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Friday, December 25, 2015

The "Little Buddy" Problem.

Hey All - Happy New Year!

I've sung the praises of booting people who bash you, try to silence you, minimize you, and disrespect you.  But I've also advocated respecting those who disagree with you, but aren't doing it to put you down.  They do exist, believe it or not.

But then there's another category:  The protectors.  The fake friends.  The pseudo-bullies. The beyss artists.  The token collectors.  It requires extra scrutiny to weed them out.

Recently, I shared a story on Facebook about high school athletes who befriend and mentor elementary school children who are being bullied.  I applaud this wholeheartedly.  While it is still sad that the bullies' belief that might makes right is once again validated, it is very encouraging that there are those who are ready, willing, and able to support those who are bullied.

It's certainly comfortable to have a protector.  Someone who can deter bullies from attacking you.  Someone who can remind the bullies that they're not the juggernauts they think they are.  Someone who can reinforce boundaries of respect.  

However, the question remains - what happens if the protectors get bored?  If they become cynical of protecting those physically weaker than they are?  What if they turn on their little buddies . . . Just because they can?  Who gets protected then?

Well, I'll share with you a story from my past:

Between college and law school, I re-connected with an old friend.  It's not his real name, but I'll call him Bobby.  Bobby's parents and mine were friends for years.  He was several years older than me, so when I was in elementary school, I liked hanging out with him.  He felt like the older brother I never had.  I really trusted him.  While we had grown apart, but then started hanging out again.

So it seemed like it would be like old times again.  He'd show me a few things, and he'd have my back.  However, he had a few problems of his own.  He had a rocky relationship with his fiancée.  He ran into a patch of bad luck and was having trouble keeping a job.  And despite his outgoing nature, he had very few friends.

So how did he deal with these hard times?  By making life unpleasant for his "little buddy," who was such a goody two-shoes for getting into law school, such an inferior little man because he wasn't so outgoing, and such a pathetically easy target for non-stop criticism because just wasn't "cool."  Every time I told him it wasn't ok for him to keep doing that, he always had another excuse.

He alleged that we were just two guys going out and having a good time. In reality, it was a loudmouth who became the center of attention, and his permanent wingman who never seemed to get a word in edgewise.  Robin Hood and Little John.   Batman and Robin.   Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.  And Bobby had no problem teaching, advising, correcting, and minimizing his "little buddy" in front of everyone.  Not a single thought to how embarrassing that might have felt.

Hated.  It.   Immensely.  Once it got so bad that the woman that he was talking to waited until he went to the bathroom and asked me why I was putting up with it.   When I confronted him with it later, he said it was because I was like his "widdle bwuddah" and he "had to look out" for me, and the woman was "stupid anyway."

Somewhere in a barn, a male bovine was relieving himself the moment Bobby said this.  And I could smell it.

This was the straw that broke the camel's back.  While homeboy kept talking, I kept listening.  Every time he bashed lawyers out of jealousy.   Every time he talked about blue-collar workers being "real men" and white-collar workers being "not interested in the little guy."  Every time he boasted about his numerous female conquests (both before and after he got engaged), and put me down for not equaling them (despite the fact that he overtook every conversation with a woman I tried to have).  I took notes and went to work.

I emailed him out of the blue about how much I learned from his example.  So much so that I was going to withdraw from law school and work at the local junkyard.  So much that I was going to start smoking just like he did.  So much that I figured out how to talk to "the chicks," and that one of them was making breakfast for me as I was writing that email.

Then I didn't talk to him for a week.  He could not stop calling me and emailing me, but I was going to let it marinate for a while.   Finally, I got him on the phone and let him babble for a solid half hour about how proud he was of me, and that he would support "whatever choice I made."  When he stopped to take a breath, I explained to him that none of it was true, and that I emailed him this story because I got sick and tired of him judging me.   After about two minutes of shocked silence, I was treated to another half hour monologue filled with disappointment that I did not rearrange my life to mirror his, justification for his continued unacceptable behavior, and repeated assurance that he was asking "forgiveness for my sins."

I stopped talking to him on a regular basis after that.  Especially after he had to move back in with his parents who lived out of state.  

Yes, I could have told him flat out that he could either stop treating me like a child or I'd stop talking to him.  But with thanks to Lady Kharma, there was no need to do so.   Every time he bashed my career choice, he would usually get fired.  After making me look less-than in front of the opposite sex enough times, his fiancée called off the wedding.  After babbling non-stop about how he knew everything about life when he was 12, he was moving back in with his parents at 30.  As I've said before, G-D is even angrier at these people than you are, and He has better tools at His disposal.


As betas, we are sometimes lucky to have someone who can help us in areas where we are lacking. But having that extra protection DOES NOT MEAN that we shouldn't be aware of our own limitations.  We can stop worrying about things beyond our control and trust in G-D, but we can NOT put that much faith in other people, even if they are genuinely trying to "look out for us."  Because they are also looking out for themselves, and so should we.  Even if they're doing the right thing, they won't be around forever.

When we are Bold and Bulletproof, the need for someone to "look out for us" and keep us safe gets much less.  While it's good to have some assistance at first, we should strive to eventually become self-actualized enough that we no longer need someone to follow.  Quite frankly, at the level, it's actually a little condescending to think you still are thought of as a "little buddy."  It's very unsatisfying to play that role for a lifetime.

And if you really want protection, look above.  It's not exactly a guarantee, but there are times when you ask and He delivers.



Sunday, December 13, 2015

So How Did You Do?

Hey All - Kind of a warm day for December, isn't it?

Every year, as New Year's Eve approaches, we like to make a lot of promises to ourselves, but we often fail to follow through on them by the time MLK Day rolls around.  The main reason why this happens is that we think our transgressions of the prior year were minor, irrelevant, or tolerable.  We got so comfortable with them that we didn't seriously feel like changing them.

So how do we overcome this?  A good old fashioned performance review:

(1).  What mistakes did we make?
    (A).   Why did they happen?  Be honest!
    (B).   Did we learn from them?   If so, what did we learn?
    (C).   Is it possible to prevent them?   If so, what?

(2).   Did we disrespect someone?
    (A).   Why?   
          (i).    Would they have irreparably harmed themselves if we stayed silent?  Were they lost, blind, and oblivious to their own mistakes before we stepped in?  If so, please move along,
          (ii).   Were you angry?  In a bad mood?  Did  you let something get under your skin?  If so, how did that happen?
          (iii).   Were they alpholes?  If so, were you still Bold and Bulletproof?   Meaning, did you fire back at them only after they had tried to provoke you more than enough times?   And did they leave themselves wide open?
     (B).   What can we do to prevent reoccurrences of (i) and (ii)?  And not punish ourseives for (iii)?

(3).  Were we disrespected?
    (A).   Why?
         (i).    Did we instigate something?  See 2.A.1 and 2.   If so, was the retaliation justified?
         (ii).    Did we just show up somewhere?   See 2.A.3.  Did we respond as recommended by this very blog?
    (B).   Were we Bold and Bulletproof in the face of disrespect and bullying?  If not, why?

(4)   Who was in our lives?
    (A).   People who respected us?  And vice versa?   If not, why?
    (B).   Hangers-on?  Friends-of-friends?   People we had to tolerate because they "don't bother" someone else?   Were we able to repel their repulsiveness?  If not, why?

