Welcome Back, Dolores!

The Intervention

Hey All --

This week, time to re-visit the issue of enabling, and how to counteract it. 

In the past I've spoken about how bullying persists in schools, offices, and families -- NOT JUST because there are victims, and NOT JUST because someone "asks for it."  The one thing a bully needs to survive is an enabler.  Someone who knows that the conduct is wrong, someone who has the power to curtail it, someone who could respond to the behavior with consequences, but doesn't.   Maybe because they're scared, maybe because they're not sure what to do, maybe because they just "shrug it off" or "tune it out" or "turn the other cheek."  Regardless of why it's happening, it's FEEDING the bullying, not "ignoring" it.

Some time ago, I blogged about a memory from college.  I was a member of a certain organization, which shall go nameless, that allowed a bully to control and manipulate its internal structure.  This individual was given carte blanche to slander, demean, belittle, defame, and insult all those who were not followers or cronies with immunity and impunity.  Until one day the good people of this organization said "That's Enough!"  They were ready to expel this individual with prejudice.

A meeting was held regarding this individual's behavior and the organization's feelings about it.  For the first time in this young person's life, which was not much more than 21 years, unflinching honest feedback was given to the abusive and self-centered behavior that had been left unchecked for too long.  This person exhibited eye rolling and contempt towards this criticism, questioned how this behavior should be relevant "after all I've done," and argued that the fact that "my personality is not pleasant" should continue being disregarded.  When confronted with one particularly egregious and inappropriate comment this person made, this person actually giggled at the sound of their own words, and protested that "I wasn't talking to you when I said that."

However, unlike the prior encounters that this person was accustomed to winning without a fight, every protest was met with even more evidence of the unacceptable behavior.  Pooh-poohing it didn't work this time.  Little by little, this person realized that numbers and volume were leading to defeat, and that none of the enablers and cronies were able to continue their defense.  Finally, without admitting guilt or responsibility (it would've taken waterboarding for that to happen), this person begrudgingly conceded that the behavior was "not fair" to the non-cronies, and that this person would "try" to change the behavior.

It was not an overnight success, and this person did not spend the rest of college wearing a halo and wings.  However, this intervention did result in a marked improvement in the behavior.  With the realization that the behavior was no longer funny, cute, or tolerable, it occurred less frequently.

This tool should be just as effective for bullying as it is to stop a pattern of drug and alcohol abuse.  Get yourself a good-sized group of trust friends and families, sit our misguided friend in a chair, lock the door, and don't let up until he or she gets the message that it's not OK.  Being outnumbered, outgunned, disproven, and exposed can have an obvious effect even on the most brazen, hardened, loudmouthed, spoiled, and unabashed bully or miscreant!  In ideal circumstances, children are taught to shed this behavior early on without the need for an intervention, but sometimes it just "skips."

So, without being a surrogate parent or teacher, if there's someone in your life who just doesn't get it, see that they do!

Comments Welcome!

An Olympic Message for my Godson. :)

The Olympic Ideal

The Olympics are well under way, and medals have already been awarded.  Looks like these Games will be remembered favorably.

This would be a fine opportunity to remember the words of Baron Pierre de Coubertin, the founder of the IOC and of the modern Olympic Games.  He is quoted as saying:

"The important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle, the essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."

Given how advanced each athlete must be at their chosen event, it's obvious that every Olympic athlete would have had to earn several triumphs in order to compete to begin with.  Nevertheless, the Baron's philosophy still holds water. 

Too many people think that winning is all that matters, and nothing less is acceptable.  To adopt this as your reality means you have committed yourself to the self-fulfilling failure known as perfectionism, which is a complete fallacy.  Winning is obviously the goal of every game, sport, endeavor or venture that is undertaken.  But that doesn't mean that you can never lose, and it doesn't mean that losing is a failure in and of itself.

The Baron didn't say this directly, but since he was an educator, I think he may have been implying that to lose is to learn a lesson.  It is only from failures and setbacks that we learn about ourselves. Good judgment comes from experience, and experience must follow from bad judgment. Also, to know that you've given everything you could give towards your goal is already a victory, even without the prize being awarded.

Maybe he was also implying that even when you perform your best, your opponent might still know something you don't, may still be a little faster or stronger than you, or maybe just wants it a little bit more than you do.  Given that, there's a chance that your opponent might win and you might lose, but that doesn't mean you give up the ship so soon.  You still play as hard as you can, and go for a win anyway.  Even if you come away with the silver medal, even the winner gets all the "spoils," and even if the crowd forgets your name as soon as they leave the arena, you still know deep down that you've won anyway. 

The quote, "winning isn't everything, it's the only thing" was incorrectly attributed to Vince Lombardi, Hall of Fame football coach.  This was later found to be incorrect because Lombardi did not want his players to rely upon opponents' mistakes to coast their way to "ugly wins."  He actually told his players that nobody can achieve perfection, but "when we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."  This means that you prepare the best way you can, train as hard as you can, and envision yourself winning, even if you might not. 

Record books and historians are not kind to those who don't win, but you still can be.  Maybe there's a game that you've played recently that did not result in the victory you wanted.  Maybe there's a prize you wanted that went to someone else.  Or maybe there was something that you wanted so bad that you did everything to get it, and you still failed somehow.  Forget that result, and congratulate yourself on what you did to try to achieve it.  You did everything in your power to get it, and it simply wasn't meant to be. 

Don't post-mortem.  Don't second-guess.  And PLEASE do not beat yourself up no matter how bad you feel!  That was your opponent's job, and they've finished doing it.  They won a prize for it, but  you won't!  Why add to their work at your own expense?

