Change The Programming

Hey All - Happy 1st Day of May!

The reason why we face the struggles we do is that we don't alter our responses to certain stimuli.  Sometimes bullying and abuse continues because they notice your response, expect it, and we unfortunately deliver as expected. 

If that response isn't delivering the result you want, why continue it?  If it isn't working, why not fix it?  If it just reinforces things you don't want in life, why accept them?

(1).  Something Pissing You Off?

   (A).  Think how you'd act if you weren't pissed off.  You'd be controlled.  You'd be smart.  You'd be a winner.

   (B).  Look how you're about to act.  Out of control.  Raw emotion.  Like a loose cannon.

   (C).  Which would you rather use, even if you are that pissed off?

(2).  Something From The Past Bugging You?

   (A).  How?  It's over.  It's not happening now.  Feeling bad about doesn't change anything about what happened.

   (B).  Why?  Because you feel guilty?  Because you were mistaken?  Because the usual wiseasses say shit about it?  That's not a death sentence, despite what it must feel like.

   (C).  What if you could just scan that crap, shred the original document, file it away, and not even look at it?  And if it takes up too much space, set a timer to delete it?

(3).  Something Coming Soon You're Worried About?

   (A).  Is it happening right this minute?  Is it guaranteed to be a bad thing?  Is there a possibility, large or small, that what can happen is a good thing?
   (B).  If there is a possibility that it could be "mayyyyyybe something good, mayyyyyybe something bad," as they used to say on Ren & Stimpy, wouldn't it be better to think about the favorable outcome?
   (C).  Isn't Before Better?  Isn't this a chance to better prepare for what's coming?  And wouldn't that be a little more constructive that just plain worrying?

I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating:  Our brains are programmed much the way computers and smartphones are.  If we want to change the way these devices are programmed, we have to reboot them, upgrade them, or sometimes get completely new devices.  If we want to change the way our brains are programmed, the steps we take are actually much easier.

The only reason why it seems harder is because it requires constant repetition.  The same way schoolchildren have to learn things by rote, by constant reminders of what they need to know, we have to learn how to change our thoughts and habits be reminding ourselves to do it every day.  Even if we don't feel like it.  Even if it's annoying.  Even if it's a pain in the ass.  We Must Make Ourselves Do It Anyway.

Our adversaries expect us to fold and worry because they derive pleasure from it.  No, they shouldn't do that, but they still do.  So prove their expectations to be wrong.  Fake them out.  School 'em.  Boot 'em.  Show them that nothing they do . . . not One Damn Thing . . . can make us feel bad about ourselves, make us run away, or make us feel like we're less than them.  I don't care how LOUD they talk, how MUCH they show off, or how many fraaaaaaands they claim to have.  They don't make the rules, and they don't tell you that you're less than they are.  No matter what.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE AND NOTHING CHANGES THAT.

How Would You Like To Feel If You Had A Choice?

Hi All!  I have a separate blog for the younger folks.  But for the rest of us Generation X'ers, here's another reality check.

It's a very human thing to experience feelings and emotions, and it's also very human to react in response to something that happens to you.  The only problem is, we forget that we actually have the ability to control these reactions, regardless of what our feelings and emotions are.  And even more than that, we actually have the power to control those feelings and emotions too!

REACTIONS:

Life is not a steady stream of being provided with what we want, exactly when we want, and precisely how we want it.  Trains and traffic delay us.  Other people rub us the wrong way.  People ignore us, or don't give us their full attention.

People tell us we're wrong, and spend painfully long periods of time telling us why.  Better yet, people get silent when we're right and speak into a megaphone when we're wrong!  People annoy us.

People make mistakes.  We make mistakes.  People tell us we make mistakes, every single time we make a mistake, and then tell you you're mistaken in pointing out their mistakes.  The mistakes lead to even more mistakes and mistakes on top of mistakes!

As aggravating as they are, we don't actually have to get angry when these things happen.  We can choose to keep our cool.  If it's something that someone else did, we can relax with the knowledge that it's out of our control.  And if it's something that we did, we can remedy the situation first and react when it's all done.  That way we're never in the heat of the moment.

FEELINGS:

Nothing seems more natural then psychological self-flagellation over the mistakes we make.  Nothing seems more normal than worrying about what may or may not happen.  How sad that really is.

Like I said above, when a mistake is made, we act first and react later.  That way, the act of correcting the mistake is not emotionally compromised, and the reaction will not be an overreaction because everything that could have been done already has been.

Worrying is the most destructive thing you can do.  Instead, the same way that a criminal defendant is presumed innocent until proven guilty, presume that there is no reason to worry unless proven otherwise!

That doesn't mean be irresponsible, of course.  Preparation and intelligence are not the same as worrying.  Rather, they eliminate the need to worry to begin with!

The point of this post is that our feelings and reactions are not automatically generated by what happens to us, even if it is unpleasant.  We have the unchallenged power to hold our reactions in check, and to render our moments or regret and worry nonexistent.

Well that's my thing for tonight -- let's put it all into practice!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

Emotional Discipline

Hey hey, it's Sunday night!  You know what that means.

Stop me if I mentioned this before.  Actually, don't.  You see, there's nothing wrong with bringing up a prior topic, because if it everything was said and done, I wouldn't be bringing it up now. 

