Speaking Their Language

Hey All.  It's another relaxing Sunday, and that means it's time for another post.

In our challenge to obtain Emotional Maturity, we are often confronted with manipulators, beyess artists, and posers who have developed talents that don't deserve respect.  Instead of owning up to their misdeeds, (or not even doing them in the first place - what a concept), they do everything they can to excuse, confuse, distract, or just babble incessantly in hopes of avoiding consequences.

It's very easy to become angry at them for being this way - and their apologists will not hesitate to remind us that it's a talent we lack - until we remember that this is their only talent.

However, when we are able to easily decipher what they say, we can avoid being manipulated by them.  Some prime examples:

(1)  "No offense, but . . ."  - I'm going to bash you, but instead of admitting that, I'm going to add this disclaimer so I end up looking like the good guy.

(2) "I have no idea what you're talking about."  You're right, but I'm too full of myself to admit it.

(3) "I see the good in all people" - I know my friends are assholes, but if they do/say things wrong to you, I'm going to defend them, because I need popularity more than respect.

(4) "You might learn something/Be open minded" - I'm better than you, so you have to let me interrupt and talk all over you.

(5) "I'm not putting one over on you" - Now that I disarmed you, you're going to fall for my BS just like Charlie Brown trying to kick the football.

This by no means an endorsement of the brutally honest - there is such a thing as respect - but there are way too many bullies, abusers, and narcissists who victimize people by beyessing them so hard it comes out their ears!

There are way too many people who get bullied and disrespected when young, used and abused by employers when grown, and made mincemeat out of by spouses and significant others with no morals to speak of.  Contrary to popular opinion, the answer to that problem is not a left hook or a leg sweep.  It's preparation and maturity.

Once you know their language, you can provide responses that clearly indicate that we're not getting fooled.  Here are some examples.

(1) "No offense, but -" Why would I get offended if I wasn't even listening?

(2) "I have no idea what you're talking about."  That's OK, your six-year-old nephew will explain it to you.

(3) "I see the good in all people" - I'm impressed.  I didn't know they made microscopes for that.

(4) "You might learn something."  Mission accomplished.  Bye.

(5) "I'm not putting one over on you."  I didn't say you were.

Don't get it twisted, we're not looking to find the best comebacks, or to have the Hollywood ending.  We're also not looking to get the most hoots and hollers from the spectators and bystanders.  What we are looking to do is set boundaries, and let our egocentric cousins understand that they don't own us, that we are not their followers, and that if they want more tools, they can go to Home Depot.  One of the best ways to do this is to learn their language, instead of being misled by it.  Aside from this, we can leave people like this behind, and (if we choose) replace them with less predatory and more empathetic counterparts.

And even if you don't have a ready response to these meritless, untruthful, and deceptive statements, don't worry.  Our Mother Lady Karma has even better ones.  Maybe She thinks a good comeback might be a ride in handcuffs, an unexpected pregnancy test, or having those very words proven false.  Let Her handle that.  We'll handle our own development, our own happiness, and our own choices of whom we choose to include in our lives.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

G-D THE FATHER PROPELS ME.  G--SS THE MOTHER PROTECTS ME.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

Under Your Skin

Hey All -- Double Portion!

No matter what we do, there is always a chance that someone, or something, will get under our skin.  Get our goat, grind our gears, boil our blood . . . or just plain p--- us off!

(sorry all, this is a family blog)

We're only human, so unless we're campaigning for sainthood, we're at least going to feel this reaction emotionally, even if we don't actually express it.  So what's to be done about it, without exposing ourselves to homicide charges?

(A)  NEVER let your anger effect your judgment.  Expressing why you're getting ticked, even a little bit forcefully, is OK, but DON'T let that expression include (1) any kind of cursing; (2) name-calling or slams against the other person (especially not anything that could cost you your reputation); or (3) any sort of threats.  If you must call someone on their BS, call them out only on the specific issues, and don't hit "below the belt."  Chances are, these people are trying to goad you into all of the above, and they're experts in using them against you.

(B)  FIND the breach in your "skin," patch it back up, and heal it. We've all got weak spots, but you don't let them stay weak and vulnerable if you expect to function like a healthy and same adult.  If need be, find a trusted family member or friend to vent to about how it stings and hurts.  Or better yet, open a new page in your journal and let 'er rip.  Write down everything you hate or can't stand about what's happened, and LEAVE it all on that page.  If it's in there, and not bouncing around your cerebral cortex, you've advanced yourself many levels and gotten your "groove" back.  Then get to work on the chink in your armor that allowed a sling or arrow to penetrate, and seal it back the heck up.  Don't leave that area unguarded again if you can help it.

As I've previously posted, anger is only useful from a position of strength.  Unfortunately, many of us will still feel angry when we are not in a position of strength, and can't do anything about it.  The feelings will happen regardless, but we are the only ones who can keep them under control.  Let's not lose the one power we have in that situation.

Yeah, now I'm back up to date -- feel free to comment!