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Sunday, February 18, 2018

No Fair?

Hey All - Enjoying your Sunday?

One major obstacles we encounter in our quest to reach Emotional Maturity is our sense of fairness and equity, and how the rest of the world sometimes doesn't operate with it.  In school and work, we've witnessed favoritism, nepotism, and miscarriages of justice.

It can sting and burn us when our hard work is disregarded and dismissed, and someone who worked less hard gets more respect.  It can sting and burn worse when we are compelled to operate within rules and restrictions that don't seem to apply to others.

It can sting and burn even worse when what we want to say - what we are passionate about and feel to the core of our being - gets interrupted, ridiculed, and rendered meaningless by people who are not concerned about our feelings.

Some people will tell you to "get over it."  That's code for, "I don't care - shut up."  So I won't say that.

Others will deflect to focus the issue on your faults, and tell you that you deserved it so they can get away with it.  I won't say that either.

SECRETS THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW:  There are subjects they care about just as deeply as you care about yours.  However, their ego tells them that their issues matter and yours don't, because they're better than you.  Try to re-evaluate your need to associate with anyone who does this.

Here's what I will say instead:

(1) Evaluate What's More Important - Your Message, Or Your Audience.

It's ok to acknowledge that it hurts when that rejection comes at you.  But you've also got to consider the right time, place, and audience to receive your message.  For example, if you're a Yankee fan, there's no reason for you to talk big and bad about how great your team is in a room full of Mets fans.  Your passion for the Yankees may be heartfelt and sincere, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to bring it up in front of them, knowing full well that they are only too ready to say that your team is less than wonderful.

Aim it where it counts.  And pick a better audience to receive it too - just because they don't like it doesn't mean they're right.

(2) Don't Make It Life Or Death.

Find yourself stuck with people who like to interrupt?  Hopefully it's because you didn't miss an opportunity to un-stuck yourself.  But if you can't get out of it, please accept the fact that no part of this conversation will be about you unless they feel a reason to criticize you, or "only be honest."  Your strengths and accomplishments simply have no value here, like currency from other countries.

Don't fall into the trap of starting a whole big topic that you feel is super-amazing-wonderful in the presence of people who you already know do not.  That's just as bad as Charlie Brown running to kick the football Lucy is holding for him, knowing full well that she's always going to pull it away.

Understand:  It's not that it's "not all about you."  It's never going to be about you, and it's always going to be about them.  Let them have it, they obviously need it more than we do.  And if you're able to do so, reduce or eliminate your interactions with them.

If you must speak to them at all, use sentences of five words or less.  By the time they try to interrupt you, you'll have already finished speaking.

(3) Don't Be A Sidekick.

People don't like these labels:  Narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator, psychopath, egomaniac.  We are not psychiatrists, and cannot make these diagnoses.  We can, however, decide for ourselves whether people who behave like this should or should not be in our lives.

If you find yourself always in the presence of someone who seems to interrupt everything you say, correct every single thing you say that isn't perfect, and finish your sentence for you when it is, you have a real problem.  Much of the problem is whoever is acting this way - it's not acceptable.  But it's also you - you welcome this behavior and allow it to continue.  When you allow yourself to live under someone else's thumb and someone else's rules at all time - with the obvious exception of the military - you are losing.  Leave them - please.

(4) Accept That Others Make Rules That Are Beyond Our Control.

This includes the relationships other people have with each other that might impact on us inequitably.  Bosses who fawn all over people with less qualifications and work ethic than we have, but treat us unfavorably.  So-called friends who go out of their way to also be friends with people we're not happy with, or automatically turn on you in front of crowds to make themselves look good.  And, for the singles out there, those who are not attracted to you, no matter how good to them you might have been.

Getting furious at these kangaroo-court rulings, hating those arbitrary and capricious decision makers, and holding permanent grudges against anyone who says no to you are sure-fire ways to keep yourself in arrested development.  Acknowledging so much unfairness of things, however, with the wisdom to know when to speak out, and when not to, is a way to rise above it.

That boss would rather listen to their favorite than to you?  Maybe that's their mistake, and they'll learn it the hard way.  They're friends with that one?  Let them be even better friends with that one by taking away their second choice.  And someone else just isn't into you?  Stop being into them - they clearly don't deserve that much adulation.

TAKEAWAY:  The rest of the world will not always do the right thing by us.  They will treat us unfairly, address us disrespectfully, and sometimes try to shoot down and disparage everything that we think is important, because they have a mouth and nobody taught them when to close it.  We cannot always "get back" at them, get them in trouble, or hurt them just because they do things we don't like.  We most certainly can, however, address them without becoming angry or triggered. 

I EXIST.  I MATTER.  I BELONG.  I DESERVE.

I AM BOLD.  I AM BULLETPROOF.

I AM EMOTIONALLY MATURE.