Containment and Control

Happy Sunday, All.  Hope you're dressing in multiple layers!

What holds us back from achieving emotional maturity is negative thinking.  Anger at someone else, fear about what might happen, regret/self-punishment over what did happen, and grudges against others.

Are these feelings valid?  Yes.  There are people in this world who aren't good to us or for us, and we might not have the luxury of simply getting rid of them.  There are unknown events waiting for us around the bend that we're not confident about, and there are mistakes that we've made that haunt us.  That's all real.

But it's not all of reality.  Not by a long shot.

Someone else can back me up with the scientific data, but it seems that negative thoughts and attitudes have a much stronger pull on people that positive, happy, peaceful and sedate thoughts do.  That's why we see so many fights and arguments on social media.  This also why some people, even after they reach middle age, somehow find themselves involved in juvenile drama and conflict.  Moreover, it's why some people can't move forward and deal with the here-and-now - they're playing a non-stop rerun marathon of everything that they remember badly, over and over again.

(1) Recognition:

There are reasons why we have these negative thoughts, and they're mostly valid, as set forth above.  We need to recognize when these thoughts are popping up before we address them.

(2) Limitation:

Excuse the analogy, but let's consider our bladder and bowel functions.  When we are newborns, we just "let 'em rip," whenever and wherever we feel like.  However, the first lesson our parents teach us is to handle these functions in one place, and one place only.  Once we learn that, we eventually learn how to exercise a fair amount of control over the timing of these functions so that we can use them in this one particular place in a way that we can dispose of the results without subjecting anyone else to the sight, sound, or texture of them. 

And, oh yeah . . . when we're finished with that business, we flush it away so nobody else, with all due respect to the plumbing industry, has to deal with it.

Believe it or not, we can do the same thing with our thoughts.  We can limit the time, place, and circumstances of when we have them.  And when we're done, we can flush them away, light a match or candle, and walk away relieved.

No, I don't mean not preparing yourself for a task you have to perform tomorrow or next week.  Prepare, by all means, but if the toilet analogy doesn't feel right, then just close the file on it once you've finished your preparation.  Either way, once you've done your business, please remove yourself from the toilet.  Waiting in the bathroom all day for your biological cycle to repeat would not make sense, because you'd miss everything else.  Don't do it mentally, either.

(3) Disposal:

Can you control what it is you're thinking about?  Get to it sooner rather than later.  If possible, do it now and be finished with it!  If you can't do it now, write a note for yourself to do it later.  Place it on your to-do list with a reminder on a certain date and and time.  That way you won't have to worry about forgetting it.

Can't control it?  Then stop thinking about it, period.  That doesn't mean never think about it.  It means think about it, and then stop thinking about it.  Those thoughts don't get to rule your life, you do.

And as I've said before, sometimes that means getting rid of people who trigger those thoughts.  If you can't do that, you can still remain unflappable in in their presence, and refuse to allow them to poison your mind or trip your triggers.  But still, removing them is the best option.

WE DO NOT LIVE ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW.  We are not trapped in a cycle of hate and fear.  We are also not trapped with those who try to manipulate us into feeling hate and fear, and them blame us for feeling them.  We decide what to think and what not to think, and we also decide whom is permitted to influence our thoughts.

But what about different perspectives?  But what about learning something?  OK.  We'll consider the source first.  We don't judge books by covers, but after we've read them, we can, and must, decide what we think of it.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

The Heart of Armor, Revisited

Hey All, it's about that time.

This weekend, I advanced my technology just a bit.  Well, more like I renewed a part of my technology that I hadn't discussed in a while.

Part of being emotionally mature means finding a way to deal with any and all negative thoughts.  Can we experience fear, pain, anxiety, anger, frustration, etc.?  Absolutely.  But we need to experience them without being ruled by them.

Years ago, I talked about a Heart of Armor.  That means there is a part of your mind/heart/soul that is completely, protected, insulated, and secure from the above negative emotions.  That means you don't think about that project at work when you're at the beach.  That also means you don't start immediately showing a mental rerun of bad stuff that happened just because you see or hear something that reminds you of it (that crap might work on Family Guy, but it doesn't work in your mind).

You might be aware of troubles and challenges - you kinda need to be - but there is a protected part of you that you never, ever, let those troubles and challenges affect.  If it's not in front of you that minute, you keep any thought of it in check.  If it is in front of you that minute, then handle it.  Regardless, you must keep those stress-causing, agita-inducing thoughts way out of your zone.

