The Next Level?

 Happy Sunday Afternoon, Friends and Neighbors.

Those of you have followed this blog through the years, and patiently waited through the lulls and gaps, know that my cause celebre is dealing with those who are unkind to us, developing a thicker skin (more like Armored Heart) when their presence is unavoidable, and simply getting the eff rid of them when the possibility of doing so is available.

I don't know about you, but I am actually reaching the point where the message has become slightly redundant.  Mostly because, on the personal end of things, it's kind of already happened.  Anyone that I was able to dismiss is long gone, and anyone that I've kinda had to tolerate, I've put on a clinic in grey-rocking.  Honestly, while the subject of bullying and narcissism is clearly eternal, I'm beginning to feel a little bit like the Japanese soldier who stayed in the jungle for 30 years because he honestly thought the war wasn't really over.

In all honesty, I haven't been making enough time for those who actually have been good to me, and that needs to change.  However, that's my issue, to be dealt with.

That being said, the question remains:  What's on the other side?  What's the next level like?  How is the climb up from this part of the mountain?

Or in other words, how do we address life once we get over other people who weren't good to us, and start being good to ourselves?

That's a question I'm kind of figuring out myself too, but here are some suggestions I've picked up along the way.

(1)  Continue Mastering Your Thoughts.  You don't think about "them" anymore, so what's to be thought of instead?

    (A)  Meditate.  You don't need to have constant, non-stop, never-ending stimulation.  If there's nothing in front of you to do right now, then use that nothing constrictively.  Just be, just breathe, just observe.  Add some mantras on top of that if you choose, but don't be ashamed of just doing nothing for a short time every day.

    (B)  Review.  Check your living space.  Check your finances.  Check your social schedule.  Like what you see?  Good.  If not, go back to the well and change things up a tad.  Throw away the stuff you don't need, and fix up the stuff you do.  

(2)  Continue Owning Your Actions.  Thinking the right thoughts is good, but transforming them into actions is better.

    (A)  Keep Advancing.  One of my most vocal (former) critics asked me years ago, "Are you saying people should be happy with who they are, or are you saying that they should improve?"  I answered, "Both."  And I still mean it.  Get even better than that, every single day, even if by only a little bit.  tell yourself to run a little faster, lift a little heavier, smile a little a wider, earn a little more wealth, etc., etc.  Maybe relax one day a week as needed, but keep climbing up anyway.

    (B)  Be Real.  If you're wrong about something, learn a lesson.  If you're right, congratulate yourself on being right once.  If you don't know, ask.  If you do know, act on that knowledge.  If they're good to you, be good in return.  If they're not good to you, be polite, but unaffected.

(3)  Plan and Graph The Future.

   (A)  Decide Your Goals.  Choose what you want to happen and plan how to make it happen.  This is doing your homework, making choices that require effort, and refusing to lose sight of the goal.

   (B)  Choose Your Influences Wisely.  We have spent years reminding ourselves that if people are criticizing you just because they dislike you, don't take you seriously, and don't want to hear anything you have to say, their opinions are not valid.  We got the point of that.  However, chances are better than average that you still need constructive criticism, and that if you disengage your ego when it's being presented, you may actually be receiving some much-needed help.  If it's coming from people who actually want you to succeed, and not fail, it costs nothing to listen.

   (C)  Tune Out The Distractions:  Harder to do in this day and age, when we're tethered to our devices for better or for worse.  But if what you're seeing and hearing from your devices is drawing you offsides, or taking your eye off the ball, then you'll need to stop seeing and hearing them until they lose their influence over you.  You make the rules, they don't.

Should you find your mind wandering back to the aging relics that left scars, try to remember this:  

   i.    You were presented with that experience as a blueprint of who not to be, and not as an excuse to behave the same way they did.  

   ii.   Also, if you were never presented with obstacles, losses, rejections, and insults, you would have been just as spoiled and narcissistic as they are.  Leave them behind, overcome the residuals, and keep moving.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

Choose Your Words Wisely

 Happy Halloween, All!

I find that the amount of anger, resentment, and moral righteousness I've felt in the past has been decreasing.  Part of that is because real life has been getting pretty good lately.  Another part of that is that I've started repeating my Affirmations a little bit more often.

It's often said that your thoughts and your words must be chosen carefully, as they become your actions.

So when I have free moments to myself, I like these mantras:

(I)  I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I recommend reciting this anytime you find yourself disrespected, rejected, or insulted.

(II)  RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

I recommend reciting this anytime you find yourself about to become triggered, irritated, or angered by someone else's shoddy behavior.

(III)  DO NOT DEMONIZE, DO NOT DEIFY.

I recommend reciting this one before any political discussion.  Also, see II.

(IV)  POINT OF EVAPORATION

Anytime you're having trouble letting go of grudges or past hurts.

