A Post in Honor of Labor Day!
http://ping.fm/07kZX
Don't forget to comment!
This blog is meant for the advancement, redemption, and self actualization of those who have not been taught how to properly manage their emotions, and have suffered due to this lack of information. While we in no way defend those who have harmed us, we also do not make ourselves triggered and manipulated by people and things we cannot control. Through the application of the Eight Pillars, we can move forward and become the strong, unflappable, respectable people we were meant to be.
Monday, September 5, 2011
For Those Who Work Hard
Today is Labor Day. Many of us had the day off from our usual occupations, to honor and respect the American worker. Since I was one of them, I postponed this week's blog until now.
I'd like to say a few words about those who labor, and the respect they deserve.
There is a group of friends that I sorely miss. They live in my hometown on Long Island, and they raise their families together, sharing good times and bad, and sometimes sharing profit and loss. Had Hurricane Irene not rained on our parades, I would have sojourned out to the Island to wish Happy Birthday to my godson and his older brother, and to acknowledge that they will both become big brothers this winter.
When I think about hard work, the image of these boys' father pops into my head. I have known him since we were both in the first grade.
When we were in high school, he played hard more than he worked hard. If you knew him, you'd see he was a star. Every guy wanted to be him, know him, or hang with him. Every woman . . . he should be the one to finish that sentence, and not me. :) He was the coolest, the hippest, the funnest, and the savviest. Point being, he brought good times with him everywhere he went, and elevated everything he touched.
Since high school ended, this man's time to play hard also ended. However, he replaced that effort with his capacity to work hard, which he has done ever since. He is an expert electrician and cable installer. His knowledge requires him to traverse the entire tri-state area to wherever his work is needed, so he may support his family. He also can handle every type of home improvement issue that suburban life can throw at a man. And he never, and I mean never, complains about how difficult or uncomfortable it is. In fact, even while working harder than he did as a teen, he still has that attitude that elevates everything he touches. As a father of two, soon to be three, boys, this is the right example to emulate.
What does this mean for the rest of us? Transference of attitude, I think. Many of us get lazy and start complaining over our job conditions. We tend to do so with no idea of how much worse it could be if our jobs were suddenly taken away from us, which does happen in this economy. We are better off taking pride in the work we do and the profit it brings us. If many of us worked the way my friend does, we might not think of it as easy. He probably doesn't either. You wouldn't know that, though, because he carries himself through his work as if he were still in high school. Still laughing, cracking jokes, and showing grace under pressure when things were rough -- much the same way he did when confronted with an overzealous disciplinarian in the old academic days. Maintaining this same posture towards adversity and difficulty is what sets him apart from other men, now and then.
The Four Pillars tell us that we exist, matter, belong, and deserve. They don't tell us that we are spoiled, or that effort is beneath us. Although he's brought this attitude to work and fun long before yours truly typed out the Four Pillars, he's actually been applying them better than most people I know. He makes himself an integral part of every project he's on, and earns respect on top of remuneration. Such is the manner that each of us should approach our job and/or business, should we hope to succeed.
However, the spotlight does not only belong to him this week. Although this blog is primarily meant to provide motivation for men and boys with low self-esteem, it has come to my attention that most of the people who follow this blog are female. Not to pander or glad-hand, but in the interests of further increasing traffic, I'd like to show the example of a woman I know who works just as hard as this man, if not more.
She is a single mother of three daughters. She was in a marriage that was not doing her family or herself any good. She took the risk of not only ending the marriage, but also moving her family clear across the country for a better life. This move required her to work, and to work hard once she arrived there.
This move required her to make sacrifices. Life got less comfortable than it had been previously, and sacrifices had to be made that required her and her girls to give up the creature comforts they had previously enjoyed. Despite it all, on she presses.
Not everyone in her family or circle of friends agreed with this decision. Some of them gave her a cold shoulder, and others reneged on promises made. Even with so much unfairness of things, she worked two jobs, or one with additional hours, so that her girls could have what passes for a normal life. She has also moved on from the remnants of her marriage to find love and respect from a man who recognizes her and loves her for who she is. She is now the modern-day embodiment of the protagonist of Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage and Her Children."
