Good Afternoon, All. Yours truly is watching the Jets play the Giants, as is done once every four years, and marveling how his team is actually playing pretty well today.
Tomorrow, we stop our usual routine to acknowledge our veterans. Unlike Memorial Day, which commemorates those who paid the ultimate price in military conflict on our nation's behalf, we have the advantage of actually showing gratitude to those veterans who made it home alive after their service. Given the background, this is probably the holiday that deserves barbecues and warm weather, and not the other one. However, history has used much different criteria for when, or if, to schedule national holidays.
For my own purposes, as the years have passed, this holiday has challenged me to examine some of my own beliefs. When I started this blog, I had a very unfavorable view of tough-guy types, also known as alpha males. Actually, that's an understatement - I went beyond having an unfavorable view of alpha males. Instead, I demonized them. I bashed them, maligned them, and made them seem less-than.
This approach seemed completely valid to me, even justified. Having experienced enough of these types behave less than respectfully to me, it seems completely natural to give them a "taste of their own medicine." There was unfinished business, and this seemed like the way to finish it. Ironically, this was done several years before the Gillette Corporation aired the "toxic masculinity" commercial. My name for it was actually somewhat harsher.
Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I have seen that a different tone and perspective is a better way of addressing those who harmed me, and all those like them.
(1) Yes, there really are alpholes. They do exist, and everything they do proves it.
(2) They aren't only male. There are also very many women who behave the same way, and benefit from a bubble of immunity and impunity.
(3) However, their mere existence does not affect us as much as previously thought.
(4) If they harm us enough physically, our society provides for criminal and civil remedies that provide penalties and compensation as consequences for such uncivilized behavior.
(5) However, if all they are doing is annoying us through words and tone, we can actually decide that we're not affected by it in the slightest, let alone triggered. Instead, the more disrespect and unpleasantness they produce, the more they will be receiving in return, until they decide for themselves to change their ways.
What I'm trying to say, given my discovery of ancient Stoicism, is that those who behave in ways we don't appreciate, or those whom we dislike, miss the Second of the Four Pillars: THEY EXIST, BUT THEY DO NOT MATTER. AND BY EXTENSION, THEY DO NOT BELONG IN OUR THOUGHTS, AND DO NOT DESERVE OUR ATTENTION.
This brings me back to Veterans' Day, and why this revelation is relevant to this holiday. Until recently, it has been mostly men who answered our nation's call to war for our country. Mostly men who fought the British at Valley Forge, fought on both sides of the Civil War, went to Europe to defeat the Nazis in World War II, endured losses in Vietnam, and defeated terrorism in the Middle East. It is nothing more than a slap in the face to our country's armed forces to assume that every tough guy is a force for evil. Our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard are anything but, and should never again be thought of that way. If anything, they exemplify the best that healthy masculinity can, and does, achieve.
Unlike the aforementioned miscreants, our Veterans EXIST, MATTER, BELONG, AND MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE. There is no otherwise.
So let this be my salute and my gratitude to all US Veterans. My comfort and safety is due in no small part to your training, tactics, and indefatigable courage.
I thank you all.
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
RESPECT ALL. BEFRIEND FEW. LOVE ONE. HATE NONE.
MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.
STOICISM. EMOTIONAL MATURITY. POINT OF EVAPORATION.
This blog is meant for the advancement, redemption, and self actualization of those who have not been taught how to properly manage their emotions, and have suffered due to this lack of information. While we in no way defend those who have harmed us, we also do not make ourselves triggered and manipulated by people and things we cannot control. Through the application of the Eight Pillars, we can move forward and become the strong, unflappable, respectable people we were meant to be.
Sunday, November 10, 2019
Saturday, October 5, 2019
Handling It
This week, in my religion, we have the 10 Days of Awe. This is a time of celestial auditing - our good deeds are balanced against our screwups, our victories are weighed against our mistakes, our efforts to give respect and mindfulness are balanced against our moments of uncontrolled aggression - and the consequences to our actions are set in motion.