This way, you don't personalize or internalize the problems.  You don't make it all about you when it isn't.  And when it is all about you, you still don't let it immobilize, paralyze, or hurt you.

There is a difference between accepting responsibility for something, when you must, and hurting yourself.  When people know your weaknesses, they will try to make you feel like hurting yourself with no remorse and no regret.  It is our job, and only our job, to prevent this from happening at all costs.  Not just to protect us from them.  But also from ourselves.

When we can be aware of what is around us, good or bad, without being distracted or emotionally triggered by it, half the battle is won.  Our tormentors will realize that they're not getting the out-of-control reaction they wanted.  Our supporters will respect us more than otherwise.

"But I'm so passionate!"  "But I'm so outgoing!"  "But I'm just so badass I can't be contained!"

You may or may not be reading the wrong blog, friend.  Or more likely, you can use that passion with discipline and control.  That way you bring about positive results, and not just more and more debates and arguments.

More importantly, that way you don't get your buttons pushed.  You control your emotions, they don't control you.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Emotional Maturity - From The Beginning

Hey All - a real chill in the air, and it's not just the weather.

One reason why we react the way we do to everyday issues and troubles is because we got used to doing it a certain way at an early age.  Childhood and adolescence, those "Wonder Years."  We get stuck in a pattern, our responses get rehearsed so many times they become automatic.  So it's very easy to stop changing and growing at some point.

But believe it or not, this can be altered and upgraded.  Any.  Time.  We.  Feel.  Like.  It.

It's not an on/off switch like our more critical neighbors like to believe.  But it is within our power nonetheless.

(1).  Preparation.

This right here is the most important part.  Our self-talk can keep us stuck in the holding pattern of getting annoyed, argumentative, defensive, or enraged at the same provocation.  We keep thinking, I can't stand this guy, this woman is so stupid, this kid should shut up, so our brains become wired to always think of that person in a negative light.  It's like you see their face and name on a jumbo-tron and your internal capacity crowd starts booing and cursing!  So when you actually see them, Guess What Happens?

To avoid this, flip the script.  Find a way to stop this internal Two-Minute Hate.  Such as:

    (A).  Decide that you will not react that way.  Because they don't make you angry, you get angry.  And you can also not get angry.

    (B).  Prepare responses that will diffuse your reactions, and not manipulate them further.  Those that will repel anything that would otherwise trip a trigger.  Those that will make you, and anyone else, smile, and not fume.

(2).  Execution.

Commit yourself.  Do not show fear, pain, or anger.  As stated above, do not absorb.  Repel.  Block the shots.  Use your stick to deflect it, use your glove to smother it.  Be Bulletproof!

You knew I was going there, ha ha!

(3).  Follow Through.

Don't be that guy.  Don't wait until they leave the room and say, What a nasty woman, what a loud mouth ass, I thought they'd never shut up.  That just undoes everything we already did!  It makes it seem like an act, and that you're not really that mature at all!

After the encounter, exhale.  Breathe a sigh of relief.  Pat yourself on the back for keeping it together, and dismiss them from your thoughts.

Chances are, they won't expect the change.  Shock 'em.  It's very powerful to stay calm when you're expected to fly off the handle.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

All In The Timing

Hey All -- hope you're enjoying the summer!

Lately, I haven't been talking about our adversaries.  However, someone once said that it is wise to study the ways of one's adversary.  And so let's review:

One big difference between us and the alpholes is that they choose to be aggressive at times when it is completely unnecessary to do so.  Maybe they do this because "it's the way they're made."  Maybe they had a disapproving parent who was that way too.  Maybe they feel a need to show their crowd that they're tough enough to hang with them.

Here's the world's smallest violin playing "Hearts & Flowers" for them.  NONE OF THAT makes it acceptable to push others around.  NONE OF THAT means that we should permit them to shove us so they'll feel better.  And despite opinion to the contrary, NONE OF THAT makes them winners.

Their downfall is that they're aggressive when they shouldn't be, and they're NOT aggressive when they should be.  To overcome this, we must choose our battles far more wisely than they do.

Ummmm, Daaaaaave?  Who are you to judge these poor, innocent victims, who have every right to be this way?  How do yoooooou know when to be aggressive and when not to be?