This woman has also used the Four Pillars without realizing it. Despite the fear, doubt, and rejection that came her way, she knows that she plays an indispensable role. She plays the primary caregiver role for her family, teaching her girls the values of self-reliance and discipline. She reminds them to learn from her example of the right choices to make and the mistakes to avoid. She teaches them that even if they may hate the decisions she makes, they are done out of love and concern first and foremost.
So let's all remember the American worker. If there were no blue-collar workers, we'd all be living in tents. If there were no white collar workers, we'd be living in anarchy. If there were no green-collar workers, our environment would be deadly. And if nobody worked, we couldn't live.
Have a good week getting back to work and school, all. And don't forget to comment, like, and follow on Facebook and Twitter!
I'd like to say a few words about those who labor, and the respect they deserve.
There is a group of friends that I sorely miss. They live in my hometown on Long Island, and they raise their families together, sharing good times and bad, and sometimes sharing profit and loss. Had Hurricane Irene not rained on our parades, I would have sojourned out to the Island to wish Happy Birthday to my godson and his older brother, and to acknowledge that they will both become big brothers this winter.
When I think about hard work, the image of these boys' father pops into my head. I have known him since we were both in the first grade.
When we were in high school, he played hard more than he worked hard. If you knew him, you'd see he was a star. Every guy wanted to be him, know him, or hang with him. Every woman . . . he should be the one to finish that sentence, and not me. :) He was the coolest, the hippest, the funnest, and the savviest. Point being, he brought good times with him everywhere he went, and elevated everything he touched.
Since high school ended, this man's time to play hard also ended. However, he replaced that effort with his capacity to work hard, which he has done ever since. He is an expert electrician and cable installer. His knowledge requires him to traverse the entire tri-state area to wherever his work is needed, so he may support his family. He also can handle every type of home improvement issue that suburban life can throw at a man. And he never, and I mean never, complains about how difficult or uncomfortable it is. In fact, even while working harder than he did as a teen, he still has that attitude that elevates everything he touches. As a father of two, soon to be three, boys, this is the right example to emulate.
What does this mean for the rest of us? Transference of attitude, I think. Many of us get lazy and start complaining over our job conditions. We tend to do so with no idea of how much worse it could be if our jobs were suddenly taken away from us, which does happen in this economy. We are better off taking pride in the work we do and the profit it brings us. If many of us worked the way my friend does, we might not think of it as easy. He probably doesn't either. You wouldn't know that, though, because he carries himself through his work as if he were still in high school. Still laughing, cracking jokes, and showing grace under pressure when things were rough -- much the same way he did when confronted with an overzealous disciplinarian in the old academic days. Maintaining this same posture towards adversity and difficulty is what sets him apart from other men, now and then.
The Four Pillars tell us that we exist, matter, belong, and deserve. They don't tell us that we are spoiled, or that effort is beneath us. Although he's brought this attitude to work and fun long before yours truly typed out the Four Pillars, he's actually been applying them better than most people I know. He makes himself an integral part of every project he's on, and earns respect on top of remuneration. Such is the manner that each of us should approach our job and/or business, should we hope to succeed.
However, the spotlight does not only belong to him this week. Although this blog is primarily meant to provide motivation for men and boys with low self-esteem, it has come to my attention that most of the people who follow this blog are female. Not to pander or glad-hand, but in the interests of further increasing traffic, I'd like to show the example of a woman I know who works just as hard as this man, if not more.
She is a single mother of three daughters. She was in a marriage that was not doing her family or herself any good. She took the risk of not only ending the marriage, but also moving her family clear across the country for a better life. This move required her to work, and to work hard once she arrived there.
This move required her to make sacrifices. Life got less comfortable than it had been previously, and sacrifices had to be made that required her and her girls to give up the creature comforts they had previously enjoyed. Despite it all, on she presses.