It is thought that during this time, a few concentrated efforts and good deeds/thoughts/words might tip the scales back in our favor, and maybe neutralize pitfalls and tragedies that might otherwise be dumped on us.
Now this thought may come from one religion in particular, but I think it’s something that works for people of all faiths, and also for people of no faith.
(1) DID YOU SCREW UP? That’s a loaded question. Of course you screwed up, just like anyone else!
Just correct yourself. Own it, understand that you were wrong, and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.
(2) DID SOMEBODY ELSE SCREW UP ON YOU? Welcome to life. The rest of the world is imperfect, just like you are.
After you’ve made it clear that you didn’t appreciate it, maybe let it go. Once the deed is done and they’ve been made aware of what damage - real or perceived - was caused, don’t hang it over their heads. That’s called holding a grudge, and it’s an obstacle to growth. If they’ve stopped what they were doing (and possibly apologized), it’s not their fault anymore. But if you keep holding it against them, it becomes your fault. Don’t let this happen.
Either way you slice it, we can't control anyone else's conduct, ever. We may have some leeway if we are parents, teachers, bosses, or law enforcement officers. But even that has its limits, and anyone who attempts to exceed those limits is manipulating.
We most certainly can, however, control our own behavior. We're not enslaved by other people's opinions, and we're not designed to be triggered by other people's choices of words.
So if we can try that during these 10 Days, chances may or may not be likely that the consequences we face in the coming year might not be so onerous after all.
Saturday, April 20, 2019
20 Years After
Good Afternoon All - A Sweet Passover to my Jews, and an early Happy Easter to all Christians.
Despite the celebratory times of the holidays, it is also a somber anniversary. 20 years ago, two misguided and disturbed teenagers killed a large number of their high school classmates, and then did the same to themselves. At the time, it was the largest and most tragic school shooting in history.
Unfortunately, little has been learned since that horrible event. A generation later:
(1) The issue of Second Amendment vs. Gun Control remains at odds. And even more, and even worse school shootings have still occurred.
(2) The issue of bullying was inserted into the spotlight like never before. Every state in the union adopted anti-bullying programs. Schools are mandated to crack down on bullying behavior just as they do on racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Despite this, bullying still exists, and those victimized by it are sometimes driven to suicide.
(3) With the expansion of the online communications available in the 1990's to what we now call social media, the opportunity for hate and disrespect has evolved exponentially.
Social scientists and psychologists sometimes state that this it is human nature, due to the fight-or-flight response we have inherited from our pre-historic forbears, to be adversarial, to strive for dominance, and to gravitate towards conflict. They also sometimes compare this with behavior patterns of other species of the animal kingdom to justify their conclusions.
However, unlike our forbears and other species, human beings still also have the capacity to be kind, unflappable, and resilient in the face of adversity. To be respectful to others regardless of differences, to shrug off the baggage of grudges and resentment when the voyage has ended, and to seek common threads despite our differences.
Moreover, they also have the capacity to understand what is within their control and what is beyond it. The very existence of others of whom we are less than fond, and their successes they achieve despite that, is not within our control. Their presence in our homes, families, and immediate circles, however, most certainly is within our purview.
So what can we learn, before it becomes 50 years since this tragedy, that we have not already learned?
(1) We can accept that the rest of the world is not kind, respectful, understanding, warm, or even nice. And we can still be that way regardless, because we understand what's right and wrong on a level that they often don't.
(2) We can refuse to remain resentful or vengeful against those who have spoken ill about us or sought to make themselves look better than us. There's a Boss Lady known as OMLK who will call upon them to account for their misdeeds. While that's on Her docket, we can simply decide that we're no longer hurt or angry at them, and refuse to be continuously victimized.
(3) We can set boundaries against those in our circle who honestly expect to continue behavior that is disrespectful towards us with no consequences. And we can instead welcome people into our lives who are more interested in sharing and understanding than in insulting and judging.
Emotional Maturity. Point of Evaporation. Removal and Replacement.
If these are practiced more, most of the issues we have in this life will be rendered moot.
Let's honor the memory of the victims of that tragedy and make this a world where this is less likely to happen.
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
RESPECT ALL. BEFRIEND FEW. LOVE ONE. HATE NONE.