(V)  POINT OF FAULT TRANSFERENCE

Anytime someone else holds grudges against you or over-retaliates.

(VI)  MOTHER PROTECT ME, FATHER EMBOLDEN ME

Anytime you feel anxious, scared, or unsure about a future event.

(VII)  DO NOT SPOIL, DO NOT PUNISH

Anytime you've made a mistake or done something wrong.  Also see I and II.

(VIII)  I AM NOT ANGRY AT YOU, AND I AM ALSO NOT ASHAMED OF MYSELF

See II, IV, and V.

(IX)  BETTER ONES THAN ME HAVE DONE WORSE DEEDS AND SUFFERED FAR WORSE CONSEQUENCES

See VII.

(X)  THERE'S A LADY NAMED KARMA.  SHE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO BAD BOYS AND SHE IS NOT FRIENDS WITH MEAN GIRLS.  SHE IS NOT INFLUENCED BY GROUPTHINK, AND SHE IS NOT SWAYED BY VOLUME OR ARROGANCE.  LEAVE CONSEQUENCES TO HER - SHE HAS BETTER TOOLS AT HER DISPOSAL.

Use if you have already recited I, II, and III, and reinforcements are needed.

When used often enough, and effectively enough, they can help us manage most negative emotions.

Be safe, all.

Cancellation vs. Boundaries

 Good Morning All - hope you remembered to spring ahead!

A new issue has arisen:  Cancel Culture.

Various portions of pop culture are being taken off the shelves, or out of circulation, because they have been deemed unacceptable by today's standards.  These include entertainment products, sports team names and logos, and literature.

The reasons for their removal and rejection are based on good intentions:  namely, combating bigotry.  Since we Respect All, it is valid to remove prejudice and hatred from our own thoughts and actions.  

On this blog, we have explored a similar issue:  Boundaries.

We have accepted the fact that there are people and things that we do not need or want in our lives.  We cannot make them behave the way we would prefer, because they choose that.  We most certainly can, however, remove them or limit contact with them, because we have absolute power and control over that.

It seems that Cancel Culture is attempting to set boundaries against undesirable expressions and opinions, but doing so on a society-wide scale, rather than a personal scale.  

Both of these principles can be easily harmonized:

(1) Rather than penalizing the creators of older intellectual property produced years or decades ago because the words and expressions that they chose, at times when they were not considered offensive or hurtful, does not seem to be the most equitable remedy.  Rather, it seems a more responsible choice to simply not purchase or view the items, to the point where they are no longer considered valuable.  And if there are still others who consider them valuable, let them possess them instead.

(2) Instead of globally "canceling" such ideas and expressions, why not leave it up to each individual to decide what they will and will not accept?  Wouldn't this be tolerance and coexistence?  Wouldn't this be respect?  And most importantly, wouldn't this be the type of detachment that Emotional Maturity brings?

(3)  The Stoics taught us that there will always be people and things in this world that we don't like.  We can't make them disappear, and we can't force them to behave the way we want them to be.  What we can do, instead, is to either accept the fact that our world is less than ideal and proceed regardless, or when possible, to remove that which we find objectionable from our own personal realms.

So let it be with Cancel Culture.  Don't like what Dr. Seuss said in that book he wrote 80 years ago?  Don't buy it for your child.  Don't like what that football team wears on its helmet?  Don't watch them - in fact, cheer for the other team to beat them!  Don't like what's in that Disney cartoon?  Don't view it, and don't let your children view them either.

We Can Accept People For Who They Are, Because We Cannot Control Them.  We Can Also Reject People For Who They Are, Because They Cannot Control Us.

The operative word here being, "control."

I EXIST, I MATTER, I BELONG, I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL, BEFRIEND FEW, LOVE ONE, HATE NONE.

DO NOT DEMONIZE, DO NOT DEIFY.

POINT OF EVAPORATION.

The Hidden Benefit

 Good Evening All.

As we're about to get vaccinated against COVID, there's a small air of optimism in the air.  There's a sense of relief, looking towards the reopening of society as we once knew it, and tossing away (in the most sanitary way possible), these masks.

Despite the discomfort, unfairness, tension, and resentment that this pandemic caused, I like to think that there is a hidden benefit to having endured it.

A popular saying is that, "tough times create strong people, strong people create easy times, easy times create weak people, and weak people create hard times."  Nobody likes to be called weak, but this saying is true.

When we face adversity, so long as we do not admit that the adversity is defeating us, we become stronger.  That does not mean that winning is the only acceptable solution.  If you bring your A game and you still lose, there's no shame in doing so.

Once we get over that hump, it's only natural to create easy times.  Why not, we've earned it!

Unfortunately, those who might not have earned those easy times become spoiled by them, having not experienced the previous hard times.  That's what keeps the circle going.

