Change The Programming

Hey All - Happy 1st Day of May!

The reason why we face the struggles we do is that we don't alter our responses to certain stimuli.  Sometimes bullying and abuse continues because they notice your response, expect it, and we unfortunately deliver as expected. 

If that response isn't delivering the result you want, why continue it?  If it isn't working, why not fix it?  If it just reinforces things you don't want in life, why accept them?

(1).  Something Pissing You Off?

   (A).  Think how you'd act if you weren't pissed off.  You'd be controlled.  You'd be smart.  You'd be a winner.

   (B).  Look how you're about to act.  Out of control.  Raw emotion.  Like a loose cannon.

   (C).  Which would you rather use, even if you are that pissed off?

(2).  Something From The Past Bugging You?

   (A).  How?  It's over.  It's not happening now.  Feeling bad about doesn't change anything about what happened.

   (B).  Why?  Because you feel guilty?  Because you were mistaken?  Because the usual wiseasses say shit about it?  That's not a death sentence, despite what it must feel like.

   (C).  What if you could just scan that crap, shred the original document, file it away, and not even look at it?  And if it takes up too much space, set a timer to delete it?

(3).  Something Coming Soon You're Worried About?

   (A).  Is it happening right this minute?  Is it guaranteed to be a bad thing?  Is there a possibility, large or small, that what can happen is a good thing?
   (B).  If there is a possibility that it could be "mayyyyyybe something good, mayyyyyybe something bad," as they used to say on Ren & Stimpy, wouldn't it be better to think about the favorable outcome?
   (C).  Isn't Before Better?  Isn't this a chance to better prepare for what's coming?  And wouldn't that be a little more constructive that just plain worrying?

I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating:  Our brains are programmed much the way computers and smartphones are.  If we want to change the way these devices are programmed, we have to reboot them, upgrade them, or sometimes get completely new devices.  If we want to change the way our brains are programmed, the steps we take are actually much easier.

The only reason why it seems harder is because it requires constant repetition.  The same way schoolchildren have to learn things by rote, by constant reminders of what they need to know, we have to learn how to change our thoughts and habits be reminding ourselves to do it every day.  Even if we don't feel like it.  Even if it's annoying.  Even if it's a pain in the ass.  We Must Make Ourselves Do It Anyway.

Our adversaries expect us to fold and worry because they derive pleasure from it.  No, they shouldn't do that, but they still do.  So prove their expectations to be wrong.  Fake them out.  School 'em.  Boot 'em.  Show them that nothing they do . . . not One Damn Thing . . . can make us feel bad about ourselves, make us run away, or make us feel like we're less than them.  I don't care how LOUD they talk, how MUCH they show off, or how many fraaaaaaands they claim to have.  They don't make the rules, and they don't tell you that you're less than they are.  No matter what.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND NOTHING CHANGES THAT.

Pause If You Must, But Never Wallow

Hey All - Happy Passover to those that celebrate.

It is impossible to advance in life without meeting obstacles and setbacks.  However, it's way too easy that this means "game over" instead of "handle it."

We Betas, being as sensitive as we are, often need time to reflect when confronted with such difficulty. Maybe we have to deal with anger, sadness, worry, anxiety, or a big stack of fear.  And sometimes a time out is needed to process that.

However, it's a very limited time out.  You can't do it forever.  You'll risk paralyzing yourself with doubt, guilt, or other stumbling blocks.  You'll be immobilized with hatred and contempt, and they'll chain you in a self-made prison.  You'll be stuck living in the past.

How to avoid this?

(1).  Schedule a Time.  Maybe when you first wake up, maybe when you first lie down.  Maybe a minute, maybe an hour, but keep it far away from anything else you need to do.  We don't need this getting in the way.

(2).  Use It Wisely.  Don't just ruminate, obsess, or wallow.  Ask WHY it's bad.  WHY it bothers you.  WHY it's wrong.  And follow them up with some good BECAUSES.

(3).  Contain It.  Resolve not to let these thoughts dominate you.  You still have a life to lead, and you don't owe it to anyone that wants you to feel bad.

But look what yoooooooou did!   But look what yooooooou didn't do!  But you were wrooooong!  But you screwed uuuuuuup!  I'm just sayinnnnnnn'!