Yes, as you can see, I'm not the answer man this time around.  You are.  Use this checklist, which is by no means exhaustive, to evaluate your social interactions of 2015.  Feel free to expand the situations to school or work.  Take a good look at why you made the choices you did.  Detach from your review any and all negative emotional responses.  Remember your choices from 2015 only so you can make better choices in 2016.



Saturday, December 5, 2015

How Would You Like To Feel If You Had A Choice?

Hi All!  I have a separate blog for the younger folks.  But for the rest of us Generation X'ers, here's another reality check.

It's a very human thing to experience feelings and emotions, and it's also very human to react in response to something that happens to you.  The only problem is, we forget that we actually have the ability to control these reactions, regardless of what our feelings and emotions are.  And even more than that, we actually have the power to control those feelings and emotions too!


Life is not a steady stream of being provided with what we want, exactly when we want, and precisely how we want it.  Trains and traffic delay us.  Other people rub us the wrong way.  People ignore us, or don't give us their full attention.

People tell us we're wrong, and spend painfully long periods of time telling us why.  Better yet, people get silent when we're right and speak into a megaphone when we're wrong!  People annoy us.

People make mistakes.  We make mistakes.  People tell us we make mistakes, every single time we make a mistake, and then tell you you're mistaken in pointing out their mistakes.  The mistakes lead to even more mistakes and mistakes on top of mistakes!

As aggravating as they are, we don't actually have to get angry when these things happen.  We can choose to keep our cool.  If it's something that someone else did, we can relax with the knowledge that it's out of our control.  And if it's something that we did, we can remedy the situation first and react when it's all done.  That way we're never in the heat of the moment.


Nothing seems more natural then psychological self-flagellation over the mistakes we make.  Nothing seems more normal than worrying about what may or may not happen.  How sad that really is.

Like I said above, when a mistake is made, we act first and react later.  That way, the act of correcting the mistake is not emotionally compromised, and the reaction will not be an overreaction because everything that could have been done already has been.

Worrying is the most destructive thing you can do.  Instead, the same way that a criminal defendant is presumed innocent until proven guilty, presume that there is no reason to worry unless proven otherwise!

That doesn't mean be irresponsible, of course.  Preparation and intelligence are not the same as worrying.  Rather, they eliminate the need to worry to begin with!

The point of this post is that our feelings and reactions are not automatically generated by what happens to us, even if it is unpleasant.  We have the unchallenged power to hold our reactions in check, and to render our moments or regret and worry nonexistent.

Well that's my thing for tonight -- let's put it all into practice!



Sunday, November 1, 2015

The Opposition's Weaknesses

Hi All - Halloween is behind us, Thanksgiving may or may not be glossed over, and the Winter Holidays are just around the corner.  So what's on the docket for today?

Often times, people try to intimidate us when we say things that we're proud of or happy about.  If they're toxic enough, they'll try to say that what we like is stupid or useless, and they'll say it in the loudest, longest, and most obnoxious way.  And because they know that we're basically nicer, and are less likely to fight back, they sometimes also will say it in front of a crowd of followers and sycophants, since they need continuous reinforcement through enabling to continue living off this toxicity.

Why they do that is not as important as how to handle it.  However, some insight into their quest to silence you might reveal a few tips and pointers:

(Reason 1)  They're not secure enough to handle someone who thinks differently than they do, and can't share the floor with other voices.  
(Solution 1)   Keep voicing your opinion anyway.  The more they try to silence you, make yourself better, wiser, and more thick-skinned.  No matter how loud they get, they'll be forced to reckon with you.

(Reason 2)  They have weaknesses to protect, and the longer they allow you to talk, they're afraid you'll touch a nerve.
(Solution 2)  Keep it in your back pocket.  Don't hit them over the head out of nowhere with it, that's their game plan, and not ours.  Once they cross a line, which they always do, lock on the target and pull the trigger.  You didn't start that conflict, and they sure as heck asked for it.

(Reason 3)  They have been enabled, spoiled, and protected for so long they don't understand how it feels to be wrong, incorrect, or behind the times.  And it shakes the very foundations upon which they stand.
(Solution 3)  Keep it in lower in your back pocket.  It's not our way to fight arrogance with arrogance.  But whenever they make it a personal attack, yes you can hit them over the head with this.  The very concept of choosing not to say something, even though you can, was obviously never taught to them earlier, so teach them now.  

As I've stated before, the way for us Betas to improve our lives, be happier, and attain greater successes is to be Bold and Bulletproof.  That means not letting people bully us into silence just because they don't know how to respectfully disagree.  That means shoring up our feelings airtight so nothing they say can wound us, stun us, or make us feel ashamed of ourselves.  And yes, when warranted, that means take a shot at them to show them what is acceptable and what is not.

Unfortunately, there are still more alpholes out there than there are of us.  For now.



Sunday, October 25, 2015

A Fresh Start Every Day!

Hey All - about that time.

Part of the reason why we feel stressed, overwhelmed, or hopeless is because we think that every day is the same old thing.  We lament that which we are powerless to change, claim that our exhaustion prohibits us from putting forth the extra effort needed, and throw up our hands in despair.

I'm not going to say, never feel or think this.  We're human, flesh and blood, warts and all.  There is nothing wrong with thinking this, or even verbalizing it if you must.  For goodness' sake, we're not Mother Teresa!

But once you start thinking it, get ready to stop, and stop hard.  If you're not careful, the Two Minute Hate can easily become the Two Hour Quit.  It'll burn you out, sap your strength, and leave you as a shadow of your former self.  Discipline your thoughts to allow yourself no more than one or two paragraphs of "what sucks," and then, stop sucking!

This can be done any time of the day, of course, but the morning is most preferable.  If you can get your head on straight right when you wake up, when you first get in the shower, when you get dressed, and especially when you bust out the door to go out into the world, you're already miles ahead of where you'd otherwise be.  And of course, as a runner, I strongly recommend some kind of vigorous exercise once you wake up, too.  That's the best way to reduce the worry, stress, despair, or anxiety that would otherwise start you off on the wrong foot.

It's obvious that until your problems are resolved, they'll still be there after you've gotten yourself ready for the day.  However, giving yourself that fresh start every morning will allow you to realize that they're not insurmountable. 

As Betas, we sometimes think that "we're made to suffer," like C3PO said in Star Wars Episode IV; A New Hope.  It's cute and funny when a fictional protocol droid says it, but it's horrible when we do.  It's not our lot in life to suffer!  It's NOT our place to cry out to the gods to be saved from injustice.  It is our job to make it better, and make ourselves better!!!  Every day, no coasting, no squatting!



Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Starting Over

Hey All!  This week we celebrate the New Year of the Jewish Calendar.  Makes me realize a few things:

When I was younger, I was one of those kids who actually liked learning about my religion.  I took to it really well, made my relatives proud on my Bar Mitzvah day, and gained a very large understanding of topics not everyone thought about.

The only problem was the swelled head I got.  Even though what I was learning about would be considered positive and wholesome, I became arrogant.  I'd look at everyone else who wasn't as knowledgeable as I was and think that they were beneath me.  I'd get upset at people who didn't love the services as much as I did, and I had nothing kind to say to those who were not religious.  Bottom line, a large part of this religious awakening included a huge amount of anger towards those who did not believe or practice like me.

Fortunately for me, I had parents who were not afraid to hold me in check and refused to tolerate this kind of behavior.  Because of that, this anger eventually stopped.