So what's to stop us from getting so spoiled? 

Just a little bit of understanding and appreciation, maybe.  Couple of Stoic exercises couldn't hurt:

(1)  Try a cold shower in the morning.  It will make you appreciate the hot ones more.

(2)  Go camping once a year or so.  It will make you appreciate property, possessions, and civilization more.

(3)  Travel to areas of your community, and your world, where members of other faiths and stripes live.  It will make you appreciate the world at large more.

(4)  Shut off these electronic devices once a month.  It will make you appreciate humanity as it naturally is more.

(5)  Spend time with people you dislike once a year.  Not only will it make you strengthen your boundaries, it will also make you appreciate the world that exists outside your opinion even more.

In no way to I suggest that we should torture or abuse ourselves.  I am suggesting that we should not spoil or weaken ourselves.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

DO NOT DEMONIZE, DO NOT DEIFY.

STOICISM AND EMOTIONAL MATURITY.

POINT OF FAULT TRANSFERENCE, POINT OF EVAPORATION.

Another Repost for MLK

 Good Evening All - Since I've already gone over this ground, here's a repost, by popular demand, in honor of the Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  It's been edited a little to go with the times.

Today, we honored the birthday and celebrated the life of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  Dr. King was one of those rare men who rise above human nature and its many weaknesses to bring about real change.

He came of age at a time when racism was as American as apple pie.  Most chose to accept simply accept it.  Jim Crow laws, separate-but-(un)equal facilities, and policies designed to keep one race isolated and abject were omnipresent.

The only other alternative besides "just accepting it" would have been starting rebellions and riots.  Dr. King, however, was not that kind of man.  As a man of the cloth, he understood that peaceful resistance was the most effective means by which to stop racist laws and counteract racist culture.

When I first learned about Dr. King in elementary school, I immediately identified with him. Back then, I learned that the "the system" was not there to take my interests into account.  At the time, I was bullied, the school knew about it, and it did absolutely nothing to stop it.  Dr. King's life story dealt with not only one person, but an entire group of people, being harassed, deprived, and disadvantaged, and a government that either turned a blind eye to what was occurring, or sometimes even encouraged it!  For me, it was far less an issue of race than it was an issue of respect -- or the complete lack thereof.

Dr. King can truly be said to be the greatest anti-bullying advocate there ever was, before people even understood that there was such a thing as "anti-bullying!"  He also combated what we now know to be bullying in ways that most men would not conceive of implementing.  He proved that it was not necessary to stoop to a bully's level to beat him.  

Got a bully in your personal life?  Or better yet, someone who has the backing and implicit encouragement of the authorities? It's not because that person is "insecure," it's most likely because they're spoiled instead.

It may feel easy for you to start blazing your guns at them, so to speak.  As we learned from Dr. King, this is a mistake, because that's exactly what the bully wants you to do. They're trying to make you use your anger from a position of weakness, which means you will, repeat will, make mistakes.  Anger can only be used from a position of strength, which the bully will often have over you. Don't let them play with your emotions like a sucker!  Dr. King saved his passion for his speeches, not for cursing out some sheriff with a fire hose!

My suggestion?  Use the power of "NO."  Are they trying to expose your weaknesses and foibles?  Say "NO" to the entire conversation.  The fact that they want you to admit that you've forgotten something or neglected something is not their attempt to win a case or a prize -- it's their way of testing how weak you are. If it's something that you know is irrelevant and inconsequential, just answer honestly. If it's something that they want to use to make you look stupid, just change the subject.  

MLK didn't eliminate hate.  That's beyond anyone's control.  However, he did severely weaken the power hate has over society.  So if someone hates you and you can't avoid interacting with them, just weaken their power.  Start with the Four Pillars:

I EXIST. I MATTER. I BELONG. I DESERVE.

You can recite it as a mantra, you can hum it to yourself when nobody's around, it doesn't matter.  Just as long as you have these Pillars in your head when these people are screwing with you, it's a lot easier not to let them win. You'll almost render yourself bulletproof!

And so, in closing, please honor the memory of MLK.  Not just by showing respect and tolerance towards members of all races, but also by how you respond to threats and adversity.

For clarification, this post was written in a time when my lifestyle was somewhat different than it is now, accordingly the tone is different than my more recent posts.   Originally, this blog was focused merely on opposing bullying, and then evolved into an empowerment tool for Beta Males.   Since then, it has evolved even further to embrace Stoicism and Emotional Maturity.  Since Dr. King's philosophy was based in maturity, and not in machismo, the result was more powerful than the hardest punch ever thrown.

Let's not let hate blur our thoughts and pervert our judgment.  Let's not be swept away by groupthink, buzzwords, and sound bites.  Let's think first and react afterwards.  

