Always a Complaint

Complaining - it's just too damn easy.  Some people will look for and find reasons to bad mouth, malign, or whine over damn near everything.

Case and point, the fans of my beloved Islanders.  Last night, as a preseason exhibition, they played the Devils at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York, which will be their new home beginning with the 2015-16 season.  How awesome, right?  A peek at the Isles' future home, an improvement over the "old barn," better known as Nassau Coliseum!  Super snazzy jazzy!

Or so we'd think...

What did people post/tweet about?  Oh, this place is no good.  Oh, I hated commuting on the LIRR to get there.  Oh, it's too small.  Oh, the line in the bathroom was too long.

Stop.  Just stop.  Please.

Here's the deal.

(1).  It was either this, or watch this franchise pack up the plantation and move to Kansas City.  Or Quebec.  Or somewhere in Suffolk County!  You guys prefer those options instead?

(2).  The place was constructed for basketball, and only basketball.  By the time SOMEBODY woke up and thought about moving the Islanders there, construction was completed.  If you wanted them to build a bigger arena for both teams, then you should've spoken up a LOT sooner.  Noah built the ark BEFORE it started raining, not when everyone started complaining about the weather, ya dig?

(3).  Dear voters of Nassau County:  who exactly told you to vote no, and why did you listen?  You could have not only kept the Isles on Hempstead Turnpike, but given them a renovated and remodeled Coliseum, and a whole sports complex around it that would have been an even greater attraction than Jones Beach and the East End combined!  

But you made your choice instead.  You knew full well that Wang would move the team if things didn't change, but you didn't care.  You still want to follow this team?  Then you'll just have to accept this arrangement as it is.

I mean, complaining about the train? More than half of you take it every morning at 7am to Penn Station - are you not used to it?  And you can't tell me you've never taken it for Rangers or Devils games. 

The moral of the story, friends & neighbors, is this:  sometimes consequences result from our actions or inactions.  When they do, we can (a) fix them, if it's possible to do so, or we can (b) just accept them, if there's nothing else we can do about them.  But we have NO RIGHT to complain about something that we caused or allowed to happen.  If Nassau County did not want to hold onto a team that represented it for 40+ years, then it cannot lament the perceived shortcomings of the resulting situation.

Whew!  Got fired up this time - maybe I should do Boomer & Carton once or twice, huh?  Just kidding, peeps.

By the way, congrats to everyone who ran the 5th Avenue Mile today.  Enjoy the Emmys!

It's OK To Admit You Won

Hey all - doing it a little on the early side.

This weekend, I celebrated the Day of Atonement per my religion's traditions.  I fasted, which allowed me to contemplate my errors and omissions to seek forgiveness for them, while staying at my optimal buck-fifty weight.

Part of this holiday felt a bit lonely.  I'm one of those people who goes for the entire service, while a multitude of others arrive late, depart early, or just stay for "the important part."  Granted, the service lasts all day, with a 2 hour break, but that's the whole purpose of this holiday.  

I am not judging those who do this.  Some have small children or elderly relatives.  And some just don't choose to do it because it's way too long and boring.  Everyone's got circumstances we don't know about, and everyone's got opinions.  This is America, and nobody can force you to practice, or not practice, any religion.  So be it.

Aaaaand now that I've gotten the "Oh Squad" off my back, here's my point:

Deep down, I think that for every one of these folks who is decidedly apathetic or non committal, I win.  For every smart-ass agnostic who impugns his own traditions, I score.  And for everyone who complains about how much they hate being there, my loyalty grows tenfold.

It's really not so different from the positive reinforcement we runners share - even if you don't PR, you've beaten the loudmouth who sits on his bottom and never exercises.  Even if you didn't train properly for a race, you've beaten those who never trained.  And even if - G-D forbid - you had to walk part of that race, you've beaten those who didn't move.

So I'm patting myself on the back for my efforts, and congratulating those who did likewise.  Hopefully it gained me the forgiveness I sought, but I can't speak for Him who makes that call.

To be honest, the specific religion I practice is dying.  The need that prior generations once had for it is not there, and the enthusiasm that once sustained it has been redirected.  Membership in houses of worship continues to decline, and the institutions themselves either merge or close.

Until it happens, all I can do is keep whatever traditions I can, and incorporate them into my life the best I can.  That way, I'll feel no regrets when the doors finally close, except that I'll no longer have a race where I can place that highly.

So maybe I'll just have to fill that void with ... you'll see.  ;)

DISCLAIMER!  The above post was not intended to malign, besmirch, cast aspersions against, pass judgment on, or to devalue anyone who elects not to attend religious services, or elects to selectively attend them.  

Keeping this disclaimer in mind, feel free to comment.  With insight and maturity, I hope!