Today, I am far less religious.  With all due respect to the traditions of my religion and ethnic group, I think I'm a lot better off.  I'm a lot more likely to not notice or care that others' religious beliefs or practices are different from mine, or non-existent.  Compared to how I was, that's a huge giant step.

Believe it or not, but we Betas are very likely to harbor just as much anger at "the rest of them," albeit for very different reasons.  But whether that anger is justified or not, if it can't be used for constructive and pro-active purposes, as opposed to cutting others down and slandering their names, it needs to be held in check.  If you don't have parents around to hold it in check for you, then start doing it yourself.  You'll also be better off in spades.

Nothing you do, perform, or believe is worth it if it makes you intolerant.  That's the alpholes' province, and not ours.  It'll burn you out from the inside.

"Ummmm, Daaaaaave?"  Yup, saw you coming.

The theme of this blog is to be vigilant towards the alpholes, and to inoculate ourselves against the disease of self-loathing that they spew.  It is not be intolerant towards them as people.  By all means, make yourselves Bold and Bulletproof when confronted with what they do, but don't hate them.  Understand that not everyone had our upbringing, as referenced above, and don't try to judge them by our yardstick.  Just keep walking your path, and don't be deterred by those who aren't.



Friday, September 11, 2015

Our Leader?

Hey All -- Hope you're getting ready for Labor Day Weekend!

Next year's presidential election sure is getting a lot of attention.  Moreso than usual due to the celebrity status it's been granted.

By now, the message of this blog should be apparent.  But as it pertains to Donald Trump, a little clarification is needed.

(1)  Our country is getting closer and closer to another civil war.  We have a government that does not meet the needs of its people, and it's ripe for a change.
(2)  We have people who come this country, most of them for the most valid of reasons, but completely disregard the requirements to become citizens.  This issue can't be ignored, minimized, or swept under the rug because the result is to allow laws to have no meaning.
(3)  We have become weak in the eyes of our adversaries and many of our allies.  This needs to change.

On those issues, Trump is 100% right.  We really do need a stronger leader to "Make America Great Again."

HOWEVER, this blog condemns some of the things Mr. Trump does:
(1)  Megyn Kelly is known for asking tough questions.  Whether her choice to ask Trump about his behavior was right or wrong was a judgment call, but his choice to make the issue personal was unacceptable.  His statements on Twitter to or about Megyn Kelly were juvenile, immature, and unpresidential.  He could have simply explained that he is not concerned with political correctness and that he saw nothing wrong with his prior comments, and ended it.
(2)  Jorge Ramos needs to chill out and get off his high horse.  But using hired muscle to escort him out of the room merely because he's being rude and obnoxious was completely unnecessary, as was telling him to "go back to Univision."  He could have simply refused to engage him until he was ready to do so, or simply elected not to answer his questions.  Ejecting him only backfired on him, and enabled Ramos to go on "The Kelly File" and be treated like a welcomed guest out of knowing sympathy.

Yes, he is leading in the polls.  How could he not be?  It's fun to hear somebody say things we won't because we still believe in respect.  It's entertaining to see someone be a goofball - why do you think the jock/bully types get so much attention below the undergraduate level?  And it's actually fun to hear someone be irreverent when everyone else thinks they need to play it close to the vest.

However, none of that means he will be elected, or that he will be a good president if elected!

This blog will reciprocate the pledge Mr. Trump made to support the eventual Republican nominee, and we will support him if he is nominated.  That being said, we do not condone his bullying behavior, his disrespectful tone, and his undignified manner, no matter how funny it was on The Apprentice.  There is absolutely, positively, no reason to be a bully in order to be an effective leader, and anyone who thinks otherwise has insecurities that we can't remove.



Saturday, July 25, 2015

The Old Ways?

Hey All!

A random thought has made its way through my mind in light of the deal our country recently made with Iran:  At what point are old traditions no longer needed?

No matter where you stand in the political theme, there is no doubt that a great enemy to the United States is radical Islam.  And I say radical Islam not only to pinpoint the problem, but to emphasize that the religion, as a whole, is not the enemy.  Those who commit unspeakable acts in the name of that religion, however, most certainly are.

Judaism and Christianity are based on scriptural texts dating back millenia.  Leviticus and Numbers point to several prohibited acts that were punishable by death while the Jews were still wandering in the desert, and were most likely enforced during the days of the Temple when the need arose.  The New Testament is full of rhetoric that casts negative light on all those who lacked faith or acceptance of what was revealed.   It cannot be denied that Both Halves Of The Book either direct, encourage, or enable force against unbelievers that today would be completely unnecessary and unacceptable.

However, from what I've seen in my short life span, most churches and synagogues are welcoming of anyone who walks through their doors.  No clergy has the authority to save or damn any soul in the congregation.  Nobody is turned away for not conforming.  And last but not least, nobody has a death sentence imposed for their nonbelief.

This is because organized religion has had the wisdom to be aware of the time and place in which it exists, and to shape its rhetoric accordingly.  This is because it has realized that creating divisions ad infinitum is simply unworkable, while creating places that are welcoming, acceptable, and friendly better meet the spiritual needs of modern times than those that crash and bash those outside their realms.  Otherwise, their congregants would simply become alienated and leave.

So why is it different with radical Islam?  Why do they cite to portions of the Koran and the Hadith for the justification of the horrible things they do?  Why have they not presented their adherents with mercy and mildness, or joy and rapture?  Why is violence so much more acceptable to them than it could ever be with us?

Apparently there are not very many Bold Betas where they are most needed.  :)

I have often declared that as Betas, we are not subject to the chapters and verses of the alphaganda.  We are not bound by the yoke of its commandments, we are not required to abandon our own idenities in the name of groupthink, and we are never to believe that we are unworthy merely because we do not conform to such ancient and unquestioned standards.

Forgive me for pointing, but it seems to me that Western organized religion had its own alphaganda at one point, and then realized that it was no longer valuable.  Nobody has ever suggested repealing or deleting these ancient texts, but it was clearly a wiser choice to simply not enforce, propagate, or emphasize those portions that would cause more harm than good.  Whether you belong to any one religion, or none at all, we can all agree that softening the approach was a good thing for organized religion in this country.

The question remains, who will challenge the radical alphaganda?  Who will question why such barbaric practices are used to murder and torture others?  Who will reject ISIS, and any government that supports it, and demand that such radical elements be eliminated?  Whether or not our country sends boots on the ground against these enemies once more, it seems to me that this is something that must be handled most effectively within the ranks of the adherents of that faith who are not radicalized, and reject terrorism in all forms.

Let us hope and pray that the radical elements will be neutralized and dismantled from within, as it was once was within our own ranks.

DISCLAIMER:  the above post is not meant to smear, besmirch, insult, or ridicule any organized religion.  Any offense perceived is the responsibility of the reader.


Sunday, July 19, 2015

All In The Timing

Hey All -- hope you're enjoying the summer!

Lately, I haven't been talking about our adversaries.  However, someone once said that it is wise to study the ways of one's adversary.  And so let's review:

One big difference between us and the alpholes is that they choose to be aggressive at times when it is completely unnecessary to do so.  Maybe they do this because "it's the way they're made."  Maybe they had a disapproving parent who was that way too.  Maybe they feel a need to show their crowd that they're tough enough to hang with them.