Not everyone in her family or circle of friends agreed with this decision. Some of them gave her a cold shoulder, and others reneged on promises made. Even with so much unfairness of things, she worked two jobs, or one with additional hours, so that her girls could have what passes for a normal life. She has also moved on from the remnants of her marriage to find love and respect from a man who recognizes her and loves her for who she is. She is now the modern-day embodiment of the protagonist of Bertolt Brecht's "Mother Courage and Her Children."
This woman has also used the Four Pillars without realizing it. Despite the fear, doubt, and rejection that came her way, she knows that she plays an indispensable role. She plays the primary caregiver role for her family, teaching her girls the values of self-reliance and discipline. She reminds them to learn from her example of the right choices to make and the mistakes to avoid. She teaches them that even if they may hate the decisions she makes, they are done out of love and concern first and foremost.
So let's all remember the American worker. If there were no blue-collar workers, we'd all be living in tents. If there were no white collar workers, we'd be living in anarchy. If there were no green-collar workers, our environment would be deadly. And if nobody worked, we couldn't live.
Have a good week getting back to work and school, all. And don't forget to comment, like, and follow on Facebook and Twitter!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Surviving the Hurricane and Its Consequences!
Yes, peoples, the worst is over!
The Lady and I spent this weekend with family in higher ground, as we needed to evacuate where we live due to Hurricane Irene. Thanks to my in-laws, as well as the lucky fact that we did not lose power, this storm was smooth sailing, rather than wild rapids!
But now that we've dispensed with the news of the day, I've started to realize that I've been concentrating too much on current events, and not enough on this blog's topic. That's why you're now going to see a topic shift!
Anyone watch the show "Curb Your Enthusiasm?" Larry David plays this hopeless guy who always gets yelled at, always gets stuck in sticky situations, and ALWAYS is made to bear responsibility for something that goes awry. Anyone out there ever feel that way?
(you better believe I have)
Well, you need look no further than my earlier posts. However, I'd like to expound on that theory tonight, since as long as men exist (and matter and belong and deserve), they will, REPEAT WILL, make mistakes. How they deal with the mistakes, and their consequences, is not unlike the manner in which they survive hurricanes. You can either deal with what has happened and resolve it, to the extent that it's resolvable. Or you can get upset and cranky, and make it a thousand times worse!
Did you make a mistake? Depends. Do you have two arms? Two legs? Two eyes? Two ears? Do you exist, matter, belong, and deserve? You better believe you do! Accept it. You cannot, and never will be perfect. No matter how much self-esteem you are finally able to generate, no matter how successful you are, no matter how beloved you are, you will never, AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER, be perfect, and you will never stop screwing up!!!!
Is someone giving you a problem with that mistake? Oh boy, here comes trouble . . . .
"LOOK what you did!" "How could you?" "WTF?!?!!?" "Are you stupid?" "Are you deaf?" "I should have just done it myself." "You're pathetic!"
Hard words to hear. But when you make a mistake, depending on how bad it is, someone will ALWAYS be saying something like this.
It bears repeating that if you don't admit you're wrong when you really are, you're a sucker. In fact, you are WORSE than all these gangsters and bullies I keep blogging about! Even when they get shown cold hard evidence of what they've done, they either deny or act like they don't give a darn. Un. Ac. Cept. A. Ble.
When you're wrong, ADMIT it and APOLOGIZE for it. That doesn't mean that you grovel like a weakling or a slave, because that sends a signal of wounded prey. It means that you speak honestly and sincerely, and detail that you were wrong, and that you would like to correct it.
If you can, fix the situation. Once you make amends, IT'S OVER. You do not bring up the subject again. You just file it away and remind yourself, BE CAREFUL that you don't do this AGAIN. Not because someone else is going to yell at you, not because you're going to be punished, and not because you won't get chocolate pudding for desert. But because you are capable of LEARNING from mistakes, and because you MATTER and you DESERVE.
But now there's stage two: what if the apology is not accepted? What if the upbraiding continues? Any of this sound familiar?
"I shouldn't have HAD to correct you!" "Who cares if you're sorry? You should never have done it in the first place!" "I NEVER would have done that!"