Know Your Audience and Their Likely Response

Hey All --

It's the mid-point of a three day weekend that unofficially concludes Summer 2013.  But it's still Sunday night, and you know what that means!

It is often said that one should never discuss religion or politics in polite society.  I respectfully disagree.  If we stifle ourselves the extent suggested by those inclined by politically correct, there's not that much conversation left.  Stifling the freedom of expression, whether by governmental edict (automatically unconstitutional, but save that for another post), by family-based guilt, or by fear of tripping the offense-o-meter that someone else has set too high, is neither brave, respectable, or admirable.  We were given voices, there's nothing wrong with using them.

That being said, those voices should only be used with the guidance and accuracy of the mind.  We don't just spew anything that we feel like shooting out there just for the sake of hearing our own voices.  We use them when we have logical, rational, and winning arguments, just like an attorney does at Court.

So how do we reconcile these two correct, but contradictory, truisms?  We know our audience.

(1)  THE "WE DON'T CARE" CROWD:

Oh yeah, I'm going after these people again, after a while they're gonna lose their cool, detached veneer and be forced to start caring about a whole lot!

Often times, we'll introduce an issue that we feel so strongly about, so passionately about, something that comes from the very fiber of our being, only to be shushed, pooh-poohed, ignored, interrupted, or minimized by the unconcerned.

At this time, I have no winning strategy to use against this foe.  We can stand on our heads and give award-winning arguments until we're blue in the face.  They will have intentionally blocked all frequencies with shrugged shoulders, and converted our carefully-chosen vocabulary into the muffled-tuba sounds incorporated by Charlie Brown's teachers.  It is sad, it is frustrating, and it's more than a little rude.

Limit your contact with this crowd as much as possible.  Your message is better received by those who are more empathetic and open-minded.  Save it for them instead.  Trying to get through to these other folks is about as productive as punching a hole through a brick wall.  As I've said before, we do not live in a comic book, so instead of making your own doorway to the other side of that wall, you'll walk away with fractured metacarpals.

Getting angry at these folks, despite the above description, in the face of their obvious disinterest does not hurt them, it hurts you.  Whatever their reasons for their lack of response, it's not your fault, and it's also not a reason to hate them either.  There's no reason to make yourself crazy trying to get through to people who could care less about your message or you.  Go reach an audience that does appreciate your message, and you.

(2)  THE ALLIES YOU DON'T NOTICE:

Sometimes, we get so caught up in sending our message, we don't bother to listen to the response.  This is also dangerous, because we may be going after someone who agrees with us when we assume that they're an adversary, or part of the WDC's.

You may think that they're not getting your message, and you may be sorrily mistaken.  Maybe they just want to add a riff to what you say.  Or maybe they just see it from a slightly different angle.  To use legal jargon, they "concur under separate grounds."

Give them the same courtesy they gave you.  They did not put up walls of apathy like the other crew did.  They listened.  They heard you loud and clear.  They found merit to your view, and empathize with your feelings.  Chances are, they may have thought of something that you didn't.

If this is true, then part of you may be so disappointed with yourself for not scooping up that biscuit first, that you're projecting your frustration on the one who did.  This is also a mistake.  Rather than attack them, enlist them.  And be happy they haven't yet made an enemy of you!

(3)  YOURSELF:

In other words, think before you speak, and edit before you write.  Pretend you're them, would you listen to you?

Is this the kind of statement you'd want people to remember you stating?  You can take it back, you can edit it, delete it, apologize for it, etc., but once it's out there, it's out there.  Even in this season of repentance and pardon, not everyone who hears you apologize will forgive you for wronging them.

Preparation:  Edit Yourself.  Is it something you'd want on your tombstone?  Something you'd want our callous and uncaring media to endlessly quote you as saying?  Is it the voice of your authentic and genuine self?  Is it exactly what you mean?  Will it bring consequences down on you or your loved ones?

If you don't have an unequivocal answer to any of the above, don't say or write it.  BEFORE IS BETTER.

Afterwards:  Forgive Yourself.  As I alluded to above, G-D is all-forgiving.  The rest of us aren't.  But even the angriest cries of offense, the strongest denouncements, and even the deserved consequences fade, you're still here.  You're human, you're flawed, and you're limited.  Nobody says the right thing at the right time all the time, no matter how much they think they do.  Not even I can do that!

But nobody, not the unforgiving or the WDC's, are interested in seeing you fall on your own sword.  Once you've made a brief and sincere apology, show's over.  Beating yourself up for your faults and foibles does not "reinforce" what you shouldn't do next time.  Instead, it does nothing but slightly expedite your eventual demise, and make your existence more painful than it ought to be.  File it away as a reference point, use it to improve your judgment, and keep on saying what you need to say.  Just let your conscience and your intellect, together with whatever mistakes you've made, serve as guideposts and boundaries in your future endeavors.