Despite the celebratory times of the holidays, it is also a somber anniversary. 20 years ago, two misguided and disturbed teenagers killed a large number of their high school classmates, and then did the same to themselves. At the time, it was the largest and most tragic school shooting in history.
Unfortunately, little has been learned since that horrible event. A generation later:
(1) The issue of Second Amendment vs. Gun Control remains at odds. And even more, and even worse school shootings have still occurred.
(2) The issue of bullying was inserted into the spotlight like never before. Every state in the union adopted anti-bullying programs. Schools are mandated to crack down on bullying behavior just as they do on racism, sexism, homophobia, etc. Despite this, bullying still exists, and those victimized by it are sometimes driven to suicide.
(3) With the expansion of the online communications available in the 1990's to what we now call social media, the opportunity for hate and disrespect has evolved exponentially.
Social scientists and psychologists sometimes state that this it is human nature, due to the fight-or-flight response we have inherited from our pre-historic forbears, to be adversarial, to strive for dominance, and to gravitate towards conflict. They also sometimes compare this with behavior patterns of other species of the animal kingdom to justify their conclusions.
However, unlike our forbears and other species, human beings still also have the capacity to be kind, unflappable, and resilient in the face of adversity. To be respectful to others regardless of differences, to shrug off the baggage of grudges and resentment when the voyage has ended, and to seek common threads despite our differences.
Moreover, they also have the capacity to understand what is within their control and what is beyond it. The very existence of others of whom we are less than fond, and their successes they achieve despite that, is not within our control. Their presence in our homes, families, and immediate circles, however, most certainly is within our purview.
So what can we learn, before it becomes 50 years since this tragedy, that we have not already learned?
(1) We can accept that the rest of the world is not kind, respectful, understanding, warm, or even nice. And we can still be that way regardless, because we understand what's right and wrong on a level that they often don't.
(2) We can refuse to remain resentful or vengeful against those who have spoken ill about us or sought to make themselves look better than us. There's a Boss Lady known as OMLK who will call upon them to account for their misdeeds. While that's on Her docket, we can simply decide that we're no longer hurt or angry at them, and refuse to be continuously victimized.
(3) We can set boundaries against those in our circle who honestly expect to continue behavior that is disrespectful towards us with no consequences. And we can instead welcome people into our lives who are more interested in sharing and understanding than in insulting and judging.
Emotional Maturity. Point of Evaporation. Removal and Replacement.
If these are practiced more, most of the issues we have in this life will be rendered moot.
Let's honor the memory of the victims of that tragedy and make this a world where this is less likely to happen.
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
RESPECT ALL. BEFRIEND FEW. LOVE ONE. HATE NONE.
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Hate in Christchurch, New Zealand
Good Evening All - Hope you all had a Happy St. Patty's Day Weekend!
The world has witnessed another tragic and violent episode, this time all the way down in New Zealand. An alleged terrorist and murderer, seemingly taking his cue from the Tree of Life Synagogue massacre in Squirrel Hill, Pennsylvania, took it upon himself to murder everyone present for Friday worship services at two mosques. After leaving a trail of carnage, prompted in no small part by hatred for Muslims, he was apprehended.
We have heard several predictable responses to this tragedy. I'll respond to all of them.
(1) It's the guns! No guns! Nobody needs a gun! It's the mosque worshippers fault, they should have had guns! Not the answer, either way. If that gun were in the hands of responsible folks, and not this murderer, he might have found another means of violence to use. And since this happened in another country, there is no Second Amendment issue. Let New Zealand address its own gun laws within its own authority.
(2) So what? They had it coming! Look what they do! Look how evil they are! They deserved it! Wrong again. These were human beings. They assembled to worship their god on their weekly holy day as they saw fit. That's not a reason to kill them. And unless they're about to do you, or that killer, imminent harm, or if you have real grounds for a pre-emptive strike, there is no excuse for that kind of violence.
(3) But what about these ones? But what about those ones? Why don't they get the same media coverage? What about them? Nobody says the mainstream media is perfect, but the most unusual events are the ones that trigger the most coverage. Let's not have competitions over who is a more deserving victim - that's where we really get into trouble.