Here's the world's smallest violin playing "Hearts & Flowers" for them.  NONE OF THAT makes it acceptable to push others around.  NONE OF THAT means that we should permit them to shove us so they'll feel better.  And despite opinion to the contrary, NONE OF THAT makes them winners.

Their downfall is that they're aggressive when they shouldn't be, and they're NOT aggressive when they should be.  To overcome this, we must choose our battles far more wisely than they do.

Ummmm, Daaaaaave?  Who are you to judge these poor, innocent victims, who have every right to be this way?  How do yoooooou know when to be aggressive and when not to be?

I'm glad somebody asked me!  Aggression is obviously tied to the "fight or flight" response that we're all born with.  The difference is that the alpholes think the "fight" switch should be on whenever someone weaker than them is within hearing difference, and that the "flight" switch should be on whenever the consequences of their actions materialize.  But when should these two responses be set?  Here you go:

(1)  When you have a dream or a goal to achieve.
(2)  When distractions get in the way of that dream or goal.
(3)  When you have a job to do.
(4)  When you need to find a job to do, because you don't already have one.
(5)  When your life is in danger.
(6)  When you are faced with imminent bodily harm.  And someone saying they'll cause it does not make it imminent.
(7)  When you have exhausted all good faith efforts to avoid or alleviate conflict, and the proper authorities have not solved the problem already.
(8)  When someone makes a mistake, refuses to accept responsibility for it, and points fingers at everyone else.

(1)  When you think it's funny to disparage someone.
(2)  When someone is irritating or annoying you.  This does not rise to the level where aggression is needed, no matter how unpleasant it is.
(3)  When non-conflict remedies have not yet been utilized.
(4)  When someone's opinion is different from yours.  You can be assertive in expressive your opinion, but beating someone over the head is not necessary.
(5)  When presented with minor inconveniences.
(6)  When you're disappointed with your own shortcomings.  Instead, be gentle with yourself, but learn from whatever errors were made.
(7)  When someone else makes a mistake and they own up to it.

Of course, these lists are by no means exhaustive.  But notice how easily this is demonstrated in outline format?  How it eliminates all ambiguity that the know-it-alls and posers wish they could point out?  I've got someone very close to me to thank for that.

In our daily struggle to remain Bold and Bulletproof, we must embrace the fact that we are different from these other types, and use our differences to our advantages.  This is only one of several ways that this can be done, and others will follow.

See ya all!!!!!

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Play Ball!

Hey All!  

It's All Star Week for Major League Baseball.  So here are some baseball analogies!

The alpholes of the world have somehow been conditioned to believe that getting someone upset is a win.  It's mas puntos.  It's a trip, it's fun, it increases their status.  Or, some might say, it makes them the strikeout kings!

Getting angry and flying off the handle is like a ground ball to them.  Losing control is like having them run into the stands to catch a foul ball for an easy out.  Hitting below the belt and having you admit that you can't take what they said is a third strike down the middle!  Instead, what we need is a base hit between third and short, an RBI, or a home run.  In other words, we have to get hits off their pitching!

Any ballplayer will tell you that you have to be smart at the plate.  Look at where the infield and outfield have moved.  Look where he's aiming the pitch.  Watch for the curve.  If it's going outside, be smart and quick enough to not swing at that pitch.  If it's going inside, don't be scared, but get out of the way.  But if you know that it's your pitch, swing for the fences!

By the same token, accept this reality.  About 90% of what these would-be aces are throwing are bad pitches.  If we're smart enough to avoid swinging at these bad pitches, we walk.  They fail.  They missed a beautiful opportunity to fake us out and win over us.  Guess we're not like those bush-league hitters, huh?

But when we're Bold and Bulletproof, we're ready for them when they throw strikes.  As outlined in the last post, we can foul off those pitches when we capture evidence of their misdeeds and present them to the authorities. That means we are quick enough to get a piece of their pitching and not let them manipulate us.  And if they find a curve or change up, we can see it coming, and we can send it downtown!  That means that we know what they're going to do, we won't fall for it, and we'll use their tactics against them.

And more importantly, we will not let any emotional reactions impair our judgment.  That is the only way they can beat us, and we'll deprive them of that opportunity!  They can't force us to play by their rules if we stick to our rules and resist all distractions.

So that's the jam for now.  Enjoy the All Star Game on Tuesday night!



Sunday, July 5, 2015


Hey All!  Hope you had a great July 4th!

Even on our best day, we can still make mistakes.  And even if you trust someone completely, they might make a mistake too.  However, there are ways of dealing with them.

(1)  DID YOU MAKE A MISTAKE?  Try reacting this way:

  (A)  Remember that this is an opportunity to think outside the box in ways you would not have been able to if you were "perfect."
  (B)  Knowing this, fix it.
  (C)  Unless there is a matter of life or death, any mistake can be fixed, or at least mitigated.  Just think, and the idea will come to you.
  (D)  Accept responsibility for it and move on from it.


   (A)  Help them fix it if you can.
   (B)  Explain what can be done to avoid it in the future.

NOWHERE IS THERE AN ADMONITION TO BEAT YOURSELF UP OR FALL ON YOUR SWORD WHEN YOU'RE WRONG.  There is a difference between a humble apology and making a self-effacing, self-loathing, pathetic spectacle of yourself.  Nobody respects people who burst into tears like Jimmy Swaggart admitting he "sinned."  The amount of penitence and atonement you demonstrate should be embodied in your remedial efforts, and should be emphasized to the extent that they overshadow your strengths.

NEITHER IS THERE A DIRECTION TO BREAK SOMEONE ELSE DOWN IF IT'S THEIR FAULT.   That is strictly the province of predators and alpholes.  Far too many people look for a chance to point fingers, laugh at someone's errors, or convince someone that this mistake renders them unrespectable.  We're better than that.

As Bold Betas, we are often sidelined by others' reactions to our mistakes.  Not only is this a painful experience, but it also leads us to believe that it is acceptable to abuse someone else who has made a mistake.  This can only bring us down the path of the alpholes, who think nothing of ripping people apart because they're "only being honest."  Odds are more than likely that they do not demonstrate such honesty with their own shortcomings.

Follow these simple steps, and you'll prevent yourself from following their example.  You'll gain both experience and respect.



Wednesday, July 1, 2015


Hey All!  Big doings in the news.

Last week, the Supreme Court found that the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment allows for gay marriage.  This is welcomed as a victory for civil rights.

This blog provides motivation and encouragement to men and boys who have been bullied, broken down, and told that they do not represent the image of the ideal "real man."  Thanks to the alphaganda, generations grew up believing that gay was the worst thing a man could be.  Accordingly, I must support gay marriage.

Any man or woman who is ready to make such an exclusive commitment should have the right to do so.  And if he feels naturally in love with another man, or she feels naturally in love with another woman, then let them marry.

The slippery slope others fear does not exist.  This cannot lead to incestuous marriages, as their offspring would have unnatural deformities.  This is why there are already laws prohibiting such relationships, with or without marriage.  Neither can it lead to pedophilic marriages, since children are not prepared for marriage.

Marriage is, and always will be, a relationship for two consenting adults.  Not three, not seven, but just two.  This is more of the same.

The gay community has suffered from bullying, due in no small part, to the notion that a "real man" is not gay.  Many victims of bullying have been called gay so many times, due to their perceived weaknesses, that they begin to question whether or not they are.  

