Hey All!

We're continuing with our transition from righteous anger at those who've wronged us to satisfaction and self-actualization.  There are miles to go before we rest (ha ha, running humor), but let's get to it.

To expound a little bit on what I've said earlier, once the battle against those is finished (got attacked, responded within 24-hour statute of limitations, told them off, got respect), there's another stage to get past . . . not the just respect of others, but the respect of yourself!

When we have our minds focused on a conflict ahead of us, we think about how to beat our adversary logically and systematically, with just enough anger/fury/rage not to let them get away with anything.  That anger/fury/rage can sometimes mean the difference between a win and a loss, as long as you control the anger, and it doesn't control you.

So what happens when the battle is over?  If we lost, we might be angry with ourselves, and that's when we really get into trouble.  Our opponents can, and should, get angry with us and maybe smear us a little, if they expect to win.  We cannot, and MUST not, do that to ourselves!  We'll be giving our opponents free passes that they never even asked for!!!

As another blogger I've linked to likes to say that we should not be our own worst critics.  Rather, we should be our own biggest fans!  Check his blog at http://www.personal-development-for-men.com/personal-development-blog.html

That doesn't mean we shouldn't be objective about our weaknesses and mistakes, and that we shouldn't learn from them.  It means that we should be tough on our opponents, and gentle and forgiving with ourselves.  It means we don't whip ourselves like that albino monk in The DaVinci Code!  It means if we get knocked down, we don't smack ourselves in the head for letting it happen, chew ourselves out for being stupid, or think about how wrong we are.  It means WE GET UP!!!!

We've already learned that bullying is wrong and bullies should be punished -- but now that we've gotten up, and gotten past that, we keep going.  We get ready for what's next, stronger and wiser.  We aim our anger that way, not back this way!

And what, pray tell, do we do if there's actually not a fight in front of us?  No opponent to dismantle, no argument to refute, and no emperor to overthrow?  No argument to win, no besmircher to resmirch, and no jabroni to layeth the smacketh down upon?

Does it even happen that way????   YES, PEOPLE IT DOES MORE OFTEN THAN YOU THINK!  Not everything is a fight!

So what then?  You smile.  You laugh.  You tell jokes!  If you're like me, you do impressions too, because they're a riot!

You get your friends and have a rockin' good time!  You talk to your family and talk about everything that's going right, and save the depressing crapola for another time!  If you have someone special in your life, you show them that they're special because you know they're special, with prompting or reminders! 

And if you don't have someone special, and would like one, let it happen!  That doesn't mean going to clubs and showing off your Rico Suaveness if you're not comfortable doing so (if you are, don't let me stop you, but please!)  It means that you present yourself with confidence and respect in everything you do, even the way you get lunch from the deli or zip onto the subway before the doors close.  It means you don't throw hissy fits if the train is late or if people annoy you.  Just put your best foot forward without being a "desperado," as my sister calls guys who "desperately" need women, and you'll get one!  And once you get one, make it worth your while!

It's two very simple methods. During wartime, GET UP, and in peace, GO DEEP!

Feel free to comment, and let's go JETS!!!!

In fact, don't only comment, but give me a high sign and a vote of confidence.  I know I've got my regular readers out there, thank you very much, but unless someone hits the "like" button on Facebook, I've got no clue that my stuff is well received.  What would you like to read more of?  Is my shift from rebellion against abuse to living with self-respect a welcome one?  And more importantly, where are my young men and boys that I want to read this stuff?

Help a guy out -- thanks!

For Those Who Work Hard

Today is Labor Day.  Many of us had the day off from our usual occupations, to honor and respect the American worker.  Since I was one of them, I postponed this week's blog until now.

I'd like to say a few words about those who labor, and the respect they deserve.

There is a group of friends that I sorely miss.  They live in my hometown on Long Island, and they raise their families together, sharing good times and bad, and sometimes sharing profit and loss.  Had Hurricane Irene not rained on our parades, I would have sojourned out to the Island to wish Happy Birthday to my godson and his older brother, and to acknowledge that they will both become big brothers this winter.

