Hate in Christchurch, New Zealand

Good Evening All - Hope you all had a Happy St. Patty's Day Weekend!

The world has witnessed another tragic and violent episode, this time all the way down in New Zealand.  An alleged terrorist and murderer, seemingly taking his cue from the Tree of Life Synagogue massacre in Squirrel Hill, Pennsylvania, took it upon himself to murder everyone present for Friday worship services at two mosques.  After leaving a trail of carnage, prompted in no small part by hatred for Muslims, he was apprehended.

We have heard several predictable responses to this tragedy.  I'll respond to all of them.

(1)  It's the guns!  No guns!  Nobody needs a gun!  It's the mosque worshippers fault, they should have had guns!  Not the answer, either way.  If that gun were in the hands of responsible folks, and not this murderer, he might have found another means of violence to use.  And since this happened in another country, there is no Second Amendment issue.  Let New Zealand address its own gun laws within its own authority.

(2)  So what?  They had it coming!  Look what they do!  Look how evil they are!  They deserved it!  Wrong again.  These were human beings.  They assembled to worship their god on their weekly holy day as they saw fit.  That's not a reason to kill them.  And unless they're about to do you, or that killer, imminent harm, or if you have real grounds for a pre-emptive strike, there is no excuse for that kind of violence.

(3)  But what about these ones?  But what about those ones?  Why don't they get the same media coverage?  What about them?  Nobody says the mainstream media is perfect, but the most unusual events are the ones that trigger the most coverage.  Let's not have competitions over who is a more deserving victim - that's where we really get into trouble.

THE STOIC ANSWER:

(A)  We have people in this world who become consumed by hate.  And we have weapons.  And they unfortunately have ways of being brought together.   The governments of countries where this happens can pass laws against the illegal use of these weapons, but they cannot outlaw people's thoughts and opinions, or their abilities to circumvent those laws, as horrible as they may be. 

(B)  We cannot stop fully-grown adults from hating other races or other religions, and the laws themselves cannot prevent them from taking up arms against the objects of their hate. 

(C)  Also, demonizing these people, as evil as they may be, does not make them turn into Ebenezer Scrooge and completely change their ways.  It also doesn't make us look like heroes and champions - it makes us just as filled with the hatred that they have.

(D)  We can, however, decide that we won't hate members of other races or religions.  That doesn't mean wearing pins and T-shirts and joining candle-light vigils, and then forgetting about it all when things calm down.  It also doesn't mean we'll expose, defame, and sling mud at people who have different opinions than we do in the name of "stamping out hate."  It only means we won't hate, period.

(E)  We can instead read, research, and learn about the ways of others.  By way of illustration, when I was in seventh grade, I read books about the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, notwithstanding the fact that I was American and Jewish, because I wanted to understand them instead of merely demonizing them.  Let's try the same thing for all perceived adversaries.

(F)  As stated in (B), we can't re-program fully-grown adults who've been taught the wrong thing and have acted on them.  We can, however, raise and teach our children to Respect All, and not to Hate Them (whomever Them might be).

And of course, last but not least, instead of seeking revenge or retribution, we can seek this invocation:

There's A Lady Named Karma.  She's Not Attracted To Bad Boys And She's Not Friends With Mean Girls.  Leave Vengeance To Her - She's Got Better Tools At Her Disposal.

With the assistance of the New Zealander justice system, the murderer will be prosecuted for his crimes, and will live with the deaths of his victims for the rest of his life.  Do not target politicians and ideologues as the proxy for the punishment you think you're entitled to dish out to that murderer - you're not entitled to dish out anything (including eggs).  Instead, look within to ensure that you yourself never take up arms out of hate, and that you teach any children you have to not do likewise. 

Ooof - that was a heavy one - see what happens when you don't down that Guinness for St. Patty's?  I'll salute the Irish, but I'll stand with New Zealand - they didn't deserve this.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Please DM me with any lengthy or debate-ready comments.

No Fair?

Hey All - Enjoying your Sunday?

One major obstacles we encounter in our quest to reach Emotional Maturity is our sense of fairness and equity, and how the rest of the world sometimes doesn't operate with it.  In school and work, we've witnessed favoritism, nepotism, and miscarriages of justice.