So even though we all want Team USA to win gold in just about everything, they won't.  And even if some of our athletes are not on the highest rung of the medal stand, remember their efforts anyway.  The fact that they competed for our country to begin with already makes them winners.  And don't forget those athletes from other nations who complete against Team USA -- they might not all be NBA All-Stars, but they've made it their central goal to win anyway.  Respect that.

Enjoy the Games, peeps.  Comments welcome.

The Munich 11

This summer will be 40 years since the 1972 Israeli Olympic Team was massacred at the hands of Palestinian terrorists in Munich.  While the world stood by, seemingly helpless, an entire national team was wiped out for the sake of a misguided message.

Today, the President of the IOC hosted a ceremony at London's Olympic Village, in which a moment of silence was observed in honor of the murdered athletes.  This may or may not have been a concession to public pressure after he refused to allow for such an acknowledgment during the Games' Opening Ceremonies next week.

The fact that this anniversary would not be acknowledged in "prime time" speaks volumes about the world's attitude about Israel.  Apparently, the governing body of this event is cowed at the prospect of "offending" several other countries who continue to have issues with Israel, notwithstanding what those athletes endured.  The fact that it could have been any other country that suffered the same fate at any time is apparently lost on the IOC, because Israel has never really been thought of as any other country.

So if Mr. Rogge won't stand up and do the right thing for all to see and hear, I'll just have to do it instead.

I'll acknowledge the fact that in 1972, 11 young men and women sought to honor their country by developing their bodies to perform great feats of strength and speed, and not to be tossed from an apartment window in order to meet the demands of a group of murderers.

I'll acknowledge the fact that one country has always been forced to militarize its entire citizenry, despite the fact that it is the Holy Land, merely for the sake of its survival.  Its attempt to join the international community as an equal nation was met with disaster, because the world chose not to accept it as an equal nation.

I'll acknowledge the fact that since that time, Israel has returned to the Olympics, brave as always, and that its athletes have earned medals for their performances.

And I will also acknowledge the fact that Israel has more than earned the right to be respected as an equal nation, at the very least at the Olympic Games, and should receive more than mere lip service from a committee that is so easily pressured.

In the interests of disclosure, in case you haven't already learned from my prior postings, I am Jewish, I am Zionist, and I am proud.  It's not my style to blame discrimination, real or perceived, for any disadvantages, or to use it as a crutch or an excuse.  However, if it looks like discrimination, sounds like discrimination, and smells like discrimination, you have to form a conclusion.  I dare the IOC to say that they would refuse a moment of silence if the athletes murdered by terrorists had been Belgian, Bolivian, Okinawan, or any other nationality. 

Feel free to comment, whether you agree or disagree -- provided you choose your words wisely.

A Comics Hate Crime in Colorado

Super Heroes

This past weekend, a midnight premier of "The Dark Night Rises," the final chapter in the current Batman franchise, was disrupted when a gunman armed with an arsenal of automatic and/or semi-automatic weapons allegedly killed 12 people and injured 38 people in a theater in Aurora, Colorado. We're all stunned, shocked, and angry at what has happened, because it's horrible on so many levels.

On the political front, the gun control debate will now be out of control.  The NRA and its supporters will remind us that guns do not kill, people do, and the gun control advocates will demand investigations as to how James Holes obtained his entire arsenal legally.

What infuriates me is the circumstances under which this mass murder occurred -- while innocent movie-goers were about to watch a movie about a comics super hero.  A super hero who would have wiped the floor with James Holmes if some bored writer had decided to insert a character like him into the comics.  That alone makes this mass murder almost as disgusting and contemptible as bombing a house of worship during services.

We fantasize about super heroes because they can do what we can't.  A dark and brooding billionaire, forever mourning the loss of his parents, can invest in weapons that the defense department can't afford, invent an alter-ego for himself, and spend his nights putting life and limb at risk to put the fear of G-D into all criminals.  The rest of us are far more limited.

(to my Marvel-reading friends, he and Iron Man are kindred spirits in that neither hero has any powers, but they both have unreal weapons and gadgets, but I just can't take Tony Stark seriously -- especially not the way Robert Downey Jr. plays him as a major league -----le.  But I digress.)

I can think of no greater desecration or than executing such a carefully premeditated plan to kill people who actually wanted to escape reality for a while and imagine that there really was a Batman.  To suspend reality temporarily, and watch a story about a larger-than-life figure with no fear, few weaknesses, and an obsession with bringing criminals to justice.  When Mr. Holmes allegedly caused the deaths of his victims, which included young children, he not only violated their lives.  He also violated the imagination of comic book fans and movie-goers everywhere, and mocked our desire to simply go out and be entertained.

Now people are reconsidering whether movie theaters are safe places to be.  Just like any other terrorist, this miscreant has frightened us back into our homes for his own twisted reasons, and robbed us of part of our freedom.  If I had my druthers, I'd hire a UFC fighter to dress as Batman and and give this fool a beatdown!

However, as I've said in prior posts, we don't live in a comic book.   We do not live in a world of vigilante justice.  We live in a civilized society with laws.  Thank G-D this wanna-be Joker was apprehended within minutes of his departure from the theater.  Thank G-D law enforcement was able to disengage the many bombs and booby traps he set in his apartment, which could have caused even more death and destruction.  And thank G-D we have a justice system which will resolve this matter properly.  I wouldn't call any of them super heroes, but without Batman himself, they're the closest thing we have.

So my thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims of this massacre, and with the survivors as well.  I can only hope that we can move on from this as from any other disaster -- stronger and wiser -- and that this loser learns that being a super-villaim is less glamorous than he may have assumed.  Most importantly, may we keep believing in super heroes -- real-life villains can only win if we stop believing.