A Two-Way Street

Good Afternoon and Good Evening All - Hope you're enjoying this lovely weather on a Sunday afternoon in May!

As with most things, this COVID-19 pandemic, and the multiple governmental and administrative responses to it, have generated arguments and disputes.  I've certainly got my own opinion on this subject, but I'm also aware of what the likely responses that Stoicism and Emotional Maturity would provide.

(1)  We Shouldn't Have to Socially Distance or Stay-At-Home.

True.

It sucks.  It's unnatural.  It's uncomfortable.  It's frustrating.  It's leading many businesses towards ruin, and it's depleting the funds available for unemployment and other business relief.  Nobody is arguing that this is all a good thing.

Nonetheless, when statewide and/or national emergencies happen, the power of the proper authorities are temporarily extended and increased in ways that unfortunately look like totalitarian police states.  We didn't cause the problem, we didn't make the problem worse, and we don't deserve the punishment.  But much like the times our parents, or a school administrator, or a boss made a bunch of stupid rules that everyone with half a brain hated, we'll just have to temporarily toe the line for a temporary measure.

We have the right to free speech, under the First Amendment, to tell the world loud and long how much it sucks, and not care who knows it.  However, the fact that we have the right to do it doesn't necessarily make it the smart thing to do, let alone the best thing.

Yes, I know, the Government and the State are not our parents or our bosses.  They still have the power to enact and execute laws that they deem fit for the protection of society at large, and we don't.

Having accepted the truth that we lack authority in this area, as much as we despise it, we must acknowledge that we simply aren't helping anyone by complaining about things we cannot control.  We're just continuing a cycle of frustration that gets worse and worse through no other cause but our own.  As the ancients taught us, it is not things, but our reactions to things that cause us anger and grief.

Accept What Is, and Cannot Be Otherwise, and Live With It.  If that means moving around less, wearing a goofy mask, and staying 6-12 feet away from other people (which some of us were already doing before this all happened), then just do it.  It could be better, but it could also be hella lot worse.

(2)  If I'm Social Distancing, So Should They!

This is where we can get into even more trouble.

Nobody likes it when we commit ourselves the aforementioned stupid rules, and there's always someone who thinks the rules don't apply to him or her.  That's even more annoying, aggravating assinine, and undesirable than these rules themselves.

However, other people's behavior, much like the actions of governmental officials that we're not ok with, remains far beyond our control.  It was Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus themselves who reminded us that we need not be triggered, outraged, or infuriated by how "them other suckers don't know how to act," because it's not they themselves who are causing this outrage.  It's still us.

If you're angered by other people's decision not to toe the line and wear a mask, that's not really their problem.  As long as you're doing so, you shouldn't be concerned about any exposure to COVID-19.  You also shouldn't be concerned about how their conduct should affect you (because it shouldn't).

Use This Time To Our Advantage:

This is less a time for pandemonium and paranoia than it is an opportunity to grow and become strengthened by adversity. 

Perhaps, instead of complaining about that which we know to be unpleasant, illogical, and sometimes painful, we might be better off trudging through it, knowing full well that it will end, and that we will survive it, hopefully better off than before.

"THIS TOO SHALL PASS."

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

STOICISM.  EMOTIONAL MATURITY.  POINT OF EVAPORATION.

Cleaning House, Keeping Distance

Good Afternoon All, and Happy Easter and Passover to those who celebrate.

As previously discussed, this COVID-19 pandemic forces us, in no uncertain terms, to accept conditions beyond our control.  Some of these conditions include executive orders and government actions that would otherwise be unconstitutional, or even unthinkable.  Others include the presence of a disease that is incredibly contagious and horrifyingly real.  Nevertheless, here they are.

However, this is also a chance to take better stock of things that we actually can control.  Such as the condition of our living space, now that we're spending so much extra time here.  It's also a chance to delve inward for a little bit of self-discovery that can't be addressed in normal times.

Nothing can stop you from endless hours of scrolling and binging.  However, it could be slightly more constructive to just be.  Meditate.  Maybe pray.  Some stretching and yoga might be helpful too.  And while you're at it, maybe try cooking (after learning, if you don't already know how) more nutritious cuisine, since fine dining is no longer an option.

