Emotional Discipline

Hey hey, it's Sunday night!  You know what that means.

Stop me if I mentioned this before.  Actually, don't.  You see, there's nothing wrong with bringing up a prior topic, because if it everything was said and done, I wouldn't be bringing it up now. 

One trait that we beta males have that is both our greatest strength and our biggest stumbling block is our emotional capacity.  By definition, we are more sensitive than the alpholes, who are strangely admired for the devil-may-care approach.  While this leads to better moral choices, it also stunts our growth and leaves us in a rut.

There is nothing wrong with caring for others.  There is something wrong with putting everyone else's needs over our own.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurt.  There is something wrong with admitting it to people who are unwilling or unable to actually help you get through it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel something is unfair or unjust.  There is something wrong with "just saying" that, and not making a real change.

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  There is something wrong using that anger destructively.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a fight.  There is something wrong with initiating or provoking a fight and then running away from it.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about something bad that might happen.  There is something wrong with immobilizing yourself with fear and worry because you assume the worst case scenario.

There is nothing wrong with stating that you have been wronged.  There is something wrong with thinking about how you've been wronged over and over again without actually making an attempt to rectify it.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing the past.  There is something wrong with still living there and not living in the present.

There is nothing wrong with showing compassion.  There is something wrong with showing it to people who don't deserve your time or attention.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your mistakes.  There is something wrong with begging forgiveness from people who are too arrogant to accept your apology.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are wrong and made a mistake.  There is something wrong with self-flagellation and self-loathing because you made that mistake.

There is nothing wrong with mourning a loss.  There is something wrong with using the loss as a crutch and an excuse long after that loss is gone.

There is nothing wrong with charity.  There is something wrong with enabling and spoiling.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace.  There is something wrong with using peace as an excuse to permit unacceptable behavior.

There is nothing wrong with having independent thoughts.  There is something wrong with aggressively forcing those thoughts on others without respecting their differences.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with what they have said or done.  There is something wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with anything they have said or done, or that you do not agree with their very existence.

Now that I've given enough examples, it's plain to see that they key to accepting ourselves, and in turn, earning respect in this life, is to keep our emotions in check.  Our reactions, no matter how justified, are stumbling blocks if they are not used properly.  If we speak too quickly in anger, we will say things that we may be forced to apologize for later.  If we react out of fear, we will be immobilized and prevented from growing and maturing.  If we show compassion and caring to those who have not earned it from us, we will be made into targets and victims, because we've given those people a lifetime free pass to hurt us with impunity.

Don't have a pure heart with an empty head.  Instead, have a full heart ruled by logical, self-governing, and independent mind.  And never, EVER, be ruled by a mouth.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM ME.

Grabbing the Tiger By The Toe!

Hi All -- did you remember to spring ahead?

Many things anger us:  the guy in the subway is a rude jerk, someone on the street is annoying, somebody and school or work seems to always "get away" with things that would get you suspended fired in a nanosecond.  Somebody gives you bad information, somebody laughs at your opinions, someone just always has to say that you're wrong, or just always has to brag about how much better they are than you.

You're actually allowed to be angry at them -- for One Minute.  And I mean one minute only.  That is your window of opportunity to either confront the problem or dismiss it.  This can actually be deferred to a later time when circumstances prevent an immediate reaction, but it cannot be extended.  You also have the third option of venting your anger in a safe place with someone you trust, but it's still only one minute.  After that, your thoughts must go elsewhere.

Stewing, fuming, gossiping, and bashing has never solved a problem in history.  It has only made them worse.

If you must re-visit this anger, either (a) use it from a position of strength to build, create, or take other types of needed action, or (b) diffuse it.  If that anger gives you power, fuel, and gusto to clean your house from top to bottom, write an unbeatable legal brief, or help a child build a toy with incomprehensible instructions, so be it!  If not, then either work it out through various forms of exercise, or smooth it out through various forms of meditation and relaxation.

Point being, as I've stated before, self-actualization means to control anger, and not to be controlled by it.  Grab the tiger by the toe, or it will eat all ten of yours!!!!!!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.   I AM BETA. 

Realistic Frustration

Hey All.

Just another little note on anger.  Yes, I've discussed how it can never be used from a position of weakness.  But what if you're still feeling it anyway?

