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Sunday, November 25, 2018

Impossible?

Hey All - Hope you're having an easy Sunday afternoon.  Now that we're almost done with Thanksgiving weekend, it feels like we're just about ready to return to work.

But first, let me address a challenge that I'm about to undertake - a quest for an answer to a problem that some say cannot be resolved.

"WE WILL NEVER GET RID OF BULLYING.  TEACH YOUR KIDS TO FIGHT AND STOP RAISING A GENERATION OF VICTIMS"  I respectfully disagree.

Every time I see that meme, I cringe.  The idea that the bullying is a permanent part of human behavior, and that every kid should be taught how to fight - which is exactly what the bullies have been doing - is completely unacceptable to me.  As a species, we have evolved from our old hunter-gatherer roles and completed at least one metamorphosis in how we govern ourselves and the world around us.  Or as I like to say, we don't live in the Stone Age, the Middle Ages, or the Old West anymore.  Accordingly, with very few exceptions, we live in a civilized society with laws.  The notion of "might makes right" is outdated and unacceptable.  Accordingly, I firmly believe that the act of bullying, in and of itself, can be contained, controlled, and hopefully eliminated entirely.

There are those who think that stopping bullying is completely and entirely the responsibility of the ones being bullied.  They're right, but they're also wrong.

They're Right:

(1)  We have the power to disable our triggers and willfully control our emotions.  This is how we can stop becoming offended, triggered, or reactionary to what they do or say.
(2)  When we demonstrate that we are unflappable in the face of slings and taunts, the bully often finds another more receptive - and recessive - target.
(3)  When we release ourselves from grudges, resentment, and outdated behavior patterns, we advance to the Point of Evaporation and achieve Emotional Maturity.

THAT'S NOT THE END OF THE STORY, HOWEVER.

We can teach members of other races to not be triggered or offended by racism.  But that doesn't make racism okay.
We can teach women to ignore catcalls, harassment, and ungentlemanly behavior.  But that doesn't make such conduct legitimate.
We can perform every form of personal responsibility needed to prevent theft, burglary, or assault.  NONE OF THAT DE-CRIMINALIZES THOSE OFFENSES.

They're Wrong:

(1)  Bullying behavior does not magically become legitimate because people don't get angry about it and become de-triggered.
(2)  The fact that it continues to remain unacceptable is not weakness on the part of the rest of society - it is a mark of strength to reject behavior that should not exist past middle school, if at all.
(3)  If bullying victims have to step up their game, shore up their weaknesses, and work on themselves to avoid being hurt, then bullies have a contingent responsibility to control, restrain, and outgrow their unnecessary aggression. 

This is a Two-Way Street.  Apparently our opponents would rather make it a one-way street, and then argue that any expectation that bullies have a shared responsibility with their victims to eliminate the conduct is "not real" or "pie in the sky" or "garbage."

There is a plethora of programs that teach kids how to repel bullying without even an ounce of violence.  There is no reason why there should not be just as many programs that teach those who do bully to take the same exact responsibility for their behavior as well.

Cynicism and criticism will not be seen as roadblocks to this challenge, but rather stepping stones.  Those opponents insist that we not demonize bullies (or as I sometimes call them, alpholes)?  Great.  Let's use the "good in all people" that they supposedly have to outweigh the evil within them that won't let them stop treating others like trash.

I EXIST.                                                            RESPECT ALL.
I MATTER.                                                       BEFRIEND FEW.
I BELONG.                                                       LOVE ONE.
I DESERVE.                                                     HATE NONE.

MOTHER PROTECT US.                              FATHER EMBOLDEN US.

EMOTIONAL MATURITY.


Monday, November 19, 2018

The Head of The Table

Howdy All.  Got a reallllly short week ahead, and everyone's favorite American holiday follows!

People often joke about how Thanksgiving is one of those events where family gets together - and family often includes people you don't voluntarily associate with, but because it's family, most of us still do.

I've spent years promoting the concept of #bootem.  If people aren't good to you, or for you, family or not, it's perfectly OK to dismiss and release them from your realm.  However, many of us have relatives that do not accept the concept of #bootem, see nothing wrong with breaking bread with those who are less than bread-worthy, and honestly believe that whatever those others are doing is American as apple pie, and think we should believe likewise.

Accordingly, our boots might be deactivated for the next few days.

What To Do?

(1)  Respect All.  You may be giving them a low score, and rightfully so, but they're not chopped liver.  As alluded to above, there are always those who are more than willing to give them high scores, no matter how intolerable we find them.  Accordingly, the contempt and dislike we might feel for them is not welcome at that gathering, justified or not.

(2)  Shields Up.  Do not show annoyance, haughtiness, frustration, fear, or anger.  They'll smell it the way sharks can pick up on a nosebleed from miles away.  Stay straight-laced, unflappable, and just a little detached.  The desire for them to start trouble with you will already be reduced.

If they try to break through your veneer of coolness and calmness, keep it reinforced.  If they ask you questions that sound legitimate, keep your guard up - answer them like you're being questioned by opposing counsel at a deposition; keep your answers short, without extemporaneous statements, and with allowing them room to attack anything.  They'll get bored and stop.

If they're asking questions designed to provoke you, don't even answer them.  Get distracted, change them subject, even interrupt them (like they do - it'll scramble them), without making it look deliberate or otherwise leave the conversation.  Just DON'T get angry while doing it - we can't let them push our buttons.

(3)  Don't Get Too Comfortable If Unwarranted.

Some of us are hard-wired for the same pattern:  When asked a question, we get so excited that we're asked a question, so passionate about the stories we have to tell and the wins we've scored, and so happy that we can be part of the family, that we can't fathom the idea that some might be a lot less interested.  To point where they will interrupt you before you can get about five or six words out, steer the conversation away from you, and take it in a direction that had nothing to do with what you were trying to introduce.

Yes, that really is rude beyond belief.  Yes, it does make it even less welcoming than it already is.  And no, there's nothing we can do to change their patterns.

But we can still take note of our surroundings.  For those who just can't expand their attention spans long enough for us to hit that period at the end of the sentence, see above about deposition questions.  Honestly, the best way to deal with those who do this is to let them make the conversation a monologue, especially if they are older members of the family.  Maybe even nod in agreement, it'll make them feel like their job is done.  Their need to have their voice heard might be even greater than ours.

Also, consider whether or not we should really be getting so excited at this particular time and place.  Maybe, just maybe, we shouldn't.  We're not being interviewed on 60 Minutes about the latest developments at our job, we're not on our own YouTube channel sharing videos of our vacation, and we're not giving a press conference from the White House.  Our need to have our voice heard should be modified, and if need be lessened, in this venue.

That's doesn't mean we're nobody.  That doesn't make us worthless, and it doesn't mean that nobody cares what we have to say.  It just means that it's a group of people, a collective, and a tribe where sometimes others have the floor before we do.  And sometimes instead of us, period.  And if we aren't able to back out of attending these functions, we're simply going to have to accept that these are the roles we're expected to play for the limited time that we're there.  To put it a little more straightforward, it's not about us.

But once it's over, it will be again.  Let's give our time and attention to other people's lives, remain unflappable in the face of toxicity, and check our egos to the couch along with our coats to just get through it with a smile on our face once we finish.

RESPECT ALL.  BEFRIEND FEW.  LOVE ONE.  HATE NONE.

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.  BUT THEY DON'T KNOW THAT YET, AND IT'S NOT THE TIME OR PLACE TO CONVINCE THEM.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.