This decision, in granting the right to marry, puts gays on equal footing with straight men, at least in this sense.  I applaud and celebrate this.

Just one caveat - you still have to respect other people's rights too.  If someone else is not yet comfortable with the fact that you have these rights, you can't force them to be comfortable.  This isn't 1984 and you're not the Thought Police.  If a bakery has reservations about baking a cake for a gay wedding, then tell them how wrong they are, with some choice words thrown in, and find a bakery that is willing to do it.  You don't get to ruin someone else because they say no, just like they don't get to ruin you for being yourself.  If they're not attacking you, but simply disagreeing with you, emotional maturity requires that you not engage that battle.  Don't make yourself worse than them.

It is now the law of the land that gays have a right to marry.  Nobody can take that right away.  But with rights come responsibilities.  Use them wisely.



Sunday, June 21, 2015


Hey All -- another weekend done, another week about to get under way!

One obstacle we sometimes face as beta males is lack of respect.  We are often confronted by those who enjoy hearing the sound of their own voices, expect those around them to kowtow to their superiority, and seriously believe that pushing others around, with immunity and impunity, is their divine right.  It's not only frustrating, it's dangerous - if you're not careful, all of the "just ignore them;" "it's the way they are;" and "don't take it personally;" rhetoric will serves to give these people a protective shield against any consequences.

There are always ways to deal with them -- here are some:

(1) Emotional Discipline:  never lose your cool.  People like this live to make other people upset.  It's their point system, their merit badges, and their "likes."  Do NOT, under any circumstances, give them an easy win.  The Armor around your Heart should be at maximum srength, your frustration should be held in check, and your composure should be will within reach.

(2) Short Reaction Time:  do not reflect on whatever bruises they left for more than five minutes.  Anything beyond that stops being their doing, and starts becoming yours.  Don't do their job for them.

(3) Preparation:  Decide that next time they choose to reach in, you will handle them with respect, but firmness.  Choose what you will allow, and what you won't.

(4) Boundaries:  Explain to them that their actions are not acceptable, and if they choose to deal with you, they'll simply have to stop them.

(5) Consequences:  This is where it can get tricky.

   (A)  Authority - do not engage in any action that contravenes the legitimate authority you have over you unless absolutely necessary.  And it can only be absolutely necessary if you first notify that authority of what is happening.

   (B)  Response of Authority - if they act, and resolve the issue, don't aggravate it further.  If they do not act, then and only then can you take action, because you now have a record of the problem.

   (C)  Position of Strength - if the next incident happens, remind them that the authorities know about them, that they are not the authorities, no matter how much they act like it, and that nothing they do will be tolerated.

  (D)  Attack Mode - remind them of their weaknesses.  Their defeats.  Their mistakes.  Their shortcomings.  Don't get distracted when they try to bring up yours, and don't let them intimidate you.  At that point, they've run out of free passes.

  (E)  Preparation for Future Confrontations - now that you know how they are when it gets real, you'll be even better prepared for them next time.  Unless they've actually shown enough cowardice to back down.

 This list is, of course, not exclusive, and doesn't apply to any and all situations.  However, it's a much more civilized and controlled method of responding to disrespect in most settings. 

DISCLAIMER:  This blog does not condone violence of any kind.  Let someone else handle that.  Of course, measures must be taken to defend yourself from imminent harm, but striking out in violence solves nothing.  We are not savages or neandrathals.  And yes, I'll say it once more, we are not ruled by the alphaganda, and we do not live in a comic book.  Let the animals behave like animals.  Don't be one.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Your Own True Self!

Movie on 2015 06 16 at 21 47

Your Own True Self

Hey All!

We've recently heard at least two stories involving people who sought to essentially be people they weren't.  I think I've had enough of that, and I'll present the Bold Betas take on it all.

(1).  We all have temporal characteristics and immutable characteristics.  

(2).  The temporal characteristics are our thoughts, passions, opinions, and overall maturity level.  It is expected that these traits change as we grow, learn, and reach self-actualization.

(3).  The immutable characteristics are those that define us are those meant to remain constant before and after self-actualization.  Growing and learning cannot alter them - rather, growing and learning only make those characteristics stronger.

(4).  Some think that these immutable characteristics are somehow optional, and can be altered at any time.  They are sadly mistaken.

(5).  We are the human race.  By definition, we are all made distinct, discrete, and unique.  We have many different nationalities, several distinct cultures, and two genders.

(6).  Without mocking those who produce and create science fiction, the human race simply can't be anything else.  We were never meant to be one uniform group of all one nationality or culture, and it goes against our very being to be only one gender.

(7).  You are not becoming your own true self if you are thinking of altering any of these immutable characteristics.  You are destroying your own true self.  There is nothing brave, courageous, open-minded, tolerant, or accepting about doing so.

To be a Bold Beta is not to negate masculinity.  Not by a long shot.  It is to embrace the type of masculinity that is not governed by the alphaganda, rejects the "might makes right" way of living that others assume to be the only way, and to play up to those strengths that the alphaganda minimizes.  Nowhere among these pages has there been a suggestion that a Bold Beta male become a woman.  Nowhere has there been a suggestion that a woman become a man if she's unhappy being a woman.

And nowhere, for any reason, has there been a discussion of race on this blog.  Nor will there ever be.

If you find yourself to be uncommon compared to other members of your faith, stripe, or club, embrace that uncommon-ness.  That means being who you are, and not being who you are not.

I have now concluded my discussion of this subject. 

DISCLAIMER:  The above post does not insult, smear, besmirch, slander, belittle, or otherwise disrespect anyone who has already chosen to make such a transformation.  It merely points out the fact that this type of transformation is the wrong move to make, and serves as an admonition to this blog's audience to never even consider it.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Checking Privilege

Ahhh, what a beautiful Sunday afternoon -- I'm writing the first outdoor blog of the season!

In the past several years, there has been some talk in the "regular" media and social media demanding that some people "check their privilege."  I respectfully disagree.

You've seen me, time and time again, write about the destructive evils of bullying.  To me it's quite literally the path to the dark side.  My two-fold solution to this problem has been for us Bold Betas to, in a nutshell, become Bold and Bulletproof so that we can withstand any attack against us; and for those who perpetrate bullying to be taught how to be behave.  When this is accomplished, we Bold Betas reach self-actualization through a disciplined course of emotional maturity, and those who perpetrate bullying learn to stop being aggressive when they shouldn't be, and to be only aggressive when they absolutely must be.

But as Bold Betas, we are not only easy targets for bullying, we are also easy targets for shaming.  Stereotypically speaking, we are expected to be always-forgiving, non-assertive, docile, compliant, and consistently accommodating to others.  If we have something of value that others lack, we are faced with pointing fingers and clucking tongues that admonish us for not being "beta enough."  If we come from a background that provided us with some slight advantage that strengthened us, we are slammed and criticized for not being "open minded" enough to understand someone else's plight, and we are expected to believe that the others' disadvantages somehow make them morally superior to us. 

Gentlemen:  Don't fall for this.

Whatever "privileges" we have are strengths, and not weaknesses.  Unlike the overly-aggressive types, we do not use our strengths to cause harm to those who have less than we do.  We do rub our accomplishments in others' faces.  We do not shove people around with whatever confidence we have.  If we are Bold and Bulletproof, we use these "privileges" wisely in order to make our lives better.  These is nothing at all wrong with doing that.