I'm glad somebody asked me!  Aggression is obviously tied to the "fight or flight" response that we're all born with.  The difference is that the alpholes think the "fight" switch should be on whenever someone weaker than them is within hearing difference, and that the "flight" switch should be on whenever the consequences of their actions materialize.  But when should these two responses be set?  Here you go:

WHEN TO BE AGGRESSIVE:
(1)  When you have a dream or a goal to achieve.
(2)  When distractions get in the way of that dream or goal.
(3)  When you have a job to do.
(4)  When you need to find a job to do, because you don't already have one.
(5)  When your life is in danger.
(6)  When you are faced with imminent bodily harm.  And someone saying they'll cause it does not make it imminent.
(7)  When you have exhausted all good faith efforts to avoid or alleviate conflict, and the proper authorities have not solved the problem already.
(8)  When someone makes a mistake, refuses to accept responsibility for it, and points fingers at everyone else.

WHEN NOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE:
(1)  When you think it's funny to disparage someone.
(2)  When someone is irritating or annoying you.  This does not rise to the level where aggression is needed, no matter how unpleasant it is.
(3)  When non-conflict remedies have not yet been utilized.
(4)  When someone's opinion is different from yours.  You can be assertive in expressive your opinion, but beating someone over the head is not necessary.
(5)  When presented with minor inconveniences.
(6)  When you're disappointed with your own shortcomings.  Instead, be gentle with yourself, but learn from whatever errors were made.
(7)  When someone else makes a mistake and they own up to it.

Of course, these lists are by no means exhaustive.  But notice how easily this is demonstrated in outline format?  How it eliminates all ambiguity that the know-it-alls and posers wish they could point out?  I've got someone very close to me to thank for that.

In our daily struggle to remain Bold and Bulletproof, we must embrace the fact that we are different from these other types, and use our differences to our advantages.  This is only one of several ways that this can be done, and others will follow.

See ya all!!!!!

Emotional Discipline

Hey hey, it's Sunday night!  You know what that means.

Stop me if I mentioned this before.  Actually, don't.  You see, there's nothing wrong with bringing up a prior topic, because if it everything was said and done, I wouldn't be bringing it up now. 

One trait that we beta males have that is both our greatest strength and our biggest stumbling block is our emotional capacity.  By definition, we are more sensitive than the alpholes, who are strangely admired for the devil-may-care approach.  While this leads to better moral choices, it also stunts our growth and leaves us in a rut.

There is nothing wrong with caring for others.  There is something wrong with putting everyone else's needs over our own.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurt.  There is something wrong with admitting it to people who are unwilling or unable to actually help you get through it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel something is unfair or unjust.  There is something wrong with "just saying" that, and not making a real change.

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  There is something wrong using that anger destructively.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a fight.  There is something wrong with initiating or provoking a fight and then running away from it.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about something bad that might happen.  There is something wrong with immobilizing yourself with fear and worry because you assume the worst case scenario.

There is nothing wrong with stating that you have been wronged.  There is something wrong with thinking about how you've been wronged over and over again without actually making an attempt to rectify it.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing the past.  There is something wrong with still living there and not living in the present.

There is nothing wrong with showing compassion.  There is something wrong with showing it to people who don't deserve your time or attention.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your mistakes.  There is something wrong with begging forgiveness from people who are too arrogant to accept your apology.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are wrong and made a mistake.  There is something wrong with self-flagellation and self-loathing because you made that mistake.

There is nothing wrong with mourning a loss.  There is something wrong with using the loss as a crutch and an excuse long after that loss is gone.

There is nothing wrong with charity.  There is something wrong with enabling and spoiling.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace.  There is something wrong with using peace as an excuse to permit unacceptable behavior.

There is nothing wrong with having independent thoughts.  There is something wrong with aggressively forcing those thoughts on others without respecting their differences.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with what they have said or done.  There is something wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with anything they have said or done, or that you do not agree with their very existence.

Now that I've given enough examples, it's plain to see that they key to accepting ourselves, and in turn, earning respect in this life, is to keep our emotions in check.  Our reactions, no matter how justified, are stumbling blocks if they are not used properly.  If we speak too quickly in anger, we will say things that we may be forced to apologize for later.  If we react out of fear, we will be immobilized and prevented from growing and maturing.  If we show compassion and caring to those who have not earned it from us, we will be made into targets and victims, because we've given those people a lifetime free pass to hurt us with impunity.

Don't have a pure heart with an empty head.  Instead, have a full heart ruled by logical, self-governing, and independent mind.  And never, EVER, be ruled by a mouth.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.