A Lady Named Karma

Hey All - Hope you had a good weekend!

Big news this week, a story that made me feel sad on a few levels:  The conviction of Bill Cosby. 

Like many of us, I have wonderful childhood memories of Bill Cosby:  In the early 80's, I remember my father and I bonded over the movie "Bill Cosby Himself," filmed live in Toronto.  A performance that included the Chocolate Cake For Breakfast, and other stories of his children.  My dad would often repeat, "Cosby is right - children are brain damaged!" 

Watching the Cosby Show in the 80's and 90's was required viewing on Must-See-TV Thursday nights!  Just about everything that happened on that show, you could relate to your own family.

Fast-forward to this decade.  The question of how so many people could simply sit on accusations for years, or even decades, and now seek to portray Cosby as some sort of perverted demon is simply not clear. 

However, his prosecution for crimes against Andrea Constand is different.  Those accusations were  reported soon after they occurred, but since she was suing him for millions, the Montgomery County DA declined to prosecute charges at the time.  However, since there had never been a written agreement not to prosecute, the current DA decided to actually file the charge mere weeks before the 12-year statute of limitations expired.  So the accuser didn't actually sit on it for years, but actions taken on it were somewhat held in abeyance.

Now that it's over, and he actually has been convicted of crimes committed against one victim, it's an honest tragedy.  The notion of him doing these things behind the scenes is terrible.  More than anything, I would like to think that the jury got it wrong, and that his attorneys will be successful on appeal.

However, the jury may have gotten it right.  If they did, then it validates everything I have said about Our Mother Lady Karma.  She doesn't need a vote of confidence before executing judgment.

A jury of Cosby's peers found that he took advantage of Ms. Constand in a particularly hideous way.  He also happened to have done so while married to a a permissive and enabling wife.  When this is done for long enough without remorse or regret, it comes within Our Mother's jurisdiction.  There is such a thing as natural justice, and it appears that we've seen it happen.

Bill Cosby is the last person I'd ever call an alphole.  Apparently he was one.  That's why they called in The Big Girl.

Farewell, Dr. Huxtable.  You will still be remembered for your talent and your charitable deeds.  But you must be remembered for this too.  We can only imagine that other predators like yourself will take heed of the consequences that await those who violate others' bodily integrity so that this issue will reach the Point of Evaporation.  Until then, we'll have to settle for a slow boil.

THERE'S A LADY NAMED KARMA.  SHE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS AND SHE'S NOT FRIENDS WITH MEAN GIRLS.  SHE MONOPOLIZES REVENGE AND RETRIBUTION BECAUSE SHE HAS BETTER TOOLS AT HER DISPOSAL THAN WE DO.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Revenge Evaporates

Hey All.  Looks like spring is finally here!

This is kind of an old-hat topic, but I felt the need to return to it.

Demonization Is Death.

Part of the reason we stay so angry at those who wronged us is that it's so easy.  It takes no skill at all to just get angry.  That's why children are always doing it and need to be taught how to stop.

This world we live in has become more and more contentious by the day.  Physical confrontations are started and manipulated to go viral.  Debates escalate into full-out war just because someone doesn't like someone else's FB post.  And divorces are less about an orderly termination of a marriage and far more about making the other former spouse's life as difficult as possible.

The reason for this is because we stop trying to understand the ways of our opponents and we instead see them as less than human, undeserving of respect, and something to be destroyed with as much pain as possible.  This is a mistake of the highest order.

This way of thinking enables the narcissists, abusers, and manipulators to do even more of what they do.  It justifies their high-conflict personalities, and encourages them to be aggressive where no aggression is needed.  It also keeps us stuck forever blaming, pointing, and self-victimizing.

How To Stop?

(1)  The Fact That It's Their Fault Does Not Give Us a Lifetime Free Pass.

Being someone else's victim does not make us flawless, does not exonerate us from all of our own wrongdoing, or render us immune to our own responsibility.  Contrary to popular opinion, it does not place us onto a pedestal from which we can continue judging, ad infinitum and ad nauseum, or to hurt others with immunity and impunity.

