The Deadly Trap of Demonization

Hey All - believe it or not, it's really spring!

Through my travels through social networking, I've joined a few groups that provide support to people recovering from abusive relationships.  Out of respect for those members, I won't reveal their names, but they are there, and hopefully some of their members will decide to like the Facebook page.

As I read the entries on this new page, I empathize wholeheartedly with what these folks have seen.  My heart goes out to how they have suffered, or continue to suffer.  However, it seems that telling the tales of woe is only one part of what's needed.  The other part is to heal and move forward.

At the beginning of this year, when I found Emotional Maturity and incorporated it into this blog, I started to realize that just bashing, crashing, and demonizing is not enough.  No, we can't pretend this didn't happen.  No, we can't pretend that what they've done is all our fault.  And no, we can't say that it was all our imagination when they've hurt us.

However, we can't just make their fault and misdeeds a crutch for everything.  At some point, we've got to stop the anger, end the grudges, and dispose of our ill will.

Many of those who do us wrong will not be apologetic or own up to their actions.  As Isaiah Hankel says, we cannot expect a confession from such people - all we'll get is an excuse, a denial, a reminder that we're not perfect either, or maybe a half-assed apology.  Accordingly, expecting to squeeze blood from a stone, or resorting to any other type of violence, is a waste.

Once we accept that they will not grow halos and wings, we have to stop cursing them for their horns and pitchforks.  We don't have to call it forgiveness - they may have caused harm that forgiveness won't resolve.  But we can call it dismissal or release.

We can censor them from our thoughts and conversations.  We can leave their scenes on the cutting room floor.  We can remove their likenesses from our internal Hall of Fame, and extend provide them with one of those tiny memorial plaques people screw onto park benches that nobody else notices.

For any of those group members who can read this, I feel you.  I've been done to, done wrong, rejected, dejected, and neglected almost as much as you have, though I won't minimize your pain or make it a competition.  I've also committed the erroneous error of holding onto those past wrongs for longer than necessary.  No matter how wrong they were, or how evil they may still be, believe me when I say that holding grudges against them doesn't cure it.  Instead, it eats away at you!

Even worse than that?  It lets them off the hook.  Yes, I know, that's shocking, but you're making something happen that's the exact opposite of what you want - you are letting them off the hook when you hold grudges against them.  There comes a time when our feelings about them stop being their fault and start becoming ours.  We are assuming liability for their fault!  We are bailing them out!  We are becoming just as bad as they are, because we emulate what we hate!!!!!!

You sure you want to give them that gift?  Or would you rather reduce them to the unpleasantness of a bad dream?

That's what I thought.

For those who prefer spiritual comfort for this effort, rest assured:  There's a Lady Named Karma.  She's not impressed with bad boys, and She's not friendly with mean girls.  She has the authority to pass judgment that we lack, and She has much better tools at Her disposal than we do.

Stop holding on to anger at our tormentors, and seeking revenge against our rivals.  Instead, direct that energy towards continuous life improvement, as expected by Our Father G-D.  Let Our Mother G-S Karma handle what the rest of them deserve.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I HANDLE WHAT I CAN CONTROL, WITH THE HELP OF FATHER G-D.

I DISMISS WHAT I CANNOT CONTROL, AND REFER IT UP TO MOTHER G-S.

Questions, comments, concerns?  Feel free to private message me.

From Above

Hey all - looks like July is almost in the can.  Summers fly, winters walk!

We are often faced with things beyond our control:  other people's unacceptable behavior, out-of-control children, and the weather.  Now I'm not saying you have to be religious to do this, but faith in a higher power is a sure fire way to be less irritable and critical over these dark smudges on an otherwise decent existence.

There is a G-D.  There is something, or someone, up there that knows you inside and out.  He knows when you're hurt and you're angry.  He knows when you've been done wrong.  And He knows who's responsible.

Our high-conflict neighbors think that a smack in the mouth is the only solution for these problems.  They're wrong.  Our L-D and Master, while still quick to forgive, has much stronger weapons in His arsenal.  We can't make someone lose their job, get dumped by their significant other, or contract a fatal disease - and let's be honest, we wouldn't really want to make any of that happen.  But G-D can, and sometimes will, do all that and then some.

Don't get it twisted - I'm not saying anyone should pray for someone else's demise.  G-D's not anyone's hitman.

What I am saying is that G-D sees everything they get away with.  He doesn't put you to a burden of proof because He's already seen all the evidence.  And more often than not, they don't "get away" with any of their misdeeds or malfeasance because their case files remain open for the pendency of their natural born lives.

And whether He executes His judgment sooner or later is not our concern.  Point being, neither is our desire for vengeance.