When I think about hard work, the image of these boys' father pops into my head.  I have known him since we were both in the first grade.

When we were in high school, he played hard more than he worked hard.  If you knew him, you'd see he was a star.  Every guy wanted to be him, know him, or hang with him.  Every woman . . . he should be the one to finish that sentence, and not me.  :)  He was the coolest, the hippest, the funnest, and the savviest.  Point being, he brought good times with him everywhere he went, and elevated everything he touched. 

Since high school ended, this man's time to play hard also ended.  However, he replaced that effort with his capacity to work hard, which he has done ever since.  He is an expert electrician and cable installer. His knowledge requires him to traverse the entire tri-state area to wherever his work is needed, so he may support his family.  He also can handle every type of home improvement issue that suburban life can throw at a man.  And he never, and I mean never, complains about how difficult or uncomfortable it is.  In fact, even while working harder than he did as a teen, he still has that attitude that elevates everything he touches.  As a father of two, soon to be three, boys, this is the right example to emulate.

What does this mean for the rest of us?  Transference of attitude, I think.  Many of us get lazy and start complaining over our job conditions.  We tend to do so with no idea of how much worse it could be if our jobs were suddenly taken away from us, which does happen in this economy.  We are better off taking pride in the work we do and the profit it brings us.  If many of us worked the way my friend does, we might not think of it as easy.  He probably doesn't either.  You wouldn't know that, though, because he carries himself through his work as if he were still in high school.  Still laughing, cracking jokes, and showing grace under pressure when things were rough -- much the same way he did when confronted with an overzealous disciplinarian in the old academic days.  Maintaining this same posture towards adversity and difficulty is what sets him apart from other men, now and then. 

The Four Pillars tell us that we exist, matter, belong, and deserve.  They don't tell us that we are spoiled, or that effort is beneath us.  Although he's brought this attitude to work and fun long before yours truly typed out the Four Pillars, he's actually been applying them better than most people I know.  He makes himself an integral part of every project he's on, and earns respect on top of remuneration.  Such is the manner that each of us should approach our job and/or business, should we hope to succeed.

However, the spotlight does not only belong to him this week.  Although this blog is primarily meant to provide motivation for men and boys with low self-esteem, it has come to my attention that most of the people who follow this blog are female.  Not to pander or glad-hand, but in the interests of further increasing traffic, I'd like to show the example of a woman I know who works just as hard as this man, if not more.

She is a single mother of three daughters.  She was in a marriage that was not doing her family or herself any good.  She took the risk of not only ending the marriage, but also moving her family clear across the country for a better life.  This move required her to work, and to work hard once she arrived there.

This move required her to make sacrifices.  Life got less comfortable than it had been previously, and sacrifices had to be made that required her and her girls to give up the creature comforts they had previously enjoyed.  Despite it all, on she presses.

Not everyone in her family or circle of friends agreed with this decision. Some of them gave her a cold shoulder, and others reneged on promises made. Even with so much unfairness of things, she worked two jobs, or one with additional hours, so that her girls could have what passes for a normal life. She has also moved on from the remnants of her marriage to find love and respect from a man who recognizes her and loves her for who she is. She is now the modern-day embodiment of the protagonist of Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage and Her Children."

This woman has also used the Four Pillars without realizing it. Despite the fear, doubt, and rejection that came her way, she knows that she plays an indispensable role. She plays the primary caregiver role for her family, teaching her girls the values of self-reliance and discipline. She reminds them to learn from her example of the right choices to make and the mistakes to avoid. She teaches them that even if they may hate the decisions she makes, they are done out of love and concern first and foremost.

So let's all remember the American worker. If there were no blue-collar workers, we'd all be living in tents. If there were no white collar workers, we'd be living in anarchy. If there were no green-collar workers, our environment would be deadly. And if nobody worked, we couldn't live.

Have a good week getting back to work and school, all. And don't forget to comment, like, and follow on Facebook and Twitter!

It's A Family Affair!