Not to mention, if we choose to help those who lack what we have, on our own volition, and without being guilted or shamed into doing so, this is also using our "privileges" wisely.  

It is only when these "privileges" are intentionally used to harm others that they need to be "checked," and not just because someone is angry that they don't have them.  By the same token, it seems to me that these finger-pointers and shame-artists need to "check" their desire to judge and blame.  How much better can their lives be if all they do is "rage against the gods," like the antihero of an ancient Greek tragedy, instead of overcoming their disadvantages, as we do?

Never be ashamed of who you are.  Never minimize your accomplishments.  Never be less proud of yourself just because someone else has not accomplished what you've done.

Conversely, don't get a swelled head.  Don't attack those who have less than you.  Don't be like the overly-aggressive types that I've spoken out against.  Don't insult, disparage, or judge those who did not make the same choices you did.  This way, when they demand that you "check your privilege," you can truthfully say that there's nothing to check.



Saturday, May 30, 2015

Only With Effort

Hey All!  Are you ready for the summer? 

A universal truth became apparent to me recently:  the only way to have the life, friends, and surroundings we want is through continuous effort.

Sometimes people say, let "nature take its course."  Is that what we really want?

If we have a house and let "nature take its course," it doesn't get cleaned, wear and tear becomes excessive, grass doesn't get mowed, leaves don't get raked, and the local authorities condemn it.

If we have a relationship and let "nature take its course," birthdays and anniversaries get forgotten, plans don't get made, memories don't get created, and feelings don't get reinforced.

If we, as beta males, let "nature take its course," we get manipulated by over-aggressive types, we get ignored and passed over, we get shamed and punished for not delivering what "they" want, and we resign ourselves to a life of anonymity.


The house is kept in great condition, and possibly increases in value.

The relationship blossoms and thrives.

And as beta males, so do we.

I am not saying that we must overburden ourselves with everything we do to the point of burnout.  That's no way to live.  But I am saying that self-actualization, confidence-building, and basic human respect happen only with effort, and they are not given to us automatically.  It takes practice to become Bold and Bulletproof, and if we stop for too long, we backslide.



Sunday, May 17, 2015

Emotional Discipline

Hey hey, it's Sunday night!  You know what that means.

Stop me if I mentioned this before.  Actually, don't.  You see, there's nothing wrong with bringing up a prior topic, because if it everything was said and done, I wouldn't be bringing it up now. 

One trait that we beta males have that is both our greatest strength and our biggest stumbling block is our emotional capacity.  By definition, we are more sensitive than the alpholes, who are strangely admired for the devil-may-care approach.  While this leads to better moral choices, it also stunts our growth and leaves us in a rut.

There is nothing wrong with caring for others.  There is something wrong with putting everyone else's needs over our own.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you're hurt.  There is something wrong with admitting it to people who are unwilling or unable to actually help you get through it.

There is nothing wrong with saying that you feel something is unfair or unjust.  There is something wrong with "just saying" that, and not making a real change.

There is nothing wrong with being angry.  There is something wrong using that anger destructively.

There is nothing wrong with walking away from a fight.  There is something wrong with initiating or provoking a fight and then running away from it.

There is nothing wrong with being concerned about something bad that might happen.  There is something wrong with immobilizing yourself with fear and worry because you assume the worst case scenario.

There is nothing wrong with stating that you have been wronged.  There is something wrong with thinking about how you've been wronged over and over again without actually making an attempt to rectify it.

There is nothing wrong with honestly assessing the past.  There is something wrong with still living there and not living in the present.

There is nothing wrong with showing compassion.  There is something wrong with showing it to people who don't deserve your time or attention.

There is nothing wrong with apologizing for your mistakes.  There is something wrong with begging forgiveness from people who are too arrogant to accept your apology.

There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are wrong and made a mistake.  There is something wrong with self-flagellation and self-loathing because you made that mistake.

There is nothing wrong with mourning a loss.  There is something wrong with using the loss as a crutch and an excuse long after that loss is gone.

There is nothing wrong with charity.  There is something wrong with enabling and spoiling.

There is nothing wrong with wanting peace.  There is something wrong with using peace as an excuse to permit unacceptable behavior.

There is nothing wrong with having independent thoughts.  There is something wrong with aggressively forcing those thoughts on others without respecting their differences.

There is nothing wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with what they have said or done.  There is something wrong with telling someone else that you do not agree with anything they have said or done, or that you do not agree with their very existence.

Now that I've given enough examples, it's plain to see that they key to accepting ourselves, and in turn, earning respect in this life, is to keep our emotions in check.  Our reactions, no matter how justified, are stumbling blocks if they are not used properly.  If we speak too quickly in anger, we will say things that we may be forced to apologize for later.  If we react out of fear, we will be immobilized and prevented from growing and maturing.  If we show compassion and caring to those who have not earned it from us, we will be made into targets and victims, because we've given those people a lifetime free pass to hurt us with impunity.

Don't have a pure heart with an empty head.  Instead, have a full heart ruled by logical, self-governing, and independent mind.  And never, EVER, be ruled by a mouth.



Saturday, April 25, 2015

Bruce Jenner

Hey All.  Hoping this isn't really the last time the Islanders play at the Coliseum this season.  Hopefully being on the brink of elimination will force them to bring their A game!

But the big story is Bruce Jenner's revelation that he always felt that he was meant to be a woman, and that he'll soon be making it official.  This story really got me thinking about how it affects the audience this blog is intended for.

From what I understand, this trans-gender issue has very little to do with being an alpha male or a beta male, nothing at all to do with sexual preference, and everything to do with a lack of identity.  The first pillar of this blog is "I Exist," but it seems that not everyone knows how, or why, they exist, and by extension, who they really are.  Apparently, some people are not too sure about the "I Belong" part either.  If you don't have a strong concept of self, you may try to define yourself by other means that are not necessarily authentic.

Bruced talked about a desire to wear a dress when he was only eight years old.  Women have not always worn dresses, but he obviously saw the women in his young life wearing them before he had this desire.  Accordingly, all he wanted to do was to exchange one set of cultural norms for another, rather than truly defining himself.

The central theme I've touted here is self-actualization.  That means that the highest good is to find, accept, and love yourself as you are.  With all due respect to Bruce Jenner and those who seek to do what he wants to do, this isn't it.

I have posted many times against the dangers of trying to be something that you aren't.  The transgender experience is exactly that.  This practice of changing your gender to cure deep-seeded issues is literally becoming a new, and different person, one that you never were before.   This is the exact opposite of the self-acceptance that I advocate here, which is completely natural and authentic.  Regardless of what modern medicine can do, and how seamless a transition can be, it cannot and does not allow you to become your true and authentic self.

You don't have to be religious about it and say that G-D made you a certain way.  You can just accept that you were created as one gender, and be the best member of that gender that you can possibly be.  Since we are all about rejecting the alphaganda and refusing to be ruled by it, we are also about refusing to be ruled by what is demanded by the other gender too.  An artificial, synthetic, and unnatural attempt to become a different person is simply not the solution to whatever emptiness or confusion there is.  Instead, deep introspection, emboldening yourself, and being the best person that you are, is the answer.



DISCLAIMER:  The above post is not intended to insult, offend, smear, besmirch, belittle, or reject those in the trans-gender community.  It is merely intended to explain why this practice is not good for the beta male community. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

The Crowd's Rules

Hey All - I'm back!