Hear that?  If that voice is coming from a real live person, you can be Bulletproof and block it without letting them get under your skin.  That's not always easy to do.  But if it's coming from inside your head, then it's very easy to shut it down, by comparison.  You can mute, censor, reject, and silence that drivel anytime you choose.  You just haven't yet because it's become a habit.  But if you choose to inoculate yourself from these parasitic thoughts, you absolutely can.  Contain them, shred them, reject them, and dispose of them.

You don't own other people's behavior, actions, choices, or thoughts.  But you have exclusive domain over all of the above for yourself.  Handle them like it matters!  Don't let these things beat you.  Wrap them up in a bow and Fedex them outta here!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

There Are Friends, And There Are Fraaaaaaands

Hey All - Spring has finally sprung!

One obstacle we Bold Betas have is that we often just have a core group of friends instead of hundreds of thousands of friends.  And despite how rude, aggressive, and abrasive our adversaries are, they seem to have throngs approving of everything they do.  An unexplained phenomenon to be sure.

However, we must not be caught in the trap where we resent those with all those fraaaaaaaands, and I'll tell you why:

(1).  Those guys are expert BS artists.  They know how to pander and say things people want to hear, and they know how to target people who don't question it.

(2).  Those fraaaaaaands aren't who you really want to associate with.  Look at them - you know I don't need to elaborate.

(3).  Anyone who truly loves and respects himself knows how to be alone and use it productively.  These posers and panderers don't.  If they didn't have that throng of admirers, they'd be destitute.

Yes, friendship is an operation far more dependent on quality than on quantity.  Being fraaaaaands with, or liked by, a million acquaintances, hangers-on, fanboys, and followers, is meaningless compared to having deep, close, personal relationships with just a few good peeps who've seen you at your best and your worst, don't pass judgment on you, and accept you for exactly who you are.  There's no need to sell out stadiums when you already have the VIP's in the front row.

Yeah, those other suckers will still flaunt what they perceive to be their reputation.  And others might flock to them as if they're oblivious.  When you see that, remember the above.  

NEVER think that you are less than them because of what they have.  Instead, accentuate what you have.

Still, NEVER resent them for what they have.  Odds are more likely than not that what they have is nowhere near as great as it looks.

Do Not Deify.  Do Not Demonize.  Do Not Waste Thoughts On Them.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Other Perspectives

Hey All - February's going from a deep freeze to an early spring.  Not sure if this is Punxsatawney Phil's doing, or someone else's.

Big news in law and politics -  the death of Senior Associate Justice Antonin Scalia.  As expected, for reasons to numerous to mention, this touched off a political firestorm.  However, what caught this blogger's attention was the statement made by Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg.  In terms of how they evaluated cases before the Court, they were polar opposites.  In real life, they were, to use Justice Ginsberg's words, "best buddies."

The way our nation is so divided, this seems almost impossible.  The way arguments on social media so quickly devolve into personal attacks, the way those attacks and their responses become so acidic and vitriolic, it's an honest to goodness miracle that a civil war hasn't already started.  Say this word, you're a racist.  Say that word, you're a terrorist.  Say something I don't agree with, that somehow gives me the right to humiliate, embarrass, and insult you in public because I know everything and you need to be "taught." 

But "best buddies?"  Those whose opinions actually counted, whose findings could potentially become the law of the land, whose decisions actually had more substantial consequences than just hurt feelings . . . How on earth could they be "best buddies" under these circumstances?!?

Here are my educated guesses:

(1). Respect.  Whatever they decided did not extend beyond the four corners of the written decision that the Court issued.  They didn't taunt each other about how stupid they thought the opposing argument was over lunch.  No posturing or posing, because someone just had to be a loudmouth.  No finger pointing or name-calling at the seventh grade level.  Never making it personal.

(2).  Understanding.  Ginsberg noted that after she read Scalia's dissents, in which he ripped apart the weaknesses of Ginsberg's decisions, she was able to make the final draft that much better by becoming aware of those weaknesses and covering them.  No, it didn't mean she was bowing down to his superior intellect, it meant that she learned to write a better opinion after seeing the opposing argument.

(3). Boundaries.  To expand on what's been stated in (1), there are times you, believe it or not, keep it in check.  Maybe give it a rest sometimes.  Maybe save it for another time.  Maybe just because you feel that way is not carte blanche to start the great American debate all.  The.  Time.  Cause.  You.  Feel.  Like.  It.

