Hate in Christchurch, New Zealand

Good Evening All - Hope you all had a Happy St. Patty's Day Weekend!

The world has witnessed another tragic and violent episode, this time all the way down in New Zealand.  An alleged terrorist and murderer, seemingly taking his cue from the Tree of Life Synagogue massacre in Squirrel Hill, Pennsylvania, took it upon himself to murder everyone present for Friday worship services at two mosques.  After leaving a trail of carnage, prompted in no small part by hatred for Muslims, he was apprehended.

We have heard several predictable responses to this tragedy.  I'll respond to all of them.

(1)  It's the guns!  No guns!  Nobody needs a gun!  It's the mosque worshippers fault, they should have had guns!  Not the answer, either way.  If that gun were in the hands of responsible folks, and not this murderer, he might have found another means of violence to use.  And since this happened in another country, there is no Second Amendment issue.  Let New Zealand address its own gun laws within its own authority.

(2)  So what?  They had it coming!  Look what they do!  Look how evil they are!  They deserved it!  Wrong again.  These were human beings.  They assembled to worship their god on their weekly holy day as they saw fit.  That's not a reason to kill them.  And unless they're about to do you, or that killer, imminent harm, or if you have real grounds for a pre-emptive strike, there is no excuse for that kind of violence.

(3)  But what about these ones?  But what about those ones?  Why don't they get the same media coverage?  What about them?  Nobody says the mainstream media is perfect, but the most unusual events are the ones that trigger the most coverage.  Let's not have competitions over who is a more deserving victim - that's where we really get into trouble.

THE STOIC ANSWER:

(A)  We have people in this world who become consumed by hate.  And we have weapons.  And they unfortunately have ways of being brought together.   The governments of countries where this happens can pass laws against the illegal use of these weapons, but they cannot outlaw people's thoughts and opinions, or their abilities to circumvent those laws, as horrible as they may be. 

(B)  We cannot stop fully-grown adults from hating other races or other religions, and the laws themselves cannot prevent them from taking up arms against the objects of their hate. 

(C)  Also, demonizing these people, as evil as they may be, does not make them turn into Ebenezer Scrooge and completely change their ways.  It also doesn't make us look like heroes and champions - it makes us just as filled with the hatred that they have.

(D)  We can, however, decide that we won't hate members of other races or religions.  That doesn't mean wearing pins and T-shirts and joining candle-light vigils, and then forgetting about it all when things calm down.  It also doesn't mean we'll expose, defame, and sling mud at people who have different opinions than we do in the name of "stamping out hate."  It only means we won't hate, period.

(E)  We can instead read, research, and learn about the ways of others.  By way of illustration, when I was in seventh grade, I read books about the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, notwithstanding the fact that I was American and Jewish, because I wanted to understand them instead of merely demonizing them.  Let's try the same thing for all perceived adversaries.

(F)  As stated in (B), we can't re-program fully-grown adults who've been taught the wrong thing and have acted on them.  We can, however, raise and teach our children to Respect All, and not to Hate Them (whomever Them might be).

And of course, last but not least, instead of seeking revenge or retribution, we can seek this invocation:

There's A Lady Named Karma.  She's Not Attracted To Bad Boys And She's Not Friends With Mean Girls.  Leave Vengeance To Her - She's Got Better Tools At Her Disposal.

With the assistance of the New Zealander justice system, the murderer will be prosecuted for his crimes, and will live with the deaths of his victims for the rest of his life.  Do not target politicians and ideologues as the proxy for the punishment you think you're entitled to dish out to that murderer - you're not entitled to dish out anything (including eggs).  Instead, look within to ensure that you yourself never take up arms out of hate, and that you teach any children you have to not do likewise. 

Ooof - that was a heavy one - see what happens when you don't down that Guinness for St. Patty's?  I'll salute the Irish, but I'll stand with New Zealand - they didn't deserve this.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Please DM me with any lengthy or debate-ready comments.

Hate None - Return of The Alpholes

Hey All - Hope you're having a relaxing Sunday Night!

As long as I've been writing, I've pointed out that there are people who aren't good to us, don't care about us, and somehow manage to get away with everything they've ever done wrong.  I've demanded that they be eliminated from our interactions, I've exposed their wrongdoings, and I've branded them with a label that they never liked very much.

For the uninformed, I called them alpholes.