Yup, just a little something I needed to share with you, my audience.

As I mentioned on Facebook yesterday, the 10 Days of Awe will begin shortly.  This is the beginning of the lunar calendar used in Judaism, and it marks a season of repentance for sins committed against G-D, which are automatically forgiven and sins committed by everyone else against each other, which are not.

Those of you who are closest to me will be receiving direct messages in this regard, but since this season is upon us, I'd like to acknowledge to my audience that I haven't always said things in the best way they could be said, and I may have left someone with hurt feelings as a result.

For that, I apologize.  I can endeavor to avoid doing so in the coming year, but I still have messages to get out.  The best I can do is change the way they're presented so that they help, and not hurt; and that they resolve, and not aggravate.  I have many things to say, but I'm still only human.

This is not a guarantee that every single solitary thing I say from now on will be non-offensive to anyone and everyone.  But it is an admission that I've been wrong before, a notice that I'd like to make my peace with anyone who ever felt hurt by my statements, and a resolution that I will increase my efforts to state my messages the right way.

OK, now I'm done.  Any questions or comments, please message me directly.

Positive Reinforcement

The Magic of Positive Reinforcement

Hey All -- Sunday night, and it's about that time, so here it is . . . .

It is often said that a pat on the back is sometimes more helpful than a kick in the pants.  It is also often said that attitude determines everything.  This week, I saw both of these axioms tried and proven.

I have a 91 year old grandmother, known for much of her life to be a "tough old bird."  She never let anyone or anything keep her down, but it appears that the aging process has caught up to her.  She has taken an extended stay in a rehab center and a local hospital due to various complications.

My Mom, being the loyal daughter she is, couldn't stand to know that my grandmother was suffering while she was many states away.  So, on a whim, she and my Dad decided to fly up here to New York and see her, to make sure her condition didn't get any worse.

Within 24 hours of their arrival, her condition improved.  Within 48 hours, she was discharged from the hospital.

Days after that, I came to visit her too, and I saw something really special happen.  Both my parents tried to explain to my grandmother that she would need to continue the exercise and physical therapy that she had been prescribed in order to continue to be able to walk.  My father had the more persuasive approach -- unlike his children, my father has always hated exercising.  He still does, but since he survived a triple bypass, he knows he has to do it every single day.  He explained to my grandmother that he hates exercise just as much as she does, but that sometimes we have to do things we'd rather not do because the alternative is unacceptable.  My grandmother, much like her first grandson, never liked being told she had to do something distasteful, but she listened to my father nonetheless.

The reason that much of this blog is devoted to denouncing bullying in all of its forms is because bullying is the ultimate example of negative reinforcement.  It is the continued and involuntary exposure to communications and actions designed to convince the recipient that he or she is abject and worthless.  Through the constant repetition that accompanies it, it usually results in convincing the recipient that this message is correct, and if left unchecked, it results in the recipient's demise.

Fortunately, positive reinforcement is just as powerful.  When delivered with the same repetition as negative reinforcement, it convinces the recipient that the Four Pillars apply, and then some.  When mixed with a certain degree of action in lieu of the repetition, it can work near-miracles.  Case and point, when my parents came to visit my grandmother, she almost became her old self.  My grandmother understood that there were people who cared about her very deeply, and wanted her to be healthy, and were willing to do something extra to make that happen.  Sometimes knowledge of self-affirming truths like these can move mountains.

This is further exemplified in my chosen sport of running.  When we see people who run at a less expeditious pace than we do, we do not ridicule them.  We do not question their intelligence or their gender identity.  We do not mock them, impugn them, or condescend.  Instead, we cheer them in, as if they were going for a world record.  We remind them that they are achieving an incredible accomplishment merely by putting on their shoes, pinning a bib on their shirt, and participating in the race to begin with.  We reinforce their efforts to put forth their best efforts.  And these people tend to cross the finish line happy, regardless of their time or pace, because hearing these messages reminds them that they were not mistaken to run that race.  Sometimes, those messages encourage them to run another race, and then another, and then another, and then another . . . .

There is a place in this world for criticism and judgment.  Please keep both of them in that place, and have the wisdom to know when they're not necessary.

There is also a place for encouragement, reinforcement, and positive affirmations.  Quite frankly, there is a greater need for them than there is for even the most analytical criticism or the clearest judgment.

Oh pleeeease, why should anyone care what anyone else says, they should already believe in themselves first, let them develop their own self esteem on their own time, they should have thicker skins . . . . .

Grrr.  Shut.  Up.  And.  Leave.  Please.