As Betas, we are often intimidated into remaining silent not to offend anyone.  And then when we do work up the fortitude to say what we think, right or wrong, we are not always prepared for what could be an onslaught of opposition and criticism, because that takes even more fortitude.  

Can you hold differing opinions with friends?  If you're willing to abide by the above three suggestions, you most likely can.

But what if a friend or relative is not willing to abide by them when you are?  Welcome to Beta Male Life 101! 

They don't have to be as nice, as respectful, or as mature as a pair of Supreme Court Justices.  And you don't have to associate with them if they won't.

Don't get it twisted, if they don't hold back from personal attacks on you, especially with an audience, you shouldn't feel guilty about knocking them down a few pegs.  Nevertheless, no amount of proof will make these people change their tune, so don't expect to be a hero.  Do only what is necessary to protect yourself, leave them behind, and find better people to associate with - you shouldn't limit yourself to only those who think like you do, but you should only permit people who can respect your views the way Scalia and Ginsberg respected each other.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

The "Little Buddy" Problem.

Hey All - Happy New Year!

I've sung the praises of booting people who bash you, try to silence you, minimize you, and disrespect you.  But I've also advocated respecting those who disagree with you, but aren't doing it to put you down.  They do exist, believe it or not.

But then there's another category:  The protectors.  The fake friends.  The pseudo-bullies. The beyss artists.  The token collectors.  It requires extra scrutiny to weed them out.

Recently, I shared a story on Facebook about high school athletes who befriend and mentor elementary school children who are being bullied.  I applaud this wholeheartedly.  While it is still sad that the bullies' belief that might makes right is once again validated, it is very encouraging that there are those who are ready, willing, and able to support those who are bullied.

It's certainly comfortable to have a protector.  Someone who can deter bullies from attacking you.  Someone who can remind the bullies that they're not the juggernauts they think they are.  Someone who can reinforce boundaries of respect.  

However, the question remains - what happens if the protectors get bored?  If they become cynical of protecting those physically weaker than they are?  What if they turn on their little buddies . . . Just because they can?  Who gets protected then?

Well, I'll share with you a story from my past:

Between college and law school, I re-connected with an old friend.  It's not his real name, but I'll call him Bobby.  Bobby's parents and mine were friends for years.  He was several years older than me, so when I was in elementary school, I liked hanging out with him.  He felt like the older brother I never had.  I really trusted him.  While we had grown apart, but then started hanging out again.

So it seemed like it would be like old times again.  He'd show me a few things, and he'd have my back.  However, he had a few problems of his own.  He had a rocky relationship with his fiancée.  He ran into a patch of bad luck and was having trouble keeping a job.  And despite his outgoing nature, he had very few friends.

So how did he deal with these hard times?  By making life unpleasant for his "little buddy," who was such a goody two-shoes for getting into law school, such an inferior little man because he wasn't so outgoing, and such a pathetically easy target for non-stop criticism because just wasn't "cool."  Every time I told him it wasn't ok for him to keep doing that, he always had another excuse.

He alleged that we were just two guys going out and having a good time. In reality, it was a loudmouth who became the center of attention, and his permanent wingman who never seemed to get a word in edgewise.  Robin Hood and Little John.   Batman and Robin.   Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.  And Bobby had no problem teaching, advising, correcting, and minimizing his "little buddy" in front of everyone.  Not a single thought to how embarrassing that might have felt.

Hated.  It.   Immensely.  Once it got so bad that the woman that he was talking to waited until he went to the bathroom and asked me why I was putting up with it.   When I confronted him with it later, he said it was because I was like his "widdle bwuddah" and he "had to look out" for me, and the woman was "stupid anyway."

Somewhere in a barn, a male bovine was relieving himself the moment Bobby said this.  And I could smell it.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  While homeboy kept talking, I kept listening.  Every time he bashed lawyers out of jealousy.   Every time he talked about blue-collar workers being "real men" and white-collar workers being "not interested in the little guy."  Every time he boasted about his numerous female conquests (both before and after he got engaged), and put me down for not equaling them (despite the fact that he overtook every conversation with a woman I tried to have).  I took notes and went to work.

I emailed him out of the blue about how much I learned from his example.  So much so that I was going to withdraw from law school and work at the local junkyard.  So much that I was going to start smoking just like he did.  So much that I figured out how to talk to "the chicks," and that one of them was making breakfast for me as I was writing that email.