Is it there?  Yes.  Is there sometimes an honest reason to feel it?  No doubt.  Does that mean you suppress it, bury it down deep, and leave it unaddressed?  No.  No no no no no no NO!!!!!!!!!!

(1) Find a way to say what's bugging you, but don't say it like it's owning you.  There's nothing wrong with expressing that you're not cool with something that has just happened, or is currently happening, provided you don't flip out like Jim Harbaugh coaching the 49'ers.

(he gets a free pass because he knows what he's doing.  And he himself was coached by Mike Ditka, so he was trained to be that way)

But since you are experiencing every day frustrations, the kind that are not on national TV, you can have a calm and rational reaction, even if you are angry or frustrated at the time.

OK, great.  Now you've said it.  Now it's out of your system.  It's been established.  No repetition required.  NOW YOU CAN STOP EXPRESSING IT AS QUICKLY AS YOU'VE STARTED!

(2) Transfer the energy from expression to effort.  After you've finished saying why you're angry, it's time to use that anger for something other than just being angry.  You can:

  (A).  Laugh at the situation.  Humor is the best medicine, trust me, I know.  You already know why it sucks, now make the fact that it sucks funny.  BEST WAY THERE IS to deal with it!  For example, if you're waiting on a line that doesn't budge, start whistling Finale from "William Tell Overture."  And if you're on line right behind someone who takes too long, and asks too many questions, start whistling the "Jeopardy" theme.  And if a train is delayed or you're stuck in traffic, tell everyone within earshot, "I feel a lot of love around me right now."

  (B).  Defeat or diffuse the situation.  If someone behind you in a public place is talking really loudly and discussing a lot of personal information, thank them for sharing, and suggest discussing it somewhere else so others may hear.  If you're nice to someone, and they're rude to you, being mockingly sweet and ingratiating!  If someone corrects you, thank them for their advanced knowledge and recognize them as authorities on the subject.  If the aforementioned delays are slowing things down, either find another method of transportation once you're able, or leave the line.

(C).  Once it's over, let it be over.  DO NOT rehash it.  DO NOT air dirty laundry.  DO NOT "zap" people with "remember when yooooooou did thiiiiiiis!"  Your purpose in life is not to shoot down or judge others, your purpose is self-actualize.  Have the discipline to disarm yourself once your weapons are no longer needed.

And now that that's done, you can go back to enjoying the plethora of things about life that are good, that are satisfying, that are pleasant, and are often taken for granted.  You'd be surprised how many of those there are, but because someone hard-wired us with this stupid fight-or-flight instinct that is no longer needed, the things that anger us still grasp our attention more than those that elevate us.

As we saw in the Bible portion, Jacob's sons broke a long-standing trend.  Why don't we?  Instead of doing things that end up on YouTube, how about we be firm and honest, but mature?

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

To Rise Above It

Hey All -- it's Sunday night again -- time for all my peeps and followers to groove to my words and to soak in my knowledge.

Hm.  Not sure where that came from.  But I digress.

I've posted many times about anger, about how it can wreak havoc on our lives and psyches if not controlled, and how it can be used constructively instead.  To add just a little bit to that, I've discovered a visualization technique that can help keep it at bay.

(1)  Close your eyes and take one deep breath.  All the way in, and all the way out.
(2)  Raise your right hand, palm down, and keep it level with your chin.
(3)  Curl it into a fist.
(4)  Place your left hand on top of it, pressing down on it.
(5)  Inhale deeply.
(6)  Exhale slowly.  As you do so, lower your right by pushing down slowly with your left hand.  Stop when you get to waist level.
(7)  Inhale deeply once more.
(8)  Exhale slowly.  As you do so, bring your hands to your sides and shrug your shoulders back.
(9)  Straighten your back and contract your abdomen.
(10)  Hold the position.

You were about to drown in anger -- like an ocean of lava or toxic acid.  Instead, you kept your head above water, pulled yourself out of the pit, and then shrugged off all remnants of it.  You are now on sold dry land, above the storm and chaos, and you are able to think clearly and see the problem for all that it's worth.  Nothing that happens can draw you back into the abyss.

Obviously, running can drive these feelings out of you better than anything else.  But if you find your feet confined to Florsheims, heels, or work boots instead of Asics, and can't bust out the door with a 7:30 pace, this should serve as a gap filler.