(2) We Cannot Spend A Lifetime Blaming Someone Else For How We Are.

The way to deal with our opponents is by either (a) removing them; or (b) refusing to allow them to trigger us.  Not by attributing all of our misfortune and shortcomings to them.  Yes, they still are alpholes and narcissists, let's be honest.  But what they are is far less important than what we are.  Whatever they may have done or said is not an excuse for us being filled with bitterness and resentment, no matter what the enablers and sycophants might suggest.

(3) Reach The Point Of Evaporation.

As I've said in my last post, when speaking about Tony Robbins and #MeToo, most modern-day problems and grievances eventually reach a Point of Evaporation.  Racism, sexism, rape culture, and other types of hatred do still exist, but they're shadows of their former selves.  It is only a matter of time before the Point of Evaporation is reached there - and at that point, the backlash that you may think is deserved against those perpetrators is no longer necessary.  It has evaporated into thin air.  So let our hate and anger do likewise.

To reach Emotional Maturity, resentment and grudges must be contained, controlled, and where possible, eliminated forever.  It doesn't mean that they weren't wrong, and it doesn't mean that we didn't get wronged.  But it does mean that we are not ruled by hate and anger at someone else's actions, and we are instead taking responsibility for our lives.

It's not our place to seek revenge, and it's not our obligation to remain in a state of war against people we don't like.  We are not avenging angels, and it's not up to us to interfere with the judgment that will be executed against them.  I've been giving Her a little bit of a break lately, but say it with me . . .

THERE'S A LADY NAMED KARMA.  SHE'S NOT ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS AND SHE'S NOT FRIENDS WITH MEAN GIRLS.  SHE SOLELY DOMINATES THE FIELD OF VENGEANCE BECAUSE SHE HAS MUCH BETTER TOOLS AT HER DISPOSAL THAN WE DO.

Let's let it evaporate, and kiss it on up to Our Mother.  She'll handle it for us.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

FROM HERE TO THE POINT OF EVAPORATION.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Beyond Our Control

Good Evening All - hope we're all enjoying the spring weather.

Yes, there was a tone of sarcasm, in case you missed it!

This weekend, we are faced with two things that can make our lives pleasant or unpleasant, that we have absolutely no control over.

Taxes.

It's not something anyone truly enjoys, but as American citizens, we are obligated to provide a percentage of our income to our federal government, as administered by the Internal Revenue Service.  Anywhere from approximately 25% to 40% of our income, one way or another, must be given to the government, and sometimes more is given to states and local municipalities.  Some call it the social contract, some call it a form of socialism.  But it's still there, and we face untold penalties and consequences if we refuse to do so.

And once that money is provided to the government, as required, we have very little say as to what it's used to accomplish.  And honestly, they don't always do the job we hope they would.  That's why my father always taught us, "If you owe taxes, don't pay them before April 1st.  They don't deserve your money earlier than that." 

Most of us get refunds, where our employers take more taxes out of our paychecks than the government actually requires, and they are required to return the difference.  Many call this the return of an "interest-free loan."  Still a nice little bump that helps pay a few bills, etc.

As unfair as it often is - the prospect of having a government take money from us, under threat of civil and criminal penalties, knowing full well that we have no recourse against that government using our money in ways we don't like - it's something we have no control over.  It's not a cause celebre that anyone can take up and expect to be taken seriously.  Like it or lump it, unless and until someone completely dismantles and reorganizes the IRS, and rewrites the tax code, we've all gotta pay.  End of story.

Weather.

It's out of control.  We've had all four seasons in one week.  Sometimes in one day.  A winter that has not yet ended.  Well, this might be normal by upstate New York/New England/Minnesota standards, but certainly not be Northeast/Mid-Atlantic standards!

We can't demand sunshine all the time, and we can't manipulate meteorology.  But we can prepare and dress based on what we believe will most likely happen.