Anyone who talks to you that way has crossed a line. When you admit your faults and make amends, and they're too good to accept your apology, they're milking you for more than you owe. There is NOTHING more that they deserve OTHER than an apology and possible restitution. If that's their attitude, they are committing emotional extortion!
You did something wrong, don't think you're getting exonerated from that. However, if you've paid your debt for that misdeed, you are NOT entitled to disproportionate consequences. After you've finished paying for that mistake, and they refuse to accept your apology because they're just too good fat that, walk away from them. They are not worth your respect, your time, or your atonement.
Don't forget to comment, like, or follow!
The Lady and I spent this weekend with family in higher ground, as we needed to evacuate where we live due to Hurricane Irene. Thanks to my in-laws, as well as the lucky fact that we did not lose power, this storm was smooth sailing, rather than wild rapids!
But now that we've dispensed with the news of the day, I've started to realize that I've been concentrating too much on current events, and not enough on this blog's topic. That's why you're now going to see a topic shift!
Anyone watch the show "Curb Your Enthusiasm?" Larry David plays this hopeless guy who always gets yelled at, always gets stuck in sticky situations, and ALWAYS is made to bear responsibility for something that goes awry. Anyone out there ever feel that way?
(you better believe I have)
Well, you need look no further than my earlier posts. However, I'd like to expound on that theory tonight, since as long as men exist (and matter and belong and deserve), they will, REPEAT WILL, make mistakes. How they deal with the mistakes, and their consequences, is not unlike the manner in which they survive hurricanes. You can either deal with what has happened and resolve it, to the extent that it's resolvable. Or you can get upset and cranky, and make it a thousand times worse!
Did you make a mistake? Depends. Do you have two arms? Two legs? Two eyes? Two ears? Do you exist, matter, belong, and deserve? You better believe you do! Accept it. You cannot, and never will be perfect. No matter how much self-esteem you are finally able to generate, no matter how successful you are, no matter how beloved you are, you will never, AND THE ROCK MEANS NEVER, be perfect, and you will never stop screwing up!!!!
Is someone giving you a problem with that mistake? Oh boy, here comes trouble . . . .
"LOOK what you did!" "How could you?" "WTF?!?!!?" "Are you stupid?" "Are you deaf?" "I should have just done it myself." "You're pathetic!"
Hard words to hear. But when you make a mistake, depending on how bad it is, someone will ALWAYS be saying something like this.
It bears repeating that if you don't admit you're wrong when you really are, you're a sucker. In fact, you are WORSE than all these gangsters and bullies I keep blogging about! Even when they get shown cold hard evidence of what they've done, they either deny or act like they don't give a darn. Un. Ac. Cept. A. Ble.
When you're wrong, ADMIT it and APOLOGIZE for it. That doesn't mean that you grovel like a weakling or a slave, because that sends a signal of wounded prey. It means that you speak honestly and sincerely, and detail that you were wrong, and that you would like to correct it.
If you can, fix the situation. Once you make amends, IT'S OVER. You do not bring up the subject again. You just file it away and remind yourself, BE CAREFUL that you don't do this AGAIN. Not because someone else is going to yell at you, not because you're going to be punished, and not because you won't get chocolate pudding for desert. But because you are capable of LEARNING from mistakes, and because you MATTER and you DESERVE.
But now there's stage two: what if the apology is not accepted? What if the upbraiding continues? Any of this sound familiar?
"I shouldn't have HAD to correct you!" "Who cares if you're sorry? You should never have done it in the first place!" "I NEVER would have done that!"
Anyone who talks to you that way has crossed a line. When you admit your faults and make amends, and they're too good to accept your apology, they're milking you for more than you owe. There is NOTHING more that they deserve OTHER than an apology and possible restitution. If that's their attitude, they are committing emotional extortion!
You did something wrong, don't think you're getting exonerated from that. However, if you've paid your debt for that misdeed, you are NOT entitled to disproportionate consequences. After you've finished paying for that mistake, and they refuse to accept your apology because they're just too good fat that, walk away from them. They are not worth your respect, your time, or your atonement.