Since childhood, we are conditioned to follow a crowd.  Go where the crowd goes, don't go where it doesn't.  Don't stand out.  Don't think differently.    Don't do what the crowd doesn't want you to do.  Don't be who the crowd doesn't want you to be.  Don't break the rules. 

Don't be fresh.  Don't speak out of turn.  Don't be different.

In adulthood, matters are different.  Once you've completed, or withdrawn from, an undergraduate curriculum, you no longer have to answer to anyone.  It's your life now, and its direction is yours and yours alone.

However, some people would rather you not be that way.  Sometimes there are unwritten rules that people apply to themselves, and then mistakenly apply to you.  There are standards that people impose on themselves, with the assumption that everyone else should follow them too.

With all due respect, they're wrong.

When we're younger, there are reasons to follow rules that are imposed on us, even if we do not agree with them.  Reason being, we're young.  We don't know everything.  We're underdeveloped.  We need to grow, we need to learn, and we need to mature.  Until we're able to do them, the rules stay.

But once we have grown, learned, and matured, those same rules can only hold us back.  They infantilize us when we need to be adults.  They cause us to stagnate and plateau.  They restrict us to the painless demise of a comfort zone.  They erode away at our individual identity until we're just faceless drones like everyone else.

Beta males sometimes live lives that are based on following the rules to the letter of the law.  While this usually makes for a childhood and adolescence that is risk-free, commendable, and respected by elder generations, it can also sow the seeds for an adulthood that is uneventful, bland, dull, predictable, and tragically anonymous.  It sets you up for a life experience that merely involves changing one set of rules for another, and never actually making your own rules.

When you become Bold and Bulletproof, that won't happen.  When you embrace your own strength and arm yourself against criticism, rejection, and disrespect, you can, and will, make your own rules.  When you live by the Four Pillars, those rules won't keep you pinned down or rendered useless. 

DISCLAIMER:  This does NOT mean you break the law, or make a spectacle of yourself at a government office or courthouse.  It DOES mean that you don't pretend that someone else's rules were delivered from Mount Sinai to your doorstep on stone tablets, and that you don't spend your whole life limited from reaching your full potential because of rules that were once imposed on you in childhood.  We're not robots.  We're not servants.  We're not meant to be sidekicks, wing men, or nobodies.

To be a leader, one must first be a follower.  But we eventually must stop being followers.



Sunday, March 8, 2015

Catch A Tiger By The Toe!

Grabbing the Tiger By The Toe!

Hi All -- did you remember to spring ahead?

Many things anger us:  the guy in the subway is a rude jerk, someone on the street is annoying, somebody and school or work seems to always "get away" with things that would get you suspended fired in a nanosecond.  Somebody gives you bad information, somebody laughs at your opinions, someone just always has to say that you're wrong, or just always has to brag about how much better they are than you.

You're actually allowed to be angry at them -- for One Minute.  And I mean one minute only.  That is your window of opportunity to either confront the problem or dismiss it.  This can actually be deferred to a later time when circumstances prevent an immediate reaction, but it cannot be extended.  You also have the third option of venting your anger in a safe place with someone you trust, but it's still only one minute.  After that, your thoughts must go elsewhere.

Stewing, fuming, gossiping, and bashing has never solved a problem in history.  It has only made them worse.

If you must re-visit this anger, either (a) use it from a position of strength to build, create, or take other types of needed action, or (b) diffuse it.  If that anger gives you power, fuel, and gusto to clean your house from top to bottom, write an unbeatable legal brief, or help a child build a toy with incomprehensible instructions, so be it!  If not, then either work it out through various forms of exercise, or smooth it out through various forms of meditation and relaxation.

Point being, as I've stated before, self-actualization means to control anger, and not to be controlled by it.  Grab the tiger by the toe, or it will eat all ten of yours!!!!!!



Saturday, February 28, 2015

The Have and The Lack

Hey All!  My "producer" advised me to lay off the entry for Sunday night, because the Oscars were on, so here is a slightly delayed blog entry.

Sometimes we feel that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  Sometimes we feel that were might be inadequate in comparison with others.  And yes, sometimes other people win and we lose.

It's OK to admit that we're somewhat fragile, and we sometimes feel sad or disappointed when this happens.  However, this does not make it OK to focus, emphasize, or unnaturally obsess over that which we do not have.

There might be negative values in mathematics.  There are no such things in real life.  You cannot assign a value to that which you do not have, or do not possess, or which does not exist in the first place.

Does someone else have an expensive possession that you can't afford?  An attractive female companion that "would never go for someone like me?"  A more exciting job?  A whole crowd of people who agree with every single thing they say?

Congratulations to them, they must be (making you think that they are always) very happy.  Enough about them, what about you?

The key here is to focus on what you have, and not what someone else has that you lack.  Chances are that these bon vivants lack things that you have!  Maybe your job has strengths that his does not.  Maybe your more modest possessions are of higher quality.  Maybe your strengths are more valuable than you realize, and when you stop mourning over what you don't have, you'll appreciate what you do have even more.

And another thing about what you do have  . . .  once you embrace its strengths and values, don't be ashamed.  Don't let anyone pontificate, guilt-trip, or insult you into thinking that you owe some of it to others who lack it.  When they do that, it's even worse than mourning over things that are lacking.  It's demanding that those who possess it give it to those who don't, just because.

There's nothing wrong with being charitable when you choose to be.  In fact, it's admirable.  But
 just like you don't demand that someone who has something you lack provide it to you, don't think you're obligated, or required, to share anything that you don't choose to share.  Let someone else be deluded by that way of thinking.

That's the jam -- love it, hate it, feel free to say so!

Monday, February 16, 2015

V Day

Who Do You Love Most?

Hey All!  Hope you enjoyed this three-day weekend if you were off for President's Day!

This past Saturday was Valentine's Day.  For those of you who are single, you might have called it "Black Saturday" or "Single Awareness Day."  You might have lamented the fact that you didn't have a sweetheart to spend this day with, and you might have cursed all those couples out there who seemed to be rubbing their abundance and your lack in your face.  You might have also celebrated the money you were saving and treating yourself instead.

Nowhere to go out?  Good!  Save your money, watch a movie, and be good to yourself.  While they're all out wining and dining as an investment in romantic love, you can make an investment in self-love.  They're having surf & turf?  Splurge on some Taco Bell!  You can make yourself laugh, you can make plans for the future, and you can think about how you'd rather spend Valentine's Day next year.

It might be that you're alone because you asked someone out and they said no.  Maybe they thought you "weren't good enough" for them in some way.  Maybe you took this to mean you were not good enough for everyone.  She is wrong, but so are you.

Rejection might be a form of bullying, but if you're bold and bulletproof, you can see that it's the mildest form of bullying there is.  She doesn't have to like you, and that's her choice to make.  But is she the end-all and be-all?  I highly doubt it.  But does that mean you should settle for someone else just so you can say you have a Valentine, and check off some unseen box on the alphaganda checklist?  No way, no how, not even close.  That way of thinking is why more than half of all marriages end in divorce.

You don't need a Valentine on Valentine's Day.   Maybe you want one.  If you'd like to have one, then have the good grace to love yourself first.  That one simple axiom, in and of itself, works better than any of the how-to guides to be a player, a pickup artist, or super-boyfriend that any of those jokers have ever manufactured. Rather, it comports with the Four Pillars -- specifically the ones about Belonging and Deserving.  If not today, then tomorrow.