So let's save our energy for those many issues that we actually can do something about.  These two are not among them.  Kiss 'em up to Our Mother Lady Karma instead.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Backlash

Hey All!  Just came back from a little trip, now learning that just because the calendar says it's spring, the weather doesn't have to cooperate.

In the last few days, Tony Robbins, a giant in the self-help industry, has faced a torrent of criticism when he criticized the #MeToo movement.  He stated that those who are part of this movement are encouraging women to play the victim role, to refuse to take responsibility for their own lives, and to destroy other people to make themselves feel good about themselves.  Whether he thought this through completely before he made this statement is not clear.  What is clear is that the reaction to his statement is loud and angry.

Was he right or wrong?  Or are those reacting?  Let's review:

(1) Women are just as human as men - flesh and blood, heart and soul, thoughts and dreams.  Unfortunately, our species has celebrated male dominance and control for millennia, and only came to accept women as equals within the past century.

(2) Because of this, the notion that men can demand any type of physical contact, from playful slaps to full on intercourse, whenever they chose, so long as they were the strongest and most virile around, just like all other species in the animal kingdom, was hard-wired in our consciousness.  The notion that women are somehow empowered to reject this conduct is a comparatively recent one, and one that has not yet transformed how both genders interact.

(3) Gradually, women were accepted as equals, at least legally.  They now occupy every single profession that was once solely occupied by men.  Whether or not they truly earn less than men for the same work remains a subject of debate that will not be addressed further here.

(4) In terms of criminal law, prosecution of rape and sexual offenses has been transformed to the extent where the victim is believed, with or without proof beyond a reasonable doubt, and the accused, once found guilty, pays with the complete destruction of his life.  Earlier, nearly all accusers were viewed with skepticism and thought to have been untruthful, but now the pendulum has swung completely the other way.

(5) Upon exposure of men who had taken unwanted liberties with women, the MeToo movement was spawned.  Those with long and tarnished histories of making unwanted sexual advances were taken out in the public square and faced loss of their livelihoods, and possibly their freedom.

To The Extent That The #MeToo Movement Is Culturally Transforming How Men Are Expected to Treat Women, it is Valid, Right, and Good.

Now let's try a twist:

(1) That same dominance and control that men were celebrated for has also been asserted against men who were not as strong, smart, or aggressive as others.  For that reason, those "lesser men" have been referred to by the more aggressive men by a variety of misogynistic references, which will not be repeated here.

(2) They have also been faced with the same type of aggressive stance that women have faced, although the nature of that stance has been more violent than sexual in nature.

(3) While the anti-bullying movement, in the academic and workplace setting, is actually a more recent concept than that of feminism, it faces even more criticism and rejection than movements like #MeToo.  While women-supporting advocates remind us that women do not share responsibility for the abuse they suffer or the attacks visited on them by men who don't respect boundaries, men and boys who face bullying are not granted such courtesy.

(4) Speaking from personal experience, I have heard the same people who are die-hard #MeToo supporters, who demand consequences for instances of sexual abuse and credibility for women who suffer them, nevertheless dismiss and reject allegations of bullying with suggestions that the victims of that societal ill "ask for it" and "bring it on themselves," and need to "man up."

(5) Bullying is concededly less severe than sexual abuse or assault, but the victims of both acts of wrongdoing are left with the same exact feelings:

  (A) It's my fault that this was done to me;
  (B) Nobody will take me seriously;
  (C) If I speak out about it, I'll be considered weak and/or deserving of it; and
  (D) They'll just get away with it again anyway.

Accordingly, We Face An Inconsistency.

 The reason why Tony Robbins has a real problem right now is that the notion that women are at fault for being sexually assaulted, are playing the role of victim in order to gain sympathy, and want to tear people down with accusations to feel better about life is simply no longer acceptable in our society.  The thought that it's always their fault, while once universally thought, no longer works because society has accepted women as equal to men - a concept that is incongruous with our ancient hard-wiring - and does not seek to grant men free reign over women's bodies or minds.

