Another Reposting for Father's Day!

Hey All --

In the spirit of Father's Day, here's a re-post from the recent past . . . edited to be up to date.

Two and and a half years ago I heard some distressing news from my Mom. I had already known that Dad had to be taken to the hospital for some sort of stress test, but this took an unexpected turn.
During the test, an angiogram was taken, and it revealed that the main artery to Dad's heart was 99% blocked. According to those facts alone, he should not even have been able to walk around, miracle of miracles. So they administered emergency triple bypass surgery to remove the blockage. This took the better part of the day, and I kept calling Mom almost hourly to check in Dad's progress. Between that and the text messages I sent to everyone else I knew about Dad, the battery did not last by the time I finally got home.
It really made me step back and think about my father, too. In my family, my Mom had the more outgoing personality, so he tended to disappear in the shadows.  When he did, however, he truly was  the Power Behind The Throne. :)

I also remembered one episode from childhood that forever defined the type of man he was. I was about 8, maybe 9, and he wanted to show me some work he was doing on the car. He wanted me to be mechanically inclined, so I'd know what I was doing once I had a car of my own. I tried to look interested, but it didn't work.

As unforgivable as I'd later realize this to be, growing up in a blue-collar town, I was anything but mechanically inclined.  I would have given anything at that time to go back inside the house, watch cartoons, and do anything that would allow me to put my mind in neutral, after the previous 5 school days of having various adult authority figures demand, in tones of righteous indignation, that I "Pay Attention!!!!!"

I would learn acting skills in later life, but that day, my performance was a failure. Finally, my Dad gave up out of frustration and told me to go back inside. I said "No, Dad, really, I'm interested," hoping to avoid another lecture, but he wasn't buying it.

So I did watch my cartoons, but I did so with a heavy sense of guilt.  Once again, I had disappointed someone without doing anything at all.  But later, he came into my room, and we had a talk.

He said, "David, I can't play the saxophone, but you can.  I also can't draw cartoons, do funny voices, or sing those Michael Jackson songs on the radio, but you can.  I'd like you to one day learn how cars work, because it can save you a lot of money and give you a good hobby.  But if this is not something you want to learn about now, that's OK.  You really don't have to do everything that I do, because you're your own person."

The reason why this moment remains so important to me is because it was the first time in my young life that an adult authority figure did not yell at me when I was being myself. In fact, this was the first time in my life any authority figure told me that I was OK, and that I should feel OK about it! In that moment, my father, with his quiet, gentle, and thoughtful ways, became Bill Cosby, Ward Cleaver, and Mike Brady all rolled up in one!

From that day to this one, my father has remained a man of patience and dignity. The thought of him undergoing the bypass made a lot of things clearer to me -- that he deserves a lot more accolades and praise than he's received.  For all things he's done, for his family and his country, he deserves a ton of recognition.

In later life, my father would enlighten me with his simple, almost Daoist wisdom.  As a teenager, sitting at the dinner table, I would sometimes go on my oft-repeated rants over who made me angry and how wrong they were.  In response, Dad would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "David.  Eat your dinner."  

At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up.   He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested.   Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly could enjoy the meal instead.  Now I look back and laugh how he was always the one who could hold it together, no matter what -- without ever studying Zen Buddhism, he was just almost as advanced as the Dalai Lama.

Yes, the past happened, and we were all stuck with it. But through my father's gentle repositioning, I learned projecting it on others around me, all of whom were actively engaged in the present moment, did precious little to help things.  In his own way, he knew I was upset and he wanted me to be happier, but he also knew that dwelling in the anger and enabling feelings of permanent victimhood would not be effective solutions.

So, I dedicate this reposted and re-edited post to my father.  I'd also like to wish a Happy Father's Day to all the men out there who accepted this most challenging role, and to thank them for the examples they have always set for their children.  I'd also like to thank my father for the support and encouragement he gave me earlier this year when it was most needed.

Yes, my Dad really was, and still is, the Zennest master of all Zen masters!  I still know of nobody else who keeps composure like he does.  I hope he had a nice day to just relaaaaaax today.  :)

Good night, All!