And above all, let's give, and receive, RESPECT.

Good night all!

The Re-Centering

 Good Afternoon All.  A rainy Saturday in December brings us towards a little more introspection.

It has been part of the human experience, both before and during COVID, to experience ups and downs.  Days with events that make us feel happy, perhaps even content, and events that make us frustrated/angry/resentful/worried/anxious.  And because of COVID, there are possibly more events in the latter categories.

As we have learned from COVID, and as the Stoics knew all along, the world has a whole ton of things out there that are beyond our control.  How others conduct themselves, the weather, the news, and the environment.

However, becoming enveloped in anger, worry, or even hopelessness, must be prevented.  Regardless of what's happening externally, we must keep ourselves grounded and controlled internally.

(1)    HERE AND NOW.  Reference the date, time, and place you're in, right where and when you are.  If it helps, say it like Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek dictating into the Captain's Log.

(2)    DEEP BREATHING.  All the way in, hold for 4-5 seconds, and all the way out.  Repeat as many times as needed to slow down and focus.

(3)    GRAPHING AND CHARTING.  Whatever the issue, is if there is a way to change it for the better, write it down.  Maybe make a pro/con list, maybe make it an if/then flow-chart.  And if there is nothing to be done, then stop wasting your time.  No options, no problems.

(4)    VISUALIZATION.  Picture scenes in your mind that are relaxing, comforting, or otherwise satisfying.  Use this hand-in-hand with the deep breathing, and do it every single time you start thinking about negative crap.  Every single time, with the hope being that our annoying cousin, Amy G. Dala, will realize that she'll never get in a complete sentence with us again.

(kind of like we don't get a word in edgewise with distant relatives)

(5)    AFFIRMATIONS

        (A)   Mother Protect Me.  On the average, most of the things beyond our control work out, or at the very least, turn out to be less terrible than they could have.  Worrying about what awaits us in the next episode is an untenable burden.  All the more reason to send those thoughts up to a Higher Power who has the power and discretion to block it.

        (B)    Father Embolden Me.  Most of the things that are actually within our control, by comparison, require a great deal of assembly, maintenance, and responsibility.  All the more reason to seek some energy from a Higher Power who can ever-so-gently remind you that you have two hands and two feet, and one brain - use them all wisely, but don't just let them hang aimlessly.

As repetitive as the above might be, please be aware that constant and continuing internal effort is necessary in order to achieve happiness, and possibly success, in a world filled with unfairness, inconvenience, and unpredictability.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US, FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

STOICISM. EMOTIONAL MATURITY. POINT OF EVAPORATION

Gratitude

 Hey All - it's a chilly Sunday Afternoon, so it's a perfect time for a good post.

This year, there is no shortage of things that are unpleasant and unwanted.  We have a pandemic that has yet to be cured, we have people who have suffered from it, and we also have restrictions on our normal daily activities that have done seemingly more harm than good.

The vast majority of these things are events beyond our control.  More than likely, we did not cause or contribute to them in any way.

This world was already filled with things that were uncomfortable, unfortunate, and undesirable.  In 2020, these things seemingly snowballed.  

Let's face it:  There is not a single thing that we can do about COVID, about those who've contracted it, or about these inconvenient, stifling, and economy-harming restrictions put in place in response.

This means that Thanksgiving cannot be celebrated this week as it would otherwise be.  The governing authorities seem to be divided over whether or not anyone should visit family, as is customarily done, and it remains doubtful whether or not it's a good idea to try it.  Regardless of that argument, it's not the same Thanksgiving.

Nonetheless, the purpose of this holiday is to express gratitude for the things we do have, notwithstanding that which we're not happy to receive.

Speaking for myself, I am grateful for my wife, my family, and every friend I've made (in both real life and on social media), and thankful that they're all COVID negative.  I am also grateful for the food we have for sustenance (for Thanksgiving and otherwise), our home, and our comforts.  I am also grateful that my parents and in-laws are safe, that my professional career endured through the pandemic, and that are everyday needs are met notwithstanding COVID or its restrictions.  Lastly, I am thankful for my own life and health, without which I wouldn't be able to address the above.

What we can do is choose our attitude and mentality in this situation.  Complaining about what's wrong is nothing more than a submission to it.  Detaching from what's wrong is growth, maturity, and ultimately happiness.

I hope my readers choose to be grateful rather than antagonized during this pandemic.  If you're not, so be it, but I'd rather be appreciative of that which COVID has not, and cannot ruin.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

DO NOT DEMONIZE, DO NOT DEIFY.

DISCLAIMER:  THIS POST IS NOT AN INVITATION TO DEBATE.  CRITICAL COMMENTS WILL BE ADDRESSED VIA DIRECT MESSAGE, BUT NOT IN COMMENT FORM.