THE STOIC ANSWER:
(A) We have people in this world who become consumed by hate. And we have weapons. And they unfortunately have ways of being brought together. The governments of countries where this happens can pass laws against the illegal use of these weapons, but they cannot outlaw people's thoughts and opinions, or their abilities to circumvent those laws, as horrible as they may be.
(B) We cannot stop fully-grown adults from hating other races or other religions, and the laws themselves cannot prevent them from taking up arms against the objects of their hate.
(C) Also, demonizing these people, as evil as they may be, does not make them turn into Ebenezer Scrooge and completely change their ways. It also doesn't make us look like heroes and champions - it makes us just as filled with the hatred that they have.
(D) We can, however, decide that we won't hate members of other races or religions. That doesn't mean wearing pins and T-shirts and joining candle-light vigils, and then forgetting about it all when things calm down. It also doesn't mean we'll expose, defame, and sling mud at people who have different opinions than we do in the name of "stamping out hate." It only means we won't hate, period.
(E) We can instead read, research, and learn about the ways of others. By way of illustration, when I was in seventh grade, I read books about the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, notwithstanding the fact that I was American and Jewish, because I wanted to understand them instead of merely demonizing them. Let's try the same thing for all perceived adversaries.
(F) As stated in (B), we can't re-program fully-grown adults who've been taught the wrong thing and have acted on them. We can, however, raise and teach our children to Respect All, and not to Hate Them (whomever Them might be).
And of course, last but not least, instead of seeking revenge or retribution, we can seek this invocation:
There's A Lady Named Karma. She's Not Attracted To Bad Boys And She's Not Friends With Mean Girls. Leave Vengeance To Her - She's Got Better Tools At Her Disposal.
With the assistance of the New Zealander justice system, the murderer will be prosecuted for his crimes, and will live with the deaths of his victims for the rest of his life. Do not target politicians and ideologues as the proxy for the punishment you think you're entitled to dish out to that murderer - you're not entitled to dish out anything (including eggs). Instead, look within to ensure that you yourself never take up arms out of hate, and that you teach any children you have to not do likewise.
Ooof - that was a heavy one - see what happens when you don't down that Guinness for St. Patty's? I'll salute the Irish, but I'll stand with New Zealand - they didn't deserve this.
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
RESPECT ALL. BEFRIEND FEW. LOVE ONE. HATE NONE.
EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
Please DM me with any lengthy or debate-ready comments.
The world has witnessed another tragic and violent episode, this time all the way down in New Zealand. An alleged terrorist and murderer, seemingly taking his cue from the Tree of Life Synagogue massacre in Squirrel Hill, Pennsylvania, took it upon himself to murder everyone present for Friday worship services at two mosques. After leaving a trail of carnage, prompted in no small part by hatred for Muslims, he was apprehended.
We have heard several predictable responses to this tragedy. I'll respond to all of them.
(1) It's the guns! No guns! Nobody needs a gun! It's the mosque worshippers fault, they should have had guns! Not the answer, either way. If that gun were in the hands of responsible folks, and not this murderer, he might have found another means of violence to use. And since this happened in another country, there is no Second Amendment issue. Let New Zealand address its own gun laws within its own authority.
(2) So what? They had it coming! Look what they do! Look how evil they are! They deserved it! Wrong again. These were human beings. They assembled to worship their god on their weekly holy day as they saw fit. That's not a reason to kill them. And unless they're about to do you, or that killer, imminent harm, or if you have real grounds for a pre-emptive strike, there is no excuse for that kind of violence.
(3) But what about these ones? But what about those ones? Why don't they get the same media coverage? What about them? Nobody says the mainstream media is perfect, but the most unusual events are the ones that trigger the most coverage. Let's not have competitions over who is a more deserving victim - that's where we really get into trouble.
THE STOIC ANSWER:
(A) We have people in this world who become consumed by hate. And we have weapons. And they unfortunately have ways of being brought together. The governments of countries where this happens can pass laws against the illegal use of these weapons, but they cannot outlaw people's thoughts and opinions, or their abilities to circumvent those laws, as horrible as they may be.