Sharing Our Thoughts - An Extra Post

The answers to many of our problems are not immediately made clear.  Sometimes they involve painstaking research of authoritative sources.  Other times, they involve deep soul-searching, which is far more difficult.  And yes, sometimes, they're out here in the blogosphere, and they involve answers both from within and without.

Tonight, I was about to post something, as a follow-up to the post about the Connecticut shooting, that would have been full of righteous anger, pain-driven fury, and unresolved grudges.  However, a faithful reader of mine, who will go nameless, reminded me of one of my earlier posts, namely "Who's In Control" from January 29, 2012, where I talked about how to maintain control over the thought process and not be consumed by stress, fear, anger, hate, etc.  She can be credited not only with (a) reminding me that once my words are out there, people do read them; and (b) completely altering what I was about to post.  So you see, the answer was already within me (I wrote it and apparently needed to re-read it), and was also external (she reminded me about it)!

(see also, "Don't Hulk Out," from November 20, 2011)

What can I say . . .  even though I present myself as an amateur guru/philosopher/anti-bullying crusader/self-help authority, I'm still flesh and blood.  I still get angry sometimes, and if something gets under my skin deep enough, I need to proceed carefully with a metaphorical tweezers to remove it.  It appears that my friend just provided them, helped me remove this splinter of negativity, and even cleanse the wound to prevent infection . . . and she did it by saying "Look, David, I found your tweezers!"

Hey, even Richard Carlson has been reminded to not "sweat the small stuff" by his children many a time!

This friend of mind has also been blogging quite a bit about her own life experiences, and they appear to be a fascinating read.  She's chosen to do it anonymously, which I respect, but she's also granted permission to me to post a link to it.  Check the blogroll down below, and you'll see it.

So that's my second of two posts for this Sunday night.  Have a good week, all!

The Record Is Closed

This evening, the 24-hour fast day of Yom Kippur came to an end.  For those who observe, this was our last chance to seek forgiveness for all wrongs we committed this year, and to ask for a chance to do it right this year.

In my profession, you usually get just once chance to make your argument or prove your case.  It's usually done "on the record," so there's always proof that you made it.  Only problem is, if you DON'T make that argument or offer of proof that you needed, and the record is CLOSED, YOU LOSE.

That means you can't bring it up for the first time on appeal -- can't sneak anything past judges at that level, for sure!

Well, I thought I covered everything as I was in temple last night and today, and made most of my peace with G-D.  However, during the course of the day, I did get a little curt and short with someone that I should not have.  I'm feeling a bit low about that, but the holiday is over.

That being said, the liturgy of this day says that the only atonement granted is for sins between you and G-D, which He is most likely to forgive.  Sins committed between you and other people?  You're on your own.

So, without bringing up any names or places, I would like to let this individual, who is a Facebook friend, know that I was wrong and I'm sorry.  I have no idea whether this person is in a forgiving mood, but I'm being sincere.

Of course, per my September 16, 2012 re-post, the ball would be in that person's court now.  If he/she is too good and full of themselves to accept my apology, my obligation ends.  By the way, this is why some people will tell you that NOT apologizing gets more respect than apologizing.  Far too many people see contrition as an act of weakness and groveling, and it emboldens them to rub it in the penitent one's face.

Accordingly, if my sincere entreaty is not accepted, then as far as I'm concerned, it's withdrawn, and my transgression is absolved.  It takes guts to admit that you made a mistake and you want forgiveness, but it takes little more than human decency to grant that forgiveness -- we're all human, after all.

Too big to forgive?  Take a gander at the book of Jonah, the lamest prophet in the Bible.  Went out of his way disobey G-D's own directive because he didn't want to see a whole nation of sinners forgiven.  Much to his chagrin, they did request atonement most sincerely, and it was granted over his objection, and G-D took the opportunity to rub it in Jonah's face so he'd finally learn!  Even after living in a whale's (or fish's) stomach for three days, the smell of the brine and seaweed did not alert him to the fact that forgiveness is available to all those who ask for it, and that nobody is so big to judge others not to forgive (except the Nazis, they'll never deserve it).