HOWEVER, when boys are bullied in school, and men are bullied at work, society most certainly still does feel that way.  Male victims of bullying are constantly told that the reason they are bullied is their fault, that playing the victim keeps them from growing, and that they need to "get over it," thereby letting the bully enjoy a no-consequences existence.  Internet memes suggest that "teach kids to fight" is the only answer to bullying, despite the fact that this is the very reason why bullying continues.  Also, when the abuser is a female and the victim is a male, the male is considered not only deserving, but also ridiculously weak, because a woman would supposedly never do that to a so-called "real man," despite the reverse often being true.

Can This Be Reconciled?  YES to both.

(A)  The #MeToo movement needs its recognition for many reasons.  With enough time and attention, the desire to ever subject a woman to unwanted advances or disrespect will most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(B) Once the point of evaporation is reached, then the anger and backlash against men must stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at men who have acted respectfully, but still have opposing perspectives, is no longer necessary or acceptable.

(C)  Likewise with the anti-bullying movement needs just as much recognition.  As stated above, enough time and attention should also be given, rather than dismissing one group of victims as heroes and another as cowards.  Eventually, the desire to ever victimize anyone else, regardless of race/gender/etc., will also most likely evaporate, notwithstanding that desire's long-standing tradition.

(D) Once the point of evaporation is reached, any resulting anger and backlash against former bullies must also stop as well.  The message has been sent, received, and absorbed.  At that point, seeking to point fingers at former bullies who have reformed is no longer necessary or acceptable.

For the sake of clarification, we do not minimize the mistreatment of women, or suggest it is a less worthy cause than the response and elimination of bullying.  Rather, we seek to draw a parallel and an equivalent solution.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

Stoneman-Douglas - The New Columbine

Hey All - Hope you're enjoying your weekend!

It's becoming old news pretty fast, but I needed to say something about this latest school shooting.

For the last several weeks, as the country has moved on from the school shooting in Lakeland, Florida, we've had a lot of issues come up on the news.  Second Amendment vs. Gun Control.  Better mental health care.  Whose fault it was.  Whose fault it wasn't.  And we've seen this great group of kids from that high school - the Most Likely To Succeed types - take center stage and challenge Washington and Tallahassee to do better jobs.

But I've seen a different issue and started running with it, because I think it comes before the others:

Did anyone ever just say hi to this kid?

Did Emma Gonzalez ever ask Nikolas Cruz if he was having a bad day?  Did she ever sit with him at lunch?

Did David Hogg ever invite him to play at recess?  Did he ever contact the school psychologist out of concern that Nikolas was in a bad way?

These are straight, unloaded questions.  I'm not suggesting that these students did anything wrong.  Instead, I'm asking if they had ever tried to show Nikolas that he wasn't really alone.

They can persist in finding fault with the NRA and the Broward County Sheriff's office.  Whenever something goes wrong, it's perfectly natural to demand to know who was responsible.  But it might also be enlightening to review the choices we've made ourselves.

Nobody has said whether or not Nikolas Cruz was bullied.  From the sound of it, he might have been a real terror if he was barred from wearing a backpack on campus, and then expelled.  That might have made the thought of speaking to him daunting - kind of like Kevin speaking to that weird old man in "Home Alone" - but if he had know that someone was at least willing to treat him like a human being, he might not have been so willing to destroy other human beings.

Yes, there is the possibility that someone tried this and it didn't work.  Maybe Cruz might have thought people approaching him were phony and fake, or looking to manipulate him.  Kids can be pretty good at that.  But if nobody enlightens us on that, we'll never know.

And, of course, I'm not saying that anyone should have pretended to be his friend when there was no friendship.  Friendship is a precious thing that should only be granted to a select few.  Respect, however, is to be evenly distributed to all.

With all of these issues that have propped up, I hope the youth of today and tomorrow will consider these events in their future dealings with their troubled peers.  It's for damn sure that throwing shade, bullying, snarking, and dissing isn't helping anyone.  And this blaming and shaming in the media in't much better.