(B) We cannot stop fully-grown adults from hating other races or other religions, and the laws themselves cannot prevent them from taking up arms against the objects of their hate.
(C) Also, demonizing these people, as evil as they may be, does not make them turn into Ebenezer Scrooge and completely change their ways. It also doesn't make us look like heroes and champions - it makes us just as filled with the hatred that they have.
(D) We can, however, decide that we won't hate members of other races or religions. That doesn't mean wearing pins and T-shirts and joining candle-light vigils, and then forgetting about it all when things calm down. It also doesn't mean we'll expose, defame, and sling mud at people who have different opinions than we do in the name of "stamping out hate." It only means we won't hate, period.
(E) We can instead read, research, and learn about the ways of others. By way of illustration, when I was in seventh grade, I read books about the Soviet Union and Nazi Germany, notwithstanding the fact that I was American and Jewish, because I wanted to understand them instead of merely demonizing them. Let's try the same thing for all perceived adversaries.
(F) As stated in (B), we can't re-program fully-grown adults who've been taught the wrong thing and have acted on them. We can, however, raise and teach our children to Respect All, and not to Hate Them (whomever Them might be).
And of course, last but not least, instead of seeking revenge or retribution, we can seek this invocation:
There's A Lady Named Karma. She's Not Attracted To Bad Boys And She's Not Friends With Mean Girls. Leave Vengeance To Her - She's Got Better Tools At Her Disposal.
With the assistance of the New Zealander justice system, the murderer will be prosecuted for his crimes, and will live with the deaths of his victims for the rest of his life. Do not target politicians and ideologues as the proxy for the punishment you think you're entitled to dish out to that murderer - you're not entitled to dish out anything (including eggs). Instead, look within to ensure that you yourself never take up arms out of hate, and that you teach any children you have to not do likewise.
Ooof - that was a heavy one - see what happens when you don't down that Guinness for St. Patty's? I'll salute the Irish, but I'll stand with New Zealand - they didn't deserve this.
I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.
RESPECT ALL. BEFRIEND FEW. LOVE ONE. HATE NONE.
EMOTIONAL MATURITY.
Please DM me with any lengthy or debate-ready comments.
Sunday, January 20, 2019
Emotional Maturity IS The Best A Man Can Get!
Good Morning All, and welcome to the middle portion of Martin Luther King weekend.
There has been some controversy regarding a 90-second commercial produced by Gillette. It questions whether some of society's ills, which have often been perpetrated by men, truly are "the best a man can get," which plays off the company's earlier slogan from the 1990's.
The commercial shows what would be solutions to the problem: fathers stopping fights between their young children and teaching them that bullying is not the right way to treat people; men calling out their friends and associates to not act inappropriately around women, and basically reminding us that being a man does not mean the same thing it did in prehistoric times.
The vast overwhelming majority of men already know that rape is wrong, that women should not be spoken to disrespectfully, and (maybe the overwhelming majority doesn't want to admit this) bullying is also unacceptable, and any father who wants to earn respect has an obligation to teach his children not to behave that way.
This commercial has given yours truly cause for reflection.
(1) It's been a very long time since I used the term "alphole." I have made a conscious effort not to demonize "tough guys," macho types, or high-conflict individuals because everyone deserves respect, particularly those who are different from me. The fact that I personally don't like the way a person carries himself or herself doesn't invalidate them as human beings. I certainly can't take back the multiple times I've taken them to task - they're out there forever - but I can certainly chart my own evolution.
(2) However, there are still people who hurt others. And they often receive no consequences to speak of because they somehow always have a throng of enablers, followers, hangers-on, and fraaaaaaands who reinforce what they do. This ad brought back a reminder of that reality.
(3) If more men raised their children first to not bully those weaker than them, it would be a simple logical extension and expansion of this rule to treat women with more respect, those of other races and nationalities with more respect, and the entire balance of humanity with more respect as well. That would be an absolute good.