Don't forget to comment, like, or follow!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Thoughts For A Rainy Sunday -- Control and Disposition of Anger
Hey Peeps --
Kept inside today for a rainy day. Gave me time to think a few things over.
(1) Anger Against Others.
I've talked a lot about improving self-esteem and cracking down on those who hurt it. But as we've all tended to realize, yet not always wanted to admit, the person most responsible for our self esteem is OURSELVES.
Staying angry at people who've wronged us may initially feel like a tool of empowerment. You can reinforce the fact that they did wrong and we did not, and that makes us feel like winners. But if the anger stays, the winning feeling doesn't. Instead, the anger eats away at you like a cancer, drains your energy, and leaves you feeling miserable and unlovable.
Trust me on this, I know. When people wronged me in the past, going back as far as junior high school, I'd hold onto that anger for years, sometimes even a decade or two. A name or a place would be just enough to trigger feelings of unfinished business and wrongs without consequences, and leave me in a funk I wouldn't wish on anyone. And I'd feel sorry for those within earshot once I started my rants about how horrible they were, and how bad they were, and they don't even deserve to live in a homeless shelter, etc., etc.
After I noticed that people who heard me do this would all, without fail, find ways to excuse themselves from the conversation, a relevation occurred: When you're that angry for that long a period of time, people stop being sympathetic. People stop caring. People stop giving a darn, because it's unbearable to listen to you. To use my sister's phrase, you've become a "desperado," who needs attention to continue being a victim, who just can't move on from whatever happened years before, and has stunted his own growth.
The secret I've learned was already in front of me, courtesy of my father's simple, almost Dao-ist wisdom. When I'd go on one of these rants at the dinner table, he would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "eat your dinner." At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up. He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested. Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly good enjoy the meal instead.
Yes, the past happened, and we're all stuck with it. But projecting it on others around you, who are actively engaged in the present moment, as you should be, does precious little to help things. If you still have such an axe to grind, get a journal and write it out. Or better yet, join "The Experience Project," or similar anonymous websites, and pour your heart out in a safe and comfortable environment. Schedule permitting, go for a run (like me), lift some weights at the gym, or hit the heavy bag for a while. If it's stuck in your system, then repair your own plumbing and remove it!
And once you're in that calm, chill, runner's high/euphoria state of mind, find a way to let it go. It's not affecting you consciously, it's not costing you money, and it's not your obligation to seek revenge against them. "Vengeance is Mine," saith the L-D . . . because He's A LOT BETTER AT IT THAN YOU, and it doesn't make Him a nervous wreck to make it happen! If what the gangsters or boneheads did to you them was as harmful and as treacherous as you feel it is, then good news -- they will, REPEAT WILL, get their well-deserved punishment when He thinks it's time, not when you do!!!
And what if you're angry at someone right now, whom you know very well? Not so easy to let things go, but easier to change the game you're playing. Get away from them for a while, do what I said in terms of getting it out of your system, and then deal with it calmly, the way my father reminded me to "eat my dinner." Without being confrontational, explain what it is that made you angry, and ask for something better. Chances are the other party may take advantage of your peaceful approach and start taking swipes and swings at you. Don't fall for it! They want to piss you off again, that's how they win! Stand firm, and explain that what they did or said was wrong to you, and that they will need to cease and desist.
(2) Anger Towards Yourself.
This is even worse. I can think of no better way to have a miserable life than to blame yourself for everything that happens, to continuously tell yourself that you're stupid and you just don't get it, and that you'll never be any good. I don't care if you're in jail or if you're behind on child support, NONE of that is TRUE! People can wag their tongues and diss you as much as they like, and you can just disregard it. But if YOU do it, you're pushing yourself off a bridge. You are the ONE person in the world who can NEVER talk trash about you!
Did you screw up? Make a mistake? Forget something? Lose something? Handle it this way:
Detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and research it as if it's data in an encyclopedia. Look over the facts and ask some questions: What did you do that could have been done better? What mistakes did you make? What flaws did you expose? Once you've answered them, then without giving yourself the V-8 forehead slap (because you just detached yourself from your feelings), reprogram yourself to NOT make those same mistakes AGAIN! Of course, that's not a guarantee that it will never happen again, but at least it will reduce the likelihood of reoccurrences.