But most importantly, while we have this hiatus from direct social interactions, we may want to use this time to revise and revamp the manner in which we deal with people.  To decide that we can control our irritation and dislike of others' personality limitations.  To control and refine the manner in which we address (or better yet, not address) things we don't appreciate.  To prepare ourselves for what reality and experience show us will almost certainly occur once the pandemic has ended.

Let's think constructively and live wisely.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

Beyond Our Control, Within Our Control

Good Afternoon, Friends and Neighbors.  Hope you're all safe and healthy!

Now that the response to the Coronavirus has gone nationwide, chances are better than average that you're homebound and locked down, just like yours truly. 

Some say, what an inconvenience, we're being manipulated, we're stuck!

They're not wrong.  However, this can still be used as opportunities rather than excuses.

(1)  That Great American Novel burning inside of you?  Perfect time to write it!

(2)  That "around to it" pile you save for a rainy day that never comes?  Well even if it's not raining, that rainy day is now here!

(3)  Missed out on groceries and laundry last week?  Not this week ya didn't!

(4)  Not spending enough quality time with your loved ones?  That's now been remedied.

And best of all, your "exposure" to people who aren't good to you, or even respectful to you, has now been fortuitously halted.  From where I'm sitting, that's a luxury that we should never ask for, but also should never squander once it's presented!

Now is the perfect opportunity to build yourself back up for when this crisis ends, and discipline yourself to never be triggered by their shoddy behavior.  It's the perfect chance to redirect your thinking, reprogram your habits, and prepare yourself for the next inevitable encounter with people who behave in ways you don't appreciate.

My Stoics?  Time to delve back into the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius and the Enchiridon.  Time to further strengthen our Emotional Maturity.  And for all other stale and unresolved issues, time to accelerate and radiate them to reach the Point of Evaporation.

Even more importantly, we can recognize the actual health risks recognized by science, and do right by them:  social distancing, not staying out longer than needed, not going into the office, etc.  We can't control how this disease is spreading, or the new laws being passed in response to it.  But we most certainly can control the manner in which we respond to these conditions.

My gut tells me that the reactionary hysteria and prohibitive measures put in place will be not only temporary, but of shorter duration than anticipated.  Let's try to help make that happen.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

Feel free to like, comment, retweet, and follow, and together let's share how we're handling this event!

New Year, New Name

Good Evening All.  Hope you enjoyed New Year's 2020!

Now that we've begun a year that implies unimpaired and tainted vision, this little writing space of mine will be doing likewise.

(1)  We still have the original Four Pillars, but we've expanded them to Eight.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

This means that we have a duty to love and respect ourselves, that we have a place in this world that's all our own, and that by staying virtuous and avoiding vices (as much as possible with imperfections acknowledged), we earn the same respect as anyone else.  As set forth in the other Pillars,

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

This means that we pay forward the respect we'd like others to grant us.  That being said, we also grant friendship to a select few, because not everyone can be our friends.  We also get even more selective with whom we love, ideally a spouse or partner.  But regardless of how low or how high our opinions of other people might be, and even if they actually do deserve our scorn, judgment, and righteous anger, we simply do not hate them.

(2)  We acknowledge that there are aggressive, obnoxious, narcissistic, bullying, violent, and unfriendly people in this world.  However, we know that pointing fingers at them and reminding them of their failings will never convince them to change their ways.  Instead, as unfair as it may seem, it is actually our obligation to prevent ourselves from becoming triggered, offended, incensed, or driven to violence.  Instead, we advocate healthy boundaries against those who engage in such shoddy behavior, while being mindful and self-aware enough to not adopt that same shoddy behavior.

WE CAN ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE BECAUSE WE CANNOT CONTROL THEM.  WE CAN ALSO REJECT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE BECAUSE THEY CANNOT CONTROL US.

(3)  More than anything, we promote the practices of mindfulness, Stoicism, and self-healing in response to bullying and harassment.

We do not condone violence of any sort.  For those who will see opportunities for debate when these posts are read, please be advised that we have already heard, and addressed, every counter-argument that could possibly raised on this issue.  We recommend measuring twice and posting once, with that admonition in mind.