Hey All -
This weekend, I watched as my younger cousin, whom I've known since his infancy, married his college sweetheart.  It was a swanky affair, to be sure.  The ceremony was just right, the reception was fun, and it turns out that my wife knows the bandleader.  Small world!

The only smudge on this beautiful picture was the presentation of young folk before the ceremony.  It is often said in most houses of worship that the L-D above seeks to have the littlest children among us come nearer to Him.  It's not clear how happy He'd be with these little ones running with abandon and without parental supervision throughout His sanctuary, especially close to lit candles with no assurance that they wouldn't tip over.  I can assure you that if I had attempted such feats as a lad, the sensation of my father's thumb and forefinger tightly and forcefully grabbing me by the earlobe would have been an imminent and inevitable response. 

These children, were in fact the flower girls and ring-bearers, and had important roles to fill.  Still, so effervescent and boisterous was this gaggle of youth that their parents were moved from the front of the receiving line to the rear immediately prior to the bridal procession to provide some severely lacking attention.  Once this change was made, the ceremony proceeded with no distractions or interruptions.

Friends and neighbors, you know I'm all about freedom, liberty, and expression.  The thought of a young man going through life stifled and cuckolded is to me a fate worse than death.  That being said, a young boy who has not yet learned that there is a time and place for all things is one who desperately needs the stifling.  I will not say that children should not be at a wedding -- often times the bride has her reasons for including our youngest and sweetest to be present on her special day.  However, if they are to be present, it calls for Mom/Dad/Uncle/Auntie/Grandma/Whomever to try to keep them somewhat contained.  It is, after all, the bride's and groom's day, and not the children's -- they must be taught to graciously accept supporting roles during that performance - and accept them they must.

But I will not wallow in criticism and judgment -- that area is best left to those who've spent their entire lives looking down their noses in frustration and bewilderment.  Rather, I will counterbalance the above-referenced smudge with the otherwise unadulterated remainder of the image.  I myself was also part of this bridal procession -- in fact, I had the privilege of leaving the sanctuary immediately following the bride and groom, and then being the first to congratulate them on their completed nuptials.  Then a chance to see my parents, who have remained gracious and generous to me as always, and my dawwwwwling Sista, the funniest person I've ever known.  During the reception, I was confronted with one out of two dance songs that cause me to lose control even worse than the aforementioned youngsters -- "Bringin' Sexy/Back" was adapted by the band, causing me dance provocatively around my wife at our tabled in an effort to entice her onto the dance floor.  After much coaxing, she was able to "go 'head be gone with it."

"Ummm, yeaaaaaah Dave.  That's, um, good.  But how about sticking to the point of your blog?  We're trying to increase traffic here."

Right you are, friend.  As I stated earlier, there is a time and place for all things.  A young man must be unafraid to be himself, as set forth in the Four Pillars.  However, it takes a small amount of time and grade on that young man's part before he can use them as his guideposts.

"I Exist" -- You already know this, little buddy.  Nobody's tried to make you think otherwise yet.  Thing is, this pillar is not a free pass to go everywhere and do everything in your young and tender state, unless you really want to give your parents a trip to the emergency room and/or a visit from a process server.

"I Matter"  -- Of course you do, little man.  That's why you need a little more guidance still.  That's why Moms and Pops need to take you by the hand and explain when it's OK to be loud and when to be quiet.

"I Belong"  --  The bride obviously agreed.  Show us you belong by doing as us grownups do.  Stand up straight and look handsome!

"I Deserve" -- In your case, little man, let's not just assume things.  You deserve to be welcomed as another member of the wedding party.  You don't deserve to be the star of the show, and you don't deserve all the attention so soon.  Your time will come sooner than you think.  But today, just be good and do what's right.  Then you'll deserve praise and respect!

Then, once you grow up and become an adult, and figure out when to be calm and sober, and when to get down with your bad self, do your best at both!!!!

Oh by the way, the other song that makes me dance "like MC Hammer on crack," is "The Humpty Dance!"

Also by the way, Happy Birthday to my Sister!