One way to live an empty, unfulfilled, unsatisfying, unpleasant, and unpeaceful life is to hold grudges.  To remain furious and hateful long after the offense has been committed.  To forever resent someone for "getting away with it" instead of simply fixing whatever damage was caused. 

I'm not letting them off the hook, don't worry - we all know that alpholes exist.  But the responsibility for seeking a pound of flesh from each person who hurts us is not the responsibility we're meant to carry.  We are not avenging angels out for justice like some movie hero.  We are not knights commissioned to slay a dragon like some RPG character.  And (yup, you knew I was going there) we don't live in a comic book.

We have goals to reach, levels to advance, and a duty to be true to ourselves.  Burning with revenge and obsessing over others' misdeeds gets in the way of the important work we need to do.  That's why it's kicked upstairs to He who always dispenses justice so we won't have to do so.  Leave that business to Him.

Let's be real - for some of us, like our high-conflict neighbors, a peaceful life is way too boring.  Good.  As they sometimes tell parents of over-scheduled children, we all need to be a little bored now and then.  That's how we get creative enough to build lives of substance and not of routine.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.  I AM BETA.

DISCLAIMER:  The above does not endorse or reject any particular religion or set of beliefs.  It just states that there is a G-D.  Those of you who are atheist or agnostic are entitled to disagree, with and only with respect.

Close It Out, and Crack Open a New One!

Good Evening, Peeps!

Sorry I was not around last week, but that only entitles my adoring public to a double portion for the Big '13!  And that ain't bad!

I already blogged about new beginnings, that's a subject we're all familiar with.  It's for sure that I've got some new beginnings going on for the Big '13.  But before that becomes official, it's also a good idea to trash all the not-so-happy material we collected in the past 12 months.

Yesterday in NYC, some organization put together a "Good Riddance Day."  Everything that people wanted to be rid of at the end of the year was shredded, compacted, or otherwise destroyed, along with notes of things that we all aspire to be rid of!

I know I've got a boatload of things I'm anxious to be rid of that accumulated in 2012, and I recommend all y'all do likewise.  So before I commence the purge cycle, let's review:

(1)  Memories of people who did not make my life happier.

(2)  Thoughts of people who seem to irritate me, and the reactionary thoughts that somehow keep the irritation on the repeat cycle long after the irritating source has been removed.  Of course, a long term removal of said irritants would be ideal, but you and I usually don't have a secret "eject" button to make that happen (with a few exceptions).

(3)  Any records that are older than 5 years -- that's why we have shredders!

(4)  Anything expired -- this may require the intervention of the Food Police, the Coupon Police, or the Out Of Date Magazine Task Force, but someone's gotta handle that job for real!!!!!!!!!!

(5)  Anything that takes up space for no good reason.

(6)  Any relationship that is not based on respect, trust, and understanding, and is instead based on guilt, fear, or obligation.

(7)  Stress triggered by something I have no control over and cannot fix at that moment.

(8)  Resentment of anyone who offers constructive and respectful criticism, doubt and fear engendered by negative criticism, and the understanding to differentiate between them both.

(9)  Grudges against anyone who wronged me this year.

(10)  Desperate need for approval by others, even when their approval is completely unnecessary.

(11)  Stagnant annoyance and irritation at people who act like jerks and a$$#oles.  As I've said before, merely hating them doesn't bring down G-D's wrath on them, they'll eventually bring that on themselves.

Of course, this list is not exhaustive.  In fact, I encourage all my Pillarites to comment and add their own s--t list!  Even for me, writing it down is the first and most decisive step towards getting rid of all this clutter and waste product that can only hold us back.

And of course, the two biggest things I'd like to close out, trash, and forget about for 2012:

(A)  Hurricane Sandy -- a natural disaster that left people homeless and unsheltered, ripped my beloved Long Island apart, and created yet another reason for people to gripe, complain, moan, and whine about how ineffectual government agencies are and always will be.

(B)  The Cancellation of the NYC Marathon -- after all the self-righteous posturing and soap-box commentary about how runners were selfish for not wanting the marathon to be canceled, and the shameless political pressure that caused it to be canceled, I'd like to put that nonsense far behind me.  And with the NYC RUNS marathon in February, and a visit to the upstate Frontier this May, that's exactly what your friendly neighborhood blogger intends to do.

So that's it.  Take a hike, 2012!  Get lost, disappear, vamanos!  And take that stupid Mayan BS with you too!

Now to make the Big '13 The Year of the Pillars!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Sharing Our Thoughts - An Extra Post

The answers to many of our problems are not immediately made clear.  Sometimes they involve painstaking research of authoritative sources.  Other times, they involve deep soul-searching, which is far more difficult.  And yes, sometimes, they're out here in the blogosphere, and they involve answers both from within and without.