Having always had a low opinion for those who were aggressive when they shouldn't have been, dominating and controlling when a leader or boss was not needed, and just way too full of themselves, I needed a name for them.  I combined the term "alpha males" with "assholes," and it was a perfect fit.  Having been on the mend from a terminated relationship, and feeling somewhat resentful, it was just the right message at just the right time.

However, the need to keep using that term, over time, has proven unnecessary and unprofitable.

The circumstances that I was in when I started using that term changed, immeasurably for the better.  That terminated relationship has faded into the background, and was replaced with one that is a thousand times better.  I also discovered, little by little, that those who were not being good to me or for me were not owed a lifetime of continued and begrudging association, so I stopped.  Last but not least, I understood that I didn't have to think about how angry I was at something from the past, I didn't have to be stuck with a constant reminder of it, and I didn't have to trap myself in a cycle of hate, grudges and finger-pointing. 

I didn't have to keep thinking about how unfair their judgments seemed to be, because I could just make my own.

When I kept pointing out other people's faults, it honestly didn't make me happy.  It made me feel miserable.  There was simply no glory to be found in bashing and crashing, no matter how badly those alpholes deserved it.

Also, I tapped into a little bit of Dr. Isaiah Hankel's words:  To paraphrase, he discusses how fruitless and unprofitable it is to demand that someone else confess or admit their wrongdoing - it won't happen, because nobody thinks they're the bad guy in their own stories.  The most you'll get out of that affair is a one-minute half-assed apology, an hour's lecture about how you deserved it because of what you did, you're not perfect either, and how they're better/smarter/whatever than you anyway, and a lifetime of resentment. 

I very rarely call them alpholes anymore, but that's only because it's my own choice to not stir up my own negative feelings.  They still exist, trust me.  I've simply learned, the hard way, that they're going to be alpholes no matter what we do or say, because they honestly believe there's nothing in the world wrong with what they're doing.  Demanding that they grow halos and wings in response to our objections to their personalities doesn't work.  We can either accept them for what they are, which is tolerance and respect, or we can reject them for what they are, which is boundaries and self-respect.  

(1) Cursing them for not behaving or thinking the way we want them to is not the answer.  Removing and Replacing them, if they're unacceptable, is.

(2) Telling everyone else you know how terrible they are is not the answer.  Eliminating them as a topic of conversation, is.

(3) Stripping away all of their humanity because of what you find intolerable, is not the answer.  Deciding what you will tolerate and what you won't, is.

This is our reality.  The problem is not the fact that they are alpholes and do alpholish things.  The problem is us getting so busy throwing shade at them that we forget that we can simply remove them with no malice aforethought.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

The Deadly Trap of Demonization

Hey All - believe it or not, it's really spring!

Through my travels through social networking, I've joined a few groups that provide support to people recovering from abusive relationships.  Out of respect for those members, I won't reveal their names, but they are there, and hopefully some of their members will decide to like the Facebook page.

As I read the entries on this new page, I empathize wholeheartedly with what these folks have seen.  My heart goes out to how they have suffered, or continue to suffer.  However, it seems that telling the tales of woe is only one part of what's needed.  The other part is to heal and move forward.

At the beginning of this year, when I found Emotional Maturity and incorporated it into this blog, I started to realize that just bashing, crashing, and demonizing is not enough.  No, we can't pretend this didn't happen.  No, we can't pretend that what they've done is all our fault.  And no, we can't say that it was all our imagination when they've hurt us.

However, we can't just make their fault and misdeeds a crutch for everything.  At some point, we've got to stop the anger, end the grudges, and dispose of our ill will.

Many of those who do us wrong will not be apologetic or own up to their actions.  As Isaiah Hankel says, we cannot expect a confession from such people - all we'll get is an excuse, a denial, a reminder that we're not perfect either, or maybe a half-assed apology.  Accordingly, expecting to squeeze blood from a stone, or resorting to any other type of violence, is a waste.

Once we accept that they will not grow halos and wings, we have to stop cursing them for their horns and pitchforks.  We don't have to call it forgiveness - they may have caused harm that forgiveness won't resolve.  But we can call it dismissal or release.

We can censor them from our thoughts and conversations.  We can leave their scenes on the cutting room floor.  We can remove their likenesses from our internal Hall of Fame, and extend provide them with one of those tiny memorial plaques people screw onto park benches that nobody else notices.