(4) Saying this does not demonize all men. We already know that most men are not predators and narcissists - despite the shocking percentage of them that actually are - therefore there is no need to be offended by this advertisement. Rather, this is an admonition and a wake-up call that the rest of humanity no longer wants to tolerate unwarranted aggression, plain and simple.
(5) And yes, of course, though we are not likely to see any commercials addressing this, there are women who are just as predatory, just as evil, just as vicious, and just as wrong as the worst men could be. This commercial might not bring it up, but this page certainly does not let them off the hook from the same exact behavior. We do not accept this behavior from men or women, and we don't permit either of them to use their gender for means of exoneration.
There is toxic masculinity, and there is no denying its existence. And there are women who are just as toxic as any male can be.
Let's put aside our need to condemn what this commercial says, and make an effort to understand why it's being said. And when we're finished doing that, let's raise the next generation with a better understanding of right and wrong. Once the desire to bully is eliminated, the need to "teach kids to fight" will disappear, and we just might have a more peaceful and less divisive world to live in.
I EXIST. RESPECT ALL.
I MATTER. BEFRIEND FEW.
I BELONG. LOVE ONE.
I DESERVE. HATE NONE.
MOTHER PROTECT US.
FATHER EMBOLDEN US.
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
There has been some controversy regarding a 90-second commercial produced by Gillette. It questions whether some of society's ills, which have often been perpetrated by men, truly are "the best a man can get," which plays off the company's earlier slogan from the 1990's.
The commercial shows what would be solutions to the problem: fathers stopping fights between their young children and teaching them that bullying is not the right way to treat people; men calling out their friends and associates to not act inappropriately around women, and basically reminding us that being a man does not mean the same thing it did in prehistoric times.
The vast overwhelming majority of men already know that rape is wrong, that women should not be spoken to disrespectfully, and (maybe the overwhelming majority doesn't want to admit this) bullying is also unacceptable, and any father who wants to earn respect has an obligation to teach his children not to behave that way.
This commercial has given yours truly cause for reflection.
(1) It's been a very long time since I used the term "alphole." I have made a conscious effort not to demonize "tough guys," macho types, or high-conflict individuals because everyone deserves respect, particularly those who are different from me. The fact that I personally don't like the way a person carries himself or herself doesn't invalidate them as human beings. I certainly can't take back the multiple times I've taken them to task - they're out there forever - but I can certainly chart my own evolution.
(2) However, there are still people who hurt others. And they often receive no consequences to speak of because they somehow always have a throng of enablers, followers, hangers-on, and fraaaaaaands who reinforce what they do. This ad brought back a reminder of that reality.
(3) If more men raised their children first to not bully those weaker than them, it would be a simple logical extension and expansion of this rule to treat women with more respect, those of other races and nationalities with more respect, and the entire balance of humanity with more respect as well. That would be an absolute good.
(4) Saying this does not demonize all men. We already know that most men are not predators and narcissists - despite the shocking percentage of them that actually are - therefore there is no need to be offended by this advertisement. Rather, this is an admonition and a wake-up call that the rest of humanity no longer wants to tolerate unwarranted aggression, plain and simple.
(5) And yes, of course, though we are not likely to see any commercials addressing this, there are women who are just as predatory, just as evil, just as vicious, and just as wrong as the worst men could be. This commercial might not bring it up, but this page certainly does not let them off the hook from the same exact behavior. We do not accept this behavior from men or women, and we don't permit either of them to use their gender for means of exoneration.
There is toxic masculinity, and there is no denying its existence. And there are women who are just as toxic as any male can be.
Let's put aside our need to condemn what this commercial says, and make an effort to understand why it's being said. And when we're finished doing that, let's raise the next generation with a better understanding of right and wrong. Once the desire to bully is eliminated, the need to "teach kids to fight" will disappear, and we just might have a more peaceful and less divisive world to live in.
I EXIST. RESPECT ALL.
I MATTER. BEFRIEND FEW.
I BELONG. LOVE ONE.
I DESERVE. HATE NONE.
MOTHER PROTECT US.
FATHER EMBOLDEN US.
EMOTIONAL MATURITY
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)