RESPECT ALL

BEFRIEND FEW

LOVE ONE

HATE NONE


I EXIST.

I MATTER.

I BELONG.

I DESERVE.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY

runninglaw@gmail.com

No Fair?

Hey All - Enjoying your Sunday?

One major obstacles we encounter in our quest to reach Emotional Maturity is our sense of fairness and equity, and how the rest of the world sometimes doesn't operate with it.  In school and work, we've witnessed favoritism, nepotism, and miscarriages of justice.

It can sting and burn us when our hard work is disregarded and dismissed, and someone who worked less hard gets more respect.  It can sting and burn worse when we are compelled to operate within rules and restrictions that don't seem to apply to others.

It can sting and burn even worse when what we want to say - what we are passionate about and feel to the core of our being - gets interrupted, ridiculed, and rendered meaningless by people who are not concerned about our feelings.

Some people will tell you to "get over it."  That's code for, "I don't care - shut up."  So I won't say that.

Others will deflect to focus the issue on your faults, and tell you that you deserved it so they can get away with it.  I won't say that either.

SECRETS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW:  There are subjects they care about just as deeply as you care about yours.  However, their ego tells them that their issues matter and yours don't, because they're better than you.  Try to re-evaluate your need to associate with anyone who does this.

Here's what I will say instead:

(1) Evaluate What's More Important - Your Message, Or Your Audience.

It's ok to acknowledge that it hurts when that rejection comes at you.  But you've also got to consider the right time, place, and audience to receive your message.  For example, if you're a Yankee fan, there's no reason for you to talk big and bad about how great your team is in a room full of Mets fans.  Your passion for the Yankees may be heartfelt and sincere, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to bring it up in front of them, knowing full well that they are only too ready to say that your team is less than wonderful.

Aim it where it counts.  And pick a better audience to receive it too - just because they don't like it doesn't mean they're right.

(2) Don't Make It Life Or Death.

Find yourself stuck with people who like to interrupt?  Hopefully it's because you didn't miss an opportunity to un-stuck yourself.  But if you can't get out of it, please accept the fact that no part of this conversation will be about you unless they feel a reason to criticize you, or "only be honest."  Your strengths and accomplishments simply have no value here, like currency from other countries.

Don't fall into the trap of starting a whole big topic that you feel is super-amazing-wonderful in the presence of people who you already know do not.  That's just as bad as Charlie Brown running to kick the football Lucy is holding for him, knowing full well that she's always going to pull it away.

Understand:  It's not that it's "not all about you."  It's never going to be about you, and it's always going to be about them.  Let them have it, they obviously need it more than we do.  And if you're able to do so, reduce or eliminate your interactions with them.

If you must speak to them at all, use sentences of five words or less.  By the time they try to interrupt you, you'll have already finished speaking.

(3) Don't Be A Sidekick.

People don't like these labels:  Narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator, psychopath, egomaniac.  We are not psychiatrists, and cannot make these diagnoses.  We can, however, decide for ourselves whether people who behave like this should or should not be in our lives.

If you find yourself always in the presence of someone who seems to interrupt everything you say, correct every single thing you say that isn't perfect, and finish your sentence for you when it is, you have a real problem.  Much of the problem is whoever is acting this way - it's not acceptable.  But it's also you - you welcome this behavior and allow it to continue.  When you allow yourself to live under someone else's thumb and someone else's rules at all time - with the obvious exception of the military - you are losing.  Leave them - please.

(4) Accept That Others Make Rules That Are Beyond Our Control.

This includes the relationships other people have with each other that might impact on us inequitably.  Bosses who fawn all over people with less qualifications and work ethic than we have, but treat us unfavorably.  So-called friends who go out of their way to also be friends with people we're not happy with, or automatically turn on you in front of crowds to make themselves look good.  And, for the singles out there, those who are not attracted to you, no matter how good to them you might have been.