Yes, you may feel like growling like Johnny Cash when you're single, muttering over those Folsom Prison Blues, and grumbling over your solitude.  Or, you might sing and groove like Barry White, knowing that with the loooooove you have for yourself, you'll be able to share the loooooove when it comes knockin', baby.

I recommend the Barry approach.  It's a lot more fun.  And it works.


Good night everybody!

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Four Pillars!

Hey All!  About that time again!

Since there are now a few new readers of this blog and viewers of the video, it's only fair that I reboot the central purpose of these writings.   So here's the very first blog post I wrote, edited and updated for today's audience.

As I've grown older and reflected on the course my life has taken, I have realized that every young man, in order to survive into adulthood, must accept and adopt the following Four Pillars of Life:

(1) I Exist.

(2) I Matter.

(3) I Belong.

(4) I Deserve.

I Exist.

It would appear to go without saying that we exist.  Cogito Ergo Sum, for all the Latin speakers out there.  But this first element is too easily taken for granted.  There are too many young men who fall short of their potential and resign themselves to lowly or insignificant roles in life because they have incorrectly resigned themselves to the role of a "nobody."  They think they're just someone's son, someone's brother, someone's husband, someone's father.  They either stopped trying to attain dreams, or failed to dream new ones, or both.

When boys are small, they are very aware of their existence. In fact, it's what they're most aware of in life.  However, through no fault of their own, these boys sometimes are deceived into believing that they either do not, or should not, exist.  I’m not concerned with how it happens, but only that it happens.  If that tragically incorrect belief is not corrected in short order, confusion envelopes the boy's mind.  This  confusion leads to guilt, doubt, shame, self-loathing, and other emotions that can stunt his growth and destroy his self-worth.  Otherwise, when that boy becomes a man, he must re-learn the value of his existence, and understand that he is here for a reason. Unfortunately, this is sometimes made more difficult when the boy, now a man, finds himself attracting people who do think he does not, or should not, exist.

I Matter.

Even if these boys come to terms with their existence, they still may not be convinced that their existence is relevant.  Someone may have told them they were "slow," "underachieving," or the worst euphemism of all, "special."  They may have their weaknesses shoved in their faces by predatory elements, reinforcing the notion that they are "losers" or "useless."  If his strengths are not reinforced during childhood, and they don’t receive sufficient positive affirmations to build confidence, the boy will be convinced that he does not "matter," and must again convince himself otherwise during adulthood.  He may find himself attracting those who continue to convince him he does not matter, making the process even more difficult.

I Belong.

Belonging is something that only the boy can decide for himself -- not only that truth that he belongs, but where and with whom he belongs. However, if the boy does make that decision at the right time, he will "settle." He will associate with those who do not help him achieve his potential, but instead merely "accept" him and allow him to occupy space within their ranks.  He will not develop as a participant, or even a leader, but will only be a follower, unable to think or reason in a manner different than the rest of the "herd."  Or worse, he will associate with individuals who are toxic towards him, and derive pleasure from continuously rejecting, abusing, and bullying him, or forcing him to continuously fight a losing battle.  Resigned to a mistaken belief that those who truly would accept him will only reject him instead, and vice-versa, he sabotages this component of his development and fails to make valuable contacts and friendships that would otherwise serve him well.

Again, this must be reinforced during childhood. If not, the boy will either (a) become a recluse, believing that he cannot make any friends; or (b) ONLY associate with the wrong people.  If this is not remedied, the future will include not only difficult, but disastrous consequences.

I Deserve.

The final Pillar, to deserve, simply cannot stand if the first three have not been properly erected.  To deserve is to use the faith, belief, and courage needed for plain and simple success.  This is the underlying theme of everything that our friends Anthony Robbins, Joel Osteen, and Dr. Phil have been telling us for years in their own words -- beyond just being, mattering, and belonging, in order to ADVANCE, you must BELIEVE that you DESERVE to have what you want!  Don't write yourself off saying "it never happened" before you even tried!  And even worse, don't just go around telling people you're doing it when you have no intention of doing so!  DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS ABOUT IT! DESERVE IT, PERIOD!

Why state the obvious?  Don't most guys already know this?  Not if they're faking it they don't!  As for those of us who grow up with one or more of these Pillars missing, we tend to wait on longer lines than the ones our more well-adjusted neighbors occupy. And it HURTS.  And since all four Pillars are interdependent, you can't have one missing.  For a plane to fly you can't have three out of four engines working!

And why am I focusing on these Pillars for men and boys, but not for women and girls?  Because life and nature are not politically correct.  Even if this is the 21st Century, society does not cruelly punish women for having low self-esteem or confidence, but it certainly does punish men.  Very harshly.

If a woman does not have all Four Pillars, she can most likely depend on a husband, a partner, or a family member to support her while she takes all the time she heeds to wallow in self-pity.  MEN CANNOT AND DO NOT HAVE THIS LUXURY!

So how does a man with low self-esteem survive?  Childhood is over.  Pointing fingers at our parents and their failures is not effective.  Repeating these Four Pillars, contemplating them at your job or at school, feeling them during your social interactions, and just plain living them WILL WORK.

Let's review, gentlemen:


This is not the grunt of an animal who cannot respect those around him.  This is also not the wail of a spoiled child who is granted everything without earning it, and only becomes more and more demanding.  This is the battle cry of a young man who seeks to live and profit from life.  This is the song of redemption, fulfillment, and self-actualization. This is the eviction notice to the thoughts of defeat and rejection that have been squatting rent-free in men's subconscious minds for decades.  This is the death sentence to the ill effects of bad childhoods, worse adolescences, and unpleasant adulthoods.  Again!


Don't just say it, USE it!

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Big Game

Good afternoon, all!  Took a short hiatus, but chose a quasi-national holiday to come back!  Can't really fault me, many a good TV series has had its premiere right before or right after the Super Bowl - seems smart for me to follow suit.

You don't have to be a football fan to know this, but this is the end of a long season for two teams.  Regardless of what happened in the regular season or the playoffs, what happens today really counts.  This one is for all the marbles, for all the glory, for the big parade in the city that team represents.

Well, that's for the players and coaches.  How about you?

You got an even better deal than they do, believe it or not.  In the NFL, you might get eliminated from the playoffs and not make it anywhere near the Big Game without a ticket.  In real life, your season does not end until Divine Providence chooses to end it for you, and not before.

Your Big Game does not have to only come once a year.  You don't need any kind of regular season record, home advantage, or even a bigger stadium to get there.  You just have to play to win.  And the winning formula is made clear and obvious by the Four Pillars.

It's very likely that some of you reading these words might not feel like such winners.  Maybe someone has told you that you don't measure up to their standards, and you accepted that assessment as fact.  Maybe someone thought laughing at your inadequacies in front of an enabling audience was a fun thing to do, and it left a bruise.  Maybe someone pushed you to a breaking point, and you actually broke.

Good news, everyone.  The damages recited above are all curable.  They can be removed like they never even happened.  And once they are removed, you're ready to suit up for your own Big Game.  The prize will not be the Vince Lombardi Trophy, but if you win, you'll earn something far more valuable:  Dignity.  Self-Respect.  Emotional Maturity.  Confidence.  Power. 

Today, you can watch someone else make it happen.  Tomorrow, it's your turn.