Next time you see someone suffering, show some positive reinforcement.  If it's a homeless person in the subway, maybe some spare change would let that person know that somebody still cares.  Or better yet, give him that sandwich that you might not have really wanted to eat for lunch -- that would be even better reinforcement.  If you see somebody forlorn or sad, shoot them a quick smile -- that costs nothing.  It'll lift somebody up an inch or two, and it might improve your disposition too.

As stated earlier on Facebook, this blog is taking an upward turn -- more positive reinforcement, as documented above, and more encouragement towards goals and success.  Just in time for the Ten Days of Awe, which will be explained to the uninformed in the next week or so.

Good night, everybody!

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

Beta Male Inaccuracy

Hi All!

Every man has an arsenal of weapons inside him.  They include, but are not limited to, their intelligence, cunning, higher thinking, sense of humor, determination, and discipline.  They also include their anger, which can fuel the fires enough to enhance and strengthen all of the above traits, and then even more.

However, the anger is the trickiest weapon in the arsenal because it is the most difficult to focus and aim.  And part of the reason why some beta males hopelessly remain beta males is because that weapon is either misdirected, or deactivated when it is most needed.

(1).  Misdirected:

The anger is aimed at targets that are no longer reachable, or possibly no longer in existence.  Yes, we all know, let the past go, blah blah blah, that's the same old song that our adversaries, the "we don't care" crowd, loves singing to us. But without conceding their mantra of apathy mixed with sunshine and rainbows, aiming at a target that you can't even hit is a waste of ammunition.

Per my prior posts, you can only beat your adversaries when you fire your weapons at them while they're still in front of you.  Not by waiting until they leave the room and talking trash about them.  If you do that, they own you.  Not only are you not firing your weapons at them, you're turning them against yourself and imploding!

Yes, it's true that you can build up resistance to your own weapons over time, because you know them better than anyone.  But you still scar yourself in the process.  And sometimes you can get so addicted to doing that because you think it's safer than actually confronting your adversaries.  In the long run, it's more dangerous than anything your adversaries can do, no matter how much resistance you build up, because you're still wasting your ammunition on yourself, leaving yourself depleted.

(2).  Deactivated:

This is why I have a real problem with the "we don't care" crowd.  Countless times in my life, I've looked to members of this crowd to say something to silence my critics or provide some reinforcements (yes, I was wrong to do this, but that's not the point).  All I've gotten out of them was a shrug and a so what.  The fact that these people make themselves laughing stocks, or completely not noticed, is simply not relevant to them, and it comes at a time when they SHOULD be doing something about it!  "It doesn't bother me" is not what you want to hear from a so-called friend.  And if they send you down Apathy Road too many times, guess what?  They are not your friends.  No matter how many times they say that they're not your adversary, or that "I didn't say you were right, but I didn't say you were wrong either," they are your adversary if they do not have your back.  Lose these passive-aggressive pseudo-friends with all deliberate speed.

Don't follow their lead.  Be wise enough to know when you should be aggressive, and when you should pull the trigger, and when you should take action, without being prompted or being taken aside for someone to whisper in your ear.  Don't keep your guns in your holster when they need to be fired!  STAND UP FOR YOURSELF when you need to do so!  It doesn't mean you become an Alpha A-hole!  It means you love yourself more than you hate them!

(3).  Accuracy:

And therein lies the question:  WHEN?

When do you aim and fire, and when don't you?

That's entirely fact-specific, I'm afraid.  Nobody can really give you any hard and fast rules as to when to keep the safety on, and when to shoot to kill, because it all depends on the situation.  Sometimes you just have to choose your battles.  But common sense provides a few guidelines:

(A):  DO fire when your adversary is attacking you, and you know it to be an attack.

(B):  DO fire when there are too many "we don't cares" droning away and doing nothing to contain the problem.

(C):  DO fire if you gave someone a "free pass" last time, and they assume that it's a lifetime free pass.

(D):  DO fire even if the "we don't cares" beg you not to fight after you've been attacked.  And feel free to fire at them too, since they're obviously protecting and trying to enable your adversaries!

(E):  DON'T fire when doing so will not result in a victory, but will only result in job loss or reputation loss.

(F):  DON'T fire when it's too late to do so.  And don't kick yourself even if you did make a mistake in not firing when the target was in range.  Punishing yourself for making a mistake is a stupid-assed thing to do, and it's the same as doing your adversaries' job for them.  Just get past it and get ready for the next time.

(G):  DON'T fire on your real friends.  They're not the "we don't cares," because friends actually do care.

Bottom line, peeps, we have huge strengths and laudable attributes.  The worst thing in the world is not use them when it counts.  The second worst thing in the world we can do is waste them by using them at the wrong times.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

That's my song, peeps!  :)

A Good Man -- The Video