The Magic of Positive Reinforcement

Hey All -- Sunday night, and it's about that time, so here it is . . . .

It is often said that a pat on the back is sometimes more helpful than a kick in the pants.  It is also often said that attitude determines everything.  This week, I saw both of these axioms tried and proven.

I have a 91 year old grandmother, known for much of her life to be a "tough old bird."  She never let anyone or anything keep her down, but it appears that the aging process has caught up to her.  She has taken an extended stay in a rehab center and a local hospital due to various complications.

My Mom, being the loyal daughter she is, couldn't stand to know that my grandmother was suffering while she was many states away.  So, on a whim, she and my Dad decided to fly up here to New York and see her, to make sure her condition didn't get any worse.

Within 24 hours of their arrival, her condition improved.  Within 48 hours, she was discharged from the hospital.

Days after that, I came to visit her too, and I saw something really special happen.  Both my parents tried to explain to my grandmother that she would need to continue the exercise and physical therapy that she had been prescribed in order to continue to be able to walk.  My father had the more persuasive approach -- unlike his children, my father has always hated exercising.  He still does, but since he survived a triple bypass, he knows he has to do it every single day.  He explained to my grandmother that he hates exercise just as much as she does, but that sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not do because the alternative is unacceptable.  My grandmother, much like her first grandson, never liked being told she had to do something distasteful, but she listened to my father nonetheless.

The reason that much of this blog is devoted to denouncing bullying in all of its forms is because bullying is the ultimate example of negative reinforcement.  It is the continued and involuntary exposure to communications and actions designed to convince the recipient that he or she is abject and worthless.  Through the constant repetition that accompanies it, it usually results in convincing the recipient that this message is correct, and if left unchecked, it results in the recipient's demise.

Fortunately, positive reinforcement is just as powerful.  When delivered with the same repetition as negative reinforcement, it convinces the recipient that the Four Pillars apply, and then some.  When mixed with a certain degree of action in lieu of the repetition, it can work near-miracles.  Case and point, when my parents came to visit my grandmother, she almost became her old self.  My grandmother understood that there were people who cared about her very deeply, and wanted her to be healthy, and were willing to do something extra to make that happen.  Sometimes knowledge of self-affirming truths like these can move mountains.

This is further exemplified in my chosen sport of running.  When we see people who run at a less expeditious pace than we do, we do not ridicule them.  We do not question their intelligence or their gender identity.  We do not mock them, impugn them, or condescend.  Instead, we cheer them in, as if they were going for a world record.  We remind them that they are achieving an incredible accomplishment merely by putting on their shoes, pinning a bib on their shirt, and participating in the race to begin with.  We reinforce their efforts to put forth their best efforts.  And these people tend to cross the finish line happy, regardless of their time or pace, because hearing these messages reminds them that they were not mistaken to run that race.  Sometimes, those messages encourage them to run another race, and then another, and then another, and then another . . . .

There is a place in this world for criticism and judgment.  Please keep both of them in that place, and have the wisdom to know when they're not necessary.

There is also a place for encouragement, reinforcement, and positive affirmations.  Quite frankly, there is a greater need for them than there is for even the most analytical criticism or the clearest judgment.

Oh pleeeease, why should anyone care what anyone else says, they should already believe in themselves first, let them develop their own self esteem on their own time, they should have thicker skins . . . . .

Grrr.  Shut.  Up.  And.  Leave.  Please.

Next time you see someone suffering, show some positive reinforcement.  If it's a homeless person in the subway, maybe some spare change would let that person know that somebody still cares.  Or better yet, give him that sandwich that you might not have really wanted to eat for lunch -- that would be even better reinforcement.  If you see somebody forlorn or sad, shoot them a quick smile -- that costs nothing.  It'll lift somebody up an inch or two, and it might improve your disposition too.

As stated earlier on Facebook, this blog is taking an upward turn -- more positive reinforcement, as documented above, and more encouragement towards goals and success.  Just in time for the Ten Days of Awe, which will be explained to the uninformed in the next week or so.

Good night, everybody!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Sharing Our Thoughts - An Extra Post

The answers to many of our problems are not immediately made clear.  Sometimes they involve painstaking research of authoritative sources.  Other times, they involve deep soul-searching, which is far more difficult.  And yes, sometimes, they're out here in the blogosphere, and they involve answers both from within and without.

Tonight, I was about to post something, as a follow-up to the post about the Connecticut shooting, that would have been full of righteous anger, pain-driven fury, and unresolved grudges.  However, a faithful reader of mine, who will go nameless, reminded me of one of my earlier posts, namely "Who's In Control" from January 29, 2012, where I talked about how to maintain control over the thought process and not be consumed by stress, fear, anger, hate, etc.  She can be credited not only with (a) reminding me that once my words are out there, people do read them; and (b) completely altering what I was about to post.  So you see, the answer was already within me (I wrote it and apparently needed to re-read it), and was also external (she reminded me about it)!