If you can see what you've done wrong, and the aggrieved party is still open to discussion, apologize for it. Don't prostrate yourself on the floor, don't take a razor blade to your wrists, and don't flagellate yourself with a cilice -- the aggrieved party will either start disliking you even more, or start taking pleasure in the pain you're causing yourself. Just admit you're wrong, apologize, and move on. If they other person is mature enough, they'll accept your apology. And if they can't, then screw them. They're not royalty. You can't do more than apologize, so if that's not enough, let them stew in their own anger and rage.
Whether you stay angry at others for too long, or you stay angry at yourself for more than a day, you're creating a situation of permanent victimhood. Permanent victimhood means permanent childhood, because you'll never allow yourself to grow up if you stay angry. Find a way to grow up and keep moving to the next stop on the route.
The Four Pillars remind us that we Exist, we Matter, we Belong, and we Deserve, but they don't state that we're perfect or that we're blameless. They also don't say that the world is always evil and that we're always good. They say that we are unique as individuals and that we have a right to be in this world, and to receive the respect that comes with being here. Want to get that respect? Control the anger and dispose of it when it is no longer nececessary. Take responsibility for your wrongs, and move on.
And since it's almost 7PM on Sunday night, take my Dad's advice -- and eat your dinner! :)
PS --- in the past couple of days, I've sent a few text messages that didn't quite sound as cute as I thought they did. Internet/texting etiquette tells us that when someone responds to your message with the word "Nice," it doesn't mean "That was a nice thing to say, thank you," it means "I'll take that as a diss, you jerk." So to those people I offended, I apologize. I obviously didn't think clearly enough before I sent those messages, and I won't do that again.
THERE! Moving on . . . .
Kept inside today for a rainy day. Gave me time to think a few things over.
(1) Anger Against Others.
I've talked a lot about improving self-esteem and cracking down on those who hurt it. But as we've all tended to realize, yet not always wanted to admit, the person most responsible for our self esteem is OURSELVES.
Staying angry at people who've wronged us may initially feel like a tool of empowerment. You can reinforce the fact that they did wrong and we did not, and that makes us feel like winners. But if the anger stays, the winning feeling doesn't. Instead, the anger eats away at you like a cancer, drains your energy, and leaves you feeling miserable and unlovable.
Trust me on this, I know. When people wronged me in the past, going back as far as junior high school, I'd hold onto that anger for years, sometimes even a decade or two. A name or a place would be just enough to trigger feelings of unfinished business and wrongs without consequences, and leave me in a funk I wouldn't wish on anyone. And I'd feel sorry for those within earshot once I started my rants about how horrible they were, and how bad they were, and they don't even deserve to live in a homeless shelter, etc., etc.
After I noticed that people who heard me do this would all, without fail, find ways to excuse themselves from the conversation, a relevation occurred: When you're that angry for that long a period of time, people stop being sympathetic. People stop caring. People stop giving a darn, because it's unbearable to listen to you. To use my sister's phrase, you've become a "desperado," who needs attention to continue being a victim, who just can't move on from whatever happened years before, and has stunted his own growth.
The secret I've learned was already in front of me, courtesy of my father's simple, almost Dao-ist wisdom. When I'd go on one of these rants at the dinner table, he would patiently say, without the slightest trace of annoyance in his voice, "eat your dinner." At the time, I'd get belligerent when he said this, because I thought he was trying to shut me up. He certainly was, but he was trying to do it in a way that would teach me that the anger and rage I was feeling was not going to do me any good when a plate of my mother's cooking was sitting in front of me undigested. Right at that moment, at dinner time, I couldn't travel back in time and suckerpunch the miscreant who'd aroused my ire, but I certainly good enjoy the meal instead.