If you don't want people to actually see you perform these motions, just think of them while breather, but still perform 8-10, as they're still good for your posture and your core.  It'll also make you look just a little bit badass.  ;)

Feel free to repeat it a few times.  Chances are, you may still feel some anger in spite of what you visualize.  Picture it as "swimmer's ear."  Feel free to do that old-school swimmer's exercise to get it out.  :)

Just to reinforce the prior posts, you control the anger, it does not control you.  And if you want to be able to use it, make sure you are operating from a position of strength, and that you have a clear and obstructed shot to take.  Then, and only then, can the anger make you a winner.  Otherwise, it can only defeat you because you didn't handle it the right way.

DISCLAIMER:  Don't read into this, peeps, your boy ain't fuming or snapping at anyone.  He just may have figured something out, is all.

Last but not least, a good friend of mine has set up a site on Facebook to set forth her political and societal views.  You'll find that the topics tend to grow out of the blue perspective of life, and that's somewhat different from the content of this blog, but it's worth a read anyway.  Feel free to click on:  https://www.facebook.com/TheMoralCompass

Night, all!

Sharing Our Thoughts - An Extra Post

The answers to many of our problems are not immediately made clear.  Sometimes they involve painstaking research of authoritative sources.  Other times, they involve deep soul-searching, which is far more difficult.  And yes, sometimes, they're out here in the blogosphere, and they involve answers both from within and without.

Tonight, I was about to post something, as a follow-up to the post about the Connecticut shooting, that would have been full of righteous anger, pain-driven fury, and unresolved grudges.  However, a faithful reader of mine, who will go nameless, reminded me of one of my earlier posts, namely "Who's In Control" from January 29, 2012, where I talked about how to maintain control over the thought process and not be consumed by stress, fear, anger, hate, etc.  She can be credited not only with (a) reminding me that once my words are out there, people do read them; and (b) completely altering what I was about to post.  So you see, the answer was already within me (I wrote it and apparently needed to re-read it), and was also external (she reminded me about it)!

(see also, "Don't Hulk Out," from November 20, 2011)

What can I say . . .  even though I present myself as an amateur guru/philosopher/anti-bullying crusader/self-help authority, I'm still flesh and blood.  I still get angry sometimes, and if something gets under my skin deep enough, I need to proceed carefully with a metaphorical tweezers to remove it.  It appears that my friend just provided them, helped me remove this splinter of negativity, and even cleanse the wound to prevent infection . . . and she did it by saying "Look, David, I found your tweezers!"

Hey, even Richard Carlson has been reminded to not "sweat the small stuff" by his children many a time!

This friend of mind has also been blogging quite a bit about her own life experiences, and they appear to be a fascinating read.  She's chosen to do it anonymously, which I respect, but she's also granted permission to me to post a link to it.  Check the blogroll down below, and you'll see it.

So that's my second of two posts for this Sunday night.  Have a good week, all!

Don't Hulk Out!

Of course, I'm not referring to the former WWF champion who told kids to "say their prayers and eat their vitamins," and threatened to have Hulkamania run wild on his opponents.  I mean that brainchild of Stan Lee who turned into a green-skinned giant whenever he got angry!

Lately I've been talking about things that should make us angry, specifically bullies and the enablers who keep them around.  The anger they inspire should manifest itself in action:  to set boundaries, to grow backbones, to reject and condemn those who (still) expect to get away with it, and to eliminate it from our lives.  But what if you're feeling anger for the same of anger, ranting for the sake of ranting, and hate for the sake of hate -- with no constructive purpose to use it for????

You're in trouble, that's what!

If you sit in a dark room by yourself, thinking only about things that make you angry, and don't do anything about it, you've introduced a parasite into your psyche.  You have injected a tapeworm into your brain and allowed it to eat away at everything that would otherwise be healthy and positive.  You have transformed your anger into resentment, which can kill you just like smoking or overeating can:  it's a disgusting habit that slowly erodes everything good -- the difference being that smoking and overeating destroy the body, while resentment destroys your mind, your soul, and your personality.

Psychologists describe resentment as the result of suppressed or repressed anger.  The only way to prevent resentment is to use it properly.  It is a weapon meant to be used from a position of strength to make needed changes.  It is not a crutch, it is not an excuse, and it is not permission for you to do or say things that hurt those who don't deserve it.  If you think it is, you're putting your own psyche through a meat-grinder!

