Backlash

Hey All!  Just came back from a little trip, now learning that just because the calendar says it's spring, the weather doesn't have to cooperate.

In the last few days, Tony Robbins, a giant in the self-help industry, has faced a torrent of criticism when he criticized the #MeToo movement.  He stated that those who are part of this movement are encouraging women to play the victim role, to refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, and to destroy other people to make themselves feel good about themselves.  Whether he thought this through completely before he made this statement is not clear.  What is clear is that the reaction to his statement is loud and angry.

Was he right or wrong?  Or are those reacting?  Let's review:

(1) Women are just as human as men - flesh and blood, heart and soul, thoughts and dreams.  Unfortunately, our species has celebrated male dominance and control for millennia, and only came to accept women as equals within the past century.

(2) Because of this, the notion that men can demand any type of physical contact, from playful slaps to full on intercourse, whenever they chose, so long as they were the strongest and most virile around, just like all other species in the animal kingdom, was hard-wired in our consciousness.  The notion that women are somehow empowered to reject this conduct is a comparatively recent one, and one that has not yet transformed how both genders interact.

(3) Gradually, women were accepted as equals, at least legally.  They now occupy every single profession that was once solely occupied by men.  Whether or not they truly earn less than men for the same work remains a subject of debate that will not be addressed further here.

(4) In terms of criminal law, prosecution of rape and sexual offenses has been transformed to the extent where the victim is believed, with or without proof beyond a reasonable doubt, and the accused, once found guilty, pays with the complete destruction of his life.  Earlier, nearly all accusers were viewed with skepticism and thought to have been untruthful, but now the pendulum has swung completely the other way.

(5) Upon exposure of men who had taken unwanted liberties with women, the MeToo movement was spawned.  Those with long and tarnished histories of making unwanted sexual advances were taken out in the public square and faced loss of their livelihoods, and possibly their freedom.

To The Extent That The #MeToo Movement Is Culturally Transforming How Men Are Expected to Treat Women, it is Valid, Right, and Good.

Now let's try a twist:

(1) That same dominance and control that men were celebrated for has also been asserted against men who were not as strong, smart, or aggressive as others.  For that reason, those "lesser men" have been referred to by the more aggressive men by a variety of misogynistic references, which will not be repeated here.

(2) They have also been faced with the same type of aggressive stance that women have faced, although the nature of that stance has been more violent than sexual in nature.

(3) While the anti-bullying movement, in the academic and workplace setting, is actually a more recent concept than that of feminism, it faces even more criticism and rejection than movements like #MeToo.  While women-supporting advocates remind us that women do not share responsibility for the abuse they suffer or the attacks visited on them by men who don't respect boundaries, men and boys who face bullying are not granted such courtesy.

(4) Speaking from personal experience, I have heard the same people who are die-hard #MeToo supporters, who demand consequences for instances of sexual abuse and credibility for women who suffer them, nevertheless dismiss and reject allegations of bullying with suggestions that the victims of that societal ill "ask for it" and "bring it on themselves," and need to "man up."

(5) Bullying is concededly less severe than sexual abuse or assault, but the victims of both acts of wrongdoing are left with the same exact feelings:

  (A) It's my fault that this was done to me;
  (B) Nobody will take me seriously;
  (C) If I speak out about it, I'll be considered weak and/or deserving of it; and
  (D) They'll just get away with it again anyway.

Accordingly, We Face An Inconsistency.

 The reason why Tony Robbins has a real problem right now is that the notion that women are at fault for being sexually assaulted, are playing the role of victim in order to gain sympathy, and want to tear people down with accusations to feel better about life is simply no longer acceptable in our society.  The thought that it's always their fault, while once universally thought, no longer works because society has accepted women as equal to men - a concept that is incongruous with our ancient hard-wiring - and does not seek to grant men free reign over women's bodies or minds.

HOWEVER, when boys are bullied in school, and men are bullied at work, society most certainly still does feel that way.  Male victims of bullying are constantly told that the reason they are bullied is their fault, that playing the victim keeps them from growing, and that they need to "get over it," thereby letting the bully enjoy a no-consequences existence.  Internet memes suggest that "teach kids to fight" is the only answer to bullying, despite the fact that this is the very reason why bullying continues.  Also, when the abuser is a female and the victim is a male, the male is considered not only deserving, but also ridiculously weak, because a woman would supposedly never do that to a so-called "real man," despite the reverse often being true.

Can This Be Reconciled?  YES to both.