Instead, we promote the regulation, control, and discipline of our emotions, regardless of how shoddily "they" behave.  We also promote the evaporation of our feelings that arise from prior harms and slights, real and perceived.  That means we do not believe in holding grudges.

Feel free to like, follow, and comment.  More to follow!

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

Revision and Evolution

Good Afternoon, All.  Yours truly is watching the Jets play the Giants, as is done once every four years, and marveling how his team is actually playing pretty well today.

Tomorrow, we stop our usual routine to acknowledge our veterans.  Unlike Memorial Day, which commemorates those who paid the ultimate price in military conflict on our nation's behalf, we have the advantage of actually showing gratitude to those veterans who made it home alive after their service.  Given the background, this is probably the holiday that deserves barbecues and warm weather, and not the other one.  However, history has used much different criteria for when, or if, to schedule national holidays.

For my own purposes, as the years have passed, this holiday has challenged me to examine some of my own beliefs.  When I started this blog, I had a very unfavorable view of tough-guy types, also known as alpha males.  Actually, that's an understatement - I went beyond having an unfavorable view of alpha males.  Instead, I demonized them.  I bashed them, maligned them, and made them seem less-than. 

This approach seemed completely valid to me, even justified.  Having experienced enough of these types behave less than respectfully to me, it seems completely natural to give them a "taste of their own medicine."  There was unfinished business, and this seemed like the way to finish it.  Ironically, this was done several years before the Gillette Corporation aired the "toxic masculinity" commercial.  My name for it was actually somewhat harsher.

Now, with the benefit of hindsight, I have seen that a different tone and perspective is a better way of addressing those who harmed me, and all those like them.

(1)  Yes, there really are alpholes.  They do exist, and everything they do proves it. 
(2)  They aren't only male.  There are also very many women who behave the same way, and benefit from a bubble of immunity and impunity.
(3)  However, their mere existence does not affect us as much as previously thought.
(4)  If they harm us enough physically, our society provides for criminal and civil remedies that provide penalties and compensation as consequences for such uncivilized behavior.
(5)  However, if all they are doing is annoying us through words and tone, we can actually decide that we're not affected by it in the slightest, let alone triggered.  Instead, the more disrespect and unpleasantness they produce, the more they will be receiving in return, until they decide for themselves to change their ways.

What I'm trying to say, given my discovery of ancient Stoicism, is that those who behave in ways we don't appreciate, or those whom we dislike, miss the Second of the Four Pillars:  THEY EXIST, BUT THEY DO NOT MATTER.  AND BY EXTENSION, THEY DO NOT BELONG IN OUR THOUGHTS, AND DO NOT DESERVE OUR ATTENTION.

This brings me back to Veterans' Day, and why this revelation is relevant to this holiday.  Until recently, it has been mostly men who answered our nation's call to war for our country.  Mostly men who fought the British at Valley Forge, fought on both sides of the Civil War, went to Europe to defeat the Nazis in World War II, endured losses in Vietnam, and defeated terrorism in the Middle East.  It is nothing more than a slap in the face to our country's armed forces to assume that every tough guy is a force for evil.  Our Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, and Coast Guard are anything but, and should never again be thought of that way.  If anything, they exemplify the best that healthy masculinity can, and does, achieve.

Unlike the aforementioned miscreants, our Veterans EXIST, MATTER, BELONG, AND MOST DEFINITELY DESERVE.  There is no otherwise.

So let this be my salute and my gratitude to all US Veterans.  My comfort and safety is due in no small part to your training, tactics, and indefatigable courage. 

I thank you all.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

STOICISM.  EMOTIONAL MATURITY.  POINT OF EVAPORATION.

Handling It

This week, in my religion, we have the 10 Days of Awe.  This is a time of celestial auditing - our good deeds are balanced against our screwups, our victories are weighed against our mistakes, our efforts to give respect and mindfulness are balanced against our moments of uncontrolled aggression - and the consequences to our actions are set in motion.

It is thought that during this time, a few concentrated efforts and good deeds/thoughts/words might tip the scales back in our favor, and maybe neutralize pitfalls and tragedies that might otherwise be dumped on us.