So what if you're someplace where you can't get rid of it at the moment?  Keep thinking about it at that moment, you'll get distracted and sloppy, you'll lose your focus and your energy, and the source of your anger will (yet again) get off scot-free!

Being a long-distance runner, let me use the marathon as an example.  The marathon is the ultimate endurance exercise for your body and your mind.  You train your body by constant activity, putting it through the distance and time it will take to finish the rate.  You also train your mind for the same thing.  That means you visualize turning on your speed at Mile 18.  That means you think about friends or family who will call at your name and hold up big signs on the course!  And that means you DO NOT think about whether your time is too slow, whether you shut the oven off, whether you missed a deadline at work, or whether someone made you angry and you wish you could tell them off right then and there.  And if ANY of those thoughts are creeping into your head, scuffing your shoes, or slowing your stride, TURN THEM OFF, OR YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF LIMPING TO THE FINISH LINE TOMORROW WHILE EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE HOME!

In other words, tell yourself to "stop," and then for the next minute or two, don't think about anything.  Maybe slow your pace to a jog while doing this, but whatever you need to do, get it out of your head.  You're running a marathon, and that's not a time to be carrying excess baggage.  Get your head in the race, and not up somewhere else!  ;)

If those malcontents and jabroni's knew that you were giving them a piggy-back ride to the finish line, they'd probably laugh out loud because they won (again)!  And if you're doing something else you like other than that, imagine how bad it would be giving them a free lunch, or a free hotel stay in your head.  Thinking about anyone or anything that makes you mad while you're trying to do something that you enjoy is ridiculous.  Once you're able to do something about it, you pull the trigger, but they don't get to have your thoughts when it's your time, and not them!

Don't misread me, I'm not saying that anger is better when it's repressed, far from it!  What I'm saying is that your anger must be controlled, harnessed, and dominated, because IT WORKS FOR YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!  When it's the wrong time, turn it off.  When it's the right time, and you're using it the right way, then and only then, TURN IT ON AND GO DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU decide when the anger comes out, and YOU decide when to keep it together.  Times when the source of your anger is not present and not causing you trouble, directly or indirectly, is when you keep it together.  Times that they are crossing a line, and they are talking trash, and they are expecting to perform yet another action without a consequence, DON'T HOLD BACK, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you're mature, you pick your battles and the times you fight them, and not the other way around.  It's your mind, it's your life, it's your manhood.  Show them all who's boss and make them do their jobs right!  You can't control all the gangsters in this world, but you can, and must, control you.

I'd like to thank two of my toughest critics for this one.  Please feel free to comment!

Thoughts For A Rainy Sunday -- Control and Disposition of Anger

Hey Peeps --
Kept inside today for a rainy day.  Gave me time to think a few things over.

(1)  Anger Against Others.

I've talked a lot about improving self-esteem and cracking down on those who hurt it.  But as we've all tended to realize, yet not always wanted to admit, the person most responsible for our self esteem is OURSELVES.

Staying angry at people who've wronged us may initially feel like a tool of empowerment.  You can reinforce the fact that they did wrong and we did not, and that makes us feel like winners.  But if the anger stays, the winning feeling doesn't.  Instead, the anger eats away at you like a cancer, drains your energy, and leaves you feeling miserable and unlovable.

Trust me on this, I know.  When people wronged me in the past, going back as far as junior high school, I'd hold onto that anger for years, sometimes even a decade or two.  A name or a place would be just enough to trigger feelings of unfinished business and wrongs without consequences, and leave me in a funk I wouldn't wish on anyone.  And I'd feel sorry for those within earshot once I started my rants about how horrible they were, and how bad they were, and they don't even deserve to live in a homeless shelter, etc., etc. 

After I noticed that people who heard me do this would all, without fail, find ways to excuse themselves from the conversation, a relevation occurred:  When you're that angry for that long a period of time, people stop being sympathetic.  People stop caring.  People stop giving a darn, because it's unbearable to listen to you.  To use my sister's phrase, you've become a "desperado," who needs attention to continue being a victim, who just can't move on from whatever happened years before, and has stunted his own growth.

The secret I've learned was already in front of me, courtesy of my father's simple, almost Dao-ist wisdom.  When I'd go on one of these rants at the dinner table, he would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "eat your dinner."  At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up.  He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested.  Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly good enjoy the meal instead.