Then I didn't talk to him for a week.  He could not stop calling me and emailing me, but I was going to let it marinate for a while.   Finally, I got him on the phone and let him babble for a solid half hour about how proud he was of me, and that he would support "whatever choice I made."  When he stopped to take a breath, I explained to him that none of it was true, and that I emailed him this story because I got sick and tired of him judging me.   After about two minutes of shocked silence, I was treated to another half hour monologue filled with disappointment that I did not rearrange my life to mirror his, justification for his continued unacceptable behavior, and repeated assurance that he was asking "forgiveness for my sins."

I stopped talking to him on a regular basis after that.  Especially after he had to move back in with his parents who lived out of state.  

Yes, I could have told him flat out that he could either stop treating me like a child or I'd stop talking to him.  But with thanks to Lady Kharma, there was no need to do so.   Every time he bashed my career choice, he would usually get fired.  After making me look less-than in front of the opposite sex enough times, his fiancée called off the wedding.  After babbling non-stop about how he knew everything about life when he was 12, he was moving back in with his parents at 30.  As I've said before, G-D is even angrier at these people than you are, and He has better tools at His disposal.

HOW TO PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING:

As betas, we are sometimes lucky to have someone who can help us in areas where we are lacking. But having that extra protection DOES NOT MEAN that we shouldn't be aware of our own limitations.  We can stop worrying about things beyond our control and trust in G-D, but we can NOT put that much faith in other people, even if they are genuinely trying to "look out for us."  Because they are also looking out for themselves, and so should we.  Even if they're doing the right thing, they won't be around forever.

When we are Bold and Bulletproof, the need for someone to "look out for us" and keep us safe gets much less.  While it's good to have some assistance at first, we should strive to eventually become self-actualized enough that we no longer need someone to follow.  Quite frankly, at the level, it's actually a little condescending to think you still are thought of as a "little buddy."  It's very unsatisfying to play that role for a lifetime.

And if you really want protection, look above.  It's not exactly a guarantee, but there are times when you ask and He delivers.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

So How Did You Do?

Hey All - Kind of a warm day for December, isn't it?

Every year, as New Year's Eve approaches, we like to make a lot of promises to ourselves, but we often fail to follow through on them by the time MLK Day rolls around.  The main reason why this happens is that we think our transgressions of the prior year were minor, irrelevant, or tolerable.  We got so comfortable with them that we didn't seriously feel like changing them.

So how do we overcome this?  A good old fashioned performance review:

(1).  What mistakes did we make?

    (A).   Why did they happen?  Be honest!

    (B).   Did we learn from them?   If so, what did we learn?

    (C).   Is it possible to prevent them?   If so, what?

(2).   Did we disrespect someone?

    (A).   Why?   

          (i).    Would they have irreparably harmed themselves if we stayed silent?  Were they lost, blind, and oblivious to their own mistakes before we stepped in?  If so, please move along,

          (ii).   Were you angry?  In a bad mood?  Did  you let something get under your skin?  If so, how did that happen?

          (iii).   Were they alpholes?  If so, were you still Bold and Bulletproof?   Meaning, did you fire back at them only after they had tried to provoke you more than enough times?   And did they leave themselves wide open?

     (B).   What can we do to prevent reoccurrences of (i) and (ii)?  And not punish ourseives for (iii)?

(3).  Were we disrespected?

    (A).   Why?

         (i).    Did we instigate something?  See 2.A.1 and 2.   If so, was the retaliation justified?

         (ii).    Did we just show up somewhere?   See 2.A.3.  Did we respond as recommended by this very blog?

    (B).   Were we Bold and Bulletproof in the face of disrespect and bullying?  If not, why?

(4)   Who was in our lives?

    (A).   People who respected us?  And vice versa?   If not, why?

    (B).   Hangers-on?  Friends-of-friends?   People we had to tolerate because they "don't bother" someone else?   Were we able to repel their repulsiveness?  If not, why?

Yes, as you can see, I'm not the answer man this time around.  You are.  Use this checklist, which is by no means exhaustive, to evaluate your social interactions of 2015.  Feel free to expand the situations to school or work.  Take a good look at why you made the choices you did.  Detach from your review any and all negative emotional responses.  Remember your choices from 2015 only so you can make better choices in 2016.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.   I AM BETA.