It can sting and burn us when our hard work is disregarded and dismissed, and someone who worked less hard gets more respect.  It can sting and burn worse when we are compelled to operate within rules and restrictions that don't seem to apply to others.

It can sting and burn even worse when what we want to say - what we are passionate about and feel to the core of our being - gets interrupted, ridiculed, and rendered meaningless by people who are not concerned about our feelings.

Some people will tell you to "get over it."  That's code for, "I don't care - shut up."  So I won't say that.

Others will deflect to focus the issue on your faults, and tell you that you deserved it so they can get away with it.  I won't say that either.

SECRETS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW:  There are subjects they care about just as deeply as you care about yours.  However, their ego tells them that their issues matter and yours don't, because they're better than you.  Try to re-evaluate your need to associate with anyone who does this.

Here's what I will say instead:

(1) Evaluate What's More Important - Your Message, Or Your Audience.

It's ok to acknowledge that it hurts when that rejection comes at you.  But you've also got to consider the right time, place, and audience to receive your message.  For example, if you're a Yankee fan, there's no reason for you to talk big and bad about how great your team is in a room full of Mets fans.  Your passion for the Yankees may be heartfelt and sincere, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to bring it up in front of them, knowing full well that they are only too ready to say that your team is less than wonderful.

Aim it where it counts.  And pick a better audience to receive it too - just because they don't like it doesn't mean they're right.

(2) Don't Make It Life Or Death.

Find yourself stuck with people who like to interrupt?  Hopefully it's because you didn't miss an opportunity to un-stuck yourself.  But if you can't get out of it, please accept the fact that no part of this conversation will be about you unless they feel a reason to criticize you, or "only be honest."  Your strengths and accomplishments simply have no value here, like currency from other countries.

Don't fall into the trap of starting a whole big topic that you feel is super-amazing-wonderful in the presence of people who you already know do not.  That's just as bad as Charlie Brown running to kick the football Lucy is holding for him, knowing full well that she's always going to pull it away.

Understand:  It's not that it's "not all about you."  It's never going to be about you, and it's always going to be about them.  Let them have it, they obviously need it more than we do.  And if you're able to do so, reduce or eliminate your interactions with them.

If you must speak to them at all, use sentences of five words or less.  By the time they try to interrupt you, you'll have already finished speaking.

(3) Don't Be A Sidekick.

People don't like these labels:  Narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator, psychopath, egomaniac.  We are not psychiatrists, and cannot make these diagnoses.  We can, however, decide for ourselves whether people who behave like this should or should not be in our lives.

If you find yourself always in the presence of someone who seems to interrupt everything you say, correct every single thing you say that isn't perfect, and finish your sentence for you when it is, you have a real problem.  Much of the problem is whoever is acting this way - it's not acceptable.  But it's also you - you welcome this behavior and allow it to continue.  When you allow yourself to live under someone else's thumb and someone else's rules at all time - with the obvious exception of the military - you are losing.  Leave them - please.

(4) Accept That Others Make Rules That Are Beyond Our Control.

This includes the relationships other people have with each other that might impact on us inequitably.  Bosses who fawn all over people with less qualifications and work ethic than we have, but treat us unfavorably.  So-called friends who go out of their way to also be friends with people we're not happy with, or automatically turn on you in front of crowds to make themselves look good.  And, for the singles out there, those who are not attracted to you, no matter how good to them you might have been.

Getting furious at these kangaroo-court rulings, hating those arbitrary and capricious decision makers, and holding permanent grudges against anyone who says no to you are sure-fire ways to keep yourself in arrested development.  Acknowledging so much unfairness of things, however, with the wisdom to know when to speak out, and when not to, is a way to rise above it.

That boss would rather listen to their favorite than to you?  Maybe that's their mistake, and they'll learn it the hard way.  They're friends with that one?  Let them be even better friends with that one by taking away their second choice.  And someone else just isn't into you?  Stop being into them - they clearly don't deserve that much adulation.

TAKEAWAY:  The rest of the world will not always do the right thing by us.  They will treat us unfairly, address us disrespectfully, and sometimes try to shoot down and disparage everything that we think is important, because they have a mouth and nobody taught them when to close it.  We cannot always "get back" at them, get them in trouble, or hurt them just because they do things we don't like.  We most certainly can, however, address them without becoming angry or triggered. 

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.