Yes, the past happened, and we're all stuck with it.  But projecting it on others around you, who are actively engaged in the present moment, as you should be, does precious little to help things.  If you still have such an axe to grind, get a journal and write it out.  Or better yet, join "The Experience Project," or similar anonymous websites, and pour your heart out in a safe and comfortable environment.  Schedule permitting, go for a run (like me), lift some weights at the gym, or hit the heavy bag for a while.  If it's stuck in your system, then repair your own plumbing and remove it!

And once you're in that calm, chill, runner's high/euphoria state of mind, find a way to let it go.  It's not affecting you consciously, it's not costing you money, and it's not your obligation to seek revenge against them.  "Vengeance is Mine," saith the L-D . . .  because He's A LOT BETTER AT IT THAN YOU, and it doesn't make Him a nervous wreck to make it happen!  If what the gangsters or boneheads did to you them was as harmful and as treacherous as you feel it is, then good news -- they will, REPEAT WILL, get their well-deserved punishment when He thinks it's time, not when you do!!! 

And what if you're angry at someone right now, whom you know very well? Not so easy to let things go, but easier to change the game you're playing.  Get away from them for a while, do what I said in terms of getting it out of your system, and then deal with it calmly, the way my father reminded me to "eat my dinner."  Without being confrontational, explain what it is that made you angry, and ask for something better.  Chances are the other party may take advantage of your peaceful approach and start taking swipes and swings at you.  Don't fall for it!  They want to piss you off again, that's how they win!  Stand firm, and explain that what they did or said was wrong to you, and that they will need to cease and desist.

(2) Anger Towards Yourself.

This is even worse.  I can think of no better way to have a miserable life than to blame yourself for everything that happens, to continuously tell yourself that you're stupid and you just don't get it, and that you'll never be any good.  I don't care if you're in jail or if you're behind on child support, NONE of that is TRUE!  People can wag their tongues and diss you as much as they like, and you can just disregard it.  But if YOU do it, you're pushing yourself off a bridge.  You are the ONE person in the world who can NEVER talk trash about you!

Did you screw up?  Make a mistake?  Forget something?  Lose something?  Handle it this way:

Detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and research it as if it's data in an encyclopedia.  Look over the facts and ask some questions:  What did you do that could have been done better?  What mistakes did you make?  What flaws did you expose?  Once you've answered them, then without giving yourself the V-8 forehead slap (because you just detached yourself from your feelings), reprogram yourself to NOT make those same mistakes AGAIN!  Of course, that's not a guarantee that it will never happen again, but at least it will reduce the likelihood of reoccurrences. 

If you can see what you've done wrong, and the aggrieved party is still open to discussion, apologize for it.  Don't prostrate yourself on the floor, don't take a razor blade to your wrists, and don't flagellate yourself with a cilice -- the aggrieved party will either start disliking you even more, or start taking pleasure in the pain you're causing yourself.  Just admit you're wrong, apologize, and move on.  If they other person is mature enough, they'll accept your apology.  And if they can't, then screw them.  They're not royalty.  You can't do more than apologize, so if that's not enough, let them stew in their own anger and rage.

Whether you stay angry at others for too long, or you stay angry at yourself for more than a day, you're creating a situation of permanent victimhood.  Permanent victimhood means permanent childhood, because you'll never allow yourself to grow up if you stay angry.  Find a way to grow up and keep moving to the next stop on the route.

The Four Pillars remind us that we Exist, we Matter, we Belong, and we Deserve, but they don't state that we're perfect or that we're blameless.  They also don't say that the world is always evil and that we're always good.  They say that we are unique as individuals and that we have a right to be in this world, and to receive the respect that comes with being here.  Want to get that respect?  Control the anger and dispose of it when it is no longer nececessary.  Take responsibility for your wrongs, and move on.

And since it's almost 7PM on Sunday night, take my Dad's advice -- and eat your dinner!  :)

PS --- in the past couple of days, I've sent a few text messages that didn't quite sound as cute as I thought they did.  Internet/texting etiquette tells us that when someone responds to your message with the word "Nice," it doesn't mean "That was a nice thing to say, thank you," it means "I'll take that as a diss, you jerk."  So to those people I offended, I apologize.  I obviously didn't think clearly enough before I sent those messages, and I won't do that again.

THERE!  Moving on . . . .