So now that the record is closed, and all is said and done -- I am sorry, but if I'm not forgiven, there's no real need to be.

Comment, y'all!

You Just Can't Make Them.

Good Evening All, it's about that time.

Things are going quite well -- took a nice long run up and down the neighborhood and the park.  To shake things up, I used a new heart rate monitor given to me by a very supportive family member.  While it didn't show me distance or pace, it did indicate that I was very close to my maximum heart rate of 181, and burned 1127 calories in 1:14:20.  Good to know that I'm not overdoing it, and also good to know that my metabolism hasn't slowed down!

But on to tonight's topic.  A friend of mine recently noted that attendance in his/her house of worship was significantly less this week than it was during the recent major holidays.  He felt sad and frustrated that others did not seek out G-D faithfully, and questioned why those with only sporadic attendance and participation would even join a congregation to begin with.

His feelings are completely valid, and I'm sure many others who are active in church or temple feel the same frustration.  Most weekends, the sanctuary is populated by "the regulars," but on the red-letter days, it's standing room only.  Or better yet, on the red-letter days, some people only come to hear "the important part," and then leave with a substantial amount of the service remaining.  It's annoying and disrespectful, let's be honest!  It also serves to erode faith - apathy is sometimes contagious, and it takes strength and discipline to indoctrine oneself against it.

However, the frustration felt towards our apathetic counterparts must be contained, otherwise it morphs into arrogance and judgment.  Nobody can force adherents of any faith to be present at services, or to say all the right prayers, or to do anything that the ancient scriptures say ought to be done.  That's why we live in a country that respects freedom of religion (and atheism), and not one that imposes religion on its population.

Are they doing wrong?  Maybe.  Is it a diss to the house of worship and its leaders?  It sure feels like it.  Then again, there might also be completely valid reasons for skipping or cutting, such as children, health, or other commitments.  Or chances are, they wish they could attend, but some problem in their life is preventing them from doing so, and they may be somewhat embarrassed to explain what it is!  It also might not be our business.

And if they don't have valid reasons, then let them deal with G-D Himself.  We can't assume that we speak for Him when we don't, so let Him do the job.  If He sees fit to send a message, people are much more likely to take Him seriously than us!

For those of us who are faithful attendees, keep it up.  Don't be discouraged by those who aren't there with you, and don't question whether you're wasting your time because of their no-shows.  Just like they don't have to explain to you why they don't go, you don't have to feel self-conscious or self-doubting because you choose to attend.  You honor G-D the way you see fit, keep your faith strong, and don't let anyone -- not the latecomers, not the early-leavers, not the no-shows, and not the smart-ass agnostics who deride and belittle your beliefs -- make you feel like you shouldn't stick with it.

And besides, maybe it's better to be happy with those who do attend, than it is to be angry at those who don't.  By way of analogy, look at me and this blog -- sometimes it feels like I have a pseudo-congregation out here in the blog-osphere, but I can't make people read it.  In fact, there are a few people out there I would LOVE to read it, but I know for a fact that they won't.   If I sent emails of my blog entries to all of them, demanding that they read it, they'd just get annoyed and delete them.  So all I can do is write what I know best, check the stats, and be happy with the turnout that results.  It hasn't happened often, but I sometimes get negative feedback from my readers.  I can't force them to love every single word I write, but I can politely acknowledge their beef, and then choose to either accept it or reject it.  It's far better for me to keep this going, even with the video, than to feel slighted and stunted by those who feel like walking out on what I'm saying.

WHEW . . .  sometimes I don't know where it comes from, people.  Oh, one more thing:

DISCLAIMER -- the above post was not intended to offend, malign, besmirch, insult, or kick sand in the face of any adherent or nonadherent of any church, religion, creed, cult, faith, group or organization.  Any offense or sense of being miffed is entirely the responsibility of the reader of this blog.

That's all I got now -- have a restful Sunday night!