One trait that we beta males have that is both our greatest strength and our biggest stumbling block is our emotional capacity.  By definition, we are more sensitive than the alpholes, who are strangely admired for the devil-may-care approach.  While this leads to better moral choices, it also stunts our growth and leaves us in a rut.

There is nothing wrong with caring for others.  There is something wrong with putting everyone else's needs over our own.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurt.  There is something wrong with admitting it to people who are unwilling or unable to actually help you get through it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel something is unfair or unjust.  There is something wrong with "just saying" that, and not making a real change.

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  There is something wrong using that anger destructively.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a fight.  There is something wrong with initiating or provoking a fight and then running away from it.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about something bad that might happen.  There is something wrong with immobilizing yourself with fear and worry because you assume the worst case scenario.

There is nothing wrong with stating that you have been wronged.  There is something wrong with thinking about how you've been wronged over and over again without actually making an attempt to rectify it.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing the past.  There is something wrong with still living there and not living in the present.

There is nothing wrong with showing compassion.  There is something wrong with showing it to people who don't deserve your time or attention.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your mistakes.  There is something wrong with begging forgiveness from people who are too arrogant to accept your apology.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are wrong and made a mistake.  There is something wrong with self-flagellation and self-loathing because you made that mistake.

There is nothing wrong with mourning a loss.  There is something wrong with using the loss as a crutch and an excuse long after that loss is gone.

There is nothing wrong with charity.  There is something wrong with enabling and spoiling.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace.  There is something wrong with using peace as an excuse to permit unacceptable behavior.

There is nothing wrong with having independent thoughts.  There is something wrong with aggressively forcing those thoughts on others without respecting their differences.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with what they have said or done.  There is something wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with anything they have said or done, or that you do not agree with their very existence.

Now that I've given enough examples, it's plain to see that they key to accepting ourselves, and in turn, earning respect in this life, is to keep our emotions in check.  Our reactions, no matter how justified, are stumbling blocks if they are not used properly.  If we speak too quickly in anger, we will say things that we may be forced to apologize for later.  If we react out of fear, we will be immobilized and prevented from growing and maturing.  If we show compassion and caring to those who have not earned it from us, we will be made into targets and victims, because we've given those people a lifetime free pass to hurt us with impunity.

Don't have a pure heart with an empty head.  Instead, have a full heart ruled by logical, self-governing, and independent mind.  And never, EVER, be ruled by a mouth.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Thanksgiving Revelations

I spent Thanksgiving with my parents, drank with an old friend, and shared the joy with someone on my return.

I experienced an awakening of sorts - or more like a gentle reminder of what should already be known.

(1).  You don't need anyone's permission to relax.

If we're self-actualized, we have responsibilities.  If we have responsibilities, we need to think about them.  But not all the time!  We can't resolve issues with people who are not even in the room.

Give it a rest sometimes.  Pretend your brain has the same Settings app that the iPhone does and turn the wifi off when there's nothing you can do at the moment.

To continue with the previous post, you can also disable the annoyances and daydreams that pop up on your internal newsfeed.  For real, it works!  It really is possible to temporarily acknowledge that something is unpleasant or irritating without losing your temper.  The amount of tolerance is up to you, since nobody's a saint.  But not every annoyance requires attack mode.  Some of them you can simply deal with at no cost, without getting angry, and ruining your own time. You really can deal with them calmly, or maybe even not deal with them.

(2).  The better you focus, the less you worry.

Part of the reason we get sleepless nights is that we need to be more productive when we're awake.  There's less of a reason to worry when you take care of things sooner rather than later.

(3).  You really can be honest with people and still be nice.

Decades ago, I knew people who delighted in insulting and degrading people, and always said "I'm only being honest" as a permanent get-out-of-jail card.  It still amazes me how people like this are able to recruit so many followers, but they still did.  

I would never advocate their brand of "honesty," but there are times when fawning over some Emperor's new clothes is just as bad as doing their deeds.  There are far too many people who have no concept of respecting others, but have still not received consequences for their actions.  I have a name for those people, and you all know what that is.  :)

Like I said above, not every annoyance is a fight.  But when dealing with people who just never learned how to behave, there's nothing wrong with patiently educating them, as someone else failed to, what behavior is more acceptable.  You don't need to be confrontational.  You just need to explain why the behavior is not acceptable, and why it needs to change.

This is where some of my critics attack me - they think might makes right, and that anyone who doesn't follow their approach is weak or effeminate.  If I lived in a comic book/RPG fantasy world, and was taught that physical intimidation is the only way to deal with people, I'd agree.  But I can't.  Might makes right can be seen all over the news and YouTube, and I'm not impressed.

We are Bold and Bulletproof, but we're still Betas.  We don't have hair trigger tempers.  We don't need to impress people every minute.  We just need to amaze ourselves, that's all.

With the right amount of respect, it's perfectly ok to be tactfully honest with others.  There is no need to assume that every situation is the worst case scenario.  Later posts will deal with situations that escalate.  But since we're not trapped in a Call Of Duty video game, the likelihood of that happening is rather slim.  Sometimes a polite explanation really does work wonders.

I consider the above to be revelations because, although they arise out of common sense, they're very easy to forget.  I remembered them, and I'm thankful.

Happy Holidays!