Getting furious at these kangaroo-court rulings, hating those arbitrary and capricious decision makers, and holding permanent grudges against anyone who says no to you are sure-fire ways to keep yourself in arrested development.  Acknowledging so much unfairness of things, however, with the wisdom to know when to speak out, and when not to, is a way to rise above it.

That boss would rather listen to their favorite than to you?  Maybe that's their mistake, and they'll learn it the hard way.  They're friends with that one?  Let them be even better friends with that one by taking away their second choice.  And someone else just isn't into you?  Stop being into them - they clearly don't deserve that much adulation.

TAKEAWAY:  The rest of the world will not always do the right thing by us.  They will treat us unfairly, address us disrespectfully, and sometimes try to shoot down and disparage everything that we think is important, because they have a mouth and nobody taught them when to close it.  We cannot always "get back" at them, get them in trouble, or hurt them just because they do things we don't like.  We most certainly can, however, address them without becoming angry or triggered. 

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Hate None - Return of The Alpholes

Hey All - Hope you're having a relaxing Sunday Night!

As long as I've been writing, I've pointed out that there are people who aren't good to us, don't care about us, and somehow manage to get away with everything they've ever done wrong.  I've demanded that they be eliminated from our interactions, I've exposed their wrongdoings, and I've branded them with a label that they never liked very much.

For the uninformed, I called them alpholes.

Having always had a low opinion for those who were aggressive when they shouldn't have been, dominating and controlling when a leader or boss was not needed, and just way too full of themselves, I needed a name for them.  I combined the term "alpha males" with "assholes," and it was a perfect fit.  Having been on the mend from a terminated relationship, and feeling somewhat resentful, it was just the right message at just the right time.

However, the need to keep using that term, over time, has proven unnecessary and unprofitable.

The circumstances that I was in when I started using that term changed, immeasurably for the better.  That terminated relationship has faded into the background, and was replaced with one that is a thousand times better.  I also discovered, little by little, that those who were not being good to me or for me were not owed a lifetime of continued and begrudging association, so I stopped.  Last but not least, I understood that I didn't have to think about how angry I was at something from the past, I didn't have to be stuck with a constant reminder of it, and I didn't have to trap myself in a cycle of hate, grudges and finger-pointing. 

I didn't have to keep thinking about how unfair their judgments seemed to be, because I could just make my own.

When I kept pointing out other people's faults, it honestly didn't make me happy.  It made me feel miserable.  There was simply no glory to be found in bashing and crashing, no matter how badly those alpholes deserved it.

Also, I tapped into a little bit of Dr. Isaiah Hankel's words:  To paraphrase, he discusses how fruitless and unprofitable it is to demand that someone else confess or admit their wrongdoing - it won't happen, because nobody thinks they're the bad guy in their own stories.  The most you'll get out of that affair is a one-minute half-assed apology, an hour's lecture about how you deserved it because of what you did, you're not perfect either, and how they're better/smarter/whatever than you anyway, and a lifetime of resentment. 

I very rarely call them alpholes anymore, but that's only because it's my own choice to not stir up my own negative feelings.  They still exist, trust me.  I've simply learned, the hard way, that they're going to be alpholes no matter what we do or say, because they honestly believe there's nothing in the world wrong with what they're doing.  Demanding that they grow halos and wings in response to our objections to their personalities doesn't work.  We can either accept them for what they are, which is tolerance and respect, or we can reject them for what they are, which is boundaries and self-respect.  

(1) Cursing them for not behaving or thinking the way we want them to is not the answer.  Removing and Replacing them, if they're unacceptable, is.

(2) Telling everyone else you know how terrible they are is not the answer.  Eliminating them as a topic of conversation, is.

(3) Stripping away all of their humanity because of what you find intolerable, is not the answer.  Deciding what you will tolerate and what you won't, is.

This is our reality.  The problem is not the fact that they are alpholes and do alpholish things.  The problem is us getting so busy throwing shade at them that we forget that we can simply remove them with no malice aforethought.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.