For any of those group members who can read this, I feel you.  I've been done to, done wrong, rejected, dejected, and neglected almost as much as you have, though I won't minimize your pain or make it a competition.  I've also committed the erroneous error of holding onto those past wrongs for longer than necessary.  No matter how wrong they were, or how evil they may still be, believe me when I say that holding grudges against them doesn't cure it.  Instead, it eats away at you!

Even worse than that?  It lets them off the hook.  Yes, I know, that's shocking, but you're making something happen that's the exact opposite of what you want - you are letting them off the hook when you hold grudges against them.  There comes a time when our feelings about them stop being their fault and start becoming ours.  We are assuming liability for their fault!  We are bailing them out!  We are becoming just as bad as they are, because we emulate what we hate!!!!!!

You sure you want to give them that gift?  Or would you rather reduce them to the unpleasantness of a bad dream?

That's what I thought.

For those who prefer spiritual comfort for this effort, rest assured:  There's a Lady Named Karma.  She's not impressed with bad boys, and She's not friendly with mean girls.  She has the authority to pass judgment that we lack, and She has much better tools at Her disposal than we do.

Stop holding on to anger at our tormentors, and seeking revenge against our rivals.  Instead, direct that energy towards continuous life improvement, as expected by Our Father G-D.  Let Our Mother G-S Karma handle what the rest of them deserve.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I HANDLE WHAT I CAN CONTROL, WITH THE HELP OF FATHER G-D.

I DISMISS WHAT I CANNOT CONTROL, AND REFER IT UP TO MOTHER G-S.

Questions, comments, concerns?  Feel free to private message me.

From Above

Hey all - looks like July is almost in the can.  Summers fly, winters walk!

We are often faced with things beyond our control:  other people's unacceptable behavior, out-of-control children, and the weather.  Now I'm not saying you have to be religious to do this, but faith in a higher power is a sure fire way to be less irritable and critical over these dark smudges on an otherwise decent existence.

There is a G-D.  There is something, or someone, up there that knows you inside and out.  He knows when you're hurt and you're angry.  He knows when you've been done wrong.  And He knows who's responsible.

Our high-conflict neighbors think that a smack in the mouth is the only solution for these problems.  They're wrong.  Our L-D and Master, while still quick to forgive, has much stronger weapons in His arsenal.  We can't make someone lose their job, get dumped by their significant other, or contract a fatal disease - and let's be honest, we wouldn't really want to make any of that happen.  But G-D can, and sometimes will, do all that and then some.

Don't get it twisted - I'm not saying anyone should pray for someone else's demise.  G-D's not anyone's hitman.

What I am saying is that G-D sees everything they get away with.  He doesn't put you to a burden of proof because He's already seen all the evidence.  And more often than not, they don't "get away" with any of their misdeeds or malfeasance because their case files remain open for the pendency of their natural born lives.

And whether He executes His judgment sooner or later is not our concern.  Point being, neither is our desire for vengeance.

One way to live an empty, unfulfilled, unsatisfying, unpleasant, and unpeaceful life is to hold grudges.  To remain furious and hateful long after the offense has been committed.  To forever resent someone for "getting away with it" instead of simply fixing whatever damage was caused. 

I'm not letting them off the hook, don't worry - we all know that alpholes exist.  But the responsibility for seeking a pound of flesh from each person who hurts us is not the responsibility we're meant to carry.  We are not avenging angels out for justice like some movie hero.  We are not knights commissioned to slay a dragon like some RPG character.  And (yup, you knew I was going there) we don't live in a comic book.

We have goals to reach, levels to advance, and a duty to be true to ourselves.  Burning with revenge and obsessing over others' misdeeds gets in the way of the important work we need to do.  That's why it's kicked upstairs to He who always dispenses justice so we won't have to do so.  Leave that business to Him.

Let's be real - for some of us, like our high-conflict neighbors, a peaceful life is way too boring.  Good.  As they sometimes tell parents of over-scheduled children, we all need to be a little bored now and then.  That's how we get creative enough to build lives of substance and not of routine.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

DISCLAIMER:  The above does not endorse or reject any particular religion or set of beliefs.  It just states that there is a G-D.  Those of you who are atheist or agnostic are entitled to disagree, with and only with respect.