Now this thought may come from one religion in particular, but I think it’s something that works for people of all faiths, and also for people of no faith.

(1)  DID YOU SCREW UP?  That’s a loaded question.  Of course you screwed up, just like anyone else!

Just correct yourself.  Own it, understand that you were wrong, and figure out how to prevent it from happening again.

(2)  DID SOMEBODY ELSE SCREW UP ON YOU?  Welcome to life.  The rest of the world is imperfect, just like you are.

After you’ve made it clear that you didn’t appreciate it, maybe let it go.  Once the deed is done and they’ve been made aware of what damage - real or perceived - was caused, don’t hang it over their heads.  That’s called holding a grudge, and it’s an obstacle to growth.  If they’ve stopped what they were doing (and possibly apologized), it’s not their fault anymore.  But if you keep holding it against them, it becomes your fault.  Don’t let this happen.

Either way you slice it, we can't control anyone else's conduct, ever.  We may have some leeway if we are parents, teachers, bosses, or law enforcement officers.  But even that has its limits, and anyone who attempts to exceed those limits is manipulating.

We most certainly can, however, control our own behavior.  We're not enslaved by other people's opinions, and we're not designed to be triggered by other people's choices of words.

So if we can try that during these 10 Days, chances may or may not be likely that the consequences we face in the coming year might not be so onerous after all.

20 Years After

Good Afternoon All - A Sweet Passover to my Jews, and an early Happy Easter to all Christians.

Despite the celebratory times of the holidays, it is also a somber anniversary.  20 years ago, two misguided and disturbed teenagers killed a large number of their high school classmates, and then did the same to themselves.  At the time, it was the largest and most tragic school shooting in history.

Unfortunately, little has been learned since that horrible event.  A generation later:

(1)  The issue of Second Amendment vs. Gun Control remains at odds.  And even more, and even worse school shootings have still occurred.

(2)  The issue of bullying was inserted into the spotlight like never before.  Every state in the union adopted anti-bullying programs.  Schools are mandated to crack down on bullying behavior just as they do on racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.  Despite this, bullying still exists, and those victimized by it are sometimes driven to suicide.

(3)  With the expansion of the online communications available in the 1990's to what we now call social media, the opportunity for hate and disrespect has evolved exponentially.

Social scientists and psychologists sometimes state that this it is human nature, due to the fight-or-flight response we have inherited from our pre-historic forbears, to be adversarial, to strive for dominance, and to gravitate towards conflict.  They also sometimes compare this with behavior patterns of other species of the animal kingdom to justify their conclusions.

However, unlike our forbears and other species, human beings still also have the capacity to be kind, unflappable, and resilient in the face of adversity.  To be respectful to others regardless of differences, to shrug off the baggage of grudges and resentment when the voyage has ended, and to seek common threads despite our differences.

Moreover, they also have the capacity to understand what is within their control and what is beyond it.  The very existence of others of whom we are less than fond, and their successes they achieve despite that, is not within our control.  Their presence in our homes, families, and immediate circles, however, most certainly is within our purview.

So what can we learn, before it becomes 50 years since this tragedy, that we have not already learned?

(1)  We can accept that the rest of the world is not kind, respectful, understanding, warm, or even nice.  And we can still be that way regardless, because we understand what's right and wrong on a level that they often don't.

(2)  We can refuse to remain resentful or vengeful against those who have spoken ill about us or sought to make themselves look better than us.  There's a Boss Lady known as OMLK who will call upon them to account for their misdeeds.  While that's on Her docket, we can simply decide that we're no longer hurt or angry at them, and refuse to be continuously victimized.

(3)  We can set boundaries against those in our circle who honestly expect to continue behavior that is disrespectful towards us with no consequences.  And we can instead welcome people into our lives who are more interested in sharing and understanding than in insulting and judging. 

Emotional Maturity.  Point of Evaporation.  Removal and Replacement.

If these are practiced more, most of the issues we have in this life will be rendered moot.

Let's honor the memory of the victims of that tragedy and make this a world where this is less likely to happen.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.