(see also, "Don't Hulk Out," from November 20, 2011)

What can I say . . .  even though I present myself as an amateur guru/philosopher/anti-bullying crusader/self-help authority, I'm still flesh and blood.  I still get angry sometimes, and if something gets under my skin deep enough, I need to proceed carefully with a metaphorical tweezers to remove it.  It appears that my friend just provided them, helped me remove this splinter of negativity, and even cleanse the wound to prevent infection . . . and she did it by saying "Look, David, I found your tweezers!"

Hey, even Richard Carlson has been reminded to not "sweat the small stuff" by his children many a time!

This friend of mind has also been blogging quite a bit about her own life experiences, and they appear to be a fascinating read.  She's chosen to do it anonymously, which I respect, but she's also granted permission to me to post a link to it.  Check the blogroll down below, and you'll see it.

So that's my second of two posts for this Sunday night.  Have a good week, all!

Don't Hulk Out!

Of course, I'm not referring to the former WWF champion who told kids to "say their prayers and eat their vitamins," and threatened to have Hulkamania run wild on his opponents.  I mean that brainchild of Stan Lee who turned into a green-skinned giant whenever he got angry!

Lately I've been talking about things that should make us angry, specifically bullies and the enablers who keep them around.  The anger they inspire should manifest itself in action:  to set boundaries, to grow backbones, to reject and condemn those who (still) expect to get away with it, and to eliminate it from our lives.  But what if you're feeling anger for the same of anger, ranting for the sake of ranting, and hate for the sake of hate -- with no constructive purpose to use it for????

You're in trouble, that's what!

If you sit in a dark room by yourself, thinking only about things that make you angry, and don't do anything about it, you've introduced a parasite into your psyche.  You have injected a tapeworm into your brain and allowed it to eat away at everything that would otherwise be healthy and positive.  You have transformed your anger into resentment, which can kill you just like smoking or overeating can:  it's a disgusting habit that slowly erodes everything good -- the difference being that smoking and overeating destroy the body, while resentment destroys your mind, your soul, and your personality.

Psychologists describe resentment as the result of suppressed or repressed anger.  The only way to prevent resentment is to use it properly.  It is a weapon meant to be used from a position of strength to make needed changes.  It is not a crutch, it is not an excuse, and it is not permission for you to do or say things that hurt those who don't deserve it.  If you think it is, you're putting your own psyche through a meat-grinder!

So what if you're someplace where you can't get rid of it at the moment?  Keep thinking about it at that moment, you'll get distracted and sloppy, you'll lose your focus and your energy, and the source of your anger will (yet again) get off scot-free!

Being a long-distance runner, let me use the marathon as an example.  The marathon is the ultimate endurance exercise for your body and your mind.  You train your body by constant activity, putting it through the distance and time it will take to finish the rate.  You also train your mind for the same thing.  That means you visualize turning on your speed at Mile 18.  That means you think about friends or family who will call at your name and hold up big signs on the course!  And that means you DO NOT think about whether your time is too slow, whether you shut the oven off, whether you missed a deadline at work, or whether someone made you angry and you wish you could tell them off right then and there.  And if ANY of those thoughts are creeping into your head, scuffing your shoes, or slowing your stride, TURN THEM OFF, OR YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF LIMPING TO THE FINISH LINE TOMORROW WHILE EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE HOME!

In other words, tell yourself to "stop," and then for the next minute or two, don't think about anything.  Maybe slow your pace to a jog while doing this, but whatever you need to do, get it out of your head.  You're running a marathon, and that's not a time to be carrying excess baggage.  Get your head in the race, and not up somewhere else!  ;)

If those malcontents and jabroni's knew that you were giving them a piggy-back ride to the finish line, they'd probably laugh out loud because they won (again)!  And if you're doing something else you like other than that, imagine how bad it would be giving them a free lunch, or a free hotel stay in your head.  Thinking about anyone or anything that makes you mad while you're trying to do something that you enjoy is ridiculous.  Once you're able to do something about it, you pull the trigger, but they don't get to have your thoughts when it's your time, and not them!

Don't misread me, I'm not saying that anger is better when it's repressed, far from it!  What I'm saying is that your anger must be controlled, harnessed, and dominated, because IT WORKS FOR YOU, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!  When it's the wrong time, turn it off.  When it's the right time, and you're using it the right way, then and only then, TURN IT ON AND GO DEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU decide when the anger comes out, and YOU decide when to keep it together.  Times when the source of your anger is not present and not causing you trouble, directly or indirectly, is when you keep it together.  Times that they are crossing a line, and they are talking trash, and they are expecting to perform yet another action without a consequence, DON'T HOLD BACK, MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When you're mature, you pick your battles and the times you fight them, and not the other way around.  It's your mind, it's your life, it's your manhood.  Show them all who's boss and make them do their jobs right!  You can't control all the gangsters in this world, but you can, and must, control you.

I'd like to thank two of my toughest critics for this one.  Please feel free to comment!