Tonight, I was about to post something, as a follow-up to the post about the Connecticut shooting, that would have been full of righteous anger, pain-driven fury, and unresolved grudges.  However, a faithful reader of mine, who will go nameless, reminded me of one of my earlier posts, namely "Who's In Control" from January 29, 2012, where I talked about how to maintain control over the thought process and not be consumed by stress, fear, anger, hate, etc.  She can be credited not only with (a) reminding me that once my words are out there, people do read them; and (b) completely altering what I was about to post.  So you see, the answer was already within me (I wrote it and apparently needed to re-read it), and was also external (she reminded me about it)!

(see also, "Don't Hulk Out," from November 20, 2011)

What can I say . . .  even though I present myself as an amateur guru/philosopher/anti-bullying crusader/self-help authority, I'm still flesh and blood.  I still get angry sometimes, and if something gets under my skin deep enough, I need to proceed carefully with a metaphorical tweezers to remove it.  It appears that my friend just provided them, helped me remove this splinter of negativity, and even cleanse the wound to prevent infection . . . and she did it by saying "Look, David, I found your tweezers!"

Hey, even Richard Carlson has been reminded to not "sweat the small stuff" by his children many a time!

This friend of mind has also been blogging quite a bit about her own life experiences, and they appear to be a fascinating read.  She's chosen to do it anonymously, which I respect, but she's also granted permission to me to post a link to it.  Check the blogroll down below, and you'll see it.

So that's my second of two posts for this Sunday night.  Have a good week, all!

The Wrong Way

Hey hey all -- my technical difficulties have now been rectified.  When you keep a laptop with Windows Vista for five years, you have to expect a Windows or McAfee update to go "down the wrong pipe" and cause trouble.  I thank the expert techie who helped me out of that jam.  One of these days your friendly neighborhood blogger needs to join the '10s and buy himself an iPad!

We gotta talk about yesterday's tragic events at the Empire State Building.  Just what the heck happened with this Jeffrey Johnson?  A year after losing a job, he tries to put a point-blank mob hit on an ex-co-worker in broad daylight? 

The thing that really doesn't make sense is that he lost his job a year ago.  A temporary desire for revenge is expected immediately after losing one's job, but a year later, even if times are still tough, that desire should have waned, or better yet disappeared.

Couldn't someone have helped this man out?  Couldn't he have tried to help himself?  Or better yet, did the murder victim bully or torment Johnson that badly, or cause his termination, or act spitefully or snarkily?  We haven't heard all the details yet, even in the year 2012, but they may explain a few things.

The archives of this blog are jam-packed with posts that rail against bullying and those who permit it to happen.  It's no secret that I expect effective consequences to be delivered against bullies, gangsters, and miscreants without abandon.  But never, and the Rock means never, have I ever suggested that victims deprive these bandejos of their very lives.   Murder is never the answer. 

The Columbine killers were bullied so much they probably didn't understand right and wrong anymore -- they were still wrong to kill.  The Colorado "Joker" may have had some issue with Batman fans -- still wrong anyway.  Tons of employees of the United States Postal Service have laid waste to their employer -- not the right move no matter how frustrating the life must be.

People who wrong you are asking for consequences, without a doubt.  But unless they have a gun to your head or are interested in leaving your body living but violated (and not "legitimately," Captain Wordsmith Akin) in the immediate future, ending their lives is not the way to solve the problem.  As I've said before, we don't live in a comic book.  You don't get to be a hero for blowing someone away just because you're so unbelievably badass.  You get to be a criminal, a terrorist, or a corpse yourself.

I may be borrowing a quote from my adversaries, the "we-don't-care-it-doesn't-bother-me-it's-your-problem" crowd, but this time I think they're right.  There is such a thing as "natural consequences."  Some may call it karma, G-D's will, or bad juju, but it exists no matter what name it has.  When people wrong you, you have an obligation to protect yourself and to present consequences for your tormentor's actions.  But that obligation is limited by reason, common sense, and basic human dignity.  Did someone backstab you last year and cost you a promotion?  You don't have to pretend to believe that schmucking fool's friend, but you can still stop grinding your teeth in their presence.  Did someone embarrass you at Boy Scout Camp back during childhood?  For all you know, he may have contracted a terminal illness and died a slow and painful death.  Did someone make you feel useless, inadequate, abject, and deserving of abuse when you were young?  For you know, he may be unemployable due to a criminal record and still living at home well into his 30's or 40's.

Point being, our window of opportunity to dispense consequences is limited by time, space, and natural law.  We do not decide that an offense other than murder warrants death, only G-D does.  We do not pretend we're in a Rambo movie and that anyone who tries to stop you from killing deserves to die worse.  Stand up for yourself, live by the Four Pillars, and shut people down when they try to hurt you, but don't let it expand to homicide.

And oh, by the way -- some of the examples of natural consequences I listed above are true stories.

Comment, like, retweet, do your thing, peeps!