Yes, the past happened, and we're all stuck with it. But projecting it on others around you, who are actively engaged in the present moment, as you should be, does precious little to help things. If you still have such an axe to grind, get a journal and write it out. Or better yet, join "The Experience Project," or similar anonymous websites, and pour your heart out in a safe and comfortable environment. Schedule permitting, go for a run (like me), lift some weights at the gym, or hit the heavy bag for a while. If it's stuck in your system, then repair your own plumbing and remove it!
And once you're in that calm, chill, runner's high/euphoria state of mind, find a way to let it go. It's not affecting you consciously, it's not costing you money, and it's not your obligation to seek revenge against them. "Vengeance is Mine," saith the L-D . . . because He's A LOT BETTER AT IT THAN YOU, and it doesn't make Him a nervous wreck to make it happen! If what the gangsters or boneheads did to you them was as harmful and as treacherous as you feel it is, then good news -- they will, REPEAT WILL, get their well-deserved punishment when He thinks it's time, not when you do!!!
And what if you're angry at someone right now, whom you know very well? Not so easy to let things go, but easier to change the game you're playing. Get away from them for a while, do what I said in terms of getting it out of your system, and then deal with it calmly, the way my father reminded me to "eat my dinner." Without being confrontational, explain what it is that made you angry, and ask for something better. Chances are the other party may take advantage of your peaceful approach and start taking swipes and swings at you. Don't fall for it! They want to piss you off again, that's how they win! Stand firm, and explain that what they did or said was wrong to you, and that they will need to cease and desist.
(2) Anger Towards Yourself.
This is even worse. I can think of no better way to have a miserable life than to blame yourself for everything that happens, to continuously tell yourself that you're stupid and you just don't get it, and that you'll never be any good. I don't care if you're in jail or if you're behind on child support, NONE of that is TRUE! People can wag their tongues and diss you as much as they like, and you can just disregard it. But if YOU do it, you're pushing yourself off a bridge. You are the ONE person in the world who can NEVER talk trash about you!
Did you screw up? Make a mistake? Forget something? Lose something? Handle it this way:
Detach yourself emotionally from the situation, and research it as if it's data in an encyclopedia. Look over the facts and ask some questions: What did you do that could have been done better? What mistakes did you make? What flaws did you expose? Once you've answered them, then without giving yourself the V-8 forehead slap (because you just detached yourself from your feelings), reprogram yourself to NOT make those same mistakes AGAIN! Of course, that's not a guarantee that it will never happen again, but at least it will reduce the likelihood of reoccurrences.
If you can see what you've done wrong, and the aggrieved party is still open to discussion, apologize for it. Don't prostrate yourself on the floor, don't take a razor blade to your wrists, and don't flagellate yourself with a cilice -- the aggrieved party will either start disliking you even more, or start taking pleasure in the pain you're causing yourself. Just admit you're wrong, apologize, and move on. If they other person is mature enough, they'll accept your apology. And if they can't, then screw them. They're not royalty. You can't do more than apologize, so if that's not enough, let them stew in their own anger and rage.
Whether you stay angry at others for too long, or you stay angry at yourself for more than a day, you're creating a situation of permanent victimhood. Permanent victimhood means permanent childhood, because you'll never allow yourself to grow up if you stay angry. Find a way to grow up and keep moving to the next stop on the route.
The Four Pillars remind us that we Exist, we Matter, we Belong, and we Deserve, but they don't state that we're perfect or that we're blameless. They also don't say that the world is always evil and that we're always good. They say that we are unique as individuals and that we have a right to be in this world, and to receive the respect that comes with being here. Want to get that respect? Control the anger and dispose of it when it is no longer nececessary. Take responsibility for your wrongs, and move on.
And since it's almost 7PM on Sunday night, take my Dad's advice -- and eat your dinner! :)
PS --- in the past couple of days, I've sent a few text messages that didn't quite sound as cute as I thought they did. Internet/texting etiquette tells us that when someone responds to your message with the word "Nice," it doesn't mean "That was a nice thing to say, thank you," it means "I'll take that as a diss, you jerk." So to those people I offended, I apologize. I obviously didn't think clearly enough before I sent those messages, and I won't do that again.
THERE! Moving on . . . .
Sunday, August 7, 2011
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