(A)  The #MeToo movement needs its recognition for many reasons.  With enough time and attention, the desire to ever subject a woman to unwanted advances or disrespect will most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(B) Once the point of evaporation is reached, then the anger and backlash against men must stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at men who have acted respectfully, but still have opposing perspectives, is no longer necessary or acceptable.

(C)  Likewise with the anti-bullying movement needs just as much recognition.  As stated above, enough time and attention should also be given, rather than dismissing one group of victims as heroes and another as cowards.  Eventually, the desire to ever victimize anyone else, regardless of race/gender/etc., will also most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(D) Once the point of evaporation is reached, any resulting anger and backlash against former bullies must also stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at former bullies who have reformed is no longer necessary or acceptable.

For the sake of clarification, we do not minimize the mistreatment of women, or suggest it is a less worthy cause than the response and elimination of bullying.  Rather, we seek to draw a parallel and an equivalent solution.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

OK, We Got Him. Now What?

Hey All.

Well, our friends in Boston have breathed a huge sigh of relief, and toasted the efforts of their local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies in apprehending the surviving accused terrorist who attacked the marathon.  No further attacks anytime soon, we hope.

So now what happens?  The legal issues.  Will he be tried for murder under state law in Massachusetts, which does not have the death penalty?  Or will the US Attorney General charge him with capital murder, which by definition, carries the death penalty?  Will this exception to the Miranda warnings stand up in Court if challenged by the public defender?  Or will his all-too-important statements be excluded from evidence?  Or will the proper authorities realize the risk of this overconfident maneuver, wait until Tsarnaev regains consciousness, and read him his rights just as a CYA move?  Or better yet, will they deem him an enemy combatant and ship him off to Gitmo?

This is why we have police, this is why we have courts, and this is why we have at least two overlapping justice systems.  Let's leave the second guessing to the pundits and prognosticators, and trust that they'll figure it out so we don't need to deal.

But what about the rest of us?  I think we've already seen what to do next.

(1) Remember the victims and their families.  Whether it's buying a shirt to show support, running in a race to acknowledge them, or just plain posting inspirational messages on your feed, just show them that they matter more than any extremist, miscreant, or gangster.

(2) Remember that life matters, just like we all did after 9/11.  It's not a guarantee, it's a gift.  Although we all have laws and standards to live by, we also have free will.  Unfortunately, free will is sometimes used to accept hatred and anger, and to commit unspeakable acts because of them.  But it's no excuse to avoid living life just because there's a risk that someone will take it from us.  Rather, it's even more of a reason to live, and live even better.  Nobody, not the FBI, CIA, TSA, DHS, or ICE can ever stop this from happening.  But we can still live anyway, and live with greater purpose.

In fact, what better reason is there to live, than with the knowledge that our death could happen 20 years from now, or tomorrow?  I apologize in advance for the thoughts this hypo may generate, but what if you or I were lost in that bombing?  Granted, the media would grant you a brief, but sincere-sounding epitaph.  And they may take a few tearful statements from your loved ones.  But wouldn't it be better if you knew, just for yourself, that you were living life the best way you knew how, When The Hour Comes?  Wouldn't it be satisfying, at least for your loved ones if not just for you, that you died doing what you loved?  Instead of postponing it because the other daily crapola got in the way?

(3) Let Love Trump Anger.  This one I'm borrowing from a good friend of mine.  This friend has recently become a fan of this blog, and has reviewed some of my posts dealing with anger.  This friend acknowledged that anger sometimes stays with us longer than necessary, and believed that some anger stays with us permanently, no matter what we do about it.  However, this friend believed that the best possible way to keep anger at bay is to let it be trumped by love.

That doesn't mean we should all bake cookies and send them to this miscreant while the feds grill him.  It does mean that we do the same thing we did after 9/11, and use this as a chance to heal.  Act a little friendlier to total strangers, maybe -- if you're in NYC, give up your seat on the subway to someone else, and pay it forward.  Or if elsewhere, drop a quarter in someone else's parking meter.  Maybe even strike up a conversation with a total stranger at the DMV.  And even now, when at least one playoff series pits New York against Boston, taper off the anti-chowder rhetoric and show a little respect and understanding.

Smile at people.  Pay a few compliments.  Be less rigid.  Know what to sweat and what to let go -- I mean really know this.

There's no reason to forgive this Chechen extremist, whether he was brainwashed or not.  But there is a reason to live like it matters, and to enjoy life by letting our righteous anger be pre-empted by good old-fashioned happiness with life.

That's all from here -- and thanks to that friend